1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

Drabbles to Undermine Tropes

Discussion in 'Fanfic Discussion' started by Taure, May 8, 2020.

  1. RandyRanderson

    RandyRanderson Second Year

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2019
    Messages:
    67
    Gender:
    Male
    "Harry!"

    Harry stopped and turned around, eyes narrowing in caution. Harry saw Draco Malfoy furiously running at him, pushing through the crowds in Diagon Alley, with his parents running to catch up.

    "I'm in heat and I need to impregnate you, you're my omega!"

    "I'm sorry, Malfoy, what?" Harry asked.

    "You're my omega, Harry! I figured it out when I was thinking about you last weekend!" Draco replied, smiling.

    Harry shuddered as the meaning struck him. "I'm sorry, are you trying to tell me you're attracted to me?"

    "It's more than that, obviously," Draco said before he launched into an explanation of Alphas, Betas, and Omegas.

    Harry's mouth widened and began to look around for a way out. Trouble always did seem to find him. He saw Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy catch up with Draco. Harry grew a bit confused when he saw them whisper at each other with panicked expressions.

    "Lucius, have you been forgetting the silencing charms when we roleplay?"

    "Maybe? Why didn't he tell us about it? Does he think we really mean what we act?"

    "I think it's worse that that, he's found our roleplaying diaries if his comments on other alphas are any indication."

    "Fuck," Lucius summarized succinctly.

    "Submit Potter!"

    Apologies if this doesn't fit the purpose of the thread.
     
  2. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    2,199
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    "You lost me my Pokemon, Potter!" Lucius spat, drawing his wand and pointing it at Harry.

    "Dobby!" Dobby cried, thrusting his hand forwards and launching Lucius through the air.

    Harry patted Dobby on his head. "You did good, Dobby."

    "Dobby-dob!" Dobby cried happily, before returning to his Pokeball.

    -------------------

    Harry leaned over Snape's pensieve, eager to see his mother again.

    "Careful, Potter," Snape warned as Harry peered into the basin of swirling, pearly white liquid. "It's not only memories in there."

    -------------------

    "Harry, I return to you your true name," Grindelwald said. "Hadrian Dumbledore."

    Harry stared at Grindelwald. "Go home, Gellert, you're drunk. You can't just go around telling literally everyone they're secretly a Dumbledore."

    Grindelwald's drunken gaze fell onto the nearby house-elf. "Dobby, I return to you your true name - Dubious Dumbledore."

    -------------------

    "Harry, I have devised a most ingenious way to allow you to leave the Dursleys," Dumbledore said.

    Harry perked up. "Really? What?"

    "As you know, so long as you consider a place where your mother's blood dwells your home, the charm I placed on you will hold and Voldemort will be unable to harm you. That's why I have decided that you should spend your summer with Voldemort himself."

    Harry stared at Dumbledore. "What?"

    "Don't you see?" Dumbledore said excitedly. "He took your blood, your mother's blood! Voldemort himself will satisfy the conditions of the Charm. So long as you live with him, he cannot harm you!"

    Welcome to the latest wizarding sitcom staring Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2020
  3. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2011
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Cyber City Oedo
    High Score:
    1204
    "Why is it," said Harry, "that Pokemon seem to come in two shapes: ugly gnome and hot woman?"
    "Griphook," said Griphook. "Grip grip griphook."

    "Look, Daphne," said Harry, leaning over the fence. "I know you're not happy about this, and trust me, I'd rather not either, but breeding with Dudley is the only way to get the right set of egg moves for the current meta."

    ------

    "Harry, how on Earth did you get Occlumency shields of such strength?" Daphne asked.
    "Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?" he asked.

    ------

    "But I don't get it, Dumbledore," said McGonagall. "Why are we leaving him here? This building doesn't seem to be one where people live at all."
    "Ah, Minerva, you haven't kept up with the Muggles," said Dumbledore. "This is a blood bank."

    ------

    "I just don't get it," Harry said in frustration. "What the hell do you see in Hermione, Viktor?"
    "I haff jungle fever," said Krum, shrugging.

    ------

    "Ah, Mr. Malfoy, thank you for coming to visit St. Mungo's," said the Healer. "Come with me, I'll give you a tour of our pride and joy: the biggest leech farm in all of Europe."

    ------

    (premise: Snape comes to get Harry instead of Hagrid)
    "You know," Harry said, hesitating. "I'm not sure I actually want to be a wizard like you, Professor Snape."

    ------

    (Fun fact: Russians play Quidditch, not on brooms, but on trees they've uprooted entirely.)
    "Right," said Garry Potter Jamesovich, squatting near the Whomping Willow and staring at it. "You listen here, tree: I've got a Quidditch match soon, and I don't want to be broomless, da?"

    ------

    "And now," said Dumbledore solemnly, "We rise for the national anthem. Each of you, please, pick a favorite tune..."

    ------

    "Dumbledore!" Harry shouted epicly, busting open the door to the Hog's Head Inn. "I've come to end your machinations!"
    "You need to be 18 to be here," said Aberforth, and Harry was marched out the door, frowning.

