Prologue:

Broken bodies were everywhere at Hogwarts; deatheaters, students, and teachers the Dark lord Voldemort and his minions killed nearly every one at Hogwarts, at the end of Harry Potter’s 7th year. Most of the wizardry world was left in shambles after Harry found and destroyed all of the Horcruxes. The ministry of magic was completely destroyed, as was hogsmead. The only people who were left standing after the final battle were Hermonie Granger, Ginny Wesley, Susan Bones, Nevelle Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and a very lucky Harry Potter. The school itself was left in ruins, but those students weren’t left without injuries. Hermonie, had a crushed left leg from a wall exploded on her by a sectumsempra spell from Snape . Nevelle Longbottom had severe cuts and bruises, a broken nose, and a broken arm after dueling Bellatrix LeStrange. Ginny, Susan and Luna escaped with only minor injuries, little cuts and bruises on their bodies. Harry had the most severe injuries after dueling Voldemort, he had cuts all over his body a broken arm, a few broken ribs and a broken leg, the only reason Harry was alive is because he was playing possum for a killing curse he block with a brick and he fell down. Voldemort thought he was dead, he went up to harry’s body as soon as he turned his body around Harry launched a cutting hex right at his neck. Voldemort’s head was completely cut off and he died instantly.

 

#1. Posted in the wrong section. EDIT: Nonjon has moved it so scratch this one off.

#2. Dark lord Voldemort is incorrect. In the phrase Dark Lord, Lord is a proper noun.

#3. The word order in your first sentence is jumbled.

#4. The Wizardry World should be "Wizarding" World... The 'ing' ending is the proper ending to the word in English grammar.

#5. You mispelled Hermione's name "Hermonie".

#6. You mispelled Gin-sluts last name, it should be "Weasley".

#7. You mispelled Neville's name when you called him "Nevelle".

#8. Neville dueling Bellatrix is the cliche of all cliches.

#9. You seem to be listing events by telling us rather than revealing events by showing us.

 

Thanks I'll change it

 

Moved to fanfic discussion where this thread should have been.

Though ordering someone to review won't exactly get you a lot of critique. Attract flies with honey and all.

As for the paragraph? Umm... yeah. I saw a Hermonie, Nevelle, deatheaters, LeStrange, hogsmead, Wesley, and a whole bunch more odd spelling and grammar choices.

So we're starting after the war with a wussy!Harry who defeated Voldemort with a cutting hex?

Not really sure you're trying here so I'm not really going to go out of my way to help you.

 

Sorry bout the way the review statement wasn't trying to order some one

 

Unless you have an incredibly original plot for post-war Harry, and a proof reader, there is nothing new here so far. Though, I probably shouldn't be talking as I am writing a story in the most rehashed genre. Either way, as far as 'last man standing' final battle scenes go...this one is quite over done.

Try again, or let us see a little more of where you are going with this.

 

I'm under the impression that he meant 'preview' of a story that will soon be on FFNet.

My honest review of what you've got here: You need a beta, but unless your plot is goddamned awesome, I seriously doubt that you'll find a good beta willing to correct something with this many mistakes. I don't mean to be harsh to a budding writer, but when a beta has to correct that many mistakes, they're practically writing the story, and you're just giving them the ideas and plot.

Getting characters' names correct is definitely necessary...I don't understand how you can read six books full of these names and still be unable to spell them.

Your plot seems to be building up to an extremely cliche'd story. I assume that from here, with everyone he loves being dead, Harry goes back in time. I can also safely assume that it will either be because Dumbledore is giving him a way to redo things or let him see his parents, or because Harry wants to redo things and will go back either to the MWPP era or to his childhood/his time at Hogwarts.

If this is the case, or if Harry is going to a new dimension, I strongly urge you to abandon this idea and think up an original one.

 

Paragraph and sentences feel awkward. For one (and this is something I have trouble with too) watch out for run-on sentences.

Order of events feels weird. Who killed who and what does 7th year have to do with anything in relation. Break up the sentence.

Besides spelling and capitalization (Beta?) what does the destruction of the Wizarding World have to do with the Horcuxes? You make it sound like Harry was directly responsible for the mayham. Was he? Then say so.

Again, run-on sentences. I don't want to take away from your unique point of view but as a reader I would have dropped the story right about the third time you mentioned 'broken', it's too repetetive. Find a thesarus or describe his injuries diffrently. Instead of 'broken ribs' try describing how they would feel. 'Harry couldn't breath without feeling the bones in his chest shift.'

Just something that bothered me was Voldemort turning his back. He just doesn't seem like a guy that would do that. If need be banish Hogwarts on top of him.

Other than that I hope you have an original plot idea in mind otherwise this story is going to get buried with the other dozen just like it.

 

I have an original idea, it is a time travel story but I'm introducing a new villian and a couple of new twists. I have a group of villians that will make Voldemort look like a squib.

 

Right now I think everyone is a squib.

 

Having a new group of villians making Voldemort look like a squib is just really...well not stupid per say but kind of pointless. For one if you're timetraveling and since, you didnt deny the time I'm going along with the guess thats its back to the MWPP era then would'nt they have all died by now sine the ministry could barely handle Voldemort.

Also, I could be wrong but making a new 'super' villain is kind of like making a mary-sue. Utterly pointless and dissappointing to a point.

I apologize if I'm totally off base on my predictions otherwise....

 

No sorry, it is stupid.

Wtf is the point, it completely undershadows the wars before that and turns in into Marvel instead of HP.

I honestly think you're trying to hard.

