"Harry!"

Harry stopped and turned around, eyes narrowing in caution. Harry saw Draco Malfoy furiously running at him, pushing through the crowds in Diagon Alley, with his parents running to catch up.

"I'm in heat and I need to impregnate you, you're my omega!"

"I'm sorry, Malfoy, what?" Harry asked.

"You're my omega, Harry! I figured it out when I was thinking about you last weekend!" Draco replied, smiling.

Harry shuddered as the meaning struck him. "I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me you're attracted to me?"

"It's more than that, obviously," Draco said before he launched into an explanation of Alphas, Betas, and Omegas.

Harry's mouth widened and began to look around for a way out. Trouble always did seem to find him. He saw Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy catch up with Draco. Harry grew a bit confused when he saw them whisper at each other with panicked expressions.

"Lucius, have you been forgetting the silencing charms when we roleplay?"

"Maybe? Why didn't he tell us about it? Does he think we really mean what we act?"

"I think it's worse that that, he's found our roleplaying diaries if his comments on other alphas are any indication."

"Fuck," Lucius summarized succinctly.

"Submit Potter!"

Apologies if this doesn't fit the purpose of the thread.

 

"You lost me my Pokemon, Potter!" Lucius spat, drawing his wand and pointing it at Harry.

"Dobby!" Dobby cried, thrusting his hand forwards and launching Lucius through the air.

Harry patted Dobby on his head. "You did good, Dobby."

"Dobby-dob!" Dobby cried happily, before returning to his Pokeball.

-------------------

Harry leaned over Snape's pensieve, eager to see his mother again.

"Careful, Potter," Snape warned as Harry peered into the basin of swirling, pearly white liquid. "It's not only memories in there."

-------------------

"Harry, I return to you your true name," Grindelwald said. "Hadrian Dumbledore."

Harry stared at Grindelwald. "Go home, Gellert, you're drunk. You can't just go around telling literally everyone they're secretly a Dumbledore."

Grindelwald's drunken gaze fell onto the nearby house-elf. "Dobby, I return to you your true name - Dubious Dumbledore."

-------------------

"Harry, I have devised a most ingenious way to allow you to leave the Dursleys," Dumbledore said.

Harry perked up. "Really? What?"

"As you know, so long as you consider a place where your mother's blood dwells your home, the charm I placed on you will hold and Voldemort will be unable to harm you. That's why I have decided that you should spend your summer with Voldemort himself."

Harry stared at Dumbledore. "What?"

"Don't you see?" Dumbledore said excitedly. "He took your blood, your mother's blood! Voldemort himself will satisfy the conditions of the Charm. So long as you live with him, he cannot harm you!"

Welcome to the latest wizarding sitcom staring Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort.

 

"Why is it," said Harry, "that Pokemon seem to come in two shapes: ugly gnome and hot woman?"
"Griphook," said Griphook. "Grip grip griphook."

"Look, Daphne," said Harry, leaning over the fence. "I know you're not happy about this, and trust me, I'd rather not either, but breeding with Dudley is the only way to get the right set of egg moves for the current meta."

------

"Harry, how on Earth did you get Occlumency shields of such strength?" Daphne asked.
"Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?" he asked.

------

"But I don't get it, Dumbledore," said McGonagall. "Why are we leaving him here? This building doesn't seem to be one where people live at all."
"Ah, Minerva, you haven't kept up with the Muggles," said Dumbledore. "This is a blood bank."

------

"I just don't get it," Harry said in frustration. "What the hell do you see in Hermione, Viktor?"
"I haff jungle fever," said Krum, shrugging.

------

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy, thank you for coming to visit St. Mungo's," said the Healer. "Come with me, I'll give you a tour of our pride and joy: the biggest leech farm in all of Europe."

------

(premise: Snape comes to get Harry instead of Hagrid)
"You know," Harry said, hesitating. "I'm not sure I actually want to be a wizard like you, Professor Snape."

------

(Fun fact: Russians play Quidditch, not on brooms, but on trees they've uprooted entirely.)
"Right," said Garry Potter Jamesovich, squatting near the Whomping Willow and staring at it. "You listen here, tree: I've got a Quidditch match soon, and I don't want to be broomless, da?"

