Sorry Had to add a 'Chap Skip' because of that dumbass formatting prob.

 

Don't be, just keep writing the way you are and you'll do great. Superb story, great ideas, and awesome action, I love this story...5/5. Good Job.

 

OOOOooo Nice.

I've seen that challenge ages ago, I'm glad to see someone finally doing it .

Mog

 

Here comes Tinn Tam's dreaded review...

First, I'll have you know that I printed your prologue and first chapter, so that I could re-read them without getting a headache from intensely staring at my screen for 4 hours .

Let's just say my printer hates you now...

Okay, now, my long-due review.

General impression: I should say that I'm rendered speechless, but given that I'm just about to write a novel of a review, it would be totally inappropriate. Well, you get the general idea... I love it. It is simply brilliant.

However, before I start raving about your writing abilities, let's get the (hopefully) constructive criticism done.

Form:

A few spelling/grammar mistakes here or there, "it's" instead of "its" and "then" instead of "than" being the recurrent ones; for the grammar/syntax: there are sometimes problems with the sequence of tenses (though I may be oversensitive to that kind of thing, given my origins); using the present tense when it should be the past (It is/It was) or the preterit when it should be the pluperfect… Other than that, you have a very unique style of writing, which greatly contributes to creating a special atmosphere for this story; darker and much more epic than the atmosphere in the HP books.

I also noticed the repeated use of fragments of sentences. I like the stylistic effect, but you're using them a tad too often in my opinion. It can sound melodramatic when overdone. For some sentences, going for the simplicity instead of accumulating the effects might have suited your story better.

The dialogues are good, though I found the part when the three girls talk to Harry after his display of anger a little forced, somehow. The way they all speak in turn, each of them waiting for the other to finish before they have a comforting gesture towards Harry... That's what struck me as a bit unnatural: each of them taking the time to touch him or physically comfort him (no double/twisted/sick meaning intended, for those reading this) before talking to him. It was like a... a choreography or something. There was something theatrical, almost ritual, about their reactions. Also, the way they all call his name before addressing him adds to this feeling of weirdness. People hardly call each other's name when they talk in real life.

The constant switching from past to present and back again was... a little confusing, which was near-unavoidable given the nature of the prologue (as a series of flashbacks), but still very skilfully done. The bits of ‘present’ injected here and there were just what was necessary to remind the readers that Harry was actually remembering all this; otherwise, I would have probably felt a little lost between the rush of flashbacks and the abrupt return to present time. The connections between Harry’s train of thought and the memories it induced were very well-done, giving your chapter perfect coherence; and again, I know from experience (both as a reader and as an author) that it’s a very difficult thing to do when writing a succession of flashbacks.

What else?... You seem to hate repetitions, if I am to judge from your using many different terms to refer to Harry. Most authors, JKR included, merely call him ‘Harry’; you, on the other hand, resorts to a handful of circumlocutions such as ‘the raven-haired teen’, ‘the young wizard’, ‘the Potter heir’, ‘the Chosen One’ or ‘the Boy-Who-Lived’. Most of them flow well, and it’s nice not to have to suffer repetitions; those often make one’s writing sound awkward. Sometimes, though, calling him ‘the raven-haired boy’ instead of just ‘Harry’ sounded a little artificial. It may be just me—I saw ‘the raven-haired boy’ once, got a little stuck on it, translated it into French to test the sound of it, and it sounded really weird… Anyway, no repetitions = good. But too many circumlocutions = you sound a little like you’re trying very hard to avoid repetitions (speaking of which, how many times did I repeat the verb ‘sound’ in that last paragraph? >_<), in an almost schoolish way.

While I’m at talking about vocabulary: yours is very rich and extensive, and thanks to that you manage to create a contrasted atmosphere. The French authors Baudelaire or Maupassant use a flawless French and an incredibly rich vocabulary to describe trivial, disgusting or utterly depressing situations; the effect you create here is similar: even though death and destruction are everywhere, the words you use ennoble your characters and their actions; this is another major break from JKR’s simple and ‘to the point’ writing, and one I enjoyed immensely. However, you sometimes break from your own habits and use much more trivial words. The result, if surprising, is most of the time very enjoyable.

Ex: “Harry and Crying had met many times under moonlight. Crying knew all of his secrets.”

Just when I was starting to think that your metaphor (or personification, to be accurate) was a bit too elaborated, and bordering artificial, especially since it was describing Harry's thoughts, you add:

“Crying was a bitch that would show up whenever Harry wanted her the least.”

Nice contrast.

That was the most boring part of my review. I have other formal remarks to make about your fight scenes, but they deserve a whole part of my review just for them, so that’ll come later. Now, onto more interesting stuff:

Content:

General position of the story in relation to Canon:
While you respect canon, you’ve managed to take over the Harry Potter world and turn it into something much more complex and much darker (using, among other things, the various processes I have already described). The world you’ve created is both similar and completely different from JKR’s world; and this is perfectly illustrated when Harry compares his present life with the task Dumbledore gave him, which sounded so “simple, clean, and elegant” at the time… Brilliant!

