The Joke Thread

Goddamit Matt.

 

Someone with a sense of humor?

 

"Doctor, did my surgery succeed?" Asks the waking patient.

"Yes, I congratulate you - you're a woman now! Both in body and soul!"

"What?! I came here for appendicitis removal!"

"Ah, you, women are never satisfied with anything!"

 

Three men and a woman find themselves on a deserted island after a plane crash. After a rough start they work out the basics of survival.

Six months in, everybody starts getting really horny. They work out a system where every week they alternate which man spends time with the lady.

For three years all is well. Then the woman dies.

The first week was ok.

The second awful.

The third unbearable.

By the fourth week they finally had to bury her.

 

My wife was an unpopular miserable cunt, so I was initially surprised at the spontaneous round of applause at her funeral.

Then I realized that the drunk driver who killed her had turned up.

 

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

Spoiler

The Weasley twins.

 

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call a blonde who bleaches it brighter?
An oxy moron.

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?
Artificial Swedeners.

 

Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?

No, you’ll be getting turkey, like every year.

 

You know why a woman has trouble going to the bathroom in the morning?

Spoiler

Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

For any other Chrome users, are spoilers still working?

 

It's seems to be working fine for me.

Spoiler

Testing.

 

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

 

Seems it's only on my PC, which no longer receives Chrome updates due to being an outdated OS.

Edit: Never mind, it cleared up on my PC. Not sure why it happened.

 

What is common in the fish and the eagle?

Spoiler

Both live in the water, except the eagle.

 

Is that a joke that loses a certain something when translated to English or is the humour in the absurdity?

 

Absurd. Still shitty joke in any other language.

 

Thread was revived for this?

For shame, for shame.

---------- Post automerged 09-27-2016 at 12:39 AM ---------- Previous post was 09-26-2016 at 11:46 PM ----------

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

*Coutresy of Worst Jokes Ever

 

Why was the nurse going to art classes?

Spoiler

To learn how to draw blood

 

Guy walks into a bar. The place is packed, but he finds a spot and orders a beer. Someone in the room stands up, yells "Twenty-seven!" and everyone laughs. Guy finds it peculiar, but doesn't say anything. Someone else stands up, yells, "Fifty-three!" and again everyone laughs. This happens a few more times. Finally, the guy asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the numbers?" Bartender says, "Well, we know all the jokes so well that we just numbered them. That way you don't have to tell the whole joke, just the number. Go ahead, try it." So the guy stands up and yells, "One hundred seventeen!" It's pandemonium, people are crying, falling from chairs, rolling on the floor, spilling their drinks. The guy is astonished. He asks the bartender, "Hey, what just happened?" Bartender catches a breath between roars of laughter and says, "We've never heard that one."