2024 Bitesize Competition - Week 7

Lindsey · Oct 28, 2024

Welcome to the 2024 Bitesize Competition - Week 7

Topic(s): Write the opening paragraph (or a couple paragraphs, up to 250 words) to a story

Why does a good opening paragraph matter?

You have only a few words to capture a readers attention. You need your opening paragraph to draw the reader into the story. It's a critical part of writing, especially in a short story format. This bitesize competition will help give you advice on how to write and improve your opening scene.

Examples

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense."

"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed."

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita."

"In the beginning the universe was created. This has made many people very angry and had been widely regarded as a bad move."

"The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault."

Word count: Under 250 words

Bitesize writing competitions will differ from our typical writing competitions. When we do bitesize writing competitions, each small prompt will have around five days for everyone to write a scene (or even just a sentence). During the weekend, we will compare and review each others entries. None of these prompts should take more than 750 words to write. If you have no interest in even wanting to write, don't vote.

Deadline: Saturday, November 2nd at 11:59pm (23:59) PST

Send your scenes/sentences to @Lindsey once you're done. You can have up to TWO entries. On the day they are due, I will post all the entries in a single post. During the weekend, we can discuss each others entries and how to improve them.

Voting Rules
We will not have official voting like normal competitions. Instead we will have a discussion on how to improve the scenes. If you wish, you can pick your favorite entry.

Got an idea for a future prompt? Put it in this thread!

Lindsey · Nov 3, 2024 at 6:53 PM

Entry One
"Albus," the querulous voice asked, "are you certain you wish to take this path?"

"This is the only path left to me, Armando,” Albus said. “I am still owed, and the knight is needed.”

"Then act, Albus. And may the scales come to balance.”

Albus drew the curtains with his withered hand, taking in Hogwarts’ snowy grounds once more.

They were so beautiful.

He wished that he could have more time to enjoy them.

Albus turned back to the desk, clearing his mind and calming his emotions once more, allowing not a stray thought to mar his concentration.

Across the desk from him was an entirely unremarkable soft armchair, as had been for decades.

Except that an hour previously he had laid down a circle around the chair, of copper and salt and iron, lined with carefully wrought runes and beeswax candles and incense.

"Mab," he said, his voice ringing like a bell, "Queen of Air and Darkness, I summon thee. Mab, Ruler of Winter, I summon thee. Mab, Monarch of the Unseelie Fae, I summon thee.”

Entry Two
Hammer.

Syrus’ skill flared to life, and he listened. Upon the anvil, steel of a brilliant white hummed a melody only he could hear. He swung, and blow after shaping blow fell upon it. The sound grew clearer in the making, sharper. The rhythmic beat promised death and deeds to come.

It was a song of his trials.

Beads of sweat trailed down his face as the heat of the forge imposed itself upon him, curling and warping the edges of his vision and raking its brittle tongue across his skin. His hands, calloused from the hard labor of an apprentice, kept steady. He ignored the heat and the sweat and the pain. At that moment, there was only the self and the sword.

The final strike came, and before it even landed, he knew.

It was a song of his tragedy.

Entry Three
The air was thick and clammy as Hermione stepped over roots, their twisted shapes reaching out from the murky ground like skeletal fingers. She glanced at Ron, catching the same look of confusion etched on his face that she felt, both of them questioning why they were there. Harry had been so insistent about this place, so certain they had to come, and so convincing in his arguments, but that was then and now they were deep in a dilapidated ruin in the middle of the forbidden forest.

As they navigated the maze of broken stone and creeping vines, Hermione kept a wary eye on Harry. He ducked under a low-hanging vine without breaking stride. A flash of blue darted from the shadows—an overeager Cornish Pixie—but before it could get within an arm’s reach, Harry sidestepped and stunned it, his wand aimed lazily as he kept his eyes on Ron. He stepped over a moss-slicked stone that Hermione herself had nearly tripped on. All the while, he kept dodging Ron's questions.

She subtly unsheathed her wand, Harry was resistant to the imperius but there were many ways to control someone.

Just as she was about to interrogate him, his boot caught on a loose stone, and he stumbled, muttering, “Oh man.” under his breath.

Before Hermione could let out a sigh of relief, a chill swept over her.

Harry had taken out his wand, motes of green at the tip, aiming it at his temple: before she could do anything but scream, he whispered out, "Avada Kedavra."

Entry Four
Harry stumbled from the house, leaving one of the Death Eaters sprawled on the floor.

He sprinted down the narrow cobblestone road, turning sharply down a side street to avoid the spellfire behind him. A hand caught him by the shoulder, and Harry elbowed them hard in the face. They were all yelling; some cries of pain and others in anger.

Harry found the way ahead clear and sprinted onwards.

The cobbles pressed into his soles as he flew down the steep passageway. His boots slipped and slid across the slick stones as he darted around another corner and further away from the manor. His knee-length robe swished against his legs.

It was still dark outside, most of the light coming from the lanterns inside the wooden homes, barely illuminating the rocky path in front of him. His heart hammered in his chest, resonating with the pounding of his feet against the cobblestones. The cold air stung his lungs, but he couldn't afford to stop, not with the Death Eaters hot on his heels.

