Hello, so I am posting the first scene of my Orig story, and here is what I am wondering:


Does this hook you as a reader?


Exiting this first scene are there any red flags that make you say nuh ugh we droppin' this %#!@$?


Also showing vs telling. Generally, it is said/considered that showing is better than telling. Is this telling? Are the things that are going through my mind as the writer being shown through the text to the reader?


Obviously, it is 600 hundred words, so I am asking after first impressions, your experiences as well as things you have learned or would recommend I also learn. Thanks!

Spoiler: Scene 1

"Brother Chen," A boy of 10 called out to me, his face red sweat gathering at his temples, the golden trim of his robes not so different from mine denoting his high importance within the Sect.


"Ling Yan!" I interrupted, my righteous indignation taking control, stopping the one named Yan in his tracks. "Did I desecrate your mother's grave? Pluck the flower of you're Fairylike Fiancé? Am I Sun Chen so unworthy of face? That you dare to challenge me! If I do not turn you black and blue, then this one is not named Sun!" My speech finished as I crossed my arms in front of my chest, clearly denoting my heroic stature and appeal.


I very much did not see one Ling Yan roll his eyes as he looked around the meditation chamber I had been occupying.


"Wait, Brother Chen, where is Attendant Yang?" My declaration of war ignored; indeed, children these days have no sense of respect. The least he could have done is pretend to take me seriously.


But still, Attendant Yang, I couldn't keep the smile off my face; he was an adorably awkward young man, with a weak spot for the fairer sex, making him truly so easy to manipulate.


"Hey! Brother Chen, you have that evil smile again."


Huh? Ohh.


"Attendant Yang is currently appreciating the Manors Beauty."


"You mean he is watching the maids again." Ling Yan said, making his feelings quite obvious. Shrugging, I watched the boy in front of me glow with the aura of a young hero. Honestly, the side of righteousness had a Paragon in this kid.


Hiding my smirk, I resumed the cool down stretches I had been doing before Ling Yan had run in, "It keeps him out of my hair, so it is good enough for me."


"But… but he could be relieved or banished." The last word spoken in a harsh whisper, ahh to be ten again.


"Then I guess the maids need to worry about one less admirer." In truth, I hoped the stupid fool would get caught putting his dick in the wrong girl and be gone from my life; he talked far too much and didn't have nearly enough brain cells to make even a tenth of the horseshit that came out worth listening to. Why the Sect used senior Outer Disciples as attendants for us, I still didn't understand.


"Young Master," Attendant Gaun spoke from the chamber's doors, "the Elders have requested yourself and Young Master Sun, please do not forget." Watching Yan jump in surprise with a guilty look on his face truly brought a smile to mine. Thoughts about Attendant Yang and the things that the stupid fool was undoubtedly doing had distracted our slightly ditzy Paragon of Justice.


Finishing my last stretch, I smiled at Ling Yan. "To the Elders then!" Not a hint of desperation or fear in my voice, the very antithesis of our wincing hero.


Making my way to the door, Ling Yan called out to me as he ran to my side. "Brother Chen, what about Attendant Yang?"


"I am sure Attendant Yang is quite happy where he is. After all, I would hate to be the one to ruin his day." I could practically feel Yan stop to parse through my words, something not quite sitting right with the young child, but it was Attendant Gaun I was watching. After he stilled for a second as the implications of my words washed over him, I could see him nod minutely. Not stupid this one. Really, much better material.


Unfortunately, his face bore a striking resemblance with a particular type of equestrian species, and that just wouldn't do.

 

So, uh, when something hooks me, it's usually a mix of title, summary, and first chapter. Here, the only thing I've got is what seems to be only a small chunk of the first chapter. So the short answer is no, I'm not hooked.

I don't know who Brother Chen is, I don't know what is going on and I'm not sure where things are going on. I have no title to guess it, and the lack of summary makes me blind in this regard.

That makes the other part of the question rather unimportant at the moment because if the reader is not hooked, even the greatest piece of writing will go unnoticed.

The title may come later, but I'd suggest to you to work up your summary, think a bit more about the opening line, finish your first chapter and then resubmit it for us to review, and give us a chance to get properly hooked.

Also, you should check Writing Advice and Writing Resources threads (if you didn't so far) because there is some excellent stuff there that helped me to improve myself.

No red flags tho.

 

Meh

I like how the story starts in medias res, but the humor falls flat for my personal tastes. I’m not really into overdramatic protagonists. The most interesting bit is the interaction at the end, and it’s enough for me to keep going, but I think you would’ve lost me before I got there tbh just with the dramatized speech. While it’s not my thing it could definitely be someone else’s though.