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Harry Potter and the Rise of the Amphiptere by Lord Supremo - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Lord Supremo, May 15, 2006.

  1. Lord Supremo

    Lord Supremo Second Year

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    Title: Harry Potter and the Rise of the Amphiptere
    Author: Lord Supremo
    Rating: M
    Pairing: H/Many
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Abused at home the summer after OotP, Harry snaps. Tired of life on the run, Harry decides to hide in plain sight and learns the truth about the Prophecy. Features Dark!Aristocrat!Harry, Manipulative!Dumbledore, and HarryMany
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2939305/1/

    I finally got around to finishing a chapter of this story. Only the prologue is up so far, and it's short, but please read what I've got so far and review!
     
  2. Lord Osiris

    Lord Osiris Auror

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    You got a good start going on here, i think it would of been far more suitable for Vernon to go out in a blazing amount of pain and burning flesh, but i suppose plain and simple was kinda fitting. Get anopther few chapters up soon then i should be able to give you a far better review.
     
  3. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

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    That was not so good a start. It's not so much your writing or anything like that, but that you had Vernon abuse him for NO REASON.

    That's what so many depressed!Harry stories have. Harry taking it and getting his ass handed to him for no reason.

    Sure, you had Harry kill him, but he was abused like hell.

    Find another reason to kill Vernon, not that he was abused. Maybe he was defiling his family name, hid his letters from him, or something.
     
  4. Cell

    Cell Gunner of The Black Poison DLP Supporter

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    Harry got beaten up by Blunt objects everyday.But What does he do in return.Killing but no torturing.should've tortured that Elephant,castrate him,sodomize with the 9 iron(shudders),beheaded him.Done deal right there.

    I like the sound of Dark Harry.Hope he shies away from his Gryffindork friends.
     
  5. Niffler Lord

    Niffler Lord Headmaster

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    Its an ok start but a little too short.
     
  6. CGB

    CGB Auror

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    It's a promising start and I'll following it.
     
  7. Void Sorcerer

    Void Sorcerer Groundskeeper

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    This is a very interesting start, and though I would perfer Harry to have done at least had a little fun with his uncle before he killed him, the AK seemed appropriate. I will probably need another chapter or two before I can say for sure but it seems to be going a good place.
     
  8. MysterioX

    MysterioX Professor

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    The chapter is good and interesting but would have been much better if it was a bit more. Update soon
     
  9. Lord Supremo

    Lord Supremo Second Year

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    First off thanks to everyone who reviewed the first bit of my story. To address your concerns:

    Yes, this is a short prologue. I plan on making the chapters about 7-10 pages each (prologue was just a little over 2, for comparison)

    About torturing Vernon: Harry considered it (I alluded to the Crutiatus with "With another [word], he could return all that Uncle Vernon had inflicted upon him, and then some.") but decides that the case for self-defense is a lot harder to make if you torture your alleged attacker first. In this fic, Harry does not instantly go dark, there will be a slow evolution that takes place.

    I can see why Vernon's abuse of Harry might seem sudden, but think about it this way: Prior to recieving his Hogwarts letter, for the entirety Harry's life at Privet Drive he was beaten, starved, and neglected by the Dursleys. Then, when came back after his first year, they didnt beat him anymore, but Petunia swung a frying pan at his head, and Vernon threatens to beat him. After the Aunt Marge incident, however, the Dursleys realized that they couldnt get away with pissing Harry off anymore, so they left him alone. But in the summer before 5th year, Vernon showed that certain stimuli (Mundungus' Apparition, the Dementor attack) could lead him to hurt Harry again (Harry was strangled twice the day of the attack). I think that the public humiliation brought upon Vernon by the Order qualifies as a stimulus to restart the major abuse.

    As far as Harry's "Griffindork" friends are concerned, Harry will be ditching Ron and most of the Weasleys, but contrary to popular belief, I think Hermione is more loyal to Harry than she is to authority figures and the rules, so she will stay. I don't particularly like Neville, so expect to see him killed sometime soon. Look for the rest of the Gryffindor 6th years to play minor roles, including a few trysts. I think that rounds out the Gryffindors, so I hope that answers your question. Harry will be consorting with Slytherins (big hint who in the next chapter) and some OCs.

