Title: Harry Potter and the Alchemist's Apprentice
Author: kmfrank
Rating: T
DLP Category: Time Travel Fics
Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama
Pairing: N/A
Chapters: 4
Words: 44,040
Updated: July 21, 2008
Published: May 28, 2008
Status: Abandoned
Summary: In the midst of the battle in the Department of Mysteries in Harry's fifth year, he is knocked into a large hourglass and hit with five Killing Curses from the Death Eaters. He wakes up in the streets of an unfamiliar London. Where is he? What happened to him?
Link: here

Here's my latest story. I decided to post it here after I put up the second chapter and got a bit further into it so you know a little better where I'm going. It's still not all that far into it - only 20k, so feel free to reserve rating if you don't feel there's enough there.

As always, I appreciate any comments or advice, so let me know what you think.

Kevin


Checked by Minion, January 1, 2013

 

Looking good so far (I'm mid chapter 1). One thing that sticks out though are time problems: would someone in 1895 know what sunglasses are? Or, indeed, a pina colada?

Also, how did Harry know how to drive?

Towards the end of chapter 1 the paragraphs got a bit long, which makes them hard to read. This applies to chapter 2 too.

"Terpeo" should be "Tergeo".

The focus on alchemy, runes and potions to the complete abandonment of the traditional wand subjects is rather annoying.

Wise snake is a bit of a cliche, and really has no purpose.

Flamel also doesn't seem to be doing much teaching either.

My greatest criticism is that the story lacks any real direction or plot. Most of what is in there at the moment is rather aimless and serves no purpose. Whenever you're writing a scene, you should always be asking yourself "What does this scene do to move the plot forward?" and if the answer is that it does nothing and you just wanted to include it, then that scene shouldn't be there - it's just filler.

So far, all of chapter two and much of chapter one fit into this. All it is is Harry learning magic - interesting to be sure (though I would have been much more interested if I weren't constantly annoyed by the abandonment of Charms, Transfiguration and DADA), but without a plot it might as well be an essay on magic.

 

Thanks Taure, good catch on the "Tergeo" mistake - my memory isn't what it used to be, unfortunately, which is why I usually use my big ass list of spells.

Hope you enjoy the magic theory more in this one, I tried to keep it more to what you like in terms of wandlore. I really enjoyed your dissertations on magic theory by the way, hope you write more of those - they've certainly inspired and solidified my own thinking on the subject.

Well, I feel that Nicolas probably - as I do - noticed that Harry is the most deficient in certain subjects that Nicolas thinks are important. Totally ignorant to begin with about Runes and Arithmancy, not to mention Alchemy. Also, Flamel uses Alchemy as a bit of a catch-all, really. However, Harry's wandwork has vastly improved as well - he may not be learning new things (yet), but he can now charm a bunch of objects simultaneously (see the horse brushes at the stable at the beginning vs. end), can Vanish things very easily unlike at the end of OotP (was surprised that he could Vanish his lizard at his OWL), and can transfigure rocks into a herd of sheep now. Flamel may not have taught him these things directly, but he's been doing this long enough to know that it'd be the best way to teach Harry and it's worked well. Sorry if that wasn't clear from the story, but I think that all of Harry's abilities have advanced pretty well without giving him too much additional Super!Harryness. After all, we're only halfway through his first year of apprenticeship, and the next half is going to be a lot more than 20k words, trust me.

Kevin

 

I thought Baslisks could kill with their gaze, they only turn people into stone when someone looks into their eyes indirectly. I like the rest of the story though. 3.5/5

 

Yes, I had a reviewer mention this to me as well, but here's my thoughts:

Does it make sense that a direct stare doesn't have the same physical effect as an indirect stare? Instead, I think that a direct stare kills them and petrifies them - you can mandrake root them, but they'll still be dead. The indirect gaze is reversible.

Just my take on it, of course, but I think it makes sense.

Kevin

 

I'm rather disappointed that there are only two chapters. But what I have read is very good and I'm anxious for it to continue. The only slight thing I can see as questionable is sunglasses in chapter one.

I can't wait to see the reaction of Harry to the Prophecy.

5/5

 

Yes, I was recently informed by a reviewer that sunglasses were invented in 1929, and pina coladas in 1954. I'll go back and adjust it when I think of something else that properly illustrates the quirkiness that I tried to imbue in Flamel's character that I thought the beach thing did well.

I just started this story, so that's the reason for the lack of content. I'm also alternating between chapters of Unlocked Knowledge and Alchemist's Apprentice now, with the former having a half-written chapter as of now. I'll work on the latter once I put out that chapter. I'm very excited about the ideas flowing for both of these stories, now, though Knowledge was giving me trouble for awhile.

I appreciate all the encouragement and criticism from everyone.

Kevin

 

When it comes to stuff like this, Wikipedia is your friend

 

Haha, no doubt. Unfortunately I didn't even think about an innocent detail like the invention date of sunglasses - sloppiness on my part, I suppose.

If anyone has any suggestions for a list of items for Harry to transfigure that illustrate quirkiness and that actually exist in September, 1895, then I'll be happy to hear them. Until them, its up to inspiration to strike me.

 

You could still go with the bathing suit and deck chair thing, but have Flamel comment on the differences in fashion between what his conception of a bathing suit is and what Harry creates - mostly likely a pair of swimming shorts.

 

Oooh...nice one, Taure.

That was the sound of a *yoink*.

Cheers,
Kevin

 

I like this, because of the concept and the promise it shows... not going to rate it yet though.

