Act I
X Harry arrives at Privet Drive in the middle of an intense rainstorm…
X Dursleys tell him that they are going to a dinner party and will be leaving Dudley with him…
X Harry heads into the house as the Dursleys pull away, ignoring Dudley…
X Harry goes to his room and goes to sleep, drained of all emotions and thoughts save one; that he is all alone in the world…
X The following day Harry receives a letter from Dumbledore…
X Harry tosses the letter aside without reading it…
X He does not want to have to deal with Dumbledore, nor anyone from the Wizarding world…
X Harry spends the next day locked up in his room and does not come out at all and is not disturbed by anyone…
X This is the routine for the next several days, with Harry only leaving to use the bathroom or to eat late at night when everyone else is asleep…
X He begins to have the falling dreams around this time…
X A few days later Harry receives a letter from Hermione…
X He reads it, but does not reply…
X The next day his uncle tells him that they are going to visit Marge and that they will be leaving him at Privet Drive…
X The following day…
X Harry heads downstairs in the evening and finds Dudley sitting in the backyard…
X He asks Dudley why he is still here, and Dudley says that he did not want to go, so he stayed…
X Harry turns to leave, then Dudley tells Harry quite randomly but grimly what he recalled last summer when the Dementors were around…
X His 3rd year at Smeltings he saw a little girl get rain over and killed right in front of him…
X Harry makes to leave when Dudley asks him what he hears…
X After a few moments of silence and recollection, Harry answers “death…” with no emotion whatsoever…
X Later that night, Harry at the park…
X He is thinking of Sirius, how he killed him, how the Wizarding world has slowly been killing him, of everyone he has killed by association, and everyone who will be killed because of him…
X Rain starts pouring, Harry stays at the park in the rain…
X Dudley pulls up at the park and asks if Harry wants a ride back to the house…
X Harry asks why, and Dudley says it’s raining…
X They pull into the driveway…
X Harry makes to leave, but Dudley stops him…
X Dudley tells Harry that he is sorry, sorry about everything…
X After a few moments of silence, Harry replies saying that no one is ever truly sorry for what they have done, because at one point… they weren’t…
X Harry leaves a sorrowful Dudley in the car…
X A few more days pass by to two weeks…
X Harry has been rethinking everything he thought he knew to be true, rethinking all his preconceived notions about society and those people he knows and thought he could trust. He has also been rethinking his role in the war and society, there savior and martyr and of how quick they were to praise him after all but condemning them to hell. He sees no hope for humanity, and he is ready to just give in…
X He receives a letter from Ginny, then one from Ron…
X To Ron he writes vaguely of how hopeless it all has become, of how pointless it would be to try and save any of it…
X To Ginny he writes telling her that she does not love him, but the idea of who he is, or rather who he is perceived to be, and nothing more…
X The following day…
X Harry receives a phone call from Hermione asking him what is wrong and why he is writing such morbid letters, almost as if he is giving up on life, as if he has all but committed suicide. He tells her that he could never commit suicide when he is already dead, has been since the day his mother was killed, holding him in her arms as Voldemort ended her life. He has been dead…
X In the kitchen Dudley is listening to the conversation as Harry speaks it. He realizes how miserable his life has been, made more so by all that he has done to him and for a second wishes there was a way he could make it up to him…
X 2nd week of July…
X Harry and Dudley are still spending the summer alone at Privet Drive, Vernon and Petunia going on a cruise with Marge with the summer…
X Harry goes to the park on a clear night and does not bring his wand with him simply because he forgot it…
X He falls asleep under a tree at the park while watching a shooting star sail through the night sky…
X Harry has a dream. He is no longer watching himself falling from a great abyss, but is now experiencing the fall just as he has seen it for the past couple of weeks, and he is looking down at his lifeless body rushing up to him on the ground. He begins to hear screaming, his scar shatters his mind with pain, an agonized scream, and his body is growing colder and lifeless. Then consciousness pierces the dream, dread fills his heart as he instantly wakes up in stark realization of what has befallen him…
X His eyes shoot open, but it is already too late. A dementor has Kissed Harry, stealing his soul and his life…
X The last thing Harry hears before blackness engulfs him is the faint whisper of an angelic voice…
X End Act I

Interlude
X Commentary by Fred and George Weasley and an interview with the author conducted by the twins with questions from characters of the story, musical entertainment by Bermuda…


I would appreciate anyone's advice and what they think of how the story looks like it will go without actually reading any chapters or knowing my overall writing style. The story is going to be a dark!harry bordering on evil!harry with several ships, lots of killing, and of course Cho Chang!

