Abandoned Across Dimensions: Parting Reality's Veil by Taliath - T - Naruto

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by Kardikek, Feb 9, 2008.

  1. Kardikek

    Kardikek Groundskeeper

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    Title: Across Dimensions: Parting Reality's Veil
    Author: Taliath
    Rating: T
    Chapters: 9
    Words: 65,653
    FFN - Updated: September 27, 2009
    DLP - Updated: May 14, 2010
    Published: May 25, 2008
    Summary: AU/AD. Namikaze Naruto has led a charmed life under the protection of the Fourth Hokage. But now, after sacrificing himself for his home, he finds himself waking up in an entirely new world, surrounded by a village that despises him.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4277029/1/

    DLP Link: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=8575

    A fic written by our very own androgynous member, liath. Simply put, it's quite amazing. A strong Naruto from a different dimension... why am I even doing this? Obviously every Naruto fan on these forums has read the fic.

    One last thing.

    UPDATE LIATH. :awesome


    Merged posts go in chronological order... so I had to copy/paste this here. -- Sree


    Plusses to you! There is such a massive shortage of stories of your style and quality. It's off to a very good start and I only hope you won't fall into the same pitfalls as 99% of the other stories.

    Hoping to read about what happens in the "real" Naruto world. :D
    Though, why haven't you posted it up with the rest of your work? Grammar wise it needs very little polishing and it seems ready.


    Checked: June 9, 2012
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2012
  2. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

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    No reason in reviewing until there is real content.
    This is just the start.
    No glaring issues I must say, do continue on.
     
  3. LogrusMage

    LogrusMage Supreme Mugwump

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    Fucking awesome premise. I'll give a long review once I see how you handle the canon Uni.
     
  4. doc_gerbil

    doc_gerbil Sixth Year

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    just a couple of lines where i think the you took it too seriously. Like, "shall we dance?", and, "a true taijitsu dance", but, overall pretty good.

    4/5 for now.
     
  5. Oz

    Oz The Big Kahuna Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Are there gonna be two Naruto's running around in the canon world? Considering their completely different attitudes, it'd be interesting to see what they think of each other. Update please?
     
  6. Kardikek

    Kardikek Groundskeeper

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    Weee!

    I suggest you skip the jutsu in parenthesis in english bit. It breaks the flow of the story and most people who read Naruto have gotten used to them anyway like name suffixes. Some authors put a compiled list of all the used jutsus at the end of the chapter along with the translation though once again, unless you're including tons of invented stuff it shouldn't be necessary.

    The parts where you mentioned death god stomachs was strange to me. Like he was really going to eat someone up. A minor thing of course but I think it'd fit better with the the somewhat serious feel of this chapter to use some other imagery.

    "The forbidden scroll". Heh I get the feel of what you're trying to do, avoiding stupidity of canon. May I humbly suggest that you put less emphasis on the "the" of the forbidden scroll? Having a scroll with all the villages secret jutsus is such a dumb plotdevice. It would be funny if Naruto actually realized what it was, say, a page off some restricted ANBU depository or something off his father's personal stash. Even hint back at it later on for some comedic effect. /shrug

    Yours is.. the second or third fic I've ever read where it's not merely someone travelling to an alternate dimension but actually posessing whatever was there in the first place. And it was good, inspiring too. Maybe the native Kyuubi even put in more of a fight than what was shown there?

    Also a first time where a posession leads to physical changes. Though my feelings are a bit more muted in that regard. It can easily be excused as a result of Kyuubi's insane powers. Was there a reason as to why a height/clothes and jewellery change was necessary to the plot? Just out of curiosity.

    All in all, an inspired plotdevice for the Kyuubi to have another Naruto and another Kyuubi pay the price of the Shiki Fuin, just the sort of thing an overwhelmingly powerful overlord would do to save his own skin :D

    Regarding the characters there's not much to say yet as it's a canon situation with canon characters. Naruto does a passable job of acting confused. Should be interesting to see how you write his reactions further along.


    Just the kind of cockiness we love!
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2008
  7. Raijin

    Raijin Slug Club Member

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    Not so sure what Naruto's thinking trying to fake him always having been that way in a village full of ninja. Hope this thought is just a temporary thing. In addittion to that wasting a Jounin in a Genin role seems kinda stupid.
     