 

Darius, be a little nicer.
Anyway, yeah you should honestly try and edit your spelling and grammer mistakes. Also you may want to consider some changes to your plot and try to avoid cliches.
good luck with the story.

 

Question.

Is this just a synopsis of your prologue or the actual prologue?

If this is the actual prologue than you need to flesh it out alot more.

If it is not than show me the actual one so I can see where you need help with the flow and immersion.

 

Its just the first paragraph of the prologue

 

I agree with my compadres here.

There are so many spelling and grammatical errors that it's a bit of a fight to read. Your characters are wimpy at best; Harry blocks an Avada Kedavra with a brick and the Dark Lord, with years and years of Dark Arts experience, doesn't notice that? Voldemort set up by one of the oldest tricks in the book and defeated by a fourth/fifth year spell? Sorry, no sale here.

You've got to work on your language, and you've got to put some thought into your characters. Questions like, who are they? what do they want? how do they intend to get there? what do they know? are very important for you to consider when you're planning your rewrite. Search out a character development questionnaire and use it. I guarantee it will help you.

 

In that case you have far too much going on in that paragraph. It is a summary and people don't want to read a summary within a story.

Describe only what is happening at that moment, no one cares what happened in the past except when it actually applies to the current circumstances.

The wizarding world is in shambles? That's nice, tell us when Harry or whomever does something within the greater Wizarding community.

The Ministry and Hogsmeade are destroyed? Unless they are heading that way right now I don't give a damn.

So and so is injuried? If they are currently doing nothing for the plot who the fuck cares and why should we even know exactly who they are. Tell us after the battle and only if they are a significant character in your story. If they are not going to show up again in the story they can stay as one of the nameless participants.

I know why you have included this, you thought that by including of this that it would convey the desperation of the situation. But in reality it doesn't. Its all just a laundry list of currently useless information. It's too abstract. It lacks real substance. Meaningless.

What I want you to do is visualize the opening scene. Consider what the landscape looks like. What the battle has done to it. Consider the weather and how it influences what you see. Where the dead have fallen and where the survivors/wounded have congregated themselves. Imagine what you would be hearing in the battleground.(Absolute silence is horribly cliched and a complete cop out) What would you smell? What kind of emotional atmosphere is present? One of anticipation? Trepidation? Despair?

Once you have decided on all of that write it in. This method is by far more effective at establishing the mood and helps so much with the flow and immersion that some people will read your story even if the plot is something they have seen a thousand times because most fanfic writers don't bother with this part of writing and its so refreshing when you do see it.

 

so basically ... there are only a few wizards left ... harry knows the cutting curse so he's probably the most powerfull wizard in britain! All the death eaters are dead so there are a few purebloods left so all their money is just laying around the economy broke down ... hmmm... Harry and Ginny will probably get together and the'll have 10000000 kids and ginny will be the fattest woman on earth ! Oh. And the kids will probably have black or red hair ( like lilly mind you not like ginny ) and they will be beautifull. And then out of sudden the streets in Diagon Ally will be full , and there will be 1000000 wizards that lived the war sitting home , and doing nothing. Harry will be happy that he saved them all instead of just killing everyone of them because all his friends , mind you school children died ... and their parents fully educated wizards didn't come to help their own kids fight a war because they were scared of the big bad death eaters ! who know 4 spells !!! : The AK , The Crucio , The imperius and the Cutting curse live on !

It seams to be the start of the best HP story EVER !

All the Authors do that mistake ... There Fuckin should be a Call to Arms for the whole UK every witch and wizard , floo to hogwarts , portkey , apparition in a special room to help fight ! FFS is it so hard ....but noooo the final mithical great battle Hp vs. Voldemort is the students , teachers , a few aurors vs. death eaters ! Doesn't britain have allies to call on them ?! And Don't these kids have parent's that will help them ?#?@$% and Why does Voldemort have a 10000000000000 strong army in most fics , and the defenders of Hogwarts as listed 2 lines up are as many when in harrys year there are about 20 people ? lets say ... 30 per year so .. Voldie : Orks , giants trolls DE's .. and hogwarts 6*20 = 120 + 7th year where not everyone stays so lets say 18 so 138 + 14 ,15 teachers so 152 + 30 aurors .. 182 .. half of the children can't cast shit , the other half stunners , eventually reducto that shouldn't harm another human as it was in one of the fics. (sadly can;t remember the title ) And the Aurors aren;t allowed to kill so the death eaters are mostly revived in 2 seconds , so theoretically there shouldn't be a chance that they can win . Okay enough of my thoughts..

The summary sucks!

 

Hmm, firstly, it's very narrative, you need to make it more of a story, if you know what i mean. Show us what's happening, rather than just telling us. Secondly, as has been mentioned, sort out the spelling, it won't take long to just check the canon words and a correctly spelt story is always infinitely better.

A few other things I've noticed are word order and certain grammar points you need to sort out, things like

which needs to actually be 'blocked'. The word order in the first sentence doesn't flow too well.

Another thing you could do to make it better is to get rid of the cliche of Bellatrix vs Neville, perhaps find some more original 'magical' injuries rather than just broken bones, and perhaps a better way to kill off Voldemort, who is highly unlikely to go down from a cutting curse.

Again, as others have said the premise for this story doesn't look to be very original, but go ahead anyway, not only will writing help you get better and find new ideas, but my story's pretty unoriginal and it still gets pretty good reviews, and I myself like it. As long as you are happy with your story that's all that matters, but please sort out the glaring errors before you post it.

 

before you post : write the whole story with a few versions of the key chapters , read it a few times , send it all to 2 or 3 beta's let them read it and correct a few thing .. then post