Title: Genkin
Author: Wyldfire
Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama
Rating: M
Summary: AU. Harry Potter: Abandoned on the streets of London at age four. Missing for 12 years. Genkin: 16 years old. Assassin, mercenary, member of the Black Dragon Clan. The wizarding worlds savior isn't what anybody was expecting.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3458796/1/

Alright. This is my first Harry Potter fic. Thought I'd give it a try. Little short, but it's my first try. If anybody wants to Beta this fic for me, go ahead and tell me. I also have a lot of problems coming up with original ideas, so if you want to suggest anything, go ahead. I always have an open ear.

 

I've gotten through chapter one, but why did Harry go to Privet Drive if Sirius wasn't incarcerated? Just a bit curious here.

 

He went to Privet Drive for the same reason as in the books. The Blood Protection and Wards. Dumbledore was just planning on having the wizarding world play a larger part in Harry's childhood. Sorry if I didn't explain that good enough.

 

If that's true, why didn't his sister go with him? It would be safer there than with Sirius.

 

Allright.

I'm not trying to be mean, or even sadistic in any minute way.

But you're the 30,000th person to write an Assassin!Harry. This is just like every other one.

It starts with befuddled!Albus on Harry's 15/16th birthday, scaredwhenHarry'snameismentioned!Dung, a sibling (why the hell would an entirely British couple name their child a Japanese name?), Japanese language, badass!Harry with an equally badass nickname, HereToSaveTheDay!Harry, WePickOurAssesAllDay!Order, throwing knives, a trench coat, a Katana, long hair, this line:

There's even more, like "The Black Dragon Clan" (oh noes!11!), a father figure:

...and others as well. On top of that, you talk to the reader, which is incredibly annoying and sloppy:

Honestly, it blows. Your grammar, spelling, and mechanics are okay, but your plot is tired and overused, testosterone fueled to the point that most teenage boys will tire of it. Even worse, it has no visible literary techniques that make it new or unusual.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not bashing you as an author. But this story should probably be deleted and any notes shredded.

I suggest you take your story apart, and see why you want to write a super!Harry. Does his inability to grasp powerful magic bother you in canon? Is it his dullness as a character? Do you simply want to have him kickass?

There's better ways of realizing your plan of Harry. Just think: Where were you going to go with this story? Why would anyone read it if Harry's already master of the all things badass and powerful?

A story needs struggle, a believable character, character development, themes, symbolism, and disappointment for both you and the reader. While it may crush you to give Harry flaws, and to write something that you don't wish, just know that a story has to be plausible if someone is going to read it for long.

Good luck in your endeavors,

Amerision

 

I don't disagree with any of Amerision's assessments of the fic. This feels like you copied Acerbus Angelus by Dalyon, to get an outline of the sort of fic you wanted to read. Only to add your own twists you managed to make it worse. Bringing in a mentor (named Keith?), bringing in a daughter (err... what?), and an entire manga/anime cheese-filled clan of heart-o-gold assassin types fighting on the side of the good guys. And just stacked that on top of Dalyon's original and excellent abandoned start. Of course it was two years ago that it was original.

Frankly, this is just plain bad. We're approaching stained-future's style here.

The effort is duly noted and appreciated. But you seem to have decided on what seems like a cool or fun story to you, begun writing it, and managed to skip the step of coming up with a plot, storyline, or any sort of originality.

I mean the first chapter's author's note says: "This just came to me in a burst of inspiration, so I’m not sure if I want to continue. If you guys want me to, I’ll plan it out more and continue writing it."

How can you expect any reader to be interested in a story you haven't even made up yet?

Take the time to think about what you want to write and why. Come up with at least a rough outline or guideline in your head of the point of the fic. Harry Potter comes prepackaged with a goal, a timeline, a villain, and a climactic battle. If your plan is limited to just that... save yourself the effort. There are thousands of finished fics like that. What's the reason Sirius is alive and wasn't incarcerated? What's the reason for Emi, Harry's sister? What's the reason for Allyn, Harry's daughter? What's the reason for Keith, Harry's mentor? Why is Harry the sort of person he is? To use these things in your story, to make the effort of including them, they should have a purpose and point. And right now, I don't think they do.