Characterisation:
Very good. JKR’s characters are still recognisable, but they have obviously changed, they have been shaped differently by the horrible events they all went through. The change is so smooth that it seems absolutely natural and believable. Harry being supported by Hermione and Ron was nicely done, even if, as an eternal Ginny-hater, I would have preferred that she wouldn’t be on the same level as his best friends. Reading about the pair of them in a relationship, I can handle, especially if it’s as well written as it is here; but seeing her everywhere… I’m not so sure. As things are, she seemed to be the dreaded fourth member of Harry’s group of friends. Luna’s characterisation was good, you gave a nice insight into her mind, along with very intriguing facts about her; even if her 'Sight' might not be the most original find, it was still nicely depicted and… strangely chilling.

Harry’s characterisation is wonderful. You’ve made him both hardened and still deeply human, both independent and true to his nature as a Gryffindor. You’ve shaped him, from the teenager he still is at the end of HBP, into a complex character, hurt by all his losses yet determined, forced by the circumstances to be the one everyone looks up to and yet accepting this responsibility without the slightest second thought. I love him. I love the way you underlined his maturing and his losing all illusions and nearly all hopes, with the contrast between past and present. Once again, wonderful job.

Voldemort was well-written too, though I sensed a kind of contradiction in the way you’ve treated his character. On one hand, you make him almost God-like, calm and haughty, intoxicated with his own power but still perfectly composed; you gave him that kind of aura that almost induces admiration, even if it comes from someone who hates him. But on the other hand, your constant calling him ‘Riddle’ is destabilising. You’ll notice that JKR, who is also making him a feared and somehow noble opponent, always use ‘Voldemort’; the only exception is when Dumbledore addresses him, and it’s easy to see that it’s precisely because Dumbledore commands respect even more than Voldemort does. Calling Voldemort ‘Riddle’ reduces him as a wizard like any other, only more ambitious. All in all, a little strange… But still, probably the most canon character here.

The Battle scenes:
There are… different. Very different from anything I’ve read so far.

At first read, I thought—like others, most likely—that they were very long. So long that I actually skimmed through them. Actually, I am unfortunate enough to be unable to read a story without being completely immersed in it, forgetting everything else; as a consequence, I often have on my face the characters’ expressions… (It’s rather embarrassing: in the middle of a story, someone interrupts to ask you suspiciously, “What are you smiling/frowning about?” and then it’s very hard to make them believe you were doing your homework ) Anyway, I was so taken in the action that I was exasperated to see how long the descriptions were; I felt that my level of adrenaline had the time to go down below physiological level, by the time I was done with the descriptions. Stupid, I know. Stupid. Stupid. As a result, I nearly missed one of the most beautiful part of the prologue.

Second read (yes... I noticed your story was twice as enjoyable at the second read): I drank every word. The extreme variety of spells, the thorough exploitation of time and space, the detailed descriptions of the characters’ moves… Everything works towards creating one of the most original and complete fight scenes ever. Most HP fight scenes mainly use spell work. Yours are so much more complex, interesting and realistic. There’s a perfect balance between depicting action and writing Harry’s thoughts and feelings during the fight.

I was intrigued by the form of your battle scenes. Your sentences are long and well articulated, and on the whole, if I had to use a word to describe your writing, it would be the musical word “legato”. Meaning, it all flows. It’s strange; I, for one, would use a “legato” style for description of still things, reasoning, emotions etc. For the fight scenes, I would use a “staccato” style (short sentences, quick enumerations, a… terse, sharp style etc.). Still, after I got used to it, that style seemed fitting; it was a horrible mess described like a dance, a kind of strangely beautiful choreography. I'm hooked. I'm in love with that style of yours, seriously.

The battle scenes are also the moments when you are the furthest away from canon (does that even make sense? Not sure). Wandless magic, martial arts, everything screams ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. I am usually a bit bothered by that kind of thing. I always feel it's not right to give wizards such power. There should be a limit in what a wizard can do, otherwise the world doesn't make sense (sorry, I sound way too scientific…). Still, the idea of extraordinarily powerful warriors enables you to do such a thing, I guess. And on the other hand, Harry was indeed more powerful than what he should be, but he still have his weaknesses. Anyway, the only fact that I went on reading (whereas I usually hit the "back" button every time I stumble across a back-flipping Hermione) proves that it was written exceptionably well.

Now, about the plot in itself:
(A tiny little thing, before I forget: you mention Fred as one of the killed in the Prologue, and you bring him back as an Order member in the first chapter. You might want to fix that.)
God, this is complicated! You seem to have set the basis for so many different things you need to develop! I really don't have the courage to list them all… Luna's dreams, Harry's mission and how he will accomplish it, how Voldemort managed to awaken his seven warriors, and what is going on in their heads… Well, right now, I can't find the words to describe how puzzled, intrigued, and impatient I am (I think I just heard you sigh in relief). I'm just… yearning for more. More! I want more! I will beg you for more until my dying day (or yours)!

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Thank you for the great read.

--Tinn

PS: I'll try to write my review for chapter 1 next week; there won't be any of the grammatical or stylistic stuff, so it should be more interesting.