------

"And now," said Dumbledore solemnly, "We rise for the national anthem. Each of you, please, pick a favorite tune..."

------

"Dumbledore!" Harry shouted epicly, busting open the door to the Hog's Head Inn. "I've come to end your machinations!"
"You need to be 18 to be here," said Aberforth, and Harry was marched out the door, frowning.

------

"Look, Harry," said Ron. "That's cousin Billy-Bob over there."
"How come you've never mentioned him before?" asked Harry. "Is he a squib or something?"
"Worse," said Ron, looking miserable in his rented wedding tuxedo. "He's from Alabama."

------

"Look, Daphne," said Harry. "I'm a Grey Lord, okay? I can kill a Death Eater, sure, but I'll have to kill a baby too then. It's all about balance."

------

(Premise: Veela are perhaps more closely related to the Dementors than commonly thought)
"Look, 'Arry, a Dementor," said Fleur. "Petite salope, floating around like that. Slut."

------

(Premise: why would wizards have similar genitalia to muggles?)
"Bloody hell," said Harry, staring at Daphne's cooter. "Muggle health class didn't tell me about the second clitoris and the teeth."

"Potter is a fucking freak," said Dudley to Piers. "He's got a corkscrew dick with an eye at the tip."

------

"No, the real you," said Harry, and he watched, stunned, as Daphne suddenly revealed herself to be Millicent Bulstrode in disguise.

------

(On the topic of wizarding drinks)
"Look, Harry," said Ron. "Dean brought firewhiskey!"
"Pfft," said Harry. "Sirius got me this: Martian Baja Blast."

"Hmph," said Harry. "You still drink pumpkin juice, Malfoy? I only drink purestrain free-range organic gluten-free locally produced Veela milk."

------

"So," Harry said. "What are you going to do this summer, Daphne?"
"I think I'll ask mum to let me see the zoo," she said. "They've got a new muggle exhibit in."

------

"Oh, a dick-shrinking charm, Mr. Potter?" Madam Pomfrey said. "Not to worry. I'll cast a counter-charm, and it shall grow until you tell me 'stop'."

------

(On the topic of a HP/DC crossover)
"Ah, Dr. Fate," said Superman. "I see you've gotten rid of that nasty floor-shitting habit of yours."

------

Hermione's eyebrows furrowed. "But my mom's still married to my dad," she said.
"Pssht," said Draco smugly. "Magical law supersedes muggle law, everyone knows that."

------

"I can take Voldemort killing my parents," said Harry. "I can take him trying to kill me like six times by this point? But my owl? This motherfucker is done".

------

"So," Harry said, finishing his epic speech on House-Elf Rights. "All those in favour, say aye!"
There came a solitary noise from Lord Dribbler, whose name had only gotten more accurate as despite expectations he kept living; it was public knowledge that he was so conservative he refused to not shit in public.

------

(Premise: Harry finds out that maybe marriage contracts are a very good excuse to get some strange, and then kill some Death Eaters.)
"Mister Potter," said Bulstrode's attorney, "It is highly irregular to present us with a marriage contract in return for - " and he checked the contract - "three bottles of Firewhiskey and a McDonalds hamburger."

------

"Hold on," said Harry. "Why do I need to marry Bellatrix again?" Cockmongler,
primary caretaker goblin of the Potter estate, shrugged. "Hey, your uncle signed the paperwork without looking at it. Don't blame me."
"But - but I wanted one of the hot Blacks," Harry said. "You know, Narcissa, or maybe Andromeda or Tonks or something."
"Really, mister Potter, I think you complain too much. She is a fine -" Cockmongler uttered a quick goblin phrase which sounded eerily like 'slampig' - " and her hips are suited to birthing you many children."

------

"I'm sorry, Daphne, but your position requires you to blow me," Harry said. "Frankly, keep up this awful performance and I'll have to go to the headmaster."

------

"Oh, Griphook's invited me to his son's bar mitzvah," Harry said, waving his invitation around.
"Harry!" Hermione hissed. "We all agreed to pretend that they weren't jewish stereotypes!"

------

"Well," said Dumbledore, casting his gaze over the two shell-shocked first years, the dead troll, and Hogwarts' newest, bucktoothed ghost. "This has all gone rather cock-eyed, hasn't it?"