  8. LogrusMage

    LogrusMage Supreme Mugwump

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    Please make him realize he's in an AU fast. I hate when characters dilly dally for ten chapters because they haven't realized what's going on yet...

    Anyway, good chapter.
     
  9. Kardikek

    Kardikek Groundskeeper

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    Many plus points for more originality. We were finally introduced to the basic premise of this fic.
    To become strong enough to control the full potential of Kyuubi's powers and through that overpower the death god. It'll be interesting to read how these alternate dimensions and raising the dead jutsus will work out for you, because Uzumaki Naruto is if I understood it correctly as dead as you get. I just hope you can balance the powers involved so that you don't end up with a Namikaze Naruto able to Shiki Fuin at will or have the death god as his own sock puppet. Powerlevels of that magnitude never end up well..

    One thing that stands out though, despite you mentioning it.. The only difference I can imagine differing the combined powers of the Naruto and Kyuubi from either worlds is that one Naruto is weaker than the other. But even so, that difference pales in comparison to the massive powerhouse that is the Kyuubi. So I don't know, realistically both Kyuubis should be able to overpower the death god and use another Naruto as sacrifice in an infinite loop. Unless of course it has something to do with Namikaze Naruto being sealed differently or him being more in touch with Kyuubi's full potential.

    Anyway, characterisations were fine again. Though as we're still dealing with a very confused but intelligent Naruto, which you've done well by the way, isn't enough to get a good feel of his personality. Eagerly awaiting more characterization.

    4.5/5 for now.
     
  10. Mage Ronin

    Mage Ronin Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Wow. what a wonderful read. I like your characterization of Namikaze Naruto. and your Kyuubi is the way it should have been done by that Uchiha-wannabe Kishi. Your story is very realistic and innovative. I haven't seen a fic like this in a while.

    4.8/5
     
  11. Seven-Nights

    Seven-Nights Squib

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    I don't know what to say, this is probably the most interesting Naruto fic I've read in some time. What a way to breath some fresh air into my Naruto fanfiction interest. I'd review and rate it, but not until you get past the genin teams, because sometimes the greatest ideas start strong but fail somewhere along the line, mostly around the Wave Arc and Chuunin exams. Keep it up, I'll be keeping an eye on this story for a while.
     
  12. Narf

    Narf Administrator Admin DLP Supporter

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    Dude. Liath. You are my hero. I will never call you a girl again.

    This is a huge breath of fresh air, after reading all the shit on ff.net. A strong Naruto, but not incredibly strong, and a good reason for his strength as well. Thank god. Well written, I never cringed once. I love it. This is easily one of the best beginnings to a Naruto fic I've ever read.

    Please don't abandon it. :p
     
  13. CGB

    CGB Auror

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    Very, very good story. Easily the best fic I've read in the last few weeks, if not months. As Sree, I hope you won't abandon it.
    Just one question, are you going to upload this to FF.Net?
     
  14. Kardikek

    Kardikek Groundskeeper

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    Okay so I'm nitpicking but damn you kept asking for views on characterization. Yatta there makes him sound like a little girl or a 5 year old. :p
    Actually, how do you view your Namikaze Naruto anyway? Personality of an 11 year old? Of a 20 year old? Of an 11 year old pretending to be a 20 year old but somewhat failing?
     
  15. Narf

    Narf Administrator Admin DLP Supporter

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    Nicely done. Though the sake part still bothers me, as I stated in IRC. :p
     
  16. CGB

    CGB Auror

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    Really great! Ingenious idea to get the summoning contract this way. I also like it, that the Sandaime isn't as stupid as often portrayed and does suspect Naruto.
     
  17. Chime

    Chime Dark Lord

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    Impressed, is all I can say.

    Though, it is a little difficult to swallow that the Sandaime would even consider Naruto capable of stealing from an A-Rank warehouse. A spy, yes. A spy pretending to be Naruto, yes. But Naruto himself? I seriously doubt it.
     
  18. doc_gerbil

    doc_gerbil Sixth Year

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    good show mate. really happy you made the fox an asshole. It makes sense that an immortal fox would require more than 16 years to warm up to a mortal. like the idea of the real uzumaki naruto in hell. keep it up.
     
  19. tao

    tao Backtraced

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    is alright. But make it a starcraft crossover and it will kick ass.

    Seriously.
     
  20. Narf

    Narf Administrator Admin DLP Supporter

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    What?

    Shut the fuck up, tao. Jeez.