An untitled story that is basically "After Voldemort comes back, this one Muggle ends up accidentally Ciaphas Cain'ing his way into a lot of important victories and everybody thinks he's a wizard in spite of his insistence of the contrary. The story takes itself as seriously as possible, which drives the Muggle protagonist insane.

He's basically a magician apprentice and accidentally had his tricks be seen as legitimate magic, and a couple coincidences made his cowardice make him seem like a brilliant general. At one point he's captured by Voldemort, who challenges him to use his best magic. Frustrated, he goes "...PICK A CARD! ANY CARD!"

The world shall never see it because the story takes itself far too seriously. The humor for me was in every character being a perfect straight man while the protagonist was like "NO. NO. THIS IS BULLSHIT. WHY. YOU'RE ALL INSANE." which I think made the story kind of hard to read, because at one point you'd read an entire chapter of Dumbledore discussing this perfect strategist they found and the other the protagonist would be like "NO. NO. I'M TRYING TO RUN. WHY. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M GOOD FOR YOU?"

 

Sorry for the necro but I had to get this down in some form. I had a bit of it written before my pc crashed and I don't have the ability or patience to write it again on an iPhone. It went a bit like this:

'End Game for the End Days': The wizard war is long over, the Dark Lord won and left this ashen earth for god knows what. There is no reason to fight anymore, no gain. But some people justneed to fucking die.

Basically a post apocalypse story of Harry walking the earth and assassinating death eaters one by one. I put a lot of effort into making each attempt unique and difficult for our protagonist, for example:

Bellatrix had started a cult to worship the ascended Voldemort and to carry on his work of killing surviving muggles and muggleborns. (All while hoping he would one day return.) So Harry disguises himself and begins to sew discord into her cult. (Why should we worship a man who promised us paradise and abandoned us? And why should we follow the woman who helped him do it?) After creating a schism in the Church, Harry leads them against themselves and Bella while causing as much death as he can on both sides, Harry reveals himself among the dead and the dying and an injured Harry fights an equally injured death eater turned priest which culminates in a duel on top of a dilapidated skyscraper in the middle of a thunderstorm.

The second assassination attempt was in Draco Malloy and his wife Pansy Parkinson, but Harry is captured by the pair while doing reconnaissance. He wakes up not in a dungeon, but on a richly furnished but extremely secured bedroom, he's been disarmed and tied to a chair. Draco and Pansy are fucking on the bed right in front of him.

After an exetremely agressive and uncomfortable conversation with the two, Harry learns that the two have developed something of an obsession with him, and intend to keep him as a sex slave. Harry is kept for weeks, the two constantly put him through disgusting sexual abuse (from watching them perform together or one at a time, to having them nearly molest him.) And also through the invasive and humiliating. (Pansy insists on washing him and even shaving his face.)

But that's as far as they go, they say they want him to come to them willingly. So Harry, being as cunning as any slytherin, one day gives in. He's guided through the halls of Malloy manor by a security detail, (headed of course by Crabbe and Goyle) and arrives, unarmed, at the couples door.

After letting them get uncomfortably close, Harry strikes in a way that a wizard never expects. What follows is a drag out brawl that is violent and brutal, but extremely quick. (Security is just outside the door.) Pansy is tossed from the third story window and Draco is choked to death. (Harry lets out some of the anger and disgust he's had locked up for the past week) and after stealing the dead malfoys wand, The-Boy-Who-Failed fights his way through a dozen well trained guards.

He's injured and tired (That effeminate blonde prick put up a decent fight damnit all.) but he fights dirty (including one moment of using Draco's corpse as a shield.) and he makes it out. He searches the place for his wand, puts a killing curse into Pansy's unmoving body just to be sure, sets Malfoy manor alight and moves on to the next death eater.

That's about where my pc blew.

Anyway, sorry again for the necroing and for the long post but goddamn does it feel good to at least get some of that story on the web and off my chest.

 

^ That was fucking terrible.

I started writing a crack/parody fic that's based around the point of divergence where Harry kills Draco in HBP in the bathroom and hides it, ensuing chaos. I think it was pretty funny but others probably wouldn't. It was abandoned when Rolling released her horrendous play and made me hate the franchise.

There was also a drama fic, taking place around 1985 in Hogwarts, where a bunch of kids who secretly study the Dark Arts accidentally kill someone, and have to contend with the resulting investigation as suspects. Basically "The Secret History" in Hogwarts. It was supposed to be an exploration of what Dark Magic really is, as well as conflicting moral stances. Started writing it but wasn't sure where to take the plot. Abandoned for the same reason above.

 

Oh yes, it was REALLY bad. But I wrote it when I was sixteen and felling very dark and dramatic, it only really stuck with me BECAUSE I lost it. Otherwise it would have gone in the massive scrap heap of stories that I'm far too embarrassed to let anyone see.

Now that I've put all that shit out there hopefully I can move on and toward my one true goal of writing something that doesn't make the world collectively roll their eyes. God help me.

 

Harry Potter/Fast and Furious fusion.

And before y'all convict me of crimes against humanity, hear me out:

Through generations of poor investments and mismanagement of funds, the Weasley's are living in abject poverty, with no hope of getting out. Arthur and Molly end up dead at the back end of the first war, after Ginny is born, in some small skirmish with Death Eater remnants. The family falls into Bill's hands.