------

(Upon finding out that Lavender Brown died)
"Look, Lav-Lav," madam Pomfrey said sympathetically. "We already have Bill as the token sort-of-werewolf on our side to replace Remus, so it's time to go to a farm upstate now."

------

"Why, it's mister Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived!" said one amazed bystander.
Harry tutted. "That's sir Potter to you, random citizen."

------

"My man Young Snape," said Dumbledore, throwing a gang sign. "Still spitting like Fiendfyre, yo?"

------

"Ron has been dousing you with Love Potions!" Harry shouted at Hermione.
"Hot," she said, shuddering in delight. "Now force me into an arranged marriage and call me the M-word."

"Well, of course she's been dousing me," Ron said, looking at Harry oddly. "How else do you think Wizarding Marriage works?"

------

"Danaerys Khaleesi Potter," said Harry. "You're named that because when you were born season 8 wasn't out yet."

------

"Shit," Harry said, having pricked his thumb with his quill. Some of his blood had gotten on his Defense essay, and he was really starting to miss pens.
A week later, Quirrel exploded.

------

"Hagrid, why are you the one to give us sex ed?" Hermione asked, stumbling over the last words.
"Me dear old da' was a literal sexplorer," Hagrid said gravely. "Killed him in the end, o' course..."

 

Harry quickly discovered that Fleur took a very different approach to teaching Occlumency than Professor Snape.

"I do not know legilimency, but I 'ave my own talents," Fleur explained.

Harry's eyes followed her closely, unable to resist the draw of her svelte figure, her silk robes clinging to her curves. "Talents?" he asked, his voice coming out higher than he would have liked.

"Oui. Now, remember, you must feel nothing. Clear your mind, 'Arry." She began to undo the buttons of her robe, revealing a tantalising glimpse of bare skin beneath. "When you can resist me, zat is when you will 'ave mastered Occlumency."

Regrettably, Harry did not take to Occlumency naturally. He would need many, many more lessons.

 

"Well," Dumbledore said, staring at the enormous crater that was once called Gringotts, "I suppose I should of told him why I put all those restraints on his magical core."



Dumbledore groaned in pleasure, watching the Gryffindor dorm rooms through his enchanted mirror.
Turns out keeping a bunch of teenagers with the ability to make Love Potions, Polyjuice, and Contraceptive charms in the same castle for months ended up having an entirely predictable result.


"But I only used the Unforgivables on Death Eaters!" cried Harry.
"Rules are rules kid," Amelia Bones said regretfully, "You're off to Azkaban."

 

With regards to Umbridge reclassifying Veelas as XXXXX-class creatures:

<BTT> is it Fleur specifically that's XXXXX?
<Mr. Pickles> Just Veela in general
<So Long Gay Blorser > I hope the French Veela monetise this.
<So Long Gay Blorser > Pentuple X Cabaret shows and such
<So Long Gay Blorser > The ping pong trick, except it’s a quaffle
<So Long Gay Blorser > Magical
<Mr. Pickles> If anyone could, it'd be veela ♡
<BTT> The XXXXX Go XXX: The Show
<So Long Gay Blorser > ‘too hot for GB’
<BTT>"Our women are so hot they're literally banned in Britain!"
<Mr. Pickles> In Jerry Springer style infomercials that come on late at night
<So Long Gay Blorser > Crazy how muggle and magical Britain align sometimes
<Mr. Pickles> "Call now and you'll receive the "Just Out of Hogwarts" swimsuit calendar!, only $19.95!"
<BTT> Beauxbatons you mean
<BTT> "Bloody hell," said Ron, with stars in his eyes. "I never knew Care of Magical Creatures could be this interesting."
<Mr. Pickles> That's the winner
<Otters> "You gotta stroke the, er, spine," said Hagrid nervously. Ron fearfully removed the ball-gag from Gabrielle's mouth.

 

Pun-based worldbuilding!

