We have a thread for "Fanfiction's Worst Summaries v2.0", we also have "The 'awesomely bad' HP fanfics thread v4.0", and now I introduce

"Fanfiction's Ghastliest Author Profiles"​

A large number of ff.net users don't just concentrate on writing shitty fics, they also display their mental problems in their profile. They often not only suck at summaries but are even proud of their incapability.

If you stumble over something abnormal, post a link and some quotes. There are some outstanding exemplars, but also the common moron might be of interest for the rest of us, if he/she/it reveals some shocking truth about him/her/it-self.



The first one:

ohmygawsh


Yep – I spelled its name correctly. Well, "it" is probably female.

She has started five stories, and this is the worst:

Astonishingly her other summaries aren't even nearly as bad as this one. Yeah, astonishingly - she even admits the lack of love for ...

Another paragraph reveals she is also bipolar.

Or is she implying the misspellings in her profile aren't enough to be inhuman


But we don't have to fear her work. She stopped writing

 

The only thing I really had trouble with was her summary, and there is a completely different thread for that so it is besides the point. I've seen a lot worse throughout my years reading fanfiction, though I wouldn't be able to name them off the top of my head.

Was this the first you've found? If it was I'm incredibly surprised, but then again I'm of the type that reads just about anything that isn't slash or red-head-slut-loving so it's inevitable for me to find some of the shittier fanfics out in the web.

If you find any more, give me some names so I can flame their stories.

 

Nah, it wasn't the first and I have seen worse. I just thought we should start to pillory her and her comrades and make fun of them help them improve.

 

I'm sorry, but the only thing I'm going to be doing is flaming the hell out of idiots like these. I'll look for some more and post them if I get the chance.

 

I can't remember any particularly bad author bio pages right off the top of my head, but I will say what my major pet peeve is with them. I REALLY hate it when an author has a ridiculously long bio. And I'm not talking about the ones where you have to scroll down a screen or two. It's the ones that are longer than their damned fanfics that irk me. I know that on FF.net there's that little "Hide Bio" button, but on some of the other sites...

 

From PumpkinLettuce:

PumpkinLettuce
action : Send Message . Subscribe/Alert . Add to Favorites
user id : 757945
since : 02-12-05

All right, let's get a few things straight: I live in Ohio, not London. Get the FUCK over it! Just because the Harry Potter books have a Brit version (notice I didn't say "the HP books are British") doesn't mean I have to be British. Because I just don't fucking want to or need to be for any reason. You're like Christians: if I don't agree with youor live the way you do, suddenly I'm wrong. That's not how it goes down in the real world, so come down from your Ivory Tower.

Now, on to the rest of it.

(I SWEAR this won't be excessively long like a lot of bios on this site.)

Me in general:

My old fanfic.net account was Macabre Leprechaun Maiden. In case you're wondering why I don't repost my clean stories, it's because my old computer from that time crashed and I lost everything. Sorry...I really miss them too! (sniffle)

I REALLY FUCKING HATE people like Franz Kafka and Nippledore Tweaks. Oh, sure, they claim to give constructive criticism. Destructive if anything. No advice, no "hey, you spelled that wrong", it's all just insults. Look, bitch: I was like that too, but I grew up when I wasn't a freshmore in high school anymore. GET A FUCKING JOB OR SOMETHING.

Also, I LOVE how people insult me and then add me to their Favorite Authors list. Anyone care to explain this phenomenon...?
Fic-related stuff about me:

I mostly write slash, mpreg, and dark fics (by which I mean eating disorders, cutting, abuse, rape, etc). My favorite pairings, whether you agree or not, are:
RL/SB

RL/SS

SS/HP (MILD SLASH! I don't really like the other stuff...:blink

I HATE SS/HG fics. Sorry, but they make me vomit. Hermione's a little slut that's too busy fucking Ron to worry about her teachers.

My favorite characters to write about, together or by themselves, are Remus Lupin and Severus Snape. I hated Sirius in the books, but I'm starting to appreciate him when he's OOC (or in other terms, in ANY fic I'VE ever read...
What I'm working on right now:

I'm working on two fics. One is MPreg, the other one is basically an ED fic. Sev is the main character in both. Imagine that... I usually don't post my fics until they are fully done, so BE PATIENT! They're long fics this time. I don't like having woken up with a plot twist in my head after posting chapter 13 and having to go through and revise EVERYTHING to make it work, which frequently happens; so I just let it sit there on my computer until I've got a sufficient intro and ending with plenty of drama and action in between, for they are the peanut butter in my sandwich. Okay, no more analogies. I swear :hides:. In the meantime I might pop out a few songfics if you don't mind. I'm totally inspired by Evanescence and Coldplay.

MY FIC "UNDERSTANDING" HAS BEEN REMOVED AND IS BEING WORKED ON RIGHT NOW! I had a ton of errors in it and was sick of resubmitting chapters and all that crap just to fix it. So I'll write a few more chapters and then submit it later. M'kay? M'kay.

