Ok, chapter 20 is up officially:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2869936/20/

I didn't really change anything from the draft, aside from a couple of extra lines at the World Cup. As always, all comments welcome.

-the Jack

 

Good chapter, not the best and didnt really pick up till the end, but nothings wrong with it. My only comment really is that i wish harry would fight the DE's at the end, while it may not be practical i still wish he would.

 

Blaise should have been invited to the party.

Also, I'd LOVE to see some Ginny in here. I generally hate her, but I'd love to see how she develops sans Harry. I imagine close to how she is in OotP considering they were i9gnoring each other at the time, but...


All said, love Daphne. Not perfect (you could even make her struggle more), but good enough, and believable

Having said all that, (All of which was an excuse for me to ulitmately say...) UPDATE SOON!!!

 

While I like that you took time away from plot development for more character development, I do wish you could have found an excuse for Harry to fight DEs at the end of the chapter. Yes I know that this Harry would make sure that the girls where alright rather than fight for the muggles, but maby you could have had one of the girls wander off before the fighting, and have Harry go look for her or something. Also he could have gone back after he saw the girls home. From the start of the story you have made it clear that Harry wants to help those who can't help themselves. And helping the muggles being attacked by death eaters would be part of that.

 

I liked the latest chapter, overall well done I esspecially like Jack's drunken conversation. I seemed kind of overly convenient but it ended up working and it will be interestig to see how he plays into the Daphne saga. I'm anxious to see what you'll do with the referances to Harry hooking up with a French girl, it will be interesting to see if those lines turn into aything.

 

The draft of chapter 21 is up in the Work by Author section.

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=3828

It's a beast at over 15k words, but it covers quite a bit of ground. As always, all comments appreciated.

-the Jack

 

Chapter 21 is up officially:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2869936/21/

It's a long one, at over 16k words, and it covers quite a bit of ground.

Thanks again to everyone who commented on the draft, especially ip82, who pointed out a couple of holes that needed fixing.

As always, all comments welcome.

-the Jack

 

Great chapter as always. One thing that has me miffed is how Harry completely took a break away from any training over the summer. Yes he was practicing the wards, but after how the battle at the end of third year went down I would think that Harry would want to take the time to practice some more, even if he does feel more safe with his situation than he has been previously. I know he wanted to keep Sirius in the dark mostly about his skills, but Harry is resourceful and I think you should have given him some time to train. I hope Harry will be using the room of requirements for this purpose in the future.
I hope Harry uncovers Daphne soon, the longer she's around him the longer she has to discover some of his secrets. I like the interactions between Daphne, Blaise, and Tracey though. I also like that you had Dumbledore appoint Sirius as a professor, is that to be taken purely at face value or does Dumbledore have ulterior motives for this.
Interesting twist with Karkaroff, he was more of a red herring in the book, now I guess you'll have him a bit more integral in the plot. Though I doubt Harry would go for it, after Blaise's warning about Karkaroff's ex-Death Eater status, I don't think Harry would even listen to anything he had to say, much less ask to be taught the Dark Arts.
Good call on the changes between the rough draft and the final draft. That anyone could be entered into the contest against their will has always been a bit daft, although the confunduss charm could explain it.
I think you may want to reconsider having Harry throw the tournament. Unless he did it openly and obviously, it would have many students thinking less of his abilities. And while Harry wants to downplay his abilities to a great extent, the main reason why life at Hogwarts calmed down for him is because his enemies now fear him, and he should keep them intimidated to avoid any of them from gaining confidence in their abilities to mess with him.

 

Best active fic on DLP right now, IMO.

 

Chapter 22 is up:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2869936/22/

Plot wise, there's not too much going on in this chapter. There's some insight into the characters of Fleur and Karkaroff, and Harry finds out the real rules behind the Triwizard tournament. Overall it's becoming more and more clear that Harry is softening up a bit and interacting much more friendly with those around him. I know it feels like he's going soft, and that things are getting a little too fluffy for some tastes, but I think it's more realistic this way. It also gives you a taste of the way Harry is feeling, which I hope will help people identify with him when the shit hits the fan.

As always, all comments welcome.

-the Jack

 

Excellent. Only found a couple writing errors, nothing major. I'm dying to get to the next chapter, which im assuming will hold the first task.

 

great chapter.. i cant wait for the next chapter.. keep it up!

 

I liked the idea of no one involved in setting up this tournament actually having a clue about the original rules of the thing. That is a much better explanation than 'just because'.

Also making Karkaroff a little deeper than a cookie cutter Death Eater wannabe is a good move. After all, he is the Headmaster for a reason, and it looks like we may just find out what that reason is.

 

After reading the part this a stupid little thought came to mind about the first task of Harry walking out into the stadium area going to the wall sitting down while leaning against the wall looking and the dragon and saying,

"I'm going to take a nap here and wait for all these people to leave."

 

Very nice chapter, especially with your portrayal of Karkoff. He doesn't come off as Dark, just very determined. That said, how the heck did he find out about what the school board did? Dumbledore certainly wouldn't have given him the info, and after his "betrayal", he certainly wouldn't be in contact with Lucius; I can't see snape approaching him in the least bit, perhaps you can show his bulling side extracting needed information?
Ah, well, I can't wait to see what else you do with Fleur. Personally, I would love it if you completely screwed over Daphne's plans to get close to Harry by having Fleur ask him to the Ball... hehe, she would probably have to skin some poor Hufflepuff in order to aleviate her anger.
Please, I love what you have done so far away from canon, so keep up the good work with how you approach the first task. Having Harry mock being in the tournament is a great oppurtunity to do this; maybe, if you do have dragons, just have him sit and talk with the dragon he gets, telling off color jokes in Parseltongue while sitting on a lawn chair sipping butterbeer. I can't wait; keep up the good work!

 

Well, instead of taking the broom and out flying the dragon Harry could just accio the egg... or is there a rule against it?
He can use his wand, so there should be no problem with that; only with the angry dragon when he's got the egg but when the egg is in his hand the first task is over...

 

Obviously there's an anti-summoning charm/ward. It's be retarded if it was that easy.

 

Err... I think it's pretty obvious he'll just screw around and intentionally flunk the tasks.

 

Probably the first one, I'd imagine. When the second rolls around and Row (most likely, or perhaps Jack, but IMO almost certainly Row) gets taken under the lake, I envision him getting serious about things really fast, and then unleashing Hell on Dumbledore and everyone else involved with the tournament once it's over for putting his hostage at risk. I can see him being semi-serious about the Third Task in order to watch Cedric's back, if nothing else.

 

Yup. First task he can get 0 (ZERO!) points, and still do okay.

I agree with LT about the second, but DISAGREE about the third.

Cedric's a big boy, and he ENTERED. He knew what he was getting into.

And Jack, overall, you handled Harry entering the tournament pretty poorly. Don't get me wrong its a great story, but we all KNEW he was going to participate. This whole build-up you made had NO payoff for a result we could have gotten when Albus says, "You HAVE to participate."

Harry: "But that's crazy."
Albus reveals everything you spent two chapters building.
Harry: "Then I'm going to throw the matches." Done.

Don't get me wrong. The story ROCKS. But that could have been handled better.

P.S. I see LT's decided to join me in your closet. Its gonna be a tight fit in here, LT, but I think we can manage.