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2024 Bitesize Competition - Week 8

Discussion in 'Quarter 3' started by Lindsey, Nov 3, 2024.

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  1. Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Welcome to the 2024 Bitesize Competition - Week 8

    Topic(s): Physical Interactions

    What are physical interactions

    A character doesn't exist in a vaccum, but a world filled with other people. The interactions between people are incredibly important. A physical interaction can be a simple a character gently placing a hand on another's shoulder for comfort, a passionate embrace between lovers, a tense push against a wall, a character brushing past another in a crowded room, a handshake to greet someone, a fist bump, a child playfully tugging on their parent's shirt, or a character flinching away from a sudden touch.
    Key points to remember about physical interactions in writing:

    • Context is key:
      The meaning of a physical interaction depends heavily on the relationship between characters, the situation, and the overall tone of the story.

      Body language:
      Beyond direct touch, physical interactions can also be expressed through gestures like leaning in, crossing arms, or avoiding eye contact.

      Sensory details:

      Describe the physical sensations of touch, pressure, temperature, and movement to bring the interaction to life.
    Word count: Under 1000 words

    Bitesize writing competitions will differ from our typical writing competitions. When we do bitesize writing competitions, each small prompt will have around five days for everyone to write a scene (or even just a sentence). During the weekend, we will compare and review each others entries. If you have no interest in even wanting to write, don't vote.

    Deadline: Saturday, November 9th at 11:59pm (23:59) PST

    Send your scenes/sentences to @Lindsey once you're done. You can have up to TWO entries. On the day they are due, I will post all the entries in a single post. During the weekend, we can discuss each others entries and how to improve them.

    Voting Rules
    We will not have official voting like normal competitions. Instead we will have a discussion on how to improve the scenes. If you wish, you can pick your favorite entry.

    Got an idea for a future prompt? Put it in this thread!
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2024
  2. James

    James Unspeakable

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    CAN WE PLEASE CALL THIS Q4 COMPETITION?! IT'S FUCKING UP MY DAILY ROUTINE.

    Background: I'm self-employed with multiple clients I manage/invoice on quarterly basis, and I had to update multiple incorrectly filled time sheets, because I forgot it's Q4 already, because I just posted to Q3 competition
     
  3. Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    I removed the quarter. Originally this was only going for q3, but its popular enough to continue
     
  4. James

    James Unspeakable

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    I was just checking how much time is left for entries, and saturday is nov 9th, not nov 10th. All previous bitsize comps ended on saturday, so people probably assume, but…
     
  5. Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Whoops, yeah, meant to be the 9th.
     
  6. Threadmarks: Entries
    Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Entry One
    Thing was, her hair was so lovely. One braid today, and the soft strands that had worked their way loose during dreary school hours had curled up to frame her face. They must tickle, he thought, fingers clenching and he had to grab his quill to keep them from stroking them behind her ears. Fingers stroking the near translucent, hollow spine of the feather, the tip pricking his index finger, slipping in between nail and nailbed. He dropped it.

    She’d clip him round the ears with the bat they were supposed to turn into a beaver and curse him to boot. She’d tried to overturn McGonagall’s seating arrangement twice this term.

    His knuckles cracked, loudly. It was as thought the whole classroom had stilled on purpose a second before. Peter sitting in front with Phyllis Philpotts looked around and giggled, and Sirius, the bastard, hissed audibly from behind: “I didn’t know popping a boner could make so much noise.”

    Had it been anyone other than Lily beside him, he would have laughed it off after coming up with a stinging comeback. Sirius had a knack for this; finding weak spots and sticking his fingers in over and over until the wound was festering. He glanced sideways, breath catching in his throat because the pale winter sun that had become caught in her hair was just… was just…

    She was turning towards him, and he looked down, pretending he hadn’t heard, pretending he hadn’t just spent the past twenty minutes of Transfiguration staring at her hair. She must think him a right creep.

    Not just her hair, either, her face in profile was the best thing that had ever happened. Her nose and the curve of her mouth. Stubborn little chin, the way it jutted out when she disagreed, when she spotted an injustice.