    Speaking of the next chapter, I wrote another page of it yesterday and am working on it more today, so it should be finished today or tomorrow. Its mostly going to be a "get Harry from plot point A to plot point B"-type chapter, and admittedly, contains a few cliches, but it does establish some elements that will be key later, so bear with it.

    Thanks again for reviewing!
    Lord Supremo
     
  10. Lord Supremo

    Lord Supremo Second Year

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    Just so everyone knows, chapter one is now up!
     
  11. Element

    Element Seventh Year

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    Well, just read and I enjoyed it. Not too sure why though - I mean, its not badly written at all, far from it. Just a couple of problems;
    1. Dumbledores letter telling Harry that he could not send or receive any mail except that which had been screened by the Headmaster and sent with Fawkes. While this letter sets the beginning and motivation of an Independent or Dark Harry, I'm not seeing the point of Dumbledore doing this. The motivation, if you wish. Dumbledore is apparently manipulative, not a fool. I'm just thinking that even if he had reason to do this, I'm sure it could have been more cunning.

    2. Grand Moff Tarkin on the potential of the Death Star. You reckon Harry will have managed to see Star Wars? I'm not too sure.

    3. I thought the power seduced him awfully quickly, but hey, you say it'll be a slow descent into darkness so I guess it didn't seduce him that much. By the way, don't drag out this descent into darkness too much, it'll get awfully tedious IMO.

    4. I thought the general politeness of Hopkirks letter was hilarious, considering the circumstances. Nice one.

    5. Tevye. You reckon he will have read the stories, or watched Fiddler on the Roof?

    6. 49-1 Trial win. No Death Eaters/Voldemort sympathisers in the Wizengamot, not one? Bit strange, considering that to my memory, Harry only just won in his first trial with the two Dementors in OotP (?). Still, perhaps the sympathisers thought that if they had voted with Fudge, it would have been obvious.

    7. Fudge, usually portrayed as a bumbling fool. I don't know. I figure that he must at least be a decent politician in order to be the Minister of Magic. Don't you think that, having seen the overwhelming support of Harry in the trial, he would have voted for him? IMO, he'll jump on any bandwagon if he thinks it'll get him support.

    8. What Harry inherits. Seriously, does he really need all that? Just a little tired of Harry being a billionaire trillionaire whatever Bill Gates guy. It'll all be perfect however, if you make him use the things he inherits to his advantage. Creatures from the Zoo would make pretty decent fighters in a battle...

    9. Albus Dumbledore was glaring down at him with a look of utmost fury on his face. Not recalling any moment in which Albus ever looks at him with utmost fury. Its just not the way he works. Subtle, sometimes firm, reprimandment, perhaps. Albus Dumbledore is not one to lose control of his emotions, practically ever IMO.

    I know I've brought up quite a few points, but I did enjoy it, honest. Just think it could be a lot better. Looking forward to the Dark!Aristocratic Harry, and meetings with Blaise. Although I hope we don't become drowned in politics - a lot of people like it, but not my thing. Keep it up.
     
  12. Lord Supremo

    Lord Supremo Second Year

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    Thanks a lot for the thoughts, Element, you've made a lot of good points.

    The letter from Dumbledore, yes, is a touch...random, and none too sly, either, but you'll see why he sent it within the next two chapters.

    I'm going to build a lot of foundation for Harry's descent, so it will be slow in that way, but once it truly starts, it will be very snappy.

    Great point on the Wizengamot, that totally slipped my mind, although you do have to remember the goblin influence. If goblins threatened Dark families with forclosure on their fortunes if they voted against Harry, he'd win pretty soundly.

    I honestly don't think Fudge is that great of a politician. For starters, I'm pretty sure I remember Hagrid complaining about him in Sorcerors Stone, and how he only got the job because Dumbledore turned it down. Then in GoF, something similar was said, except Fudge got elected because of Barty Crouch's son. Also, I think a skillful politician would recognize that a war is generally great for political careers; Here in America, no war-time incumbent president has ever lost office except by way of term limits, and George Bush saw his approval ratings skyrocket to 90% after 9/11. So, really, I don't think he's all that great. I guess that's just a difference of opinion, though.

