Title: A Name in the Ashes
Author: Pensieve Pundit
Rating: T
Status: Work in Progress
Pairing: None
Genre: Drama, Adventure
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14486696/1/A-Name-in-the-Ashes

Summary:
What if Voldemort attacked both Harry and Neville that Halloween night? The world crowns Neville the Boy Who Lived, while Harry is presumed dead. But in a quiet Muggle orphanage, a boy with strange powers grows up unseen. And somewhere outside, a fugitive godfather plots an impossible rescue, risking prison, death and worse; to give Harry a name, a future. And a home…

This story is a different take on the Wrong Boy Who Lived trope, told with a focus on emotional realism, character depth, and narrative development. Rather than relying on character bashing, the story explores differing perspectives and opinions; people may see each other in imperfect or conflicting lights, but no one is vilified just for the sake of it

This first book acts as a prologue, spanning from Halloween 1981 to the autumn just after Harry's tenth birthday. It primarily follows Sirius Black’s point of view as he navigates grief, guilt, and redemption in a hidden corner of the world. From the next book onwards, Harry will take centre stage, and his perspective will become the heart of the story.

Though not a crack fic, the series will carry a thread of humour, especially from character interactions and dynamics.

This is the first of a seven-part series.

 

I guess you're the author? Since it's only 14k words long at the moment, I'll wait for more before checking it out. You might want to consider posting this in the work by author section instead.

 

Yes, I’m the author. Thanks for checking in! The story’s now up to around 30k words, almost halfway, and I’ll be updating regularly. The full fic should be complete by next week, so if you’re waiting for the entire thing, you won’t have to wait long.

I’d thought the Review Board was the right place for sharing new work, but I really appreciate the heads-up! I’ll keep the Work by Author section in mind. Thanks again!

 

Really enjoying this so far. The writing is fantastic and just sucks you in. The scene with Dumbledore and the kids in costume hooked me right away. Eagerly looking forward to more.

 

Thank you so much, truly appreciate the kind words!

That scene with Dumbledore and the kids was one of the earliest I imagined when the idea for this fic started bubbling. I liked the contrast of him, this towering mythic figure, being gently out of place but still deeply human, surrounded by kids who think he’s just some quirky old man with odd socks. It set the tone for the kind of story I wanted to tell, equal parts heart, humour, and weight.

Also, thanks a ton for the review, it really means a lot. I’m so glad the story’s resonating, and I hope the upcoming chapters continue to deliver!

 

A few thoughtful readers on FFN pointed out something I’d overlooked: by 1981, most Muggle orphanages in the UK had been phased out in favour of foster care. They’re absolutely right, and I appreciate them taking the time to say so.

When I first outlined this story, I’d noted that historical detail, but coming back to it years later, I went with theme over accuracy. So yes, Harry is raised in an orphanage in this fic, not to mirror Riddle’s childhood or lean into gothic tropes, but as a way to explore quiet resilience, loneliness, and what it means to be offered a choice.

St. Jude’s is meant to feel ordinary, not cruel, a narrative foil to ask: what if two boys with similar beginnings had different hands extended to them?

And honestly, if the wizarding world can run on quills and parchment in the ‘90s, perhaps the Muggle side was just a little delayed too, Ministry inefficiency is clearly contagious.

I'm new to this forum and couldn’t find the edit button on my original post, so posting this as a follow-up. Around 47k of the planned 68k words are already up, and I’d really appreciate any feedback or advice on how to improve, whether it’s character, pacing, tone, or anything else.

If I’ve unknowingly broken a rule by posting this, I hope I won’t be sent to magical detention, unless it comes with biscuits.

 

If you’re already finished with writing it & are just looking for final ratings/reviews & possible inclusion in our Library list then you’ve probably put it in the right place. Our discord has been sapping activity from the main forum lol so replies will be a bit slow in coming in.

Work by Author is typically(but not always) used for WIP stories or to get more specific and direct helpful feedback, like story structure, grammar issues, etc.

It’s nice to see a new face (& story), I’ll give this a read and drop my review with any comments or thoughts once I’ve finished it.

 

The quality is there, some scenes go on a bit. There's a narrative issue of being unsure what the plot is which adds to making things feel like they're running on while we wait for something to happen.

 

I think it's still early, even after the latest chapters. I think what strikes me the most is that the substance is missing a little. I've noticed it can be very common in fanfiction to dramatize scenes with very self-indulgent prose. While imagery and descriptiveness and yada yada are great in balance, what's happened so far

Spoiler

is the attacks happened a little differently, and Harry is growing up in an orphanage and meeting Sirius.