It was in this light dark shapes gathered.

Veering left, he slipped into a twisting alleyway; so small it could barely fit two people side by side, and pressed his body against a notch in the wall.

Footsteps and shouts echoed from the passageway behind him.

“He must be around here somewhere. Split up — comb all the exits. He cannot have gotten far. Merlin’s beard, he doesn’t even have a wand!”

Entry Five
Hermione Granger had been enjoying a perfectly lovely early morning trip to Diagon Alley until something belying description tore its way through reality with a violent scream that the human ear ought never to have heard.

Entry Six
Three eagles soared above all. The standards gleamed golden in the steady light of the lanterns, each marked on its base with different Roman numerals. The poles that indulged their flight were made of dark wood, with other ends streaked from being gripped. The aquilae that had inspired numerous legionnaires to glorious victory stood unmoved amidst the poignant silence.

Publius Quinctilius Varus was not as unflappable. He leapt to the sound of a cloth rustling. He was tanned, hair going grey with age, with sharp features that now twisted into a stern gaze. “What says the traitor?”

A short, fair, brown-haired man had let himself in. His voice broke as he proclaimed, “The traitor Arminius has agreed to the duel!”

“We cannot trust him,” spoke up the prefect. He was a burly man with a stoic air around him. He had tamed his curly hair into neat rows and had a deep rumbling voice.

Varus sighed despodently. “There is no choice, Caeonius. The imperator has ordered our return with the package.”

His voice took on a desperate note. “Rome will revile me for what I have done and will do. My place is with the men, this predicament notwithstanding, but the package must go through. You must be my second for the duel.”

“As the imperator wills and the general orders,” acquiesced Caeonius. He drew a short stubby wand of oak from his side.

Varus visibly hesitated before brandishing a dark-coloured wand.

Entry Seven
Mr. Harry Potter, of number four, Privet Drive, was very proud to say that he was very skilled in magic, thank you very much. He knew at least thirty different card tricks, managed to take Aunt Petunia’s watch–even if she was often distracted–and when he and Uncle Gellert played a recall game, he managed to recall every small and big thing he noticed, going as far as six years old.

Entry Eight
A hazy blue dot grew fuzzier and sharper, larger and smaller, dimmer and brighter. It bloomed out suddenly to take up the entire pitch-black sky, shades of turqoise dancing with and recoiling from hues of azure.

“Bloody hell!” exclaimed the wizard, ripping the goggles off his head. His swearing went unheard even by him. Such was the nature of space. Specks of light glowed below at some incredible depth. A flying motorbike kept him from terra firma (Trivia firma, his mind quipped). A thin glossy layer covered the wizard’s entire body. He brushed his dark locks out of his face, a lightning shaped scar emerging on his forehead.

Harry Potter (for that was his name) stowed away his goggles. He eased the bike, directing at the wan dot that was the sun. It would have to do. He cast a final glance at the dusky planet below. Trivia had been an experience. The deep shafts, the wild nightclubs and a mousy-haired woman with incredible—

Harry shut down that line with a pang of guilt. It was time to meet up with Albus on Triton. Albus had been assigned to the Wizarding Initiative for Massive Planets straight out of Hogwarts. He felt immeasurably proud of his boy, for he had doubted WIMP’s ability to disappear Triton at the outset. The muggles were still in an uproar over their Planet IX (courtesy yours truly).

A profound sadness took him. He hadn’t been with his family for so long.

Too long.

Entry Nine
When he woke up there was a hand in his trousers, and it took him several rather dreamy seconds to realize it wasn't Hermione's at all. The hand was in his pocket, and it was not feeling him up as much as it was mapping out the objects he'd stashed there; his wand, his emergency bottle of Polyjuice potion and the top secret letter from Dumbledore. With a groan he opened his eyes, hands balled into fists at the ready when he became aware of the ropes cutting into his wrists. His eyes focused with some difficulty (what on earth had they drugged him with?) and then, finally, he recognized the man who was about to rob him. Only it was not someone who was supposed to be alive at all.

Entry Ten
It was a wonderful summer day, a rarity on British Isles; the sun was shining, the smell of sea was light and fresh, and when the waitress leaned over the to pour the tea, she proved for once and all that south of England wasn’t all flat. These small delights were all the more sweeter for the stark contrast to his usual joys – the pleasure of mystery solved, the invisibility that came with well executed tracking of suspect, and the sharp thrill of spell fight. Harry took a deep breath, a big gulp of tea, and felt very content – it didn’t come as a great surprise, therefore, when the house across the street exploded.

Entry Eleven
James Potter would never forget the first moment he held his son. But Harry would. There always seemed like something he wasn’t remembering lately. He was in the yard. Why was he thinking of his father? He furrowed his brow. Where was Ginny?

“Ginny?” His voice croaked out.

He jumped at the sound of it. That wasn’t his voice; it reminded him of Dumbledore.

“Dad? Where are you?” A voice rang out.

That was his voice.