    She was laughing at him, at what Sirius had said. But it was as though someone had cast a distortion charm all around him because he couldn’t hear the tone of it. She must think he was a proper loser.

    “This lesson is on beavers, Mr Potter,” McGonagall snapped, halting in front of his desk and causing several of his classmates, Lily included, to bend over with muffled laughter. “There will be no more daydreaming. Let me see your beaver!”

    Sirius’s barking laughter wasn’t muffled in the slightest and McGonagall huffed impatiently.

    “Simmer down, class!”

    “Yeah, James, let’s see you try your hand at a beaver,” Lily said, turning fully to him now and smiling. Wicked, evil, impossibly attractive smile.

    James glanced between her and McGonagall, who was looking so expectantly at him that it was actually possible she hadn’t cottoned on to the joke. And here he was, blushing like a complete tosser, tongue-tied in a way that absolutely no one but Lily could cause.

    Something nudged his wand hand, and he looked down in confusion. Somehow, the thing he had dreamed about for years was happening.

    Lily Evan’s was touching his hand with the soft, shapely pad of her thumb.

    It was rather like a stream of uncomfortably warm treacle spread from his hand through his arm, squeezing tight around his heart before splashing deep into his belly and beyond. In fact, if it had been a noisy function, now would’ve been the time. He couldn’t move his wand hand, that was out of the question.

    Fumbling with his wand in his left hand, he non-verbally rearranged the lining of his underwear before muttering the incantation to turn the bat into a beaver.

    Then he must have lost his vision, along with his breath and his heartbeat. Her finger was no longer touching his hand.

    “Actually, Professor McGonagall, I’ve just realized Potter forgot to lock up the astronomy tower last night when we were out patrolling. It’s probably still unlocked.”

    “That’s very irresponsible of you. The Head Girl and Boy are held to much higher standards than prefects, as you should know.”

    “Yeah, come on Potter, what are you waiting for?”

    Lily was out of her chair, hands on hips. The roundness in them, the absolute masterpiece that was her figure. That thumb had touched him and it was now sinking into her firm, curved flesh.

    “Er, what?”

    “Homework is six feet on transfiguration between aquatic and airborne mammals. I’m satisfied with both your wandwork today but some more practice won’t go amiss.”

    “Umm,” James said, getting to his feet and glancing down, just to make sure, then back to her face. Freckles. The hours he’d spent counting them. He kept notes on it, every recount, the first going back several years ago.

    He heard and saw nothing else, he just followed her gently swinging hips until they stopped. The stop lasted seconds and he was just blinking into the light, into his surroundings, when a door ground open and he was yanked by his collar into a broom cupboard.

    Entry Two
    He was dying.

    His whole body hurt, deep in his bones. It started from his neck, down his back, and radiated in waves of hot and cold to his extremities. A tremor swept his body, deep from within his ribs.

    His eyes were heavy, his throat parched. The pain radiated from his forehead to his temples. A cough was building in his lungs, but he wouldn’t release it.

    He couldn’t release it.

    He tried to move, but it hurt too much. He couldn’t swallow. He could only lie there, in his bed in the Gryffindor tower, dying. Alone.

    He closed his eyes, and knew he wouldn’t open them again.

    Was this how it ended? Months of stress, death, rebirth, his ultimate victory… and this was how it ended? Gentle drift into the darkness?

    And then came the light and with it came a being, made of white, surrounded by a bright halo. It gently swept aside his hair, and touched his forehead. It grasped his chin, and he felt a cooling sensation slithering down his throat, sweeping the pain and, the weakness.

    The being closed his mouth.

    Ambrosia—for what else could it be—hit his stomach, but it didn’t stop there. It continued further and further down, until he felt the heat in his toes, building up, building up, building up, until shot back up his body, like a great wave of fire.

    Like when Dumbledore battled the inferi, he felt his body burn.

    The pain was gone, and its place left only curiosity. Was this it? A being of light, a touch of divine, and then the release from his earthly burdens?