    ------

    "Look, Harry," said Ron. "That's cousin Billy-Bob over there."
    "How come you've never mentioned him before?" asked Harry. "Is he a squib or something?"
    "Worse," said Ron, looking miserable in his rented wedding tuxedo. "He's from Alabama."

    ------

    "Look, Daphne," said Harry. "I'm a Grey Lord, okay? I can kill a Death Eater, sure, but I'll have to kill a baby too then. It's all about balance."

    ------

    (Premise: Veela are perhaps more closely related to the Dementors than commonly thought)
    "Look, 'Arry, a Dementor," said Fleur. "Petite salope, floating around like that. Slut."

    ------

    (Premise: why would wizards have similar genitalia to muggles?)
    "Bloody hell," said Harry, staring at Daphne's cooter. "Muggle health class didn't tell me about the second clitoris and the teeth."

    "Potter is a fucking freak," said Dudley to Piers. "He's got a corkscrew dick with an eye at the tip."

    ------

    "No, the real you," said Harry, and he watched, stunned, as Daphne suddenly revealed herself to be Millicent Bulstrode in disguise.

    ------

    (On the topic of wizarding drinks)
    "Look, Harry," said Ron. "Dean brought firewhiskey!"
    "Pfft," said Harry. "Sirius got me this: Martian Baja Blast."

    "Hmph," said Harry. "You still drink pumpkin juice, Malfoy? I only drink purestrain free-range organic gluten-free locally produced Veela milk."

    ------

    "So," Harry said. "What are you going to do this summer, Daphne?"
    "I think I'll ask mum to let me see the zoo," she said. "They've got a new muggle exhibit in."

    ------

    "Oh, a dick-shrinking charm, Mr. Potter?" Madam Pomfrey said. "Not to worry. I'll cast a counter-charm, and it shall grow until you tell me 'stop'."

    ------

    (On the topic of a HP/DC crossover)
    "Ah, Dr. Fate," said Superman. "I see you've gotten rid of that nasty floor-shitting habit of yours."

    ------

    Hermione's eyebrows furrowed. "But my mom's still married to my dad," she said.
    "Pssht," said Draco smugly. "Magical law supersedes muggle law, everyone knows that."

    ------

    "I can take Voldemort killing my parents," said Harry. "I can take him trying to kill me like six times by this point? But my owl? This motherfucker is done".

    ------

    "So," Harry said, finishing his epic speech on House-Elf Rights. "All those in favour, say aye!"
    There came a solitary noise from Lord Dribbler, whose name had only gotten more accurate as despite expectations he kept living; it was public knowledge that he was so conservative he refused to not shit in public.

    ------

    (Premise: Harry finds out that maybe marriage contracts are a very good excuse to get some strange, and then kill some Death Eaters.)
    "Mister Potter," said Bulstrode's attorney, "It is highly irregular to present us with a marriage contract in return for - " and he checked the contract - "three bottles of Firewhiskey and a McDonalds hamburger."

    ------

    "Hold on," said Harry. "Why do I need to marry Bellatrix again?" Cockmongler,
    primary caretaker goblin of the Potter estate, shrugged. "Hey, your uncle signed the paperwork without looking at it. Don't blame me."
    "But - but I wanted one of the hot Blacks," Harry said. "You know, Narcissa, or maybe Andromeda or Tonks or something."
    "Really, mister Potter, I think you complain too much. She is a fine -" Cockmongler uttered a quick goblin phrase which sounded eerily like 'slampig' - " and her hips are suited to birthing you many children."

    ------

    "I'm sorry, Daphne, but your position requires you to blow me," Harry said. "Frankly, keep up this awful performance and I'll have to go to the headmaster."

    ------

    "Oh, Griphook's invited me to his son's bar mitzvah," Harry said, waving his invitation around.
    "Harry!" Hermione hissed. "We all agreed to pretend that they weren't jewish stereotypes!"

    ------

    "Well," said Dumbledore, casting his gaze over the two shell-shocked first years, the dead troll, and Hogwarts' newest, bucktoothed ghost. "This has all gone rather cock-eyed, hasn't it?"

    ------

    (Upon finding out that Lavender Brown died)
    "Look, Lav-Lav," madam Pomfrey said sympathetically. "We already have Bill as the token sort-of-werewolf on our side to replace Remus, so it's time to go to a farm upstate now."

    ------

    "Why, it's mister Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived!" said one amazed bystander.
    Harry tutted. "That's sir Potter to you, random citizen."

    ------

    "My man Young Snape," said Dumbledore, throwing a gang sign. "Still spitting like Fiendfyre, yo?"

    ------

    "Ron has been dousing you with Love Potions!" Harry shouted at Hermione.
    "Hot," she said, shuddering in delight. "Now force me into an arranged marriage and call me the M-word."

    "Well, of course she's been dousing me," Ron said, looking at Harry oddly. "How else do you think Wizarding Marriage works?"

    ------

    "Danaerys Khaleesi Potter," said Harry. "You're named that because when you were born season 8 wasn't out yet."

    ------

    "Shit," Harry said, having pricked his thumb with his quill. Some