And for the LAST time, Remus is NOT blond. Jeezum Crow, people!

 

...Kill Her.

 

Yes, she is a jewel, isn't she? But there's a silver lining; upon reading her reviews for "Somewhere"( mistakenly discovered on the favorites of another author) I came across this:

Canon Cop here. Iam citing you for several (no, make that multiple) violations of Canon:

1. Severus does not love Remus. Severus loathes Remus.
2. Remus does not love Severus. Remus tolerates Severus.
3. Severus and Remus are not involved in a homosexual relationship.
4. Severus would never admit to vulnerability to anyone, especially regarding his feelings.
5. Severus would especially never admit vulnerable feelings to Remus. Severus sneers at Remus in Canon.
6. Severus would never carry on a painfully sensitive, revealing interior monologue that categorizes the welter of conflicting emotions that a break-up with his male lover has brought upon him.
7. Severus does not throw temper tantrums in which he breaks things like a petulant child when angered by the behavior of a Marauder. He performs spells involving dark magic upon them instead.
8. Severus does not bawl or mewl or shed tears when frustrated. He threatens, or savagely taunts, but he does not cry.
9. Finally, Severus does not "hurt" himself when he "has to be weak." He displays no weakness in Canon. What is he going to do in that fic mentioned at the bottom of this story. Cut himself? Become anorexic?

I am sending you to Headmaster Rowling's office, where I can assure you that she is impatiently slapping a heavy leather paddle into her palm while she waits for your arrival. She's VERY unhappy about what you've done with her characters. http://www.fanfiction.net/r/2273793/0/1/

 

Reading a profile like that reminds me once again just why God created rape, abuse, and eating disorders.

While astutely taking a pass on MPREG.

"Shit babies? Err... let's just stick with these seven days. That should be plenty. But who was it that suggested that? I only ask because I want to give this 'rape' thing a try."

Conclusion: God rapes MPREG fans.

 

Here is another one. Link: raven-heights at ff.net

On her ff.net page you'll also find a link to myspace - if you are in dire need of her picture. It is not that bad (the picture). There are worse (pictures and profiles). But read through this posting and wait for the bottom of this post ...


Where to start? How about her own story:

I didn't read it. 6.3k words in 7 ch. aren't readable. No reviews mean no flames and no fangirls. Does that mean no plot at all? Anyone interested to look at it?


Now an example of her grammar and spelling:

She should attend a course to learn capitalisation and punctuation first. Reading the following fics found in her fav-list certainly won't help her improve.

You all know DebsTheSnapeFan, don't you? No? Ok - then give it a try. His stories are hilarious - in their own, unique way.

You really gave Debs a try?!? Now, clean off the vomit and then back to raven-heights:
What do the following lines placed on her author profile say about her?

Scary? Well, not really. If she'd live nearby I'd call the men with the white jackets. They could provide her with her own padded cell. Or I'd just hand her a razor.

raven-heights admits to regularly visit places called "forums". You know, "forums" are like the old black boards where all these people without real life gather around just to meet other human beings. But despite her experiences she doesn't know how that thing with the url works:

I wouldn't call that forum cool. But a girl who doesn't notice that the url isn't displayed correctly might indeed find that place cool.

Altogether the profile is a scientific proof that certain brains develop either more slowly than other people's brains or not at all.

Ah well, now the punchline. Just one line. The last line of her profile.

Spoiler

www.darklordpotter.net!

 

Hehe. She changed that last punchline. It currently says:

I am amused.

 

Its funny that we are hatted by the fan girls. Makes me all happy inside that we are causing crazy girls all over the world to cut themselves.

 

hihihihi ... I can't stop giggling in a totally unmanly way ...

Now she even deleted her story.

 

Man, I saw two people left reviews (and weren't logged in) so I was going to try and give her an actual critical review... but I couldn't.

Reading it I thought I'd been punked by another Tara. No one can write something like that and intend it to be a story people read. Of course now I'm not as certain of that but still... it was bad. And it was second person POV told from Raven, the undead half-Vampire's perspective, starting on her 100th birthday. She went to school with everyone (from Tom Riddle to the Marauders) and is just now joining the Order but she looks 17 so she must be hot.

Yeah... now I'm thinking she couldn't have been serious. But to take it down angrily? Hmm...

 

My new sig.

 

I don’t know what to call this other than frightening and shocking.

I give you the Author page of one: pstibbons
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/919491/

I just hope that Emma Watson never come across this obsessive fuck.

 

That's... I'm... He's...

Wow... I can honestly say that I have never encountered that level of fanaticism before, especially for fanfic...

 

This girl admits she's too old for this shit.

 

This is from this gem of a profile: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/942978/

Favourite HP Ships: Definately LILY/JAMES or as i like to call it Jily/Lames hehe (You dont like em, tough!)



The rest of the profile is your standard fangirl TMI, but I thought Jily and Lames deserved a shout-out.