    He cautiously reopened his eyes.

    The being was there, looking unamused.

    He put on his glasses.

    “You should eat and drink more today, Mr. Potter. The Pepper-up dealt with the flu easily enough, but you will need your energy. Up you go, light movement and plenty food is what you need!”

    Entry Three - Two Tails

    “Bomba—”

    “Avada Kedavra!”

    Pettigrew was fast, but Sirius was as quick as a snitch. Sirius had one sublime glimpse of Peter’s face contorting in terror, and then he saw muddy orange. The grains of the brick crumbled apart, facets glinting in subtle shades of the orange cast by the street lamps, as it raced towards him. Sirius let loose an inhuman roar at being denied. One twitch of his wand vanished the mess.

    “–arda!”

    An earsplitting boom drowned out the echoes of his roar. The uninspired buildings lining Hill Road dissolved into a storm of rock, gravel and sand. A cloud of dust bloomed in front of Sirius. The soft orange lights gave way to weak white of the moon. His ears rang with the same dreadful prelude to the disaster.

    A lesser wizard would have fled, but he was Sirius. Shrapnel danced at his command. He carved a path into the raining maelstrom. Soot was banished. A circle of dust vanished. The gathering smoke fled.

    Pettigrew had vanished.

    Sirius screamed, vision beset by tears. A sob threatened to break free, but what came out was an outraged guffaw. As if a ward had been broken, he descended into fits of laughter, giving into the occasional sob.

    He heard a shriek of pain to his left — the ringing in his ears had died down — fading into a gurgle at the end. Sirius rushed over, swishing his wand. The remnants of a chimney budged aside to reveal a woman sprawled underneath, lying on her side and facing away. A beam of wood, anointed with blood, protruded from the side of her head. Grisly strips of flesh hugged the beam as they emanated from her skull. Her red hair flared out in a tangled mess.

    “Marlene!” exclaimed Sirius. He knelt beside her and jabbed his wand into the air. A large spectral dog raced away.

    Sirus offered a pale smile. “I am pants at healing.” He gripped her tremorous hand reassuringly as he frantically pawed through his pant pockets.

    The woman’s eyes lurched to meet his, mesmerizing brown pupils widening. She gripped his arm back weakly.

    Sirius went still. It was not Marlene. How could it be, he berated himself, when he had seen her speared, with James at his side?

    The woman’s hand slackened and slid onto the rubble. Her eyes looked past him, panic and confusion visible even without legilimency.

    Marlene she was not; she was a fragile muggle. He swore and let go of her. He pressed his coat pockets, back to front. Little vial, smaller vial, spare wand, pair of handcuffs…and a big vial!

    He retrieved the vial from his front left pocket and vanished the stopper. Draught of Living Death, perfect for —

    The woman’s eyes had lost vibrancy. Her chest still rose, slowly and shallowly, yet surely. He stared at flecks of brown in her eyes, stared at nothing.

    A deep voice called out from behind his left shoulder. “Sirius —”

    Sirius pounced onto the balls of his feet and whirled, wand extended.

    The tall black wizard looked past the threatening wand, eyeing Sirius with a speculative frown. “Knarl Eight Grindylow”

    “Ghoul Nine Kneazle,” barked Sirius. “Where’s Jones, Kingsley?”

    Kingsley did not meet his eyes, surveying the disaster around him instead. Sirius mirrored him, noticing the muggles gesturing at the scene from down the street for the first time. Kingsley flicked his wand once and they scattered, having found the two wizards and the rubble uninteresting.

    “Wands down, Black,” ordered Kingsley. He met Sirius with steely gaze, tension rippling through his shoulders as though they were strung similarly with steel. His brown wand, streaked with black, zeroed in on Sirius.

    “What are you doing, Shacklebolt?” growled Sirius. “Wormtail is scurrying—”

    Kingsley looked at Sirius as though he was seeing Sirius clearly for the first time. He shifted his stance as he spoke, placing one foot forward. “You are hereby placed under arrest. Counterinsurgency Decree 13 allows the killing curse —”

    Sirius snorted. “Spare me that codswallop. We need to catch Peter!” A thrill of anticipation ran through his arms nevertheless. He didn’t have time for this. James lay dead, unanswered for. He moved to match Kingsley — and found himself stuck.

