Welcome to the 2024 Q3 Bitesize Competition - Week 2

Topic(s): Short dialogue with minimal use of tags and beats, using voice to determine speaker

Good Example: https://www.mit.edu/people/dpolicar/writing/prose/text/thinkingMeat.html

Word count: Under 500 words
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Bitesize writing competitions will differ from our typical writing competitions. When we do bitesize writing competitions, each small prompt will have around five days for everyone to write a scene (or even just a sentence). During the weekend, we will compare and review each others entries. None of these prompts should take more than 500 words to write. If you have no interest in even wanting to write, don't vote.

Deadline: Saturday, September 28th at 11:59pm (23:59) PST​

Discussion: Sunday, September 29th ​

Send your scenes/sentences to @Lindsey once you're done. You can have up to TWO entries. On the day they are due, I will post all the entries in a single post. During the weekend, we can discuss each others entries and how to improve them.

Voting Rules
We will not have official voting like normal competitions. Instead we will have a discussion on how to improve the scenes. If you wish, you can pick your favorite entry.

Got an idea for a future prompt? Put it in this thread!

 

For the few who voted, thank you.

The prompt is:
Short dialogue with minimal use of tags and beats, using voice to determine speaker

 

General thoughts:
Five entries this time. Using the power of inductive reasoning, we can conclude that next time there should be six. Exciting times ahead. We're projected to reach our peak when inevitably we're prompted to write 500 words about Daphne Greengrass' titties and get no less than 50 entries, and from there it'll all be downhill.

I think my general thoughts from last time still hold up. We still have something of a focus on punchlines (or pointe), but this time the prompt was more about how to convey something (voice, specific speakers, etc.) than it was about a specific setting, time period, or something else concrete. WFS said on Discord that he'd interpreted this prompt to also require no names being used, which I'd argue isn't actually necessary.

Mostly notable is here that there's been no one who opted for reasons why there should be minimal use of beats or tags. Most of these scenes are just normal scenes that could have been part of a larger thing, except that now they have everything except the dialogue removed. This wasn't necessarily the only way to fulfill the prompt, though: one thing I was considering was a situation where the POV doesn't actually see the people speaking - overhearing something, maybe spying on a hushed conversation. That would've given a reason why the POV also has to distinguish speakers only by voice and would have been excellent and creative use of the prompt.

But then again that requires additional setup outside of dialogue, which I guess none of us really did opt for. Except for me because I wrote #4 and that has very minimal scene-setting.

Anyway, general rambling over. Specific rambling time.

#1:

One of the biggest issues, I suppose you could call them, in HP time travel stories: does the POV tell Dumbledore that they've been hurtled through time? Usually the answer is no, because either the author thinks Dumbledore is a manipulative coot who believes in the Greater Good (in which case their opinion can be disregarded) or more generally because there's a sense that Dumbledore will then take over the story, and at that point you could simply have the rest of the story be summarized as "Dumbledore solves everything".

In this case, though, you go for "yes". The fact that it's a pretty tight timeloop gives you that kind of freedom, because with the timeframe of a single day that means Dumbledore can't solve everything. Maybe I'm making more of that choice than I should, but dunno. Stuck out to me.

That said, some other stuff. I don't think the details, as presented, are quite that conclusive, but on the balance of it I think that Dumbledore would probably accept the idea of a time loop on the face of it with good humour the way the piece has it, so it still works.

Also interesting is that Harry's first thought is to have the time loop be broken. In most of these setups, the timeloop is used to accumulate power or maybe reach a desired outcome, a sort of reset-until-you-get-it-right. Here, though, we get only a little glimpse of the timelooping, and there's been not much of an attempt to really exploit it yet, it sounds like. I'd also have thought that Dumbledore would have asked further - who keeps dying, why? If no one were to die, would that resolve the timeloop, maybe?

But those are thoughts for a larger piece, I suppose. The constraint of 500 words must have been pretty hard.

For the things we're actually supposed to critique on: Harry's voice is a little too hesitant, maybe, but then again we don't know what year this is. I'm willing to give that a pass. Dumbledore shows off some lighthearted wisdom but maybe it could've used a few dollops of sagacity more.