[18:48] Taure: "But who are beneath the gnomes?" Harry asked. "Who do they bank with?"
Griphook shook his head wryly. "It's gnomes all the way down, kid."
[18:50] Taure: "If you want to publish something that controversial, I'd recommend going through the gnomes," Griphook advised when Harry brought him the first draft of his book.
"Oh?" Harry asked, "what can they do for me?"
Griphook just looked at Harry like he was an idiot. "They'll give you a Gnome de Plume, of course."
[18:51] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Woof
[18:51] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Woof indeed
[18:52] Taure: I'm a big supporter of pun-based worldbuilding
[18:52] BTT: "Take care to not run afoul of the gnomes," Dumbledore advised. "Without fail you shall suffer an ignomenious end."
[18:52] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: I could imagine him saying
[18:52] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: That
[18:53] Taure: "But where do they live?" Harry asked. "I've never seen them around."
"Well, that's the thing," Griphook said. "Gnome one knows."
[18:54] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Lol
[18:54] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Gnomes one through 13
[18:55] BTT: Harry looked around him at the gnomes' cave system. It was surprisingly well-lit; you could tell the light wasn't natural, but it felt oddly cozy and comfortable. In the distance he could see a few of the more stout creatures walking around with great big plants: those, he supposed, were the gardening gnomes.
[18:56] Taure: "You know that feeling when you walk into a cathedral and you just feel awe?" Harry asked, looking around the cave system. "Well, I'm getting that now."
The gnome nodded. "They call that a gnomeinous feeling."
[18:57] Taure: That one is, I admit, somewhat niche.
[18:57] Taure: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/numinous
[18:58] Silirt: "Undesirable No. 1? What does that mean?" Harry asked.
[18:58] Silirt: "It means you're ignomeinious, Mr. Potter."
[18:58] BTT: already used that one, pal
[19:00] BTT: "But - but how did they make all of this?" Harry asked, his head spinning. "Why would they build everything to exactly the average length of a gnome, Professor?"
"Ah," said Dumbledore. "I think you'll find that their civilization are gnome mean builders."
[19:01] Taure: DOUBLE PUN
[19:01] Taure: DOMINATING
[19:03] Silirt: "I have been driven from my home in the ground, Mr. Potter. Now I wander."
[19:03] Silirt: "Oh, so that makes you a gnomad."
[19:05] BTT: "You see, it was a tricky business to parcel out a location where the gnomes would live, Harry. But, in the end, after a great deal of hemming and hawing at the ICW, we managed to grant Gnome Quarter."

 

The most impressive thing about that was that Brandark didn't get involved.

 

Wizarding news/weather reports.

---------

"Now for the weather. A front of melancholy will be passing through London this week. Meanwhile in Wales you can expect another day of jovial neighbourliness."

---------

"It's raining cats and dogs again in Cornwall; a good chance to feed your hippogriff."

---------

"Unspeakables from the Department of Mysteries have advised all wizards to avoid Milton Keynes this week, as it's jumped a week into the future again. Meanwhile, Glasgow is still stuck in the 1950s, a problem many believe the Ministry has given up trying to fix."

---------

"The Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes has this week been investigating a suspicious wave of xenophobia which has swept through the Muggle world. Following a meticulous inquiry, officials have reassured the WWN that there is no chance of it spreading to the wizarding community, as it has been successfully contained within the filthy Muggle world with their strange, foreign ways."

 

"Up next, we investigate the odd Muggle phenomenon they call the Internet. Stay tuned as we try to find out what exactly they're trying to catch with it."

Might as well throw in a bunch of my own IRC things while we're at it:

======

The Prime Minister stood agape as the wizard emerged from the fire. "But - you - I thought..." he sputtered. Finally, he managed a weak "What are you?"
"Why, I'm a Heliopath," said Fudge.

======

"But really," said Fudge, "this is quite the small office, isn't it? What say you we go for drinks at the Hog's Head?"
At this, the Prime Minister perked up.

======

"I'm sorry," said the Prime Minister. "Exactly how many children of mine are enrolled at Hogwarts? I've quite lost count, frankly."
Hermione shook her head in despair.

"Listen well," said Lucius to little Draco. "Never tell this to anyone, but we have a squib cousin just like the blood traitors do - Auroraborealis Malfoy, although I believe he now goes by Boris."

"Father, I have to confess something," said Draco. "My daughter, Triangulum Australe, is... a Squib."
"Okay," said Lucius, then raised an eyebrow. "What, did you think we were going to Longbottom her?"