Crocottas, a dog that could steal voices, there were dark wizards.

He shuffled as fast as he could, his legs felt so heavy.

Just ahead, he saw himself, and Ginny but too young.

“Dad, there you are,” the man smiled. “What are you doing out here?”

Harry mouthed, “Dad?”

Ginny touched the back of her hand to his head. “He’s awfully warm Albus.”

“Who are you people?” He asked, “Where is Ginny?”

She sighed, “You said you could do this. Why is he out here without any shoes on?”

“He’s fine, aren’t you Dad?”

“My feet hurt, and-” he paused “I can’t find my wand.”

“It’s okay Dad-”

“You can’t brush this off Albus, I can’t work if you can’t take care of him, I’m worried sick.”

“I can feel the worry radiating off of you, here we are a year later and you are just showing up.”

The door to the house slammed open and a voice called out, “Where’s dad!?”

Albus rolled his eyes, “Great, James is here.”

“Dad’s here?” Harry asked.

Entry Twelve
The scar hadn't pained Harry for ten years now. He'd gotten into the habit of touching it, thumb tracing the lightning bolt whenever he was deep in thought or didn't quite know what to do with his hands. It was nothing more than a tic, really: he rubbed at it the way other men he knew would've run their fingers through their beards or stroked their chins.

All was well. A week from now he'd attend another wedding, say a few words, drink a little. They'd ask how his life was, he'd answer with the usual talk (busy, you know how it is) and then he'd try to move on to another topic or to reminisce instead. He'd gotten pretty good at it by now, and he didn't get the occasional odd glance anymore when he let a little too much slip.

And then he'd go back to his apartment, and he wouldn't be able to sleep again despite having every reason to. He'd toss and turn and there'd always be something that didn't sit right, and the same thought would pop up again that he'd fled from a thousand times already:

Harry wished the scar would pain him again.

Entry Thirteen
Chicago was gone. Gone in a blast of banefire that took along most of the Midwest. And with it, most of the people I had ever cared for.

Everything changed that night. Not just for me, but the entirety of humanity. It marked the beginning of the end.

At first, the United States and Canada thought it had been a terrorist. The whole world was frozen at the idea that someone could detonate a nuclear bomb in the heart of Chicago. But as the evidence piled up and the world grew darker; the truth began to leak out bit by bit.

Perhaps it was the castle of ice that appeared in Chicago a few months after, and a Faerie Queen holding court outside the Nevernever.

Or the Red Court no longer hiding within their reservations and towns, but opening kidnapping and turning anyone they desired.

Or perhaps it was just the bad dreams that haunted everyone when they tried to sleep.

It all showed a fact that people had been trying for centuries to deny.

Magic was real.

The creatures of the dark were real.

Humanity was not at the top of the food chain.

Society fell quickly after that.

WierdFoodStuff · Nov 3, 2024 at 8:09 PM

So many entries, it's enough to make a grown man cry!

Entry 1: I mean it's got a proactive Dumbledore with only a year (or less) left and faes. What more can a man want? Maybe more complex sentences/use of paragraphs to really get into it, especially since you didn't go over your allotted word limit but hey it works well enough.

Entry 2: I'm not a huge fan of predestination/prescience. The latter half of the first Dune is a non-book as far as I'm concerned and so this would make me wary to read more but I'd give it a couple more chapters because the writing is pretty interesting and there's a nice rhythm to it all.

"blow after shaping blow fell upon it"

Presumably, your readers aren't idiots, and subjectively, blow after blow sounds much better.

Entry 3: I like the atmosphere but felt the characters could have been written better. "Oh man" should have been subbed for something funnier or wittier.

Entry 4: A classic Harry is in a precarious predicament and must escape.

Alas, there's not a lot here. A manor, captors, and the stranger who held him by the shoulder instead of something more aggressive*. Harry doesn't seem to have any feelings about the whole thing, he's just running away with no fear or excitement or anything, that isn't good.

The writing is decent but not amazing.

Would I read more? Sure, but my cursor would be hovering over the x button.

*=However, cool plot point with him not having a wand.

Entry 5: Do try to describe it even a bit. What worked for Lovecraft doesn't work where it's just one sentence and we don't even get to see Hermione's reaction. Too short and not punchy enough either.

Entry 6: This is awesome, I'd read more of this instantly.

Entry 7: What a fun opening sentence. Uncle Gellert and some sort of memory game. How foreboding/promising.

A homage to the Philosopher's Stone opening is always cute if non-original, multiple fics have done it by now.

Entry 8: Personally not into something this huge in scale, but it's interesting and would get you a lot of readers I think.

WIMP is a cute detail, (courtesy yours truly) is not cute.

Entry 9: Pretty funny and interesting start, would have been better if we got to know who exactly this robber is before ending the paragraph but it still works.

Entry 10: Simple, funny and I'd read more of it. I'll let Niez bore you about the em dash.

Entry 11: Man what a bummer of a start. It's not a great hook, which is the point of this prompt no? I'm not sure that I even like the idea of senile wizards, let alone a senile Harry. I wouldn't read more unless I was really bored or if the description promised me a cure and/or time travel of some kind.