 

It's good to see that you are back and writing again.

A very nice start. I've seen this done once or twice before but not quite like this so I'm looking forward to more. I like how you don't have Flamel acting like a clone of the oddball AD from the start of canon, he is portrayed that way all to often. There wasn't really anything that I noticed nitpick wise so good job, and keep it coming.

 

Too early to rate, but this certainly shows promise. No real nitpicks, other than those already mentioned. Learn from the mistakes others have made in the genre, and this will will doubtlessly grow into one of my favourite Time Travel fics. Have to say that this is one of the better Nicholases around, it's very difficult to foresee his reaction to events, which is excellent!

 

I like.

If you keep the update rate steady and the story in a direction, it will be great.

4/5 right now, but I'll save my real rating for when more is written.

 

The flow of the story is quite heavy and slow. I’m sort of forcing myself not to yawn and look away. I find the garbage truck outside my house more interesting than what’s happening with Harry.

​

I’m sadly bored before I get halfway through the first chapter. Harry comes off like a real moron, I can understand the confusion. But being certain that he’s dead and that where ever he is, is the afterlife?

​

Harry continued utter ignorance of what is right in front of him only becomes more annoying the further ahead the story goes. Harry has been to the Leaky cauldron multiple times between first and fifth year, not just once. It makes more sense, given the existence of magic and what is right in front of him, that he readily believe he’s somehow back in time, but whatever.​

The way he meets Nicholas makes me roll my eyes. I find a lot of the following conversation to be of the variety: read a bit, scroll, read a bit, scroll, sigh, scroll, etc. ​

Harry has just been told he’s going to apprentice to Flamel, and all he can do his think how much work that’s going to be? I don’t really care how IC it is for Harry to be a troll, I’d rather read about an OOC smart Harry than an IC dumb Harry.​

The “Karate Kid” approach to magical-tutoring, while certainly effective in some cases, also has the effect of being dead boring to read about. Personally, I like the Alchemy all-round approach to magic, though the teaching method leaves more than a little to be desired.​

The way magic is treated both by Flamel and Harry makes it appear like an all purpose cleaner: Magic is the quick fix to your mess! Charm for this, charm for that. It makes one question why wizards have stores or even a monetary system. There appears to be a charm for all occasions and Harry seems to know about all of them. The Magic in this story doesn’t appear to have any limits. A wizard simply has to sit still and have wards and spells bring him food, he doesn’t have to move! ​

Flamel would also not refer to himself as Harry’s master. Harry would call him such, but Flamel would simply refer to himself as Nicholas. Flamel would introduce Harry as his apprentice, but he would not refer to himself as being Harry’s master. Harry belongs, in a sense, to Flamel. Flamel, does not however, belong in any sense, to Harry.​

I know this has been mentioned previously, but Basilisks Kill with their sight and they petrify through second hand gazing. They do not turn you to stone. I think you’re confusing the Basilisk’s gaze with the Gorgon’s. ​

From where I’m sitting this story gets a 2,3/5 it has potential, but the writing is just so droning. I feel partially like Binns is telling the story. The only reason I made it past the second chapter was because I scrolled the more tedious parts and I don’t seem to have missed anything of importance in doing so.


​

 

Hey Ikaros, thanks for the input and in-depth review. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy the "training" part of the story, and I realize that it was rather in-depth and long, but I felt it rather necessary to eliminate any inconsistencies that would crop up later - for instance, "for his OWLs, Harry could barely Vanish a salamander, how'd he get good at it?" I thought my way was a little better than either saying that he'd trained or just ignoring it and having him do whatever he wants. Combine that with how we know Harry learns best on his feet, and you'll see why I used the "Karate Kid" approach.

I'm glad you liked the explanation of Alchemy that I gave. It took me a bit of research and thinking to come up with it - canon (and fanon) seems to at first indicate that its a bit like Potions, I think; it goes beyond that, however, because certainly some of the uses of dragon's blood go beyond Potions (like the oven cleaner). So I thought it best to be thought of as a method - and it does seem to have been early Alchemists who pioneered the modern day scientific method - rather than a discipline.

The next chapter will have a bit more story and plot to it, instead of Harry's training. He'll have his first interaction with French girls in a normal teenage fashion. We also get to see an original character who will play an important part in the story.

I do have to put out a chapter of Unlocked Knowledge first, though, so it might be another week before you get to see it.

Cheers,
Kevin

 

Okay so I've readed your story up to the third chapter, so I think I'm ready to comment. I actually enjoyed some of the training sequences, although I had wondered about the Thestral bit - wouldn't the fact the Harry could even see them be unusual to Flamel?

I also liked some of the interactions Harry had externally, although I didn't really find the Princess Victoria part that amusing - wouldn't she have been old then anyway? And the love potion bit seemed a touch out of left field - why didn't Harry or Flamel care about what was essentially rape?

Be careful how detailed you get at times - you have a tendency to "over-explain", if you will. I wasn't clear on the Durmstrang bit - what in the world did vampires (often an annoying cliche) have to do with anything. I like your story so far, but I recommend care - you toe the line between interesting and cliched a bit too often.

Oh, and you should post your story on PatronusCharm.net.

3.5/5
-J

 

Just letting everyone know that I've posted both of my stories on PatronusCharm.net, on the advice of many.

Props to Raven for that site, which is great.

Updates to follow after I finish Chapter 14 of Unlocked Knowledge.

 

I really like this stoy so far. It has great potential. I think that Idea rates a four point five but I am not sure where you are going with this stroy so I will hold off on farther comment.