 

Going to have to agree here. I didn't read it, but it sounds like it isn't very good. Now...I'll add my own points to the story.

Assassins NEVER have a heart of gold, does not matter if its a very well known person or not. Assassins are born and trained to kill people without hesitation for a REASON. Now...to BE an assassin, you cannot have any self doubts or say for instance "No, I can't kill this person for such and such reason." Assassins do NOT have any conscience about killing, they just do it, and get paid for it. You cannot make an assassin thats on the "good side", it'll make him a pussy otherwise. And Harry Potter does NOT owe the Wizarding World shit, what has it done for him besides sticking him with abusive people and turning their backs on him?

My next point...as for Japanese themes, thats fine, it isn't done all "that" often to at least MY knowledge, but to put Anime crap (such as the retarded ass "sweat drop", does NOT belong in a Harry Potter story! PERIOD!). Him growing up in Japan? Thats okay, as long as you give a good reason of how he got there, and WHY he's there.

And finally, I totally agree with Nonjon, everything needs a point, and last but not least, you really do need to figure out at least half of your story, or 3/4 of it before you actually start writing it. And the way your story sounds...don't think that many people are going to read it, or like it.

I almost forgot...

As for the "Blood Wards" on Private Drive...there's a big hole in that...in most stories of HP that I've read, the Blood Wards ONLY work if Harry thinks of his Aunts House as a "Home Setting", which he NEVER did in the first place in Canon. He only thought of it as a House, not a home, therefore, the Blood Wards never existed from the very start that they started abusing the 1 year old child.

Richard.

 

Richard~

You based your review on the reviews above you, without reading the story. That doesn't help anyone, not the author of the fic nor someone like me who comes and looks at the reviews to get an idea if I should take a peek and see if the fic is worth it.

If you can't take the time to read the fic to review it, then don't. Simple as that. It's not enough to say "it doesn't look good, so I didn't read it, but I will post anyway with my views on the story."

Your general issues with Assassin!Harry theme, Anime!Harry theme can be taken to Fanfic discussion thread where you will find many in agreement with you.

In conclusion, don't ride on the backs of the members who took the time to read and review a story and contributed to the community.


Review of the story:

I have looked at this fic before, unfortunately I haven't seen the one Nonjon mentioned, I will check that out to see what's common. I abandoned reading this fic because of the absolute lack of character development, and one incredible plot device after another which didn't tie in or was not explained. As a reader I felt no effort on the part of the writer to engage us in the world of the fic, one fact after another was just laid out.

Slow down the pace, and give some background. And in case this is a 'Me Too!' fic idea for you then its probably best if you leave it and come up with as original a plot you can come up with for another fic.

 

Ya well, you can go piss yourself for all I care. Say what ya want, kid.

I posted here because I was givin' him fuckin' advice, don't like it? Oh well, too bad fer you. I can post where I like if its in the category I'm posting my subject on.

Flame me if you want...think thats gonna get you anywhere? Makes you look like a 5 year old when you do. I don't flame people...unless in the rare event that I dislike them a lot.

Along with my train of thought...what I stated was true.

Richard.

 

Do yourself a favour and shut the fuck up. You're making an idiot of yourself, and calling a very respected fanfiction author a 'kid' is not a good way to gain the respect of the other members.

If you had read his review properly, you would have noticed the complete lack of insults and the almost admonishing tone to it all. He even recommended where to post for God's sake.

Anyway, now that Vorlon Mk II has been dealt with, on to the review.

I read it, but nothing special really leapt out at me. Admittedly Assassin!Harry isn't my favourite type of story, but I just saw the same old things that I've read before, without any original twists to make them interesting.

And, as has been said, assassins are trained to be cold blooded killers, not people who take morals into consideration, and definately not the type of people to look after family/children.

I'd give it a 2/5, and a recommendation to plan out any future stories you write so you know where they're going.

 

Honestly, this fic isn't of a type I enjoy. This is mainly because of the plot devices like: the "you have family you never knew about", or the use of the "uber-cool ninja skills" concept, and the much loved "I've been living RIGHT under your nose, killing people, and you never found me".

Does this make it a bad story? No. Does it mean there aren't people that will enjoy it? No. It does mean that I wouldn't rec it to other folks unless they were asking for this type of story though.

