Navy SEAL Harry

What the hell did you just fucking say to me, you old goat? I'll have you know I've been emancipated by the goblins, and I've claimed my rightful lordships, and I own over 300 vaults. I unlocked the abilites you blocked and my magical core grew over nine thousand percent. You are nothing to me but a squib. I could curse you with power the likes of which has never been seen since Merlin, mark my bloody words.

You think you can get away with calling me "Harry" instead of "Lord Potter"? Think again, old coot. As we speak I'm Legilimentally contacting Amelia Bones and your Wizengamot title is being revoked right now so you better prepare for the storm. The storm that wipes out the pathetic web of lies you call your life. You're fucking done, Dumbledork.

I can Apparate anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my katana. Not only am I extensively trained in wandless magic, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the MACUSA and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable beard off the British Isles. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" manipulations were about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have kept your crooked fingers to yourself. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you senile fool. I do not forgive, I do not forget

(Found this on r/hpff).

 

That physically pained me.

 

Thank god I read this at the end. I was about to pull the ripcord on DLP forever if this was your material after three years around this place. But, I agree with TWT, it really is a train wreck of horrible cliches and outright stupidity.

 

Why didn't the "wizards" just cast themselves out of the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises? Seriously each episode following the boy wizard and his pals from Hogwarts Academy as they fight assorted villains has been indistinguishable from the others. Aside from the gloomy imagery, the series’ only consistency has been its lack of excitement and ineffective use of special effects, all to make magic unmagical, to make action seem inert.

Perhaps the die was cast when Rowling vetoed the idea of Spielberg directing the series; she made sure the series would never be mistaken for a work of art that meant anything to anybody?just ridiculously profitable cross-promotion for her books. The Harry Potter series might be anti-Christian (or not), but it’s certainly the anti-James Bond series in its refusal of wonder, beauty and excitement. No one wants to face that fact. Now, thankfully, they no longer have to.

"No!" The writing is dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs."

I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing. Later I read a lavish, loving review of Harry Potter by the same Stephen King. He wrote something to the effect of, "If these kids are reading Harry Potter at 11 or 12, then when they get older they will go on to read Stephen King." And he was quite right. He was not being ironic. When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.

 

Harry Potter should have carried a 1911 - Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Here's why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol' American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it--you're looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

"Well then I guess it's a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1."

And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

 

Reading this made me break into fits of laughter the likes of which I haven`t had in a long long time.

 

Abstract humor, I see. Well, far be it from me and all that.

 

Found this on reddit:

And this:

Hilarious!