    “That will be enough, Mister Black.” The soft tone belied the strength with which the words were spoken. Albus Dumbledore glided in from his right, having apparated in with not a sound. He was dressed in violently purple robes. His half-moon spectacles were uncharacteristically askew, and his white hair wafted around him. Sirius would have trembled if he could at the rage animating Dumbledore’s face.

    Kingsley relieved him of his wand and seized his left hand in a tight grip. Dumbledore grasped his right softly, but it hurt him all the more for it. A breeze sprang up, bringing sickening smell of burning hair and flesh, the dank stink of exposed sewage and a familiar smell.

    Rather, two familiar smells. He squinted at the end of the street, where the muggles had been standing. A familiar rat was running at the grates of a drain. He peeked in the direction of the second smell.

    The same thin grey rat was looking on him malevolently from the other end of the street.

    A familiar pinching sensation swept over him. The urge to laugh struck him again, even if he was petrified.

    The rat saw them out.

    Entry Four
    Bellatrix pulled sharply on the rope and the knot tightened like a snare around her captive’s wrists. She pulled again, this time to see the skin whiten in wrinkles as blood flow was cut. There were tiny flakes of skin falling to the floor like new snow.

    “I’ll enjoy it if you don’t tell me straight away,” she explained. “Although, looking at the way your poor wittle body is trembling I don’t have high hopes for you.”

    There was a muffled grunt, and an attempt was made to still the trussed-up body. Bellatrix laughed and pulled out her knife.

    She sat astride her captive, knife caressing the soft cheek all the way up to the eye.

    “Oops. You probably shouldn’t have moved.”

    The blood trailed down the cheek like a tear and Bellatrix smiled and watched its path before losing interest.

    “I think I’ll remove the rest of your crow’s feet first. Make you look young again. And your eyelids, I did that with your friend. The one we caught last week, you know? Has the Order found the body yet?”

    No answer and there were tears mixing with the blood.

    She grabbed the hair on her captive’s head and shook it.

    “No you haven’t? I see. What do you think, will they find your body a bit quicker?”

    A muffled groan and Bellatrix stuck her knife in between the tightly shut lips.

    “When they find you, they won’t know it’s you, though. They might guess it’s you by process of elimination, but there won’t be anything about your face or body that’s recognizable.”

    Bellatrix stroked her captive’s centre, the old sweaty clothes covering a frantic little rabbit heart. She smelled the hair, uncombed for days and so filthy it had gone from greasy to matte. The whimpers were coming out unchecked now.

    “Giving up, are we?”

    Bellatrix grabbed the hair again and yanked the head backwards. Neck exposed and she waved her knife-wielding hand in her captive’s field of vision.

    So many delicious moans, and the tightly bound thighs she was sitting on were shaking so hard the body would have slid over the chair if it wasn’t for the ropes.

    She withdrew the knife and instead extended her tongue. She licked over the bared throat, then rose and gargled and spat into her captive’s face.

    “Tell me what I want to know and I might make it quick.”

    Entry Five
    “Episkey.”

    He was hurt.

    “Hmm, it’s not closing up. I guess we’ll do this the regular way then. You should really be more careful, George.”

    His mother worked her hands over his face with a gentle focus, her fingers tracing the line of a shallow cut along his cheekbone, going all the way to his eyes.

    George was no stranger to this routine; they often got injured—a prank backfiring or brotherly brawls—but along the way, they learnt the healing spells and the correct potions to use, and then they moved out.

    He had missed this: the press of her thumbs, the scent of herbs and spices lingering on her hands, the warmth of her touch. But tonight, there was a strain in her tenderness, a soft tremor, and a hesitance in her fingers that hadn’t been there before the war had taken Fred.

    Her thumb was warm and slow-moving as it brushed a fleck of dandruff from his left eyebrow.