    You are absolutely right that there are a lot of stories where Harry gets hella money and then he does precisely dick with it; I promise this isn't one of them. Similarly, Harry will not being going on a shopping spree in Knockturn Alley where he buys a second, custom-made, wand and enough Dark Arts artifacts to make Voldemort orgasm for a week solid. If building an army were that easy, everyone would do it.

    True, Dumbledore hasn't ever shown obvious outward agression toward Harry, but he has been known to get mighty angry with others for lesser sins than killing their Uncles and getting away with it.

    As for Harry's knowledge of pop culture? I think he may have read Fiddler on the Roof, as Dudley's second bedroom is filled with not only broken toys, but also a vast quantity of books. Maybe he hasn't seen Star Wars, though.

    Anyways, thanks a lot for reading and putting so much into that review!
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2006
  13. Element

    Element Seventh Year

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    Not a problem.
    You are right about the goblins threatening their families, thats certainly possible but they slipped my mind since they didn't appear to have too much a role in that chapter (Stay calm, Harry). Problem is; Those families could discreetly inform Fudge about threats, and the goblins would never know who it was. Fudge would then attempt to revoke goblins' rights/laws/something, and a civil war or revolt would seem pretty likely. Alternatively, Fudge would know that the goblins had too much power in the economy and would do nothing.

    Fair enough about Fudge, it was just that the 49-1 contrast seemed awfully..contrasting.
    Its good to hear that Harry will actually do something with his inheritance, although I can't imagine what he would do with all that right now. Good that he won't be going on a shopping spree as well.
    Can't really think of anything else to bring up right now, but I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
     
  14. Sepanto

    Sepanto Groundskeeper

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    It has been said that 49-1 is senseless. i believe more believeable would have been 40-10. Despite this, i loved this chapter, do continue
     
  15. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    good story so far. i enjoy reading it. but why should harry stay at TLC? he owns lots of places...
     
  16. MysterioX

    MysterioX Professor

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    :cheers: to Fem!Blaise. Hermione siding with Harry's ok, but please no Harry/Hermione. Just try to avoid as many cliches as possible and you will do fine.
     
  17. Lord Supremo

    Lord Supremo Second Year

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    Harry's idea to stay at the Leaky Cauldron was born mostly as a function of his overloaded mind than a wish for any permanence. Had he thought it out, Harry would have planned to stay at the Leaky Cauldron for a night, and review his documents in the morning to find out how to get to either Alphard's Atoll or the Black Castle, and then he would probably move there.

    As for Harry/Hermione, I haven't yet decided what their relationship will be, other than Hermione will stick with Harry through thick and thin in this fic. I have a feeling that they may either go out for a period of time and decide they're better off as friends or have a drunken one-nighter that they agree to never talk about, but it will really depend on what mood I'm in when I get there. You needn't worry about sudden declarations of love or chapters filled with "smoldering" looks between the two, though, I find fics like that just plain silly.

    I will try to avoid cliches as much as possible, but some are unavoidable, and some will be neccesary. Look for a completely different (I've never read this, anyways) reasoning behind Harry's mistrust for and eventual split with Dumbledore.
     
  18. CGB

    CGB Auror

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    I liked your new chapter. Everything I can think of what was not so good in this chapter was already stated so I'll not repeat them. I hope you update soon.
     
  19. Fuegodefuerza

    Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

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    Why in God's name must everyone make Hermione Harry's friend? I mean, good Lord! Almost every AU fic has Harry friends of some sort with Hermione, and about 3/4 of all other stories have that also, and probably 1/2 of the remaining are SLASH! FUCKIN' A!

    Oopsie, I guess you see how much I absolutely detest Hermione's character from that rant there. :oops:

    Anyways, good start so far. Once it becomes more developed and intricate, I will be able to decide how good it really is. At the moment, if you want to know my feelings on the current state of your story, read Element's critique.
     
  20. MysterioX

    MysterioX Professor

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    Fuegod, I too hate the annoying bit@h she's everywhere but if the author has already made up his mind to keep them as friends....
    I see that you have decided them at least on shag :puke: just leave it at that. Just don't see what you see in her.