======

"Look, I'm flattered," said Harry, looking away from Fleur's exposed titty. "But you're.... French."

======

"Harder, uncle!" Harry cried.
Vernon threw away his belt in disgust. "You're even more of a freak than I thought," he shouted.

======

"Sacre bleu," said Fleur. She had nearly forgotten to be an ethnic stereotype.

======

"My name is Albus Dumbledore," he said, and frowned when Tom let out a tirade of unintelligible cusses.
Of course, Dumbledore thought, realizing his mistake, and cast a charm to translate Tom's native Glaswegian.

======

"This... is truly the power that Voldemort knows not," said Dumbledore, his face bathed in soft white light. "The JO crystal."

======

"Look," said Harry. "I've got this amazing idea, right? First, we each cast the Cross-Eyed Curse on each other. Then we look into each other's eyes and do Legilimency. I call it the brainnet."

=======

"Ron, the only reason I can ask you this is because we're best mates through thick and thin," said Harry. "My marriage to Ginny hasn't been going too well, so I thought I'd ask - well - do you want to wife swap?"

=======

"Technically speaking," Dumbledore said, beginning his speech at Harry's wedding, "As lord of the Wizengamot, I have the right of prima nocte."

=======

"Honestly, Dumbledore," said Madam Maxime sniffing. "This school is an absolute disgrace. How many of your students have died?"
"One," said Dumbledore, his eyes losing their customary twinkle. "A student named Myrtle, some decades ago."
"Exactement!" shouted Maxime. "ICW guidelines demand at least two deaths per school year!"

=====

"Have you ever been to a Gringotts' will reading, Harry?" Dumbledore said, a haunted look in his eyes. "They settle inheritance disputes through trial by combat. Last I checked, in fact, the Merlin inheritance was available to anyone who could beat a Nundu without a wand."

=======

"Azkaban made me do things that I'm not proud of," said Sirius, a haunted look in his eyes. "Mostly Bellatrix."

=======

"Look, Harry," said Slughorn. "It's very simple. I need you to keister these five kg of magic cocaine, and deliver them to Gwenog Jones. Think you can do that?"

======

"Here's your son, Mr. Malfoy," said the Healer, handing him over. Then he grabbed a quill and an absolute stack of documents. "Now put this in his hand and have him sign all the magical contracts."
"So mote it be," baby Draco burbled.

========

"You can't buy a house in the middle of the war," said Hermione. "You'd have to pay a Voldemortgage."

=======

Dobby unsheathed his katana. "Dobby will now take out the trash," he whispered menacingly.

=====

"Show me..." rasped the voice, and Quirrel, shaking, complied: he turned around, hiked up his robes, and there - exactly where the sun didn't shine - was Voldemort.

=====

Voldemort stepped out of the cauldron nude, his body whole once more. "And now, Potter," he sneered, "To take care of that pesky spell your mudblood mother sacrificed herself for, I shall first make sure you are not a virgin any longer..."

======

"And yet," Dumbledore said, slowly, "I fail to see why the ritual should have brought you back in that form, Tom."
Voldemort stamped her adorable little feet. "It's Voldemort, you baka!" she screamed.

======

"Alas, Harry, I shall have to remove the Mirror of Erised," Dumbledore said. "A shame. It made for a bitching home entertainment setup."

=====

"Harry," said Remus, "We've come to take you away from the Dursleys. Happy birthday, by the way."
Harry looked at Remus and then to Tonks, and then back.
"No way," he said, thoughts racing through his mind at lightning speed. "You've even brought me a stripper?"

 

That Voldemortgage joke ought to merit a temp ban at the very least...

 

"Harry, why are we down here again?" Hermione asked as she tried to pull her school robes in a little to guard against the cold, damp air of the chamber.

Harry just grinned at her and pulled out a small glass phial. As he sauntered over towards the basilisk's slowly mouldering corpse, he said, "You said we needed money, well how many basilisks do you think come on the market? They're illegal to breed, after all!"

He bent over and placed the glass phial over the end of the remaining fang, and pushed it up hard. A moment later a drop of glistening green venom dropped into the glass container and smoked.

"How much do you think we'll be able to get for a whole phial of basilisk venom?" he asked as he waved it triumphantly.