    Her hands were more calloused, slightly rougher than he remembered.

    Her fingers lingered as they got back to applying salve over the cut, and George caught that distant look in her eyes, the one that broke his heart a little every time. She was staring at him, but not really, her gaze slipping past the surface of his face, past his missing ear, as though she were looking at someone else.

    Fred.

    She was seeing him, his twin, the part of him that was absent, and her eyes grew distracted and unfocused.

    George swallowed hard, willing his own eyes to stay dry and to stay strong for her as her hand stilled on his cheek, her palm unconsciously stroking the skin where Fred's identical birthmark would have been, a habit born of long years of familiarity. He nudged her shoulder lightly, and she blinked, her gaze clearing slightly, and her mouth formed a weak, tight smile.

    He put his hand on hers, and he didn’t know if it was for her benefit or his.

    “I’m fine, Mum,” he murmured, his voice softer than he’d intended. He coughed forcefully. “I’m fine. I forgot to cut my nails, that’s all.”

    That was a white lie, Episkey would have fixed such a mundane injury. This was the result of a new Weasley’s Wheeze prototype he was working on. He was in a rush to come to this dinner and forgot to heal it properly.

    “Silly of you, dearie. Always cut your nails every Saturday, haven’t I taught you anything?”

    She was smiling. His mom could always tell when he was lying.

    “Not enough, clearly” George replied with a grin.

    Molly’s lips pressed together, her thumb moving again, her hand disengaging from his: a gesture that bore no real resentment.

    "Stop fidgeting! You don't want it to scar, do you?" his mother exclaimed in a huff.

    She took a bay leaf from her wand pocket (she kept a whole ingredient and spices cabinet in there), lightly dabbed it against her lips and put it against his cut.

    That usually skeeved him out, but today he didn’t mind as much.

    "Ewwww mum, gross"

    Appearances had to be kept. She just shushed him.

    She was done with her ministrations now that she bandaged the cut, but he leaned into her warm touch nonetheless, grateful for her presence and her care, embarrassed but willing himself to let her mother him, to let her comfort him in a way that only she could.

    George hugged his mother, tight and warm, and felt her arms rubbing his back like they always did—in the shape of a half-crescent moon. An old wives' tale, she believed that it helped protect them from evil.

    He let go before she did. They needed to go check on the kids. She hung on for a second longer.

    “All right, take the leaf off in a minute and you’ll be right as rain Georgie.”

    “Handsome as ever, wouldn’t you say?”

    She smiled, a brilliant thing, and slapped his cheek playfully.

    “Indeed.”
     
  7. WierdFoodStuff

    WierdFoodStuff Slug Club Member

    Joined:
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    194
    Entry 1:
    This started strong and ended quite weakly, in my opinion. There's a line between cute awkward and mentally challenged, on the spectrum awkward. And James crosses that line in the second half, he comes off as too passive, too disoriented, and a couple more adjectives.

    (Honestly, the only way the ending paragraphs would have worked was if it turned out to be a dream sequence.)

    I don't have any comments about the physical interaction aspect, maybe a bit lacking in JamesxLily but you chose to focus on Lily's interactions with her environment from James' smitten pov and that works rather well.


    Entry 2:
    Amusing. I even chuckled, but ultimately meh.


    Entry 3:
    It's interesting, this is the only entry that has most of the physical interactions be a result of magic.
    There's a flow to this entry, accompanied by a nice description of the environment.
    I'm a bit confused by the two rats, symbolism? Time turner? Is Sirius going insane prematurely? Or just Pettigrew being fast af boi! I don't know if that's the fault of the writer or the reader (yours truly).
    I would have liked more focus on Dumbledore, he doesn't seem the type to be solely angry, and a tinge of sadness in his interactions would have worked very well.


    Entry 4:
    Solid. Bellatrix is in character, it's dark and tense. Don't have anything to critique.

    Entry 5:
    This one is mine. Critique away!
     
