WOW WOW WOW.

I left a review - as usual - but I wanted to back it up here, Jim! AWESOME!

That was one tiptop, Boom-diggety (did I just use that phrase? Bad me!) chapter. Loved every single second of it and would've bitten my nails to nibs if they weren't there already....

Fantastic fight scene. How much more intense can any battle get than what they went through? VERY believable to me.

2nd - the will was great - especially the '30 sickles to each of:' and the significance therein. I even loved that the Firebolt was left to Charlie when Ron and/or Ginny would've given their eye-teeth for it.

Soooooooo glad everyone came out of the battle alive.

I really hope that Harry DOESN'T go back to Hogwarts during the sequel - but then again a part of me looks forward to the rather exciting thought of a showdown between Harry and his FORMER friends/Dumbledore/Remus....

Anyway, have fun in Orlando, you lucky duck!

--Bella

 

"When the time comes we will cast our 30 silver pieces at the alter, then hang our heads from the rope. Thereafter we shall fall to hell in cabal..."
I doubt Paladin Alexander Anderson was the person you were quoting, but that particular scene in Hellsing is pretty damn cool.


That was one hell of a chapter. Have fun at Disneyland, I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

 

Dude, that was fucking beautiful.

And hearing about a sequel? I almost pissed myself in joy. However, I'd request/recommend that you write the sequel from first or third person perspective. Second person perspective scared me away from this fic for so long... I'd try to read it, but the perspective was too jarring. And even when I did work up the boredom to attempt to get past the jarring perspective, it was still jarring, and took away a fair bit of my enjoyment of the superb story, at times.

And hey, if you want a challenge like writing in second person, try writing in Tolkien perspective. You know, mostly in third person but with a narrator that is like an entity outside of the story, giving occasional first person viewpoints, and foreshadowing information that the characters don't know. Like in The Hobbit.

Anyways, that was a beautiful fight scene. Bravo!

Keep up the great work, Jim.

 

In case you need your ego stroked even more...

The first two chapters of your story without a doubt drew me in more than any other story I have ever read. I can't remember ever reading something for only 2 chapters and knowing that I wanted to read the rest of the story as much as I did this one. And while some of it was definitely the second person naration, I really believe that was only part of it. While since then this has been an amazing story, I don't think any of the chapters had the same effect of those first two (not that the rest were disappointing at all - they were great and often funny and often really unique, the first two were simply more than what most chapters can acheive out of context of taking into account the whole story.)

This most recent chapter though, despite the difference in content from chapter 2, had the same amazing feel that those first two chapters did when I first read them. The trading back and forth between the actual fighting, Harry's thoughts and bits of humor were incredibly well done.

And however unlikely for a DLP writer to do it, it was incredibly reassuring to have Harry still have Judas-like feelings about his 'friends.'

 

I'd suggest you disregard the above comment calling for a perspective change.
I loved the second person perspective. I like to visualize myself in a characters shoes and it really helps me to do that. It's unique and while it has some stumbling blocks it makes the story better overall.

 

I completely agree!

The perspective was great for this story and the way it was told!

 

The 30 pieces of silver were what the priesthood payed Judas to betray Jesus in the Bible, I believe.

 

Correct, 30 pieces of silver is the price for betraying a savior. The really ironic bit of that story is that after Jesus got crucified, Judas gave the money back and hung himself in Potter's Field. The money was later used to buy that field as a graveyard for people with not family.

 

BRILLIANT no more needs to be said.

Oh and for extra goodness- Finally an author has incorporated a little idea of mine, Dementors cause despair, the opposite of that isn't quite hapiness, it's hope (freedom works in this case as it gives him hope), so it should bring about the strongest patronus.

 

I also agree with the 2nd person perspective. That is what drew me into the story to begin with - a) that you wrote in the 2nd person and b) that you did it so well. I hope you stick with the same perspective in the sequel.

--Bella

 

I gotta say this. If you take your new story. And make it as good as this one. I dont know if Vash and Bio(those were the two who did that stuff right?) could win(no offense).

This fic is utterly amazing.

 

what I really enjoyed from this fic is that it is so far from the mainstream that it appeals to people like myself who have read thousands of harry potter fics and they start sounding familiar with other stories. The perspective in this story I love because as someone else mentioned it puts you in the same mindframe as harry which I do anyway with all of them that I read. maybe thats why I hate slash. anyway awesome fic and how many chapters are left in this before the sequel?

 

Another great chapter, and reaching the end. And still, fucking fantastic! Can't way to read how it all ends, and look forward to the sequel

 

Kill-joy

Sorry to say this, but this was a complete letdown. This is what it all came to? All that hit this clunker?

It was boring.

Standard, at times substandard, use of language. You use the same language for a small scene as for an epic one.