EDIT: Thanks to Xiph0, BlueMagicMarker and Lutris for the help with the grammatical terms.

 

Tinn's right mostly. I would type more, but I'm tired as fuck.

UPDATE!!!

 

My head is spinning from just reading Tinn's review. Sorry I didnt take the time to analyze this one Thal, exams and all that.

Well. Update soon.

 

Well thats a review and a half if i have ever seen one, i agree with him on pretty much everything though, and he noticed loads of things i didnt but once i re-read it i did pick up. Still a brilliant fic, just wish you would update!

 

The update is on it's way, I've just hit a snag on a few parts. Real life, school, relationships and some other things in November don't grant me a ton of time to write.

That and I lost about 12k of the chapter at one point. >_<

The update is on it's way and hopefully it'll still be to everyone's standards. And Hunted, Tinn is a woman who happens to have a nice nekkid French ass in corduroy.

 

Hey glad the update is coming soon and Thal, how do you know Tinn looks like? hmmmmmm?

j/k

Later

 

Heh heh, nice to know.

But seriously, this is fast becoming my favourite HP fanfiction. An epic tale even at only two chapters. Not much else I can say that hasn't already been said, so keep up the good work.

 

Same as Mr Strike, theres not really much I can say.
The story is good and I would love an update.

 

Yo thought I'd leave something here, >_>

I don't care what anybody else says Thal, personally I think your chapter lengths are great.

They bitch when its not long enough, and when its too long. Don't take it to seriously, when you get into the story it doesn't really matter.

 

Holy crap. I think I'm going to have to hang up my writer's cap and slink off into a very dark corner. This is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

You know I was/am (was?) planning to write a sequel-fic to my current "Lessons" about Harry's natural, wandless powers and the aftermath of the war and all that but after reading this I don't think I'd better dare. Holy shit...

I really enjoy your characterization of Harry--he has GROWN strong and powerful, rather than just being suddenly transformed. I love the relationship between the trio and luna, and that is saying something, because I usually cannot stand her, cannon or otherwise.

What I enjoy most about your writing is that the world you've built is so seamless and believable because of the DETAIL you use--I am a big fan of details, and yours are wonderful.

And damnit! I always wanted someone to lose an arm (though I thought Ron might be a little cooler if he had), and here you've done it!

What you've done is something that IMO is the best thing an author can do--you've inspired JEALOUSY from another writer. Ha ha, now on to the next chapter! 5/5!

 

FUCK!!!

Stop Teasing me, all the rest of you!!! Thalarian, update when you get a chance. Por favor.

 

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I hate it when people do that. When your just waiting for an update and you see people have posted and you think it was updated. ESSPECIALLY TO FIGHT THE COMING DARKNESS AND BUNGLE

 

Hey, Hey. I just beta

But man, are you guys in for a treat. Snape vs. Harry

I have a question for Thalarian to get back on topic: Will all of the acquisitions to Harry's harem be so elaborate? If yes, then I would be stunned if this fic was ever completed (not that I wouldn't enjoy the ride )

Anyway, what say you, Thalarian?

 

Amerision is waiting.

If Amerision can update a fic of his, Thalarian certainly can.

 

Yes if the sheep emperor can update so can you Thalarian. Now update. Cause this is in my top 10.

 

LOL I can hear everyone calling for my lynching if I don't update in an orderly fashion, but I will give you all a status update so long as it keeps me alive.

The next chapter is almost done, there's only a few parts of the final scene left to write and I'm hoping that it will be near completion (Off to my beta however) by the end of this weekend. I'm sure most everyone has already heard by now but I lost a major chunk of this chapter for some unknown reason and rewrote about 12k of it, otherwise it would have been released about a week or so ago. (That coupled with the holiday season and a wedding hasn't helped)

Yuppers Chuck, each place Harry must travel will be as elaborate and then some. At least that is my hope. These first few chapters will take the longest to update only because I have to walk on eggshells to make sure there is nothing I skip and/or screw up. I need to make sure my characterizations, settings, plot lines, and just the general HP feel all stay together. I can't lose that HP aura of the story otherwise this will just turn into some random fic where you could replace the names.

Once the first 7 chapters are completed, I will be releasing a Trailer Chapter that will give you snippets of scenes to look forward to from the REST of the fic. I have almost the entire thing planned out, as well as two possible outcomes. There will be new ideas and such I'm sure, but there are major catalysts that I won't be changing. Once these first few chapters are done I should be able to update on a more regular basis as I won't have a guideline to follow (One woman per chapter, plus everything in between) and that will make it easier to update chapters in smaller formats.

I guess another plus is I'm taking a year off school once the semester ends in January to focus on my artwork. My girlfriend will also be taking a 6 month internship starting Feb. in LA at a Calvin Klein studio for her fashion design, so all this coupled together should really free me up to push this fic forward.

I will shoot for about an update a month after this one, keeping the chapters a decent enough length (As well with the optional page markers for those who want to be pissy about that ).

 

That's good to hear . Congrats to your G/F for landing that internship, sounds like a lucky experience to have if your going into Fashion Design.

It's been said enough so I won't say it...... oh what the hell, UPDATE! xD

Mog