  8. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

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    #1:

    Hmm. I thought this was Snape at first because the initial paragraph gives kind of a serial killer vibe, but then it turned out to be James. I don't really know how to feel about that, to be honest. I'd always imagined James as a little more confident, brash. You know, kind of a charming dickhead. What we see here is a lot more hesitant.

    Is it so hard or so unpopular to write braggadocio? It must be, because in these bitesize comps we see so little of it. I'm equally guilty of this, mind you.

    The descriptions kind of hover on the border of being embarrassingly first-love saccharine, and I personally think that you should've absolutely sprinted past that border if you're going for that. The repetition of "She must think him a..." jarred the pacing a little bit, and if you're going for repetition I think you should do it thrice for proper effect. Lily seems mostly a collection of body parts rather than a person. I think Sirius might have called it a "stiffy" rather a "boner", but I'll leave the britpicking to others.

    #2:

    Same advice as I gave in one of the other recent comps: "he, his, his, he, he, he...": please, for the love of god, switch up how you start your sentences. I'm still convinced that this absolutely kills readability and flow.

    Anyway, other than that: pretty amusing to have him think he's dying and seeing an angel but then it turns out it's Pomfrey. Beyond that, there's not that much to this. I guess Poppy is in character as far as I remember? Your descriptions of Harry thinking he's dying are one of the times that I think it's permissible to adorn your piece with some purple prose. By which I mean more prosaic writing, by the way.

    Otherwise not a lot to comment on here.

    #3:

    Oh, hey. Don't see this scene depicted all that often, it's mostly just left offscreen. Neat. That said, I think your description of the fight scene needs work.

    This paragraph is equally a bit of a mess. "facets glinting in subtle shades of the orange cast by the street lamps" is overly verbose and utterly disrupts the pace of it "racing" towards Sirius, the "inhuman roar" is hard when he's already roaring a spell, and for the relatively long description of it, "the mess" (which undersells things rather badly) vanishes in basically an instant.

    I wouldn't have used "banished" and "vanished" so closely after one another, and I wouldn't have included the "circle of dust" either, to be entirely honest.

    Ergh. Rubs me wrong.

    Neat little detail that Sirius essentially accidentally called the cops on himself, but otherwise, I think you're pretty consistently putting emphasis on the wrong spots, which interrupts your pacing and hampers the writing just flowing. Sirius reads as nearly despondent, not insane with rage and grief as he should be. Dumbledore doesn't quite hit, either.

    Finally:
    Oh my.

    #4:

    Some people would pay good money for this service, you know. Not me personally, you understand, but, uh, anyway.

    I think you're losing something here with not pointing out who it is that Bellatrix is torturing. It hits harder for the reader to know that it's one of the characters they know being tortured rather than just "a body", "her captive"... I realize that maybe it's on purpose that Bellatrix is dehumanizing her prisoner, but still.

    In addition, I'm not really feeling Bellatrix's sadism that would push it to the next level. The baby talk is there and the talk about "having found the body" is there, but I'm missing a more personal touch, and the writing's kind of bare beyond just alternating "thing happens" and "Bellatrix talks".

    I forget who it was, but some other DLPer had a fic that started with Harry being tortured by Bellatrix. I think it might've been Silens Cursor? Anyway, that traded the torture with moments of tenderness and even arousal to really fuck with Harry's head, and that stuck with me because it was a lot more fucked up than just normal torture. There's a lesson there, I'm sure.

    #5:

    Honestly kind of a basic opening. Too basic for my tastes, but what do I know? I'm just someone who received only rave reviews on my entry during the competition specifically about openings.

    As I said for #2, I think that repeating "her" thrice is jarring and pulls me out. I'd have structured that bit more like this:
    You've got some issues with missing punctuation, but really the bigger issue IMO that you've kind of got a problem of dual themes that you don't quite manage to get to mix. Your first theme is that Fred's not there and that's a wound of its own, and your second theme is that they've both gotten too old for this to be really necessary but they do it anyway as a reminder of when George was young and because it's soothing. Those two are separated by George jarring Molly from her introspection.