You have this problem of not describing anything. The scenery man! The atmosphere!

It reads only slightly better than you stating facts.

You tell us the emotions that Harry had. Stop describing at us:

"]You're] feeling strangely happy before realizing the cheering charms are working again",

And start showing:

"Your worries... seemed to slide away, leaving you with an almost warm glow from the pit of your stomach."

--bring us along.

Show us a progression of thoughts:

"The warmth seemed twisted. As if it had been put there. Out of place with the fear that still clings to your insides.

Dimly, you realize that the cheering wards have reactivated."

The point of view is no excuse. The problem I think you have is one I have. You have everything in your mind, so you under-explain, under-narrate, and/or under-emote because you don't realize that other people don't have it in their minds.

The pacing was horrific for a battle. There is no buildup of suspense or emotion. Your words are just there; they aren't put to work for you.

These are problems that you seem to have all the time. The battle with Chilotha was the same. You fail to put emphasis on the important scenes - or really anything. All the memorable scenes are that way because of the content, (usually good by the way), and not the language. As long as that's the case, you're driving with flat tires. It can get you to someplace nearby, but it can't go the distance.

For this chapter: 2/5

For the fic: 3.89/5

 

The point of view is set to drive us closer to Harry's way of thinking. Silver Peas, if you are a literature or arts student or you work in those areas, I may be able to see (very VERY dimly) your grievances. But Harry is not! He's just a teenager with an abused childhood who has the priority to stay alive and only after that see the picture. Not the BIG PICTURE, just the picture. He wasn't TRAINED to analyze and make a literate mental description of everything.

The whole 2nd person perspective was about bringing us closer to Harry's way of thinking. Not the author's way of thinking, but Harry's. Now knowing this one can say that you have no right to insult a author or his stories because of relatively low knowledge or general awareness of his main character especially when it's intended and it has several reasons for it to be this way.

Now I have you pegged for either a loner or an older person. Cuz I don't think you've been around teenagers lately. They don't over analyze what's surrounding them unless it has to do with the opposite sex.

The red quote is consistent with the hurt teenager who just lost a pint or three of blood.
The green quote is consistent with either a poet or someone high on drugs.
The blue quote... I'm not sure exactly what is consistent with. I'm no expert in psychology, but someone who has the all of the underlined pieces of thought in the same context has some mental disorder.

Man, if Harry was to change his way of thinking, to... elevate his way of thinking and his vocabulary during a battle... That would make him a megalomaniac. Whether Lockhart megalomaniac or Voldemort megalomaniac I'm not sure.

I hope you can understand now that the 2nd person perspective is not about the scenery. It does not facilitate the readers envision the scenery. If at all, it makes it even harder. I for one took it as a challenge. The descriptions you are so demanding of are much more consistent with the 3rd person perspective, the storyteller's perspective. The 2nd person perspective is abut the characters and their feelings. "You"="Harry". The readers are challenged to envision themselves as the characters. To imagine them selfs doing what the characters are doing, to try to feel what what the characters are feeling. If you want scenery, imagine yourself one. If you have sufficient imagination you will succeed. Silver Peas, it seems that you have failed.

That's why I find "Bungle in the Jungle: A Harry Potter Adventure" such an entertaining reading. Because it challenges me to construct in my mind the rest of the puzzle. Because I do not feel excluded from the story's creation process. The style is not rigid and Classic. I can add to it in my mind. That's why when I say "Good work, Jim!", I mean it!

 

Yeah, you see the guy above me? Yeah, what he said.

 

I completely agree with boghi8462's analysis!

I do find the 2nd person perspective of this story as awesomely fitting and a wonderful tool to bring the reader (us) nearer to Harry's thoughts as well as emotions.

 

tbh m8 your not the only one who sees it but as pointed out its highly unlikely that you yourself would worry about how your thinking about something when your in a life and death situation.

That said the last chapter was epic!

 

Boghi summed up what I was thinking as well.

Reading anything in 2nd person is a challenge to the reader - almost as much of a challenge as it is the writer. You really have to insert yourself into Harry's pov and mindset - and the thinking and mindset of the character is not going to change just because the experiences change. It can show Harry growing with the challenges but Harry is going to think what Harry is going to think.

Life is always jaded by a person's point-of-view - much like my pov on this chapter versus yours. You see things one way, I see them another. So too is Harry's pov jaded toward his own particular experiences in life and mindset.

I think Jim did an awesome job portraying Harry during this last chapter which is why I gave it 5/5. That fight had me breathless!

 

The whole point of reviews, is to provide constructive criticism and feedback.

Not to stand round and circle jerk. Get off Silver Peas case, at least his review was useful, and not intended to stroke any ego's.