Entry 12: Ouch another bummer, Harry peaked in HS in this one.

"Harry wished the scar would pain him again." is a good line, because you can take it in multiple directions, all that I wouldn't mind reading.

Entry 13: I don't have a lot to say, not a fan of the statue of secrecy breaking down and I'd only read more if Harry is the pov.

BTT · Nov 3, 2024 at 8:11 PM

A lot of entries. Not a lot to say, this time! Who knew I'd be capable of not just writing a lot and saying little, but also writing not a lot and still saying little?

Entry #1:

Two major flaws with this.

The sparse descriptions of everything. Just "Hogwarts' snowy grounds" is incredibly bare, and saying they were "so beautiful" isn't quite cutting it for me. What does Albus find so beautiful about these fields? Their stillness, the way the snow hides the usual sights under a white blanket? The ability of nature to transform itself into something previously unseen? The small but clear tracks of children playing in the snow? Show me what he finds beautiful and contrast it to the kind of winter Mab represents.

Second, your pacing is too even. Every sentence is a paragraph, making them feel disjointed. Connect them into coherent blocks of thought instead.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Entry #2:

This is your LitRPG take, Halt. I hope you're writing this because I'm looking forward to it. Only real quibble is that while I dig the repeated "It was a song of his...", I think it might be better formulated as "It sung of trials/tragedy"? I'd also continue the song metaphor throughout the second bigger paragraph, rather than switching to talking about how the forge's heat blasts at him.

Would I read this: Sure.

Entry #3:

Not quite sure what's going on here, which is good. Did Harry AK himself? Wack. In that sense, good opening. Caught me by surprise, that's for sure. You set up a bunch of questions and that's great, but also there's something about this that isn't quite hitting for me and I can't really put a word to it.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Entry #4:

Neat little action opening. Always a fan of those. You've got some odd word choices, though, like repeating "sprinting" when that's one of the easier words to thesaurize around. Same with the repetition of the cobblestone. Also not quite a fan of that ; thrown randomly in there.

Would I read this: Sure.

Entry #5:

So short that I can't really say anything of note here, except that I think it's usually "into" reality rather than "through"? Dunno. Hits a kind of weirdly casual vibe to a presumed eldritch abomination, and I honestly think that most eldritch abominations deserve a little more respect than they tend to get nowadays.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Entry #6:

Feels oddly unmagical, somehow. If the wands hadn't been there this might have been just general historical fantasy - just before the Battle of the Teutoberg Wood, I'm thinking? Neat if so. You set up a McGuffin (the package), a future scene (the duel) etc. It's a little belabored, the way you do it, but it'll do.

You get the historical nature of it across pretty well, although it's pretty funny that you have to deliberately call their numerals "Roman". Bit anachronistic, no?

Would I read this: Sure.

Entry #7:

Neat little bait-and-switch here, and you throw in the Uncle Gellert for a double one-two surprise. It functions perfectly well as an opening line and sets expectations that I'll hope the rest of the story follows.

Would I read this: Sure.

Entry #8:

A little too much of the parentheticals, I'm afraid. I'll allow the "(...)" once and only once, and even that has to be extremely well-placed. Any more than that and it's off to the X button on my browser.

Other than that, your use of "for" instead of "since" or something makes it read like something more archaic, there's no "sky" in space, etc. There's a sort of whimsy to the earlier parts of the piece that the last lines undercut, which makes the entire thing feel oddly wan. I don't think Harry would cheat on his wife either, but what do I know? Polygamy is apparently all the rage nowadays.

Would I read this: Sure.

Entry #9:

Should've been two paragraphs, at least. Not a fan of the sudden "Hermione feels up Harry" intrusion there, and instead of telling us that he sees someone who wasn't supposed to be alive - why not just show us? Build it up a little.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Entry #10:

Again: two (2) paragraphs. Maybe even three!

The long bit of "-" should really have been ".". You also have frequent issues with missing words: "the smell of sea", "over the to pour the tea", "that south of England", "the pleasure of mystery solved", "well executed tracking of suspect", "sharp thrill of spell fight".

"Spell fight", by the way? Absolute rubbish. Awful. Hate it.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Entry #11:

Harry's got dementia, I guess? I feel like you could've made this a lot more emotive than it is right now. Sell this to us as a time travel plot before the reader realizes what Harry can't, maybe, or sell this as Harry searching for dark wizards. There's so much more tragedy to be milked from this and you're only skimming off the top, which is the tragedy of being confused.

Also not sure that wizards wouldn't have something against dementia, but whatever.

Would I read this: Eh.

Entry #12:

My entry. Not going to say much about this beyond that I wanted to get another entry out that was meant to be less sadsacky but I guess it didn't materialize, as is the nature of such things.

Would I write this: Eh.

Entry #13:

I think you've got a problem here in that you keep hitting perfectly fine ending points and instead you continue to try and top those ending points with something, until finally you've built yourself a bridge to nowhere and you fall off it. The summation of how the world's gone to shit should be things revealed to us in the story itself, not in a quick one-off at the start. They'd hit far harder if they were revealed to us organically.