PS... Please do not take this plot and use it as your own, by punishment of sporked death!

 

Its pretty good, but maybe you need a good reason why Dudley would befriend Harry or it won't be very believable.

 

The way I see it, the biggest problem here is that you streched out this plot too thin. You simply have too many scenes where Harry is simply walking around, going to the bathroom, park etc. In short, doing ordinary things and angsting.

Now, mind you, this CAN be done right, but you have to be an EXCELLENT writter to do it justice; and even if you manage, I'm affraid it might just end up like one of those poetic emo stories, with Linkin Park lyrics between the text... you know what I'm talking about (no disrespect if you intend to write like that).

My advice? Split this outline into several definite scenes and fill the space between them with descriptive text, talking about everything else you wanted to say. Like this passage for example: Harry has been rethinking everything he thought he knew to be true, rethinking all his preconceived notions about society and those people he knows and thought he could trust.... <snip>

So, instead of writing a scene where Harry has a nightmare, wakes up, makes breakfast, while thinking about these things, you can describe them between real scenes ("For a few days, Harry would wake up etc...").

As for which scenes to keep, I suggest to start from the plot events you need to see happen. From your outline, I gather that the things you REALLY need to happen are:

- Harry and Dudley having lots of interaction, getting closer together (Dudley making amends).

- Harry being all gloom and doom, distancing himself from his friends over several letters and a phone call.

- Harry getting kissed by a stray dementor.

There are few more events (Vernon and Petunia going away, Harry's dreams) but I'm not certain how important are they for the future plot.

So, to include all that, you'll probably need 3 or 4 scenes. This is how I'd compile these events.

- Harry writing glum letters to his friends (in the living room, kitchen?), interacts with Dudley, learns about his experience with dementors (from your short scene in the backyard).

- Harry in the park, Dudley takes him home, scene in the car.

- Harry receiving a phone-call from Hermione, talk about letters and his attitude, possibly have a spat.

- Harry is angry from the phone call, runs to the park and falls asleep (which is why he forgot his wand - otherwise it's a plot hole). He gets kissed.

Of course, this is just a suggestion, it's advisible to make your own outline, so to include any pre-shadowing you'll need for next chapters.

...Well, that's my two cents anyway.

BTW, I didn't understand that part with the Twins...

 

It seems good and all, but you need to fill in the gaps or you have, basically, your regular angsty Suicidal!harry premise for a fic not the Dark!Harry you want to make. Also is the scene with the twins have ANYTHING to do with the plot...at all. It seems, to me, the Twin thing is going to look like one of those annoying things in crap fics that go something like this.

Plutobaby494: Hello peoples, this is my first Harry Potter fic, Yay I'm so happy! Harry will you do the disclaimer?

Harry: Sure, Plutobaby494 does not own Harry Potter or any of its characters.

Plutobaby494: (crys) but I wish I did.

Voldemort: Luke, I'm your father!

Harry: Wrong show ya Idiot.

Voldemort: Grr (walks out of the room throwing curses everywhere).

Plutobaby494: Anyway enjoy the fic,

 

I'm thinking that it could work but somethings need to be toned down abit, nothings worse then are seriously Angsty Harry. From what you have how are you going to go about making Harry dark boardering on evil? I like how you plan on setting Ginslut down, the way she has fallen for what he is persieved to be is kinda new so points there.

Though Dudley is seeking forgiveness dont make it such a big deal, Harry's attitude of 'if it happens, it happens' would be good about then. The Dementors kiss has me a bit stumped as well, hearing an angalic voice? please dont make it so he meets his parents, get him on to Necromancy if he's to do that shit.