#2:

I initially read this as a more inquisitive or more studious Harry (one might say, the usual Slytherin!Harry template in first year) who has a discussion with Dumbledore that's vaguely reminiscent of the one he had in canon about the Mirror of Erised, but later I realized that it's more likely to be Riddle and Dumbledore.

Nonetheless, I'm not quite sold that that is what this is. For one thing, the voices (central to the prompt) seem off.

We start with a discussion on "powers". This, to me, seems a misstep. Dumbledore might consider himself powerful (at least I think he fears what he could do) but I don't think he'd ever bring that up unprompted and I think he might even chastise people for only considering magic as something that makes one powerful. The voice doesn't read as Dumbledorean to me, after that initial jarring discordant note.

Neither does Riddle really feel like Riddle. At this point he's still trying to charm people, so Dumbledore telling him to stop being so guarded and actually talk to people feels off. He's already building a powerbase of dedicated purebloods, no? Unless this is earlier in his career but then the talk about "if even this is only a foundation" feels odd in that context, so either way it doesn't land.

In addition, the discussion jumps around, which is a more natural way of approaching dialogue, but even within a constraint of 500 words it still feels meandering. The topics shift from "being powerful" to "search for more powerful magics" to end at "please stop being an antisocial shit, Tom". Point A to point C feels natural but, even though point B is supposed to lead to point C, it feels like a sidetrack.

Final thought: if this is meant as a "Dumbledore accidentally caused the rise of Voldemort's powerbase" (which could be an interesting idea if done well) then I'd have expected a lot more focus on that.

#3:

Italics are \[i\]something\[\\i\], not *i*. That's markdown syntax and DLP uses BBcode. Might be an artifact of how you sent in your entry, though.

My critique of this is going to be rather short because there's not really a lot to say. I see what you were aiming for but I think you missed.

One of the ideas behind the prompt was distinguishing speakers by voice. In that sense, you failed - I can't point to a specific line and say, just from the word choices, how the sentence is paced, etc who's speaking. I can distinguish them only by the fact that one did something stupid and the other is haranguing them for it. They speak the same way, have the same faux-comedic tone (the "?!" are a classic signpost)...

There's technical issues here and there ("Could have been yeah. it... well, it glowed.") but they're not really as important as the fact that the humour didn't hit and there's no telling who's speaking. Bringing in a third speaker can only really be described as "hubris", I think.

#4:

This is my entry. Last time I was a little secretive about this but apparently I needn't bother so I won't.

I cheat here, though that makes it sound more intentional than it was. I first prime the reader to expect a female character with quite literally the first word, then set up that she's talking to a minister three sentences later. More of the same a few paragraphs later. Neither was strictly necessary. I could have done without them and probably should have, but they're the product of a quick late-night rewrite minutes before sending in the entry. Lambaste me for it if you want to. I really don't mind.

Anyway, conversation between Umbridge and Fudge here on the day that Harry returns with Cedric's dead body. Originally this was planned to talk more about how that old coot Dumbledore was behind this somehow, which in the end was reduced only to a single mention near the end due to word constraints. They'd have planned out the press campaign in more detail etc.

For the next bit I'm going to ask myself the usual questions that I have if reviewing someone else's work.

Do I think this is a conversation that really happened in canon? It could have, I think. Presumably it would have been rather more meandering and would take more convincing from Umbridge, though, but again - 500 words isn't a lot. Writing less and keeping it tight and good is always harder than just blasting your wordcount up into the stratosphere.

Could this lead to a fanfic? Sure. If Umbridge tries something different than the Dementors - a pair of Aurors, maybe, sent to get Harry to bring him to talk to the Minister. That could be a really interesting start to a fic that goes more into the political end and from there leads into more Indy!Harry territory in fifth year. Equally it could lead to something like the first chapter(s) of Silens' Renegade Cause as Harry has to escape Little Whinging.

Did I manage to hit the voices? Honestly, I think it's a passable attempt but not anything more than that. Fudge doesn't quite have a distinctive voice, so I'm hoping I can be forgiven on that end by giving him something more generic, but Umbridge has a very distinctive voice and presence within the books. She has a few vocal tics that I'm relying on pretty heavily here, like the hem hem. I suppose it'll be up to the reader to decide if it's overuse or just enough, but I think it might be too much.