    I think you'd've been better off by making the second theme the main focus and then having the absence of Fred run through the entire thing. For example, you mention a brotherly brawl, and you could easily have thrown in a "It wasn't the same with Ron," maybe. It's easy to make that too blatant and hammer on it too much, but you've definitely got room for more.
     
  9. James

    James Unspeakable

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2015
    Messages:
    774
    Entry 1
    This short scene hits one of my many pet peeves regarding romance in fanfiction — mainly that a character, known for being quick-witted and flirting with everybody suddenly becomes tongue-tied and blushing when in presence of their True Love (TM), but I'll try really hard to get past that.

    Sirius getting his licks in was on point, but:

    This sounds too ungracious for internal monologue about your best friend, especially about good, barbed jokes.

    The beaver part got a chuckle out of me, because I'm immature like that, so well done there. Using magic to tuck himself is a very small every day use of magic, which is always a win.

    "as you should know" is always a major red flag in fanfiction, smelling of infodumps.

    The following dialogue is very disjointed - that's probably a goal, to show how he's out of it, daydreaming about all things Lily, but it's too disjointed. Even if you focus on dialogue, it jumps all over the place - lecture on responsibilities, "come on", back to homework. It doesn't sound like a real dialogue, even if discounted the confusion.

    This is a miss for me. Hands on hips sounds very motherly, the transition to daydreaming from reality is disjointed, and curved flesh sounds more like a transfiguration mishap than a sexy booty.

    Would read: Sure, but I am bailing the moment more fucking blushing reappears.

    Entry 3
    Good duel: something more that a gunfight of lights, and a little description that feel well placed, like "uninspired buildings".

    This is a fun idea, but the punch line (Sirius) is too weak. If you want to stay with name, he was The Sirius Black, or something.

    The woman part was great, but again, the realisation (already seeing Marlene dead) was too weak, just tucked in between the hallucination and her death as an afterthought.

    The repetition of "steel" is eh.

    The final part is where this leaves me confused: if this is just a short piece about something in the canon, you can't have Shacklebolt (a friend, based on the dialogue) and Dumbledore there; if they were near Sirius, they wouldn't just let ministry ship him to Azkaban and it all falls apart. If it's not canon (Sirius not going to Azkaban without a trial), you should have tossed something in about getting to bottom of it all or something, because this just a leaves a taste of Bad Dumbledore in my mouth.

    I feel this doesn't sound like Dumbledore, even as furious as he is. Can't put my finger on why, though, exactly.

    Fucking yes. Yes, yes, yes. Fantastic end.

    Would read: If I know it's just an intro, or there's something about canon going differently, yes. Overall fantastic first part of the first chapter.

    Entry Four
    Horrifying. Half mad torturer Bellatrix is very much in character, in my opinion.

    There was a couple of spots I got taken out of it:

    Not only is the she explained superfluous, the "explained" also reeks of authors so scared of "said", every character is asking, answering, explaining, replying etc.

    There should be something happening before this - a tremor that makes a deep nick or something - for this part to make sense.

    Horrifying, yet awesome.

    This reads as if she was shaking the hair to me… And the whole shaking is too weak.

    This is a second time the captive sounds muffled… why? Is there something in their mouth? Then you can't just stuck a knife there.

    Also, sticking a knife in between lips sounds weird to me — especially tightly shut, what with teeth and all.

    No.

    She's full deranged now, smelling the hair, yuck. Also, I see the greasy there.

    The "and" isn't connecting these beats very well.

    Appropriately horrible, but the gargling is out of place. You gargle with something, so either she should take a mouthful of blood, or just remove it.

    Would read: Not sure. Probably yes, unless it was a full grimdark "Diaries of mad torturer" type of thing. As a horrifying opening, I enjoyed it.

    Entry Five
    Not sure if it's just me, but dearie doesn't sound right here, from mother to son.

    Unnecessary.

    I think

    The weakest part, I feel, were the dialogue tags, especially the "exclaiming with a huff". Compared to other parts, it was very out of place.