 

The twins are going to be like... well... they are going to build up the suspense in a way prior to the next act in the story. Something like how the Twi Light Zone would do it at the beginning of an episode. Dark Lord Rostam, your example I have seen many times before and have always liked it because of how its like the comedic relief in the story. I had not intended to do it that way though, chat style. Bobmin's style for doing that was what I had originally planned on going for, the funny skit on a theater stage. Reading Captain Joe's works, he has philosophical and deep narratives that serve as ways of expressing points in his stories. Thats how I want to do it, and it gives to the twins a feeling of foreboding and curiousity associated with them that does not include pranks and dungbombs.

The reason for Dudley befriending Harry is merely out of... maturing over another year, yes. But also because of the dementor incident in OoTP. It certaintly needs more work to make it plausible and worthwhile.

Suicidal!Harry is not going to be the premise of the story and in fact will only be noticed at all within the first act (chapters in this story referred to as acts). And being suicidal is a stretch. It is more like... he has given up hope, though not just with the events around him and the prophecy. Since Harry has entered into the wizarding world and even before so when he was still just a baby, he has been wronged by society, government, and those who were suppose to be his guardians. He sees no hope in any of it, more of less its all lost within deceit and corruption on many levels and views. Wrongs against him, wrongs against those he loves, and wrongs against those who have merely known him (ie Cedric...). Thats the kind of Harry I am going to try and portray within the first act of the story. Not suicidal... just... deep. If anyone can give me advice on how to do this, or fics out there that have done this before, whether good or bad, please feel free to tell me. I don't want this fic to be anything less then word-of-mouth worthy.

Harry forgetting his wand: It has to do with the hopelessness and views he begins to explore over the course of act. But really its not going to be enough just to say "oh its all hopeless I guess I'll leave my wand in my desk." No, I like what you said IP82 and I had not even considered that, but it could be spun a little differently so that it does not seem cliche and WTFish

Oh yeah, the outline is split into several different scenes, not all just one long thing you know. When I copied and pasted the outline from my file onto here, it didn't add the tab spaces I have on the original. There are several scenes within this act, not just one akfhaklghbadmgh... thing.

Thank you everyone who has responded so far. Please keep it coming!

 

What do you mean about the necromancy? Like, he meets his parents and then starts to study necromancy in a cliche attempt to bring them back?

 

Too much angsting and walking around. You have to be really awesome to pull it off right, try using lots of dot dot dots.

Alter the writing a bit. Reflect the writing on how Harry feels. A good exampel of this this From the Abyss by Ruskbyte.

Make it a bit confusing too - swirl the writing so it seems like a downward spiral.

Extend the scene with him rejecting Ginny, just for DLP user's sakes. We will review you JUST for that. (At least I will *looks around*.)

And I've never actually seen a story where Harry brings back his parents. The idea SOUNDS cliche, but I have yet to run into a decent, finished or at least respectable story where it is done.

 

I won't be bringing back Lily and or James... or any of the MWPP... or anyone... if they died in cannon they are dead... the plot outline is the guideline by witch I am going to follow. It does not dictate what all I will be writing nor does it have everything that I will be writing. Many facts and scenes are all in my head and I know where to put them and when so it works out like how I want it too... but... ginny bashing I think I can do... you know, just because you asked so nice!

 

What i ment by the necromancy is that with certain rituals your able to contact the realm of the dead, i believe someone did something along these lines where they used it for murder trails before the art was abolished by perdudice mother fuckers that are, in all hounesty weak mudbloods. But otherwise under no cercumstance should he meet with his parents to get some fucking moral boost,
"oh sweety mummy and daddy love you so much, where so proud"...blah, blah, blah, waa, waa, waa. nothing worse then shit like this in stories that are set to be dark and boarderline evil harry.

 

After reading your posts The Sinner, I see what you are going to do with the twins and I await what it will look like in the end. The suicidal!harry I'm glad to hear is only going to look like in the first chapter. I think you can pull this off you seem to be good enough for the whole Deep!Harry thing you're going for.

Good Luck! :cheers:

 

Is this post-OotP or post-HBP?

I suppose it doesn't really effect how the story goes from what I can see, but I'm still curious.

I'm also assuming (from the fact that you say this is only Act 1 and not a one-shot), that Harry is going to survive the kiss...you'll need to come up with a good reason for that, not just "because he's Harry, and the rules don't apply to him"

 

Yes, there will be a reason why he survives the kiss, and its not because he is Harry and the rules do not apply to him. I hate stories where harry is like god damn Neo.