#5:

A little oneshot conversation between Ron and someone else. My first thought was Hermione. It could be Harry but I don't think (canonesque) Harry would "hmph" in his dialogue, while Hermione absolutely would.

Which is to say, I think you've done a decent job with Ron's voice but the other speaker's a little more hazy. If this is Hermione you have her talk a little more formally and have her think in more logical terms, but you kind of stumble with her emphasizing things (the italics of always wishing hard enough) and also her saying "pulling my leg". That expression struck me as not quite something that Hermione would say, so I was thinking Harry - but then again Harry probably wouldn't say "Is there any logic behind this", I feel like.

I'm not quite sure what else to say here. The idea of birthday cake candles being charmed feels natural and it's a cute little elaboration on wizarding customs, but maybe more could have been done with what the wish actually is that's being requested to come true? I dunno. The final "told you" feels a little unearned when as far as we know no wishes have come true yet unless I'm a woolhead who missed an implication somewhere.

 

Entry 1: I think It's obvious to anyone who spent time on the discord that this entry is mine, time loops occupy around 40% of my daily thoughts. So it's hard for me to judge it, I will valiantly try nonetheless.
I think Harry's voice isn't quite there yet, he's a bit shy and should be more proactive in the conversation.
As BTT mentioned already; there should have been further inquiries on the "someone dies" detail, that one is my bad, it was from an earlier heavier draft and now it feels like a mismatch in tones.
I think I captured Dumbledore's whimsy well. You'll all thank me for removing the reference to his twinkling eyes.
I don't want to toot my own horn so I'll stop there.

Entry 2: It's well-written technically, and an interesting conversation. My guess was immediately Dumbledore and Riddle because Dumbledore's lines are quite harsh and he's pulling the mentor act. But I only guessed that based on Dumble's lines, if it is indeed Riddle, then you haven't done a good enough job of conveying his arrogance, nor his (by now very existing) hatred of Dumbledore.


Entry 3: It's just not very funny, and it is aiming to be funny so obviously that's not great or even good. I like the idea that Harry became a prophecy magnet and they now have protocols/plans to go into the DoM to hear/smash them.
But I wrote it so I'm biased. I've ran it by a friend and he said that it cheapens the OG prophecy and is not funny enough to warrant that.

Entry 4: You've laid it on thick vis-a-vis character voices, hem hem is like Umbridge's pokemon sound.
Fudge in canon doesn't have many lines but he had a a sense of awkwardness and a tendency to overshare details. You could have hit that better here, especially with his last line.
It's interesting how you portrayed their dynamics. Umbridge as the one pulling the strings and prodding Fudge is fun to read.
It's also 380 words, so you could have padded it out.

Entry 5: It's a really cute conversation.
Ron as the one explaining wizarding customs to Hermione or Harry is an underutilized trope, both in fanfiction and in canon.
The entry/Ron's explanation repeats itself a bit. All the more noticeable because of the short word count.
Example: Did Hermione need to ask

when Ron just went over it. Even if incredulity was the goal it's a bit much.
Instead, you could have gone over how this tradition differs in other wizarding communities, or maybe the history of how it started or why was this charm created in the first place. Maybe Hermione asks why they can't just relight the candles etc etc
Not necessarily those ideas, but just another branching path of dialogue to make the conversation feel more realistic while keeping the whimsical vibe.
To end on a positive,

is INSPIRED, just pure Ron and HP in general.

 

1) It's very clear who's speaking even if you didn't mentioned it. I like the punchline. What I wish there's more of, and I'm saying this having no idea if this is appropriate comment for this sort of thing, is understanding just what sort of loops these were from the diferrence in HArry's tone that simply doesn't exist. It just reads Harryly. Harryesque.

I think these parts have Dumbledore saying too much, and losing a bit of his suave. Too much concrete details, I guess.

2) This was me, prompted by that Voldemort line, ah, an old argument, which tells me they must have discussed these things somewhere in the past and I tried to put it to words.