Also "bad dreams that haunted everyone" is an absolute whiff of a line.

Would I read this: Maybe.

Paradise · Nov 3, 2024 at 9:33 PM

Entry 1:
I mean, HP/DF is a classic for a reason. Even though DLP has moved beyond its angst and teenage rebellion phase I still love it. I would read more.

Entry 2:
Not HP but interesting. As far as LitRPGs go I've never been a fan of the crafting-orientated ones, they fixate just on gainz and not even on any action scenes. I'd read more though.

Entry 3:
Time-looping Harry Potter is awesome, ruins in the forbidden forest and pressganging children into your inevitable war crimes? Sign me up.

Entry 4:
Its some classic HP which is nice, I'm not sure whats going on, which isn't very catchy to me. IDK, I'd read to the end of the first chapter.

Entry 5:
There's not much here to judge, but tbh in base HP I've never been a fan of eldritch horror w/o some kind of big cross.

Entry 6:
Roman Wizards are pretty sick ngl but I'd probably enjoy it more as standalone fiction rather than having any connection to HP, I'd still read though.

Entry 7:
I always liked the idea that you could in theory practice magic by practicing deceptive skills, kinda like a Mr Miyagi approach to magical learning so this itches it. Would for sure read more, kinda reminds me of Harry Potter, Numerologist.

Entry 8:
Wizards, In SPACE! Yeah could be fun, feels like crossing wires a bit with Sci-Fi but I'd try it. Reminds me of that one fic where Harry is commander of a starship in the room of requirement.

Entry 9:
I think leading without mentioning the protagonist's name is a bold move but hey, its interesting and I'd read more.

Entry 10:
I mean this is a comical scene, kind of tropey with the talk of English weather, and has some of that Joe-reminiscent writing where Harry is a horn dog, so yeah I'd probably give it a shot.

Entry 11:
10/10 No notes, stunning, beautiful, tugs on the emotional heartstrings, and hits me personally on a deep level.

Entry 12:
I love this as a character piece about Harry. Who and what is he without Voldemort is something that should be explored more, I think it got rolled over in the epilogue just because he needed a happy ever after after all that happened, but I think he'd have more to learn about himself.

Entry 13:
I've never been a huge fan of modern society getting collapsed by the spread of magic, I probably wouldn't read more tbh. Does not really hook me at all, its just doom and gloom, where is the hope, the chance for mankind to rise from the ashes.

Niez · Nov 3, 2024 at 9:47 PM

Following BTT's approach, who I'm sure did not get the idea from me, I'm going to rate the following entries on a 0 - 5 'would I read on' scale, which is essentially the purpose of any opening, and briefly explain my reasons why.

Entry #1:

2/5. I'm a fan of crossovers, but Dumbledore is a poor protagonist for one imo. Also, the 'hook' is basically you announcing that this story is a HP/Dresden crossover, which I would have known already if this were a real fanfic and I were searching for it in the HarryPotterCrossovers section in fanfiction.net (hypothetically). Also the word 'querulous' draws attention to itself in the worst way possible.

Entry #2:

0/5. Not HP. Need I say more.

Entry #3:

5/5. Very sexy, although I would lean more on the fact that Hermione is suspicious of Harry not being himself. Harry necking himself is also a tad too abrupt. Without my insider knowledge it's more like a 4/5, but it's certainly intriguing either way.

Entry #4:

3.5/5. Classic action opening. It's a classic for a reason, but it's not particularly inspired. Harry should do something clever at least to escape, although without a wand I imagine that's a bit hard.

Entry #5:

2.5/5. Possible meme opening. 'Something belying description making noises the human ear ought never to have heard'? It's HP fanfiction, not HP Lovecraft, my dude.

Entry #6:

0/5. Not HP (again). I will look at your original openings if you ask nicely enough, but not on a fanfic forum competition thread. I mean come on, I'm not being unreasonable here.

Entry #7:

3.5/5. I like the misdirect right at the beginning, but there's not much to chew on there. An opening is more than just the first paragraph, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, cos I like quieter openings and I'm biased to what I like : )

Entry #8:

1/5. Tonal clash between the hitchhikery opening, and then the pithy 'it's been too long since Harry has been home' line at the end. As a reader I'm just not sure what type of story I would be getting into, even if I were interested in a 'Harry in space story', which I'm not tbh (science fiction and fantasy don't mesh well together, prove me wrong). Also, it tries a bit too hard to be amusing, and the result is a little bit disjointed. At least drop the parentheses.

Entry #9:

0/5. Amusing, but tries to do too many things in a single paragraph. If you want to intrigue us about this captor of his being someone who's supposed to be dead, you can't begin your story with Harry daydreaming about Hermione putting her hand down his pants. I mean I don't think I have to clarify this, but just in case this isn't a meme entry, I will.

Entry #10:

0/5. Ok, so I'm almost sure this is also a meme entry, potentially from the same person who submitted 9. In of itself it's a 5/5 but as an opening of the story it doesn't quite work, as I'm sure you understand.