"But Harry," said Hermione rapidly. "It doesn't have any uses. It just burns through-"

She was interrupted by Harry's horrified cry when he realised that the bottom of the heavily charmed glass phial had been burned through completely by the venom, and a large drop of it fell on his shoe which immediately started blackening.

"- everything," Hermione completed as Harry desperately pulled off his rapidly melting trainers.

-------------------------------​

"Well what the fuck do you want me to do with this?" asked Perfidious Modiste, Knockturn Ally's black market tailor. He held up the thick, scaly and, above all, smelly basilisk hide.

"Basilisk hide armour," said Harry, a broad grin spreading across his features at the thought of the kind of protection it would surely grant him.

Perfidious Modiste gave him the kind of look usually reserved for escaped lunatics, or Xenophilius Lovegood. "You having a laugh, mate? You can't make bloody anything out of this shit. It's pretty bloody simple. It can't hold a charm worth a damn."

"Exactly, it'll be impervious to spells!"

"And impervious to my needle too," said Perfidious. "Look, you can wear it as a bloody bedsheet if you like, but there's no way this is becoming clothes."

-------------------------------​

"Yes, wizard?" asked the goblin. "What do you want at this hour?"

Harry glanced around the atrium to make sure no-one was likely to overhear. Given it was 2am, there was no-one else around. Satisfied, Harry turned back to the now slightly more irked goblin and said, quietly, "I may have come into possession of approximately three tons of basilisk flesh and bone, and I'm looking to make a deal with the Goblin Nation."

"50 Galleons for pickup, and a further 100 Galleons for disposal."

"No, I mean I want to sell it to you," said Harry, his confidence faltering.

The goblin chuckled, though perhaps such a jovial word was not the right choice. It was laced with far too much malice to ever really be a chuckle. "You want to sell the Goblin Nation the highly toxic, rotting corpse of a dead monster? Alive it might have been worth something, it it was small enough at least. Dead? What do you take us for?"

Two guards came up behind Harry, and he was quickly led out of the bank.

"Bloody wizards," the goblin mumbled as Harry was led away. "What do they think we are, stupid?"

 

"Lucius," Lord Voldemort said, holding out his hand with a single, long, bony finger extended. "Pull my finger."

Lucius stared at Voldemort's offered hand dumbly. "My Lord?"

"Do not make me ask twice, Lucius."

Reluctantly, Lucius reached out and pulled Lord Voldemort's finger.

BANG!

Blood, brain, and fragments of bone splattered Lucius in the face and all over his robes, covering him in stinking viscera. Lord Voldemort howled with laughter.

"...my Lord?" Lucius asked, trembling. "Who was that?"

"Your son," Voldemort said. "April Fools!"

---------

Prompt for everyone:

"For the Death Eaters, 1 April is always a very anxious affair."

 

"Permanent?!" the now female Harry squeaked.

"I said it may be permanent," Madam Pomfrey replied. "We don't know the source of your change. It can't be Polyjuice, as that's only permanent if you're dead for at least ten minutes before it should wear off. I have heard tell of elixirs being sought in the darker corners of Knockturn Alley, but I wouldn't trust a one of them. There's good reason Alchemy is frowned upon for any purposes other than healing."

"Why is that?"

"Alchemy makes a permanent, typically irreversible change in a person's capabilities, which can be designed just as easily for ill as for good. That's why it's allowed and even necessary for healing but not for anything else. We wouldn't want your regrown bones, replenished blood or repaired skin to suddenly wear off, now would we? Bat wings and gills on the other hand..."

Professor McGonagall nodded in aggreement. "It would be best to consult with our experts, Professors Slughorn or Snape."

The prospect of having either man knowing of his condition gave Harry a twinge in his gorge. "Couldn't we ask the headmaster?"

"Professor Dumbledore is away on urgent business."

"That figures."

"Mis-- ehh Potter, in the range of magical accidents I've seen at Hogwarts, I don't feel that becoming a witch constitutes a crisis... or is even cause for great sorrow. Being a witch has served me well my whole life."

The look that Professor McGonagall wore gave Harry the sense that disagreeing with this opinion might earn him a trip to St. Mungo's... or Azkaban.

"I'll excuse you and Miss Granger from classes for the day, Potter. By Monday, I expect to see you in the Great Hall for breakfast, witch or wizard attire as it suits you."

