Where did I mess up? It's a question I'm still trying to figure out. Looking at my early work, It's blatantly visible. I used to write H/g. Nuff said.

But I had really started to think that I had gotten away from that. No more H/G. I started getting stories that were actually popular. I thought I was doing well with one of my stories on FF.net approaching a thousand reviews.

But then I come here and discover that one of my fics is on the "Awesomely bad" list. (Posted there by an Author whom I've read every single thing they've written, so I knew it wasn't just someone who disliked my fics for no readily apparent reason.)

Another of my fics was on the "Not reccomended- from borderline awful to barely readable" forum, or whatever it's called.

Both of these were recent creations of mine which I've been pouring my heart and soul into for awhile and now they feel almost... tainted to me.

The damage has been done, and now I need to fix it. my fics can be found at: www.fanfiction.net/~neopyro. For those of you with pity and writing talent, please take a look at the fics hearer to the top of the list and tell me exactly where I start to falter.

I don't want to suck. Please, will someone help me find my way to mediocrity?

-Neopyro

 

Ok,

just looking at your latest story, and picked up a couple of things already.

In line authors note?

normally, in a story, you would not make this sort of direct comment to the reader.

the punctuation at times feels. A. Bit Stilted. And. Too Broken. Up.

it doesn't always seem to flow naturally. try speaking the dialog through in your mind, and where you would pause while speaking, this is where the punctuation should go.

You have used the word Circle 11 times in just this paragraph, (including one spelt sircle)

possible rewording of this para is:

Hope that is of some help to begin with.

AJ

 

btw, that is from "Too Much Time on My Hands"

 

Personally, I like "Malleability". I'm following it regularly, even though Harry became a bit too superish in the latest chapters. It doesn't seem there'll be any conflict left in this story at all.

As for "Too much time", I've dumped it as soon as I've seen ultra!super!friends! connection between the Ministry crew. Now that's just lame, not to mention morally wrong (you're taking the freedom of choice from the innocent babies).

Nonjon later posted an excerpt from that story (at least I think it's that story) that made me sick... something about Harry and Hermione bathing naked and Hermione's mum basically cheering them on. I mean, I'm all out for slaughter and mayhaym, but this; This is just wrong on too many levels for me to handle.

 

I got many complaints about that particular bit. I also got many compliments. It's weird and I ended up getting cheered on by fans the entire way. It was actually a reader suggestion that I modified. He had said that I didn't put enough of my humor in, yadda yadda yadda. Next thing I know, I'm getting complaints about Hermione's mother being a child molester and I wasn't sure how I got there.

I think my problem is that I live for reviews. Seeing that number rising every week and all those comments going straight to my email make me happy. Even those little two word things like "good job" and "keep going." Maybe I'm selling out a bit by doing what my fans want...

So maybe ff.net is my issue. I need to post somewhere with a more intelligent atmosphere to get intelligent commentary. That'd probably be here, right?

I really don't know what I need, but asking for help is a start. It really hurt to see my fic get panned so badly, but at least I see why.

I need to figure out where to go from here.

 

don;t write for reviews, write for yourself.

If people like the fic then they will review.

if not, then no amount of changing will reverse their position, it will just inflate their ego that you are in effect writing their story for them.

 

From what I read just now of Malleability, your writing style isn't exactly poor from any point of view. There are a lot of fics that are lauded over here that are technically less well crafted than yours. Your ideas in that fic at least (having not read the others) are responably fresh, and I've only ever seen one or two other fics dealing with similar stuff.

I guess what jumped out me was really...the lack of something jumping out at me in terms of style in particular. Your story-telling is very good, it generally conveys what's happening pretty eloquently, and there were never moments when it was unclear what you were trying to say, something that's certainly a good thing. However, there wasn't something definitive about the style that would make me think, 'yes, this is definitely Neopyro's fic' if I had to pick it out of a bunch of others either, and personally that's where I'd focus the most on improving. It's really difficult to get a distinctive style and way of using words that makes people stop and look back and think 'well damn that's a nice description', and often a really captivating writing style can more than make up for any number of clichés used. It's one of the reason that fics like S'Tarkan's 'Nightmares' don't really keep me hooked, because although technically very good the style just doesn't have any life in it.

The best recommendation I have towards improving is to look at how other writers do it. Pick a fic you love, and try and single out what feature is best in it, be it characterisation, dialogue, plot, writing style, or description, and then just got back through it with a fine tooth comb, raking out everything you can get. I've often found in the past that some of the best times to write are after finishing a book, when you've become so immersed in it that you unconsciously take on the style, and then when you're writing some of the stuff the author's done really comes alive. Of course, you can only really do that in practice, but if it helps you then its worth it.