Entry #11:

1/5. Not a bad idea, if I understand it correctly, but the confusing nature of the whole thing (took me a second read to understand what you were going for), as well as the lack of technical proficiency when it comes to action beats, would lead me into most likely not reading on, I'm sorry to say. Yes, I am a grammar nazi, but it's so easy to keep me happy. Just punctuate things correctly : )

Entry #12:

5/5. Banger.

Entry #13:

0/5. Not HP and besides I never could get into Dresden.

Halt · Nov 3, 2024 at 9:48 PM

Entry #1:

Over-paragraphed and under-described.

How far would I read: CH 1

Entry #2:

This story is absolutely perfect with zero flaws, 5/5. Anyone who says otherwise is a hater fr.

How far would I read: Definitely all of it. Twice.

Entry #3:

This is a cool idea. Gives any% speedrun vibes. That 0.5 second time save is gonna be important, trust. Some of the wording felt off (forbidden forest is lower case, Cornish Pixie is capitalized, He stepped over a moss-slicked stone that Hermione herself had nearly tripped on.)

How far would I read: All of it, probably

Entry #4:

Over-paragraphed again. Also it feels less like an opening scene and more like something I'd find in the middle of a story. It seems to be relying a lot on the action-y nature of the scene to be the hook, but I'm not quite sure it works here. There's often an element of "hey look at this cool thing" or "I wonder what that's about" in good openings for me, and that feels thin here (only question that comes to mind is "why are they chasing Harry")

How far would I read: CH 1

Entry #5:

There's just not enough here? Some lovecraftian shenanigans sure, but it seems more like a reddit prompt than an opening.

How far would I read: The next paragraph. Maybe 2

Entry #6:

Magical romans is a cool concept. It sets up things nicely, though I think it lacks that "punch". A line that truly brings it all together.

How far would I read: CH 3

Entry #7:

Classic little switch-up. There's not nothing there (Uncle Grindelwald), but the conceit feels a bit lacking unless its humor.

How far would I read: CH 2

Entry #8:

I really did not like this one. There's a lot of things that just feel off to me - Harry cheating on his wife, but also misses his family at the same time. The weary Harry vibes is so meh (you are space-apparating or what have you to bang space-Hermione). For a story that is selling itself with its "awe", you do want to make sure the character is reacting appropriately to the cool things.

Space wizards are cool, but good characters are cooler.

How far would I read: CH 1

Entry #9:

Sorta funny, last line should have been a separate paragraph. Don't really know where its going with it.

How far would I read: CH 1

Entry #10:

Should've maybe been 2 paragraphs, last line its own thing. The waitress line got a genuine laugh from me and I would read just for that kind of humor. So good job, you sold it.

How far would I read: All of it

Entry #11:

Dementia!Harry

Nope.

How far would I read: None of it.

Entry #12:

I really like how this one flowed. "Harry wished the scar would pain him again." is a good line to end on and opens up a lot of possibilities. I don't love the "peaked in HS" vibe, but I'm willing to tolerate it for the potential of things getting better.

How far would I read: CH 3

Entry #13:

Man what is with all these over-paragraphed entries. Any one of the last 7? paragraphs could've been the ending point, but it just kept going on and on and on. I don't really like society breaking down because magic, oh no, but it's not a deal breaker. How things fell apart though - that feels more like something the story went into detail on as the interesting bit.

How far would I read: CH 1

BolshevikMuppet99 · Nov 3, 2024 at 10:27 PM

One:
Should have been longer and more descriptive. Everything in this entry could have had more to it, particularly since the punch and main draw is only at the very end. Querulous is a perfectly cromulent word.
In retrospect, I could have kept in the bit where the portraits argue and mention Albus’ upcoming death which leads to his wanting to look at Hogwarts, his home, again.
Would write.

Two:
Beautiful writing and good hook. Give more.
Would read.

Three:
Guessing Harry figured out he's a horcrux or xover with smile?
I'd prefer something stronger than “oh man.”
Would read.

Four:
I'd like to see some of Harry's thoughts, even if they're just frantic half-formed plans.
Would read.

Five:
Absolute perfection.
The description of the monstrosity alone runs about 400 words and comes in right after this, so I figured to just leave it for this comp.

Six:
The setting doesn't particularly interest me. I think the dialogue tags need work—Proclaimed, sighed despondently, acquiesced, etc.
Not for me

Seven:
Nice twist on the opening line, double take with the magic, and then uncle Gellert. Memories back till he was six? What happened before then?
Would read.

Eight:
Space wizards isn't generally my thing.
I like WIMP, but there seems to be disconnect between Harry having the time of his life and his family life. It doesn't feel like guilt for abandoning them, if that's what it's meant to be.
Not for me.

Nine:
Very interesting.
Would read.

Ten:
Would definitely read, but spell fight is a no from me.

Eleven:
Way too depressing. If this is a time-travel fix it, maybe I'd read, but there's nothing to show as one. Just seems like Harry's kids falling apart around his dementia.