I thought it was too question-y, that I wasn't able to keep their disdain from their voices as much as I wanted to, that it was too without a specific point, but funnily enough you see different issues, some of which now I can see as well. It's how it gets in reviews time, anyway.

If there's anything to say in my defence, it's that I found it hard to write a piece of dialogue just hanging in the air, out there, with no connection to the larger frame, and that I had to cut it down quite heavily to make it sub 500 words, but those are excuses.

I still like it somewhat.

3) This is cool. Tag along in form of Weasley twins? Short and fun, and snippy, and if the other guy speaking is Harry I'm honestly just guessing, I can't really tell, so the prompt is a bit missed, but outside of what I was supposed to be saying, I like this.

This breaks the flow, however, the problem isn't him saying that, the problem is the framing of it. We understand it's a serious situation, and I feel this is a writer's mistake and not the character's, if that makes sense. Just doesn't belong in there framed like this, imo.

4) Hem, hem, feels like a cheating, though I had an inkling before that point who we are listening to.

I like this bit because I've never even imagined these two having a word, so this entry is more braver in that regards.

I know we have a lot of canon evidence of Fudge being a bumbling mess, but it's never with other high ranking ministry officials, and it strikes me off, I think, I mean, he's still politician, no matter how incompetent.

Both voices are imo correct, canon like, but what's funny is that I don't somehow think that they're appropriate when close to each other.

I guess I'd expect two fake voices but now that's a challenge to write.

5) Lovely magic, lovely HP bit. Voices are recognizeable and on point, but I'm not sure at what age we are looking at, because one half of it says prolongued familiarity that would make them ten years older, and the other part says closer to end of canon. I can't really pinpoint it but I'm leaning towards more mature age? Idk, still a lovely bit of magic(?).

Maybe because of this line. Not even sure we're on the same page when it comes to meaning or the lack thereof.

//
Generally this was a nice practice and good fun, but honestly I think I see a lot of inexperience with such stuff both from me and the others. It's like the half of focus is not on the emphasized characters' voices but on the story that might have been, or the rounding of it. Now, having read all of these, I think I'd like much less of a context and much more of a bravery in picking them voices.

Good show, everyone.

 

I would like to say, for a record, that I did a pure dialogue entry before it became fashionable, and indeed, won a star with it. I am deeply insulted that it was not linked at the beggining as a good, nay great, example of this format, instead of the rando story about meat people.

Niez will remember this.

Anyhoo:

Spoiler: Entry One

Lol, I like this entry. No notes.

Spoiler: Entry Two

Unfortunately, I believe this one fails to achieve the intended purpose of this competition, as I haven't the foggiest of who is speaking here.

Spoiler: Entry Three

I also like this one. Strong in its intended purpose, although the line of who's speaking becomes a bit blurred at times. Part of it is having a threeway conversation with no dialogue tags, the other is not using the tools available to you. Hermione says 'honestly' a lot in Canon. Ron says 'blimey', Harry is very grumpy in Book 5 the lad, etc. etc. Throw those character signifiers in there so we instantly know whos speaking, instead of using context, which may or may not be missed, or a back-and-forth, which doesn't really work, because, as stated, in a threeway conversation there is no back and forth, or at least not one we can easily follow.

Spoiler: Entry Four

Hmmm. It is unfortunate that I spotted a slight issue with this entry which made it very hard for me to focus on anything other than the issue itself.

Now I'll try to be brief and cut to the chase:

“Hem, hem” is an onomatopeia. It is not slang, it is not a manner of speech. It is most definitely not Umbridge's catchphrase. It is the sound Umbridge makes when she coughs.

Don't believe me? Don't care. I got receipts:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – page 269

With that in mind let's look at your snippet, only we shall substitute "Hem, hem", with the absolutely equivalent 'Umbridge coughed.'

Entry 4

Like, I'm sorry but it is genuinely impossible to look past this. At my most charitable I can only interpret Umbridge has a massive flu or a sore throat, and neither character is bringing it up for some reason. And at my least charitable, well, see the above.

Spoiler: Entry Five

It has its charm although the character voices could be stronger. Not sure what else to say.