Its will be post-OoTP but I plan on incorporating some stuff from HBP... though not really sure what. Characters and background history most likely.

 

If you have background history please dont make young Tom RIddle Devil Incarnate make him struggle and not an evil thing from birth...J.K.RE screwed any believability when she did that. Also no Horcruxes, I look forward to you story.

 

Horcruxes are definetely out of the question. I hated that concept of immortality. Surely someone as powerful as Voldemort could come up with a better way to live forever.
If there is Voldemort background history it won't be plot significant, like a way to defeat him, but more along the lines of a way for the characters to understand him more then just a killer.

 

Good thank you, your story could shape out, if you keep how it's going the same and have a reasonable reason he survived the kiss, a great story.

 

Here is what I wrote for the Interlude with Fred and Geoge. Its just the dialogue and does not contain everything I that is in the actual interlude. I wrote the act II plotline before I wrote this, and after writing this I decided to go back and rewrite the act II plotline. Its going to be short as it needs only to explain what happens to Harry and progress the story. No fancy fillers in this act... yet.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (with a spork...)

Interlude

The soul... what a wonderous entity we all possess... it is through the soul life is provided and death is assured...
It is the grey of existence... neither of the light nor within the dark... it simply is... thus it is grey...
The soul is pure of essence... of being... tainted not by evil nor proclaimed of the righteos... the soul simply is... pure...
For every star in the night sky, for ervery shooting star and glistening moon... there is a soul...
For every soul there are a million souls...
For every milion souls there is one soul...
Grey thus pure...
The soul is near limitless and eternal...
But...
But what if one star in the night was not so...
It defied the grey of its purity and was in essence...
Dead...
It would disrupt the flow of life lest it was corrected...
Oceans would run dry... the night would be eternal and dead... life would perish lest it was corrected...
What would happen to this soul should it brush across darkness...
What would happen to this soul should it brush across evil...
The soul would cease to be pure and deny grey... it could no longer be considered a soul...
But...
It would no longer be dead...
The soul would be alive in essence... thus the flow of life would be restored... and life could flourish once more...
But the night sky would be tainted...
The taint would bring with it...
Its corruption... slowly spreading from one soul to the next... nurturing them in its impurity...
Its half life... lest it should be corrected...
The tainting of one soul...
Is worse then the river running dry...
For in the end...
It doesn't even matter...
For in the end...
We all die...
...
Lest it should be corrected...

**End dialogue**

Well, how does that sound to everybody? And just for you IP82, the end of the dialogue has some Linkin Park lyrics! You know, just because you asked :mrgreen: . When the dialogue is fully fleshed out I expect it to be a few pages long, but no longer. Its not meant to be chapter length as it is intended to create and build upon the suspense of cliffhangers and the like. Right now I'm not sure if I want to make the Interludes seperate chapters or add them to the end of the finished act. What do you suggest?

 

it sounds good as i have never heard of a story like this being attempted. just dont make harry to QQ bearish, because thats just not a compelling character trait. also, will this be going the way of a story i read where the queen dementor was a hot chick, or will this be no pairings.

 

No sexy!Dementors in this tale... and the thought is kinda of sickening...

Yes, there will be a pairing and its what saves Harry from becoming, say, another Voldemort. I just can't decide if I want to go Cho or Luna. I like both characters, but somehow I see it working more for Luna then Cho. Her character as of OoTP is underdeveloped, meaning it leaves room for her character to be taking down a dark path. Cho going down the dark path is fun and all, and its possible, but its not easy to do believably and its been used a lot. Luna would be fun to write. Any suggestions on that?

Like I said, Harry is not going to become another psychopath, and on that same note he will not become another manipulator. He is going to be out for revenge, he is going to be out for death. But he is not out to kill all mankind and he is not going to be all angsty filled and hormonal. He is going to be intelligent and philosophical. He won't fall into the bloodlust category of Harrys out there. I think the best way... or perhaps the worst way... would him being a mix of Dumbledore and Voldemort, but not a mix of Dumbledore and Voldemort. Does that make sense? Well, his character will become understood as the story progresses... now I just have to get to working on it some more.

 

Cho, ok. Luna, just no.
I personaly think Luna is disgusting, and Hermione. I can stand Ginny, if the story is REALLY good.