Twelve:
Give me Harry buying the newest Firebolt and marrying a trophy wife.
Would read.

Thirteen:
All the yes.
> opening kidnapping
I think that should be “openly kidnapping,” no?
Would read

James · Nov 3, 2024 at 11:32 PM

First things first: I missed the fact that this competition is for opening scene, since every example was a single paragraph. Entry One left me very confused right out of the gate.

Entry 1: 2 chapters, intrigued
The querulous and Dresden crossover aspect are sort of against for me, but I would give a chance to "Albus, who is still owed".

Entry 2: 0
It's not an HP FF, and little too purple for my taste. Also don't enjoy tragedy. As for something positive: doesn't trigger my "this author is obviously an amateur" senses.

Entry 3: 2 chapters, interested
Not a great fan of Hermione (fucking Hermione), but I would totally read a chapter of two to see where this is going. Agree with the speedrun vibes, and I'm really curious to see if it would work for a full fic.

Entry 4: 3 chapters, very interested
I really like competent MCs. I would read this, very hopefully. Would only stop if I hit one of my pet peeves.

Entry 5: 1 chapter, hesitant
I really really don't like Hermione, but I'm curious enough to see where this goes.

Entry 6: 2 chapters, interested
I kind of like the idea of reading well written historical fic, but I'm biased against non-HP fics, so it would have to be time travel. I would probably read it or not based on summary - if it's obvious Harry is going to be in it, I will give it at least two chapters.

Entry 7: 1 chapter, hesitant
I like the hints, would give it a read at least until the end of chapter one, to see if it delivers at least some of those hints.

Entry 8: 1 chapter, hesitant
Enjoyed the WIMP, honestly, but not a fan of the profound sadness, or the guilt for enjoying mous-haired women with incredible—

Entry 9: 3 chapters, fucking Hermione
I would read one chapter with great relish. After that, it would depend on whether it was Hermione's turn to be dreamed about, or whether he was pining after her really hard.

Entry 10: 1 chapter, interested
If it he doesn't leave with a number for the waitress, I'm bailing. Also, who writes "spell fight", for fuck's sake.

Entry 11: 0
If it's time travel (based on summary), I would give it a chance, but I'm not interested in felling feels based on Dementia!Harry. Good for him for living long enough to get dementia, I guess.

Entry 12: 1 chapte, (+ jump to a chapter 5)
I'm on the fence; I like the premise (Harry realising he really needs some adventure), but really dislike the tone (living in a lie), and little details like doing so for ten years. I'd give it a read and double check with a later chapter that he's doing something about it, and just wallowing in sameness, as Hurt/Comfort and Angst fics do.

Entry 13: 0
Not a fan of Dresden. It could be just Dresden inspired HP fic, maybe… wait no, upon reread, Harry Potter has no people he cares for in Midwest.

Also,I wrote #7 and #10. As most of my ideas, both are reactions to stuff I don't like in other fics.

#7: Gellert does some divination stuff, is over the whole "rule the world stuff", but not over fucking with Albus, so he figures making out Harry to be a great wizard when Albus thought HP is with muggles was good enough. And since Great People make Great Wizards, HPs childhood would include good basics for later learning - creativity, some physical control, and good memory/recall stuff for Mind Arts (no fucking shields tho).

#10: I always hope for a good Auror!Harry story, but too many of those have too much bureaucracy, not enough magic, and not enough casual "Harry is a fucking national hero" (I swear, I'll read one more entry level auror Harry getting chewed by some rando "Auror sergeant" for not doing his paperwork on time/correctly, I'm going to lose it). The tits were there to counterpoint the usual "virgin until I marry my first girlfriend" romance.

Thanks for kind words, and everyone for interesting entries.

Lindsey · Nov 3, 2024 at 11:41 PM

Entry One
I am not a fan of the first couple of lines, but love the last one. If there is a way to make the last line the first line, I'm all for it.

Would Read: Yes. I love me some Mab.

Entry Two
Very interesting. I have zero idea what is going on, nor have any inkling of the world being built here. But, it is entertaining enough to make me want to continue reading to see what will happen.

Would Read: Yes.

Entry Three
I like the idea of it, but there is something about the writing that doesn't do the idea justice. It starts off decent enough, but the final couple of paragraphs need to be rewritten to have a more dramatic effect. This sentence in particular: Just as she was about to interrogate him, his boot caught on a loose stone, and he stumbled, muttering, “Oh man.” under his breath.

Would Read: Yes, as I am curious what would happen.

Entry Four
Very standard action scene kicking off a story, yet I think it will hook most HP-fanfiction readers pretty well. It is better than my other starting point for this story.

Would Read: Yes. If someone else wrote this, it might actually be finished by now. Also, would very much love to read.

Entry Five
Good simple starting paragraph that makes you go.... hmmmm.

That being said, I'm not a huge horror fan, so I wonder if I would like this.

Would Read: Probably.

Entry Six
I cannot tell if this is a prologue for an AU HP story, or an original work. If it is an HP story, I think it needs to tie it to HP a little sooner. Have some sort of reference to confirm it is in the HP world ( a house elf perhaps).

