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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Humor Mill' started by Xiph0, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Administrator Admin

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    Be it one liners or tl;dr's, post 'em up. I'll start:

    :awesome
     
  2. Magus

    Magus Groundskeeper

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    Doctor Who land.
    I disavow any responsibility for these jokes.

    On the priest theme then:
    Oh, and here's one only people from the UK will probably get:

     
  3. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I lol'd. Very hard.

    Here's one that isn't really a joke, but is entertaining (and just a little creepy) nonetheless.

     
  4. artenry

    artenry Seventh Year

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    Question: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Answer
    : None. Let them cry in the dark.
     
  5. Oz

    Oz Heir to Hogwarts Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Aekiel: The pic is better. ;)

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A Carrot.
    How do monkeys make toast?
    They put bread under a gorilla.
    Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
    Because the parrots eat 'em all.
    If you are retarded and didn't get that last one... I pity you.
     
  6. Innomine

    Innomine Auror Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I didn't get the last one Oz. :(
     
  7. Necrule Paen

    Necrule Paen DLP Elite DLP Supporter

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    Pills look like nuts?

    I am not up to speed on parrot jokes.
     
  8. artenry

    artenry Seventh Year

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    Disorder In The Court

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ___________________________


    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WTNES: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ___________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh....

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ___________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
  9. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Okay, so... artenry, I lol'd.
     
  10. Narf

    Narf Administrator Admin DLP Supporter

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    Some of those were hilarious.



    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    :awesome
     
  11. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery Prestige

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    That was lulz. Although, sadly, he could have been referring to Oral Roberts.
     
  12. Methene

    Methene Auror

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    Don't know if this will actually translate well into English, actually, but I'll give it a try. For the holidays, really.

    A child in a desolate community, with an abusive father, a poor mother and a starving brother, spend his night, huddled around the sole candle the family could afford, his pen scribbling furiously on paper.

    Dear Santa,

    I have been really good, and I don't have any toys and I really wish I could have some. Could you please give me a train, a toy car and a chocolate.

    I beg you Santa,

    Ron

    Forming the courage, Ron walked to the post office, the letter written on collected parchment addressed plainly, To Santa. Uneducated in the protocols of the Post Office, he simply looked at the lady behind the counter and slipped it to her, running away afterwards. The lady opened it, called all her colleagues from their knitting and read the heart wrenching tale of poor Ron who had no toys.

    Infused with the spirit of Christmas, the post office employees gathered whatever money they could spare and bought the poor boy a toy train and car, handing them to his sobbing mother. They did not have enough money left for the chocolate, however. Naturally, after Christmas, Ron wrote a thank you letter, once again, delivering it personally.

    Dear Santa,

    Thank you very much for the train and the car. They are super! I know you got me a chocolate too, but those bitches at the post office probably ate it.

    Ron Weasley

    It turned a bit long, but hopefully entertaining. Weasley bashing not present in Romanian joke, added, compliments from me.
     
  13. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Administrator Admin

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    Fuck I lol'd so hard.
     
  14. MrINBN

    MrINBN Unspeakable

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    So, this guy is sitting at a bar and he starts telling a Polish joke. The guy next to him says, "Hey buddy, I don't think you wanna finish that sentence."

    The first guy, we'll call him Bob, says, "Oh? Why not?"

    The second guy says, "Because I'm polish," and flexes.

    Bob just ignores him and starts the joke again. The second guy, getting pissed, calls his four sons into the room. "Do you really want to finish that joke," he asks with an evil looking grin.

    "No, not really," Bob replies.

    "Why not?"

    "Because I don't want to explain it five times."
     
  15. Azrael's Little Helper

    Azrael's Little Helper High Inquisitor

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    Q) Whats the difference between a speed bump and a Maori?

    A) A speed bump has a job.
     
  16. Oz

    Oz Heir to Hogwarts Moderator DLP Supporter

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    >.< FFS...
    Paracetamol sounds like Parrots eat 'em all.
    Artenry: Fukken lawl. XD

    Kinda Dubliner jokes, but can be applied everywhere.

    How do you know a north-sider's having an orgasm?

    She drops her chips.

    How do you know a south-sider's having an orgasm?

    She drops her accent.

    What separates man from beast?

    The River Liffey.

    What do you call a north-sider in a car?

    A joyrider.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2008
  17. Iztiak

    Iztiak Heir

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    Ditto. That one made me laugh more than anything else so far in this thread.
     
  18. Jangel

    Jangel Earl of Someshit

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    Normal fucking people don't call it Paracetamol, you obese Irish tub of adipose.
     
  19. Oz

    Oz Heir to Hogwarts Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Normal people don't get so pissy over a kid's joke.
     
  20. Jangel

    Jangel Earl of Someshit

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    Normal people don't make such stupid jokes. >_>