"Yes, Professor."

 

Harry Potter and the Enblorgio Curse

Reaching the shop at the far end of Knockturn Alley, Harry's heart sank. It was happening here too.

"Blorgin and Blorks?" he asked. "This is even worse than Madam Blorkins. And don't get me started on Blorivander's wand shop. Some evil curse is at work here."

"I had better get back to Hogblors quickly," he muttered. "Professor Dumbleblor will need to know, before the curse spreads even further."

----

"Ah, yes," Professor Dumbleblor said, stroking his beard. "The dreaded Enblorgio Curse. We shall need a potion's master to brew a remedy. I shall contact Professor Slugblorn without delay."

----

Professor Slugblorn came through the Floo just minutes later. "Ah, Harry, my bloy!" he ejaculated, "always a pleasure. But I'm afraid for this potion, we are going to need a special ingredient. You will need to fetch me the fur of a Blortruckle."

----

"'Arry," breathed Bleur breastily, "Somezing iz 'appening to me. Please, ask Professor Slugblorn to hurry with his potion."

----

"Harry Blotter," Voldeblort said, his voice little more than a whisper. "The Bloy Who Lived, come to die." He paused, frowning, before dawning realisation crossed his face. "You fool, Blotter! You have blought the Enblorgio curse with you! SNAPE! Go help Professor Slugblorn immediately!"

 

It should Bloo.

 

"I 'ave accepted a new job," Fleur declared over dinner at the Burrow. "Ze Ministry 'as agreed to take me on as zair new sexecutioner."

--------

Daily Prophet:

CRIME SKYROCKETS, MINISTRY BAFFLED AS TO CAUSE

--------

Madam Bones peered down at the defendant from her raised dias. "For your crimes, I sentence you to death."

The Defendant's head bowed in defeat.

"Death by sexecutioner," Madam Bones added.

The Defendant looked up, eyes gleaming. "Yes!"

 

"So," Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time, spoke softly. "Have you manipulated Harry into giving up all of his Wizengamot seats yet, my boy?"

Ronald Weasley shook his head, looking exasperated. "After all I do for him! I haven't even shagged Hermione yet, and I can tell he's already shagging my sister! Oh, the sacrifices I make for the greater good! Oh, woe is me!"

The twinkling in the Headmaster's eyes dimmed slightly, reminding Ron that this was the man to defeat Gellert Grindelwald. "This isn't about you, this is about justice. We have already discussed the need for those seats. The only way to ensure the prosperity of the wizarding world is if I am the sole dictator."

"Dictator?"

"Savior," Dumbledore shook his head. "Honestly, you're so distracted with your jealousy of my other boy that you can't even hear right."

"Right," Ron paused. "So anyways, back to my problems -"

The door suddenly opened, revealing an incredibly pissed off Harry Potter. "Ron, how could you?! I thought we were friends!"

Ron gulped, before turning towards Dumbledore accusingly. "He did it! He's evil! Worse than Voldie, really!"

"...Voldie," the old man whispered underneath his breath.

"Oh," Harry sighed with relief. "Well, that's a relief! I thought I would have to use my new godlike abilities to kill both of you, but now I only have to kill Dumbledore. Less strain on me."

"Godlike abilities?!" Ron was getting excited, almost wetting his pants.

"Why, of course! Death visited me after I miraculously attained all of the Hollows through wandless magic that Fate bestowed upon me. Now, I can teleport across the world without loosing a breath, compel people to do my bidding by only looking at them, and suck people's souls out like a Dementor!"

Ron chuckled nervously, and it was Dumbledore's turn to wet his pants.

Not that it mattered, because before the Chief Warlock could even finish pissing, he fell over dead. Harry didn't even have to look at him.

Harry and Ron lived happily ever after.

The End.

 

"Professor, I know that this is a bit of a personal question but... What do you see when you look in the Mirror of Erised?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"A pair of thick white Bavarian cocks."

In retrospect, the revelations in Rita Skeeter's 'Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore' didn't shock Harry very much at all.

 

He actually probably would've made money on this lol. The insurance payouts were substantially higher than the purchase price of the wtc complex which changed hands from the city to a private owner in early/mid-2001.