Outside of that, this feels less of an opening but a scene from the middle of the story. When reading it, I felt like I was missing a lot of key information.

Would Read: Maybe.

Entry Seven
I love the snark. It feels like canon but not, with enough little details to make this seem like it is a very big AU. I want to know more.

Would Read: Yes.

Entry Eight
Wizards in SPAACEEE.

This feels less of an opening, but somewhere within the first chapter. You also have a few spelling errors (turquoise), and quips I don't understand (like Trivia Firma?).

Lastly, the ending paragraphs don't feel like they belong in the rest of the entry. The mood changes quickly, and his sadness doesn't seem logical. He is on his way to see his family, why would he be so sad?

Would Read: Maybe.

Entry Nine
This needs to be more than one paragraph. There is A LOT going on here. In a single paragraph you find out Harry has been kidnapped, he has a secret letter from Dumbledore and there is someone who is supposed to be dead, alive and well.

All the ideas are sound, but the execution is not.

Would Read: Maybe.

Entry Ten
This is my favorite entry. It's witty, contains a sense of magic and Harry's adult personality, and it drops you right into the plot.

Plz continue.

Would Read: Hell yes.

Entry Eleven
This entry just makes me sad. It isn't something I want to read about, as dementia sucks and seeing Harry have it is unacceptable to me. This is an entry I can't focus on as my grandmother is currently declining rapidly.

Would Read: No. Too tragic.

Entry Twelve
At first I wasn't sure, but when I read it again, I very much enjoyed it. It hits all the correct notes for an opening: character development, a bit of world building, and a great line to round it off.

Would Read: Yes.

Entry Thirteen
As the one who wrote this entry, I love it. I think it feels like Butcher's writing with Dresden. Yes, it has too many paragraphs. Yes, each sentence tries to rise above the last. And yes, it's a bit ridiculous. Yet, this is what Dresden represents.

Would Read: Yesssss.

Halt · Nov 4, 2024 at 12:04 PM

Because some of you lot seem to think that the advice of action scenes = fast paced = short sentences means every paragraph = one sentence, I'm here to tell you that no, that's not the correct application of that advice.

Short sentences, as with anything, is a means of emphasis (specifically around controlling a scene's pace). But as I've stated countless times in the past (see the Writing Resource thread in my sig), If you emphasize everything, you emphasize nothing. Variety - or in this case paragraph length variety - is necessary to spice up the writing.

So why is spamming short sentences (to the exclusion of longer paragraphs) bad.

Other than the above, it mimics the "wall of text" effect. Wall of text is often experienced when you have a ton of word blocks piled atop each other like building a Great Wall (which the ff.net authors will pay for), but really what is causing this is the lack of paragraph variety. By making it hard for the eye to distinguish between lines, you create mental strain in the reading (thus, the eyes skim).

TLDR: short sentences can be wall of text too.

"So if we're supposed to use short sentences to speed up scenes, but we can't just spam it like a tekken fighting game, when should we use it?"

The answer to that lies in the word emphasis. Not everything in an action scene is equally paced. Some lines should be faster than others in the impact (relative to all others). It is those lines we want to emphasize.

Application:

Entry 13 - With Edit Commentary

Chicago was gone, consumed in a blast of banefire that took along most of the Midwest, and with it, most of the people I had ever cared for.
(This can be one sentence)

Everything changed that night. Not just for me, but the entirety of humanity. It marked the beginning of the end.
(Duh, of course it did. Nuking a region that big makes the implication obvious)

At first, the United States and Canada thought it had been a terrorist. The whole world was frozen at the idea that someone could detonate a nuclear bomb in the heart of Chicago. But as the evidence piled up and the world grew darker, the truth began to leak out bit by bit.
(Can be merged with paragraph 1. Imagine Canada being relevant lul.)

Perhaps it was the Faerie Queen raising an ice castle in the ruins of Chicago, or the Red Court declaring an open season on humans. Maybe it was just the Nightmare that haunted all of us in our sleep. We'd been trying to deny it for centuries, banishing the creatures of the dark to myth and overactive minds; so arrogant in our certainty that humanity was the apex predator.

The creatures objected, and society fell quickly after that.
(you can use any of these lines to end, but stop building a bridge to nowhere and try to drive to a conclusion)

Entry 13 post edit

Chicago was gone, consumed in a blast of banefire that took along most of the Midwest, and with it, most of the people I had ever cared for.

At first, the United States thought it had been a terrorist. The whole world was frozen at the idea that someone could detonate a nuclear bomb in the heart of Chicago. But as the evidence piled up and the world grew darker, the truth began to leak out bit by bit.

Perhaps it was the Faerie Queen raising an ice castle in the ruins of Chicago, or the Red Court declaring an open season on humans. Maybe it was just the Nightmare that haunted all of us in our sleep. We'd been trying to deny it for centuries, banishing the creatures of the dark to myth and overactive minds; so arrogant in our certainty that humanity was the apex predator.

The creatures objected, and society fell quickly after that.

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DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

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2024 Bitesize Competition - Week 7

Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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