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Oneshot Harry Potter Mercenary by DobbyElfLord, M, One Shot, HP/DG

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by Bratling, Sep 18, 2008.

  1. Goddessa39

    Goddessa39 DA Member

    Joined:
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    My Mind, Earth
    Not too bad. Could be worse.4/5 worth. Will give it 5 for being done... even though its a one-y.
     
  2. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Jan 3, 2008
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    6,193
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    Washington, D.C.
    Everytime I think you're saying a lot about something, I realize it's mostly your sig >_>
     
  3. reggin

    reggin Filthy Half-Breed DLP Supporter

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    It was an alright fic, had a couple angsty moments, but then again, good 15 minute killer. 4/5
     
  4. DobbyElfLord

    DobbyElfLord Muggle

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2008
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    Location:
    Just over the horizon
    I want to thank everyone for their comments, both good and bad. I find them helpful. If you want bad writing, go back and read the first story I started posting.

    I wanted to write an Azkaban fic but the whole concept is a complete cliche. Starting with the standard cliche and moving it to my own place was a lot of fun.

    It is amusing in the reviews how serious we take our favorite characters. The Hermione lovers or haters were all over the H/P pairing. Others loved the fact Ron wasn't the cliche ass in this one.

    The next chapter of Destinies should be up by next Wednesday, but work has been slowing down my writing time.

    Thanks,
    DEL
     
  5. Sorrows

    Sorrows Queen of the Flamingos Moderator

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    DobbyElfLord! your back! we thought we had scared you off.

    Now go and get writing.
     
  6. dragon_89

    dragon_89 Squib

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2007
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    15
    Location:
    Cape Town
    Just read the story - I like it :awesome

    however, there are some minor spelling mistakes..... :banana:

    I'm :whipped:
     
  7. Knox

    Knox The Last Remnant DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2006
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    1,087
    Location:
    At the crossroad where the demon lies. Waiting to
    ...

    (Tosses a rape kit courtesy of Sarah Palin to Dragon 89, That will be 50 dollars.)
     
  8. Mindless

    Mindless Big Boss DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    Yes.

    [23:46] <Mindless> ..
    [23:46] <Mindless> Why does this person even post?
    [23:47] <Mindless> He managed to use a smiley in every single line.
    [23:47] <Mindless> Which I just don't approve of.
     
  9. Helltanz98

    Helltanz98 Professor

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    Maybe because of the reminder to post, maybe just cause he's an asshole, I reiterate this was pretty decent up until the end.
     
  10. failinggradstudent

    failinggradstudent Squib

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2008
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    16
    I agree I think its a good story, though spelling needs more work. But the author wrote Altered Destiny, possibly one of the best time travels out there so I I had to give him some leeway. Also its different from the family friendly genre he coughs up.

    4/5

    1 for writting Balancing destiny, 3 for the fic. Yeah paper thin characters are on here, no way to go around that.
     
  11. Lophaetus Occipitalis

    Lophaetus Occipitalis First Year

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    Conneticut
    It was pretty good so far as Azkaban fics go. I had found, like those posting before me, the spelling errors annoying. However, once you look past it you have a decent fic. It was a(an?) oneshot so it's not like you had a lot of room for character developement. However I do enjoy having a clear understanding of why a person acts a certain way, for I sometimes like to speculate on what a character will do in the next chapter based on what happened in the previous.

    I still am going to give a 4/5 for spelling and character developement.
     
  12. jjack1003

    jjack1003 Second Year

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2008
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    79
    pretty nice little one shot. not bad at all

    not bad at all. pretty good story. thnx for recommendation
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2008
  13. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Put more effort into your posts.
     
  14. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    I am getting there
    I don't know, even if it was a oneshot, it felt like a complete story. Had a start, middle, and end. At least I didn't have to wait half a year for chapter 2 like i do for half the fics i have my alerts, hate it when they make a good fic and keep you waiting until there is not hope left, now thats just cruel!
     
  15. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    A sequel has been posted.

    Incredibly entertaining read for me. Good use of levity by Harry as the primary narrator, excellent characterization and more than enough neat twists that kept my interest. I'm giving it a 5/5.
     
  16. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    ... there's no Daphne in it :|

    Hmpf. I'll read that later >_>
     
  17. addictedforlife

    addictedforlife High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2010
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    577
    Just reading the sequel. Full of win. One complaint.
    He and Daphne break up. :(
    4/5.

    EDIT: Ok, but
    gets together with Gabrielle at the end. And she should be someone even Lily approves of
    With that in mind, 5/5.

    EDIT2: Btw, a Korean hitwizard? Am I the only one who was reminded of Bungle there?
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2010
  18. ASmallBundleOfToothpicks

    ASmallBundleOfToothpicks Professor

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    When I read the first one, I was disappointed that it wasn't Schlock Mercenary cross, but it was an enjoyable little piece in and of itself. I would have rated it a 3/5.

    The sequel is an improvement, for the most part. The author has fixed a lot of the errors in the first story, filled in some of the blanks, and managed to keep what the original had going for it. I actually didn't mind Hermione as neo-Umbridge and Weatherby as neo-Fudge. Hermione's motives made sense, as did Percy. I like the numerous references to jbern's work. However, this portrayal of Dumbledore sucked, like a wrinkly, pox-ridden, transsexual hooker strung out on ecstasy. Nearly every piece of cliched fanon fail I've had the misfortune stumble across has been crammed into this story's Dumbledore. Also, I found the big reveal scene utterly puerile, particularly in how Dumbles handled it. That scene was pure and utter whoreshit.

    That said, overall, I rate the sequel 3.5/5
    Not including the Fail!Dumbles, the piece is quite solid. Good rainy day reading.
     
  19. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Germany occupied Greece
    High Score:
    4495+2362
    Story was pretty cool. If not for a couple cliche moment and some (quite often) grammatical and otherwise vocabulary mistakes that were present in both stories, that would be 5/5 material. As it were, I give this a 4.
    I feel the need to point it out again, this story had some horrible moments of word butchering. I still vividly remember the Nurmburg from the sequel, which I assume was Nurmengard. And there was another that made me want to claw my eyes out, but I can't remember it :/

    EDIT: Did someone make a thread for the sequel?
     
  20. addictedforlife

    addictedforlife High Inquisitor

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    577
    Ahem... Nuremberg is a German city. South of the country. (In)Famous for the Nuremberg Laws passed by the Nazis back in 1933, and for the fact that it was the city of Nazis. Pictures of Nazi Nuremberg Rallies are pretty easily found on Google. The author wrote Nuremburg in the subtitle, and Nurmburg in the story. While that typo irritates me, I'm able to let it pass. Anyway, no Nurmengard there.
     
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