Like others have said, you probably don't want to be writing for reviews either. That's not likely to help your plot any, because reviewers can't see what your overriding storyline is like. If you've got problems then setting up a thread here is pretty useful, because the crits are usually blunt and honest rather than another 'yay plz updaet soon' from FF.net. Have a look at what people say, and take what you think is useful from it, I guess.

 

Lots of good feedback. Thanks all of you! I figure I've got enough feedback here to really get going. Once I finish my two current projects, I think I will have enough stuff to start planning my next fic. I might attempt a challenge here, or maybe make my first attempt at turning Harry evil. It's pretty hard to find a logical justification for that save blatant OOCness.

Allright. Thanks much. If anyone has any other suggestions, I'll still check this forum.

 

I find if you're aiming to get reviews you often end up getting less. Just write what you want to write and if you do it well, people notice that more (admittedly I've been lucky and people find my stuff interesting but it's simply more personally rewarding this way). Trying to appeal to a broad audience usually fails but coming up with your own interesting idea and nurturing it into the story you want to tell has a decent shot of gaining a large audience.

Reading over your stuff, it seems like you wrote it out once and maybe re-read it only a couple times. That repetition of the word 'circle' in the paste above is practically comical. A few things that peeved me where the use of all caps for screaming, occasional instance where we hear specific thoughts, often offset with single quotes instead of double quotes, section breaks where you seem to need to introduce and explain things like (-----back in the future-----).

A lot of readers won't care much about things like grammar errors, typoes, and slightly irritating things like those I mentioned. But some will, and it's not so much about demanding perfection or professionalism in a hobby like fanfiction, but the sort of respect you have for your work to take the time to do things within standard conventions. When you essentially cheat and use these elements you're not letting the story unfold as much as reasserting the author's importance and losing some of that immersion. It's the same with inserting an author's note in the middle of a paragraph. A reader will get the facts stated plainly at the expense of a flowing passage.

Like a section break and a clearly specified new location. You should be able to make the same assertion through the story without needing to state it. But if you do want to state it, it looks much better using an actual horizontal rule (which I'm faking here but you get the idea):

_________________________________________________
March 25th, 1997 - Number Four Privet Drive

versus

----------Back, in the future that's also the past--------------

Putting the effort into presentation like that shows that it matters to you, and is a better indication that you care about your fic (as opposed to simply yourself).

As for content, that's all up to the story you want to tell. I still maintain Hermione's mum commenting on the size of a six-year-old's penis is disconcerting, but oftentimes that sort of fringe sexual deviancy/perversion stuff will get you more reviews, which may be what you want to write.

You write about a dark mysterious Harry with lots of Ginny-bashing and him standing up for himself and you will probably get a fair amount of fans and accolades from around this forum. You write about Harry and Ginny and true love, you'll get a completely different audience. Same thing if you aim for angst and slash. It's not like any particular one will automatically get more reviews than the others, or even hold the average reader's interest. Certainly feel free to float your ideas around here and there are lots of critical eyes who will offer blunt, honest feedback on what they think works or doesn't, and help you to improve.

The fact that you didn't run away screaming, or snap back in frustration but asked for help is an excellent sign. I haven't really searched to see how "badly panned" you were, but even the flames and ripping into fics offer insight into where you can improve.

Don't feel your early stuff is 'tainted' simply because some DLP members didn't care for it. Learn from what worked and didn't so you can be prouder of the next one.

 

Thanks for the tips everyone. I already have a bit of an idea starting to grow in my brain. Pretty soon I'll harvest it, bottle it and let it stew in its own juices for awhile. Once it looks like the cork is gonna blow and Malleability is finished up, I'll let it loose. Maybe I'll actually get a beta reader. Who knows?

 

I remember reading "Too Much Time On My Hands" a while back and, while the whole sending-yourself-back-for-another-chance thing is a little old, I have to hand it to you; you did it in a way that really kept me interested. I like how you kept it from getting too pretty and perfect by injecting bits of the first reality. Just keep a leash on Harry so he doesn't get too powerful and it could be really good.

"Malleability," on the other hand, was a little over-done. As far as the plot is concerned, I think Harry got way too powerful in way to short an amount of time. Once he can do pretty much anything, there isn't much room left for conflict. (I speak from experience; this is a problem I find myself having a lot. ) Furthermore, it wasn't drawn out nearly enough. Everything seemed a bit too easy. He just conveniently runs right into the Unspeakable, goes away without asking any questions, isn't the least bit suspicious when they start feeding him unknown substances...and it all happened in three chapters. There was plenty of "what" happened, and "how" it happened, but not enough "why."