Too young to have a real job, and with a family of seven to fend for, Bill turns his keen mind and reasonable talent toward crime. Through some brief involvement with Curse Breaking, he gets into smuggling and is decent at it; it pays decently and allows him to keep tabs on his siblings as they grow up.

As each gets older, they begin to get involved in Bill's life. Charlie, with a keen eye for animals, fits right in with Bill's smuggling buddies, working to acquire and smuggle rare magical creatures. Percy, ever the bookworm, makes for a masterful accountant/legitimate face for the family; he keeps track of finances and runs interference whenever the Ministry gets a little too close for comfort. The twins are perfect distractions, able to create havoc wherever needed at the drop of a hat. Ron is a jack of all trades who has a mind for strategy (deal with it), that Bill is training up to help run the whole show. Ginny, the youngest, has her hands in everything, and is a major glue that holds the family together when times get tough.

Through it all, they live by one code: family over everything.

In walks Harry Potter, hot-shot new Auror looking to prove himself on the job, with an in because he and Ron were tight in their Hogwarts days. The scene is set for a slew of international heists and character conflict as Harry has to balance his undercover identity with growing feelings for Ginny, and the suspicions of the ever mercurial Bill.

...now you can convict me of crimes against humanity.

 

As your penance for such a terrible idea, you're going to have to write it.

 

One that stands out in the "Don't Open, Dead Inside" folder is a humorous crime/adventure piece where Harry is raised by Mundungus Fletcher. This is directly from my notes:

It takes place in a post-Hogwarts AU where Voldemort isn't an issue. Harry's identity as Harry Potter has a Batman-esque use in that it covers his truest face, that of the Pureblood Burglar, from the rest of the world. (His name just indicates that he targets Purebloods, but people think it points to his blood status. It's a mistake that he exploits to the fullest extent while playing the trickster.)

Of course, his adventures take a serious turn when he decides to take something from the Department of Mysteries, with Auror Ron Weasley and Unspeakable Hermione Granger, mortal enemies, teaming up to go after him. Also features several love interests, from the Patil twins to Daphne Greengrass -- but the most noteworthy one is Luna Lovegood, the bizarre and intrepid reporter who is slowly putting together the pieces of the Burglar's identity.

I got as far as finishing the Fletcher-narrated prologue before I realized that was all of this particular story that I seemed to have in me.

 

This sounds like a wonderful fic. If I were writing it I'd got for Dung who was in the role of Figg as an overseer not a guardian. But obvious he got his influence in.

 

That's an excellent workaround of the daunting AU that the original idea would have needed. Hm. I might have to perform necromancy on that fic ...

 

Harry Potter and the Hassles of Adulthood; a riot of a adventure/humor fic in which our chief protagonist comes of age and must suffer through all of the (hitherto unknown) catch's scattered across the wizarding world.

Apparently medieval in most ways, he never expected a credit report to turn up on this side of the Statute of Secrecy. With his gold confiscated for back-taxes imposed by the Voldemort administration, Harry must walk and talk his way through an assortment of less than helpful bureaucrats still enjoying the benefits of the Death Eater's point of view in order to file an appeal. With that challenge conquered the assortment of documents they send out all seem to find the wrong address, leading him to the corruption within the owl service. Can he find the man behind the scenes jinxing it all up before his three-month counter-period expires?

Eventually having gotten the suitable thirty-page documents filled, his next wall is in seeing Gringotts to approve a review of the situation. Greedy buggers by nature and ill-fit to let go of what they view as rightfully their own, Harry may just be better off surrendering rather than taking them to task. At the end they allow him to reserve a fraction of his parent's inheritance.

Later on he goes to Saint Mungos for treatment following a nasty infection from the goblins' method of signature(they do so favor those unsanitary blood quills and pins for authorization and confirmation of identity where it really matters!) he is informed that he requires prior healthcare. Now that is why the Weasleys were always so broke! Several children on their plan leaching away every sickle, knut, and preciously rare galleon! Growing rather literally green around the gills, he can accept the astronomical rate the healers are charging or try and gut the matter out until he can find out who to see at the Ministry for a plan.

Of course, having never graduated Hogwarts, his options are atrocious by the time he reaches the office of some old crone in charge of the matter. He may have been better off throwing his hands in the air and taking the hit to his non-existent-vault. Gradually unraveling around the edges, mentally and physically, Harry signs her ridiculous paperwork and has to further wait for an owl to bring his healthcare token.

Almost a month since his blood began to turn grayish-green and his skin paling to an unnatural alabaster, Harry arrives at Saint Mungos to find his state of disease has hit an even more costly tier of recovery. Fuming and fed up, Harry takes his cure and vows to clean up and cut through all this shite, but if he has any hope to obtain a good job he'll have to re-enroll for his last year of education, and that is not cheap!

If he'd thought it was manageable before, now over-17, he get's to be shuffled into a reserve class with the other losers.

In the end Harry finally sees where Voldemort was coming from. This whole society is a sack of crap with almost nothing salvageable. Burn it all to the ground and build it up again.

 

Rofl. That summary is basically a decent crack fic in itself.

It reminds me of this stupid story idea I had at one point where Harry travels back in time to his younger body with the intent to go to Hogwarts and vanquish Voldemort and all that, only to find out that tax bills start arriving in the owl post. Eventually, when his Hogwarts letter doesn't arrive, he finds out that people time-travelling into their younger bodies is rather old-hat for the wizarding world, and the Ministry isn't keen to put up with this 'pretending to be children' bollocks.

I say we combine our stories for maximum trolling. :awesome