Great, a good start and I'm intrigued. On the other hand, for every plot beat we get, we also get paragraphs of repetitive descriptions and dramatization. It also comes with a lot of "telling." Here's an example of what I mean.

Spoiler

Outside, across the narrow lane from Number Seventeen, a short, plump man crouched low in the cover of a dense, untrimmed hedge, barely distinguishable from the shadows around him. He shifted nervously, the hem of his cloak damp with dew, breath curling white in the cold air.

Peter Pettigrew had always known how to disappear; not with the elegance of a skilled wizard, but with the instinct of something small and cornered. His pale, round face was pinched with cold and fear, eyes darting with a twitchy, rodent-like alertness. A weak chin disappeared into a scarf that had seen better winters, and his fingers fidgeted ceaselessly around the handle of his wand as though it might vanish if not clutched tight.

He had a way of folding into himself, as if trying to shrink from the world's gaze, to not be noticed, and more importantly, not be remembered.

But tonight, all that furtive energy was fixed on a single point: the quiet, glowing windows of the cottage across the road.

Dumbledore. Damn it.

He hadn't expected the old man to show. Tonight, of all nights.

Peter swallowed hard. He had to alert the Dark Lord now. He had to move.

He slinked back through the hedges, his breath shallow and ears straining for any sign of being spotted. The Dark Lord needs to know that Dumbledore is here, he thought, heart pounding like a trapped beetle in his chest.

He vanished into the mist.

I feel as if this could easily have been shortened into even a sentence. I don't deny the imagery is well-done, but it loses a lot of power when every scene/action is written so dramatically. I remember there was a single spell that merited an entire paragraph of descriptor.

 

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the thoughtful message. I really appreciate you taking the time to drop by and say this.

The story is indeed almost done. This part of the arc will be fully wrapped up by the 13th of July at the latest. Once it's complete, I would absolutely love to hear people’s thoughts and feedback, and I’d be honoured for the story to even be considered for inclusion in the Library, provided it can hold its own and pass muster.

Thank you again for the encouragement. The DLP community has such a strong reputation for valuing quality storytelling, and I’m genuinely overjoyed that someone from that space has taken the time to say this. I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts once you’ve had the chance to read.

Thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

You’re absolutely right that some scenes stretch a little long. I’ve tried to be deliberate with pacing and emotional depth, especially early on, but I understand that it may sometimes feel like things are meandering. Since this is a character-driven story, I’ve spent time diving deep into the setup so readers can fully understand where each character is coming from and what drives them. The penultimate draft was much shorter, but it felt more like a summary of canon. I wanted to reintroduce the characters properly, so that even someone unfamiliar with the original series (highly unlikely, I know) could follow along and connect with them.

Still, I genuinely value the critique. It is helping me see what’s working and where I can tighten things going forward. Thank you again for taking the time to read and reflect. It means a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to read and share such detailed feedback. I truly appreciate the honesty and your perspective.

That said, I respectfully see it a bit differently. I understand your point about length and stylisation, and I agree that prose should serve the story. But for me, scenes like the one you quoted are meant to do more than just move the plot forward.

Spoiler

Peter Pettigrew was hiding in the bushes opposite the cottage. When he saw Dumbledore, fear gripped him and he ran to warn his master.

That version certainly gets the plot across. My aim here isn’t just to tick off plot beats. It’s to live inside those moments, to show not just what’s happening, but what it feels like to the characters involved. He isn’t just a plot device moving across a chessboard - he’s a man shaped by fear, cowardice, and desperation. That scene is trying to immerse the reader in his fear, his twitchiness, to make you feel what he feels. The prose slows down intentionally there, not because the plot demands it, but because the character does.

It may sound selfish why I wrote it the way I did. As I’ve said earlier, the penultimate draft of this story was actually much shorter. I thought it was fine. But when I handed it to my partner to read, someone who knows the basics of Harry Potter but hasn’t gone deep into the lore (her excuse is she's seen the films once), she kept pausing to ask, Who is this? Why does he matter? Why is he like this? And I realised then that if a reader who isn’t already deeply familiar with canon were to pick this up (however unlikely that might be in fanfiction), I need to ground the characters. Show who they are, what they look like, what drives them. Let them be more than names on a page.

That same approach runs through much of this first arc. It’s deliberately character-driven, which slows the pace, yes, but it’s also laying the foundation for what’s coming. There is a larger narrative arc in motion, and it’s building toward something I hope feels earned once it lands.

Still, I take your point about balance. I’ll continue trying to tighten the writing where possible and keep emotional depth without slipping into indulgence.

Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts. I genuinely appreciate readers who care enough to share what worked for them and what didn’t.

 

This is probably the best HP fanfic that is being frequently updated along with Shadow of the Rainbow. Great job and please keep going.​