2.5/5

 

As for the story, I couldn't read it through. (That doesn't mean it's too horrible, it just couldn't keep my interest.)

It seemed all a little set up to me, hardly realistic. In the beginning, we have Dumbledore thinking about dead Death Eaters and Harry at the same time, in spite of no obvious connection. It would have been more feasible if he had concerned himself with the conflict first, and thought about Harry later, when he was meeting the sister.

Also, the immediate connection brought on between Genkin and Harry indicates a desperate wish of them that Harry is still alive and maybe even killing Death Eaters. Less rationale would be appropriate. Dumbledore swaying between "Harry couldn't kill anyone" and "Genkin is Harry" is also strange.

Mundungus being the source of information for the underworld is also a tad cliché. I would like it if for once some interrogated prisoner would have yielded some information to be relayed by Shacklebolt.

I agree with the other things mentioned, Japanese stuff belongs to Japan and über-cool teenagers omgwtfpawning everything in sight is more of a teenage fantasy.

Oh, and spelling and grammar looks O.K. to me. Don't give up on writing immediately. You need a little more planning and a better plot. Check out the Fanfic Discussion and the Challange Forum, maybe you'll find something to your liking.

Richard: Clean up your act and your spelling. Not lashing out like a five year old might be a nice idea as well.

 

Seems to me like everything's already been said and done here by other members, but I'll put in my bit anyway.

-- The AnimeAssassin!Harry thing wasn't too bad when it very first began, but now it's more than a little old, bordering on cliche. It's certainly a good way to vent off some steam in creating a character resembling someone who's ticked you off and have Harry kill them in the most painful way imagineable, but other that....

-- Since when could Remus, a werewolf, take custody of any kid? If he could, canon's Harry would never have had to suffer with the Dursleys. I also can't really understand your reasoning with Swimdraconian's very good point: why separate the siblings at all? Why not have them both found by the Black Dragon Clan and form some kind of invincible duo or something that would fit in with the rest of your 'plot?'

-- Why does Genkin have to be Harry? I mean, when you compare a lethal assassin to a kid that's probably been dead for eleven years, there's just no connection between them to anyone who doesn't already know the truth. It's an unfounded assumption that suggests that every black-haired, green-eyed sixteen-year-old boy will be suspected of having the alternate identity of Harry Potter.

-- "Black Dragon Clan?" Okay... not a very original name, that. You seem to be hopelessly interested in the Japanese, why not yet another Japanese name to make it sound at least a little more unique? And what's with the katana? How about a rifle? Or a broadsword? Or, better yet, a butcher knife? At least a butcher knife isn't overused in Assassin!Harry fics.

-- Try for some characterization or something. Show flashbacks of Harry's godawfully-impossible, emotionally-draining training as a Clan member. Show Vernon dumping him on the filthy streets of London and Harry's reaction to that. If Harry's 'daughter' is too young to train, surely Harry was as well when Keith found him. So how was he raised? What challenges did he have to overcome? Were there any rivals of his within the Clan, or were they all buddy-buddy? How did he find out about his parentage? You know...details! A person doesn't from innocent and compassionate to deadly and dangerous in a puff of smoke or snap of a finger, you know.

-- Try writing out the whole story first in a good notebook or something, then look over it for bad grammar, spelling, plot holes, etc. when you type it, then look it over again when you post it. Original, unique ideas make an author and his work special.

I'm not saying that you make a horrible author. Quite the opposite, in fact. You have immense potential and pretty good skill, but you lack tact. I am merely giving my personal view and offering some constructive criticism that I hope will be helpful in improving this and possibly other fanfiction works of yours.

 

needs to be re-written. and needs to be more thought out. i'm not going to say anything else about it, the above posts cover everything, including my disdain over the katana issue. thou, i like anime just fine and don't mind the mix.

just as a note, an assassin based on shinobi, would not use a katana. too large, too obvious.

 

Deleted it. Decided not to write this, to cliche. I may try my hand at something more original, but meh. We'll see. But yeah, just in case anybody was waiting for an update or something, I'm not going to keep writing this story.

 

Okay, so the author says he deleted this story. Forgo, this thread should probably be deleted. Posted up for deletion.