    Heartbreaking. Also enjoyable and very sweet. Thank you for writing.
     
  10. Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Looking at these entries, I think this prompt was too open-ended. I don't think anyone stuck the landing with a physical interaction that makes you feel something. Most these physical interactions feel secondary to the scene instead of the core part.

    Entry One

    This feels like fanfiction as it seems very unrealistic that anyone actually thinks this way. It's far too obsessive, and makes James feel like a caricature of himself. Moreover, the sudden twist from James showing the class his magic to Lily talking about the astronomy tower is too sudden and doesn't make much sense. No one would just blank out for several minutes after a girl touches his hand. It's awkward, and feels very, very YA in a bad way.

    The upside of this entry is that you focused on such a simple physical interaction. A mere touch and how important that is. I do like simple things like that.

    Entry Two
    I like the idea, but I don't think it fits the prompt that well. Physical interactions between two (or more) people require actual physical interactions between the people. Where is this here? The only interaction is two sentences, which aren't even the focus of the story. This scene ends up focusing on Harry's physical feelings and not actual interaction.

    That being said, I do love the emotional start, and you later find out it is just the flu. We've all been there man, it sucks.

    Entry Three
    Once again, what is the actual *physical* interaction in this scene? Almost everything here is magical, not physical. Moreover, I really don't like the idea of Dumbledore being the one to catch Sirius. I've always had a belief that Sirius was caught, confessed and sent to Azkaban before Dumbledore was even aware Sirius had been found. In your version, Dumbledore might be one of the reasons Sirius didn't have an official trial, especially as Sirius doesn't confess.

    Now, if this is an AU, which it might be due to two gray rats, disregard my opinions on Dumbledore.

    Entry Four
    Not the most original idea when it comes to Bellatrix and a physical interaction, but it is executed reasonably well. Bellatrix is in character with her dialogue and actions. Now, I do wish you showed a little bit more about how she was feeling, not explaining her feelings in dialogue. The last three lines are the best, as it showed how she was feeling, a physical interaction, good characterization and a good dialogue line.

    Entry Five
    I love the idea behind this. Interactions between family members in a sweet, familiar way is comforting to me. However, I think this scene is too long for what you are trying to do. The scene needs to be simple, focused and sweet. This meanders. The story would benefit with a few strong lines that tug at your heart strings.

    Lastly, I agree that the start was weak. It doesn't come into it's own until half way through. It does have a good ending though, with George and Molly sounding like their characters.
     
  11. LucyInTheSkye

    LucyInTheSkye Competition Winner CHAMPION ⭐⭐

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    Entry 1: Should've just entered with wolfstar porn, played to my strengths.

    I think I see James as that type of cool guy who completely loses the plot when he falls in love. Not that I wrote that very brilliantly, but the characterization is on purpose.

    Entry 2: Loved it. Great build-up, great switcheroo.

    I liked this, your story-telling structure here. And your rhyming here

    Entry 3:

    Bit too wordy for my tastes but plenty of gems. Interesting take on this scene, interesting in general to see it depicted. I'd describe Dumbledore differently, you don't set him up to possibly make Sirius tremble with awe/fear.

    I seem to be entering another poetry phase based on what draws me in in these, you've got this that I loved:

    Entry 4: Me again. I've written similar scenes before where it's gone more sexual, I regret not doing that because that at least really fucks with me when I read it back. Feels a bit meh now.

    Entry 5: Very sweet, maybe a bit too sweet for right now. It's effective and if I was in a ifferent mood I think it's one that'd linger with you a bit after you've read it. Does that make sense?

    I'd edit it a bit, cut some adjectives (no need to both nudge and do it lightly etc).
     
  12. James

    James Unspeakable

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    i don't think that's a thing outside of crackish romcoms and anime
     
  13. LucyInTheSkye

    LucyInTheSkye Competition Winner CHAMPION ⭐⭐

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    Ha maybe, or maybe it's only a thing in more socially awkward countries? Feels like I've seen it plenty of times where I'm at, but I take your point that it did not work here/work the way I wrote it.
     
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