I am so ashamed that that made me smile.

 

^ I know, isn't it great?

-

I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going.

They replied, "Can't complain."

-

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

-

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

-

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.

-

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

-

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

 

How do prisoners make phone calls? They use their cell phones.
---
How do Kiwis find sheep in long grass? Delightful.
---
What is neither fair nor right? A gin's left tit.
---
Is it ok to dislike some races? I like the 5k more than the 10k. The 10k has too many whities in it.
---
Roses are Red
Violets are Glorious
Don't sneak up on
Oscar Pristorius

 

I used to think living with erectile dysfunction would be hard, but it's not.

 

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Levictus 20:13 esc]

Step 1: Get stoned
Step 2: Lay with man

 

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...

And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

 

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug, unfortunately it looks like Apple beat me to it.

Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

-

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle.

He had serious selfie steam issues.

-

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit.

-

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

-

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

-

Someone asked me how dark my humour is, I said, "Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back."

 

r/askreddit thread about dumb jokes. It's fucking gold. Top comment:

Ahhhh I'm fuckin dying

 

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae.

-

Is it wrong to hate a specific race?

Because I really hate marathons.

-

The only thing that flat earthers fear... is sphere itself.

-

I've been clean for 45 days now.

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get through it.

-

My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people let him in.

-

Why are Catholic priests called "Father?"

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious.

 

Here's one -

Once, there was an old old man who sat at the front of his porch every day, minding his own business. He watched as kids walked by and went to school, parents headed off to work, and just the normal everyday goings of life.

One day, however, a teenage boy walks by - not holding books or anything, but chicken wire. The old man frowns and asked the kid, 'Boy, what're you gonna do with that there chicken wire?'

The kid just shrugs and smiles before hefting up the wire, grinning all the while.
'Imma catch me some chickens!'

The old man just laughs at the boy's stupidity and waves him off.
'Go! Get on out of here!'

So the kid leaves and the old man enjoys the rest of his day on the front porch. But towards the end, right before he goes inside for the night to make some dinner, he sees the kid - and sees that in each hand, the boy's clutching onto several dead roosters.

The old man just scoffs it off and heads inside, not thinking a thing about it.

The next morning, it's the same. Normal people going by on their way to do their business, and then he sees the kid - this time he has duct tape in his hands, instead of chicken wire.

'Boy!', the old man cries out, a frown marring his weathered features - 'What're you gonna do with that there duct tape?'

The kid just shrugs and grins, skipping down the street as he does.
'Imma go catch me some ducks today!'

Once more the old man shakes his head, utterly bewildered at the strange child. But once more the boy comes day the end of the street at the end of the day, holding several ducks in his hand.

On the next day, it happens again. But instead of wire or duct tape, the kid has some loose twigs and branches. The old man laughs at the boy before speaking, mocking him all the while.
'What are you gonna catch today, huh? Trees? Some bushes?'

And while he laughs the kid just frowns, shaking his head.
'Sir, this ain't wire or tape, but it's the next best thing! It's pussy willow!'

The old man just stands up in surprise, running into his house in that next second.

'Hold on, lemme get my boots!'

 

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "They have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

 

Why can Christmas be such an emotional time?

Spoiler

Because everyone gets Santa-mental

 

George Bush Sr. Passed away and began enjoying his time in heaven.

He had always been fascinated by the story of Moses and set out in search of the great prophet.

Finding the man dressed in robes and sitting beneath a tree. Bush ask Moses to tell him about his life story.

Moses just stared at Bush and did not say a word. Despite how much Bush begged and pleaded, Moses said nothing.

Bush walked away dejectedly and bumped into St Peter. He shared what happened and Peter just shook his head sadly,

“Can you blame him? The last time Moses talked to a bush he spent 40 years in the desert!”

 

Terrific lol.

Two guys walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have an H-2-O". The second says "I'll have an H-2-O too." The second guy died.

 

I hate it when people don't know to type your or you're. There so stupid.

 

An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they told me.

 

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift.

 

Also applies to people who vape. Vapers I guess?

 

Why could only the true king pull the sword from the stone?

Spoiler

Nobody else had the Arthurization.

 

Why was the anti-vaxxer's four-year-old crying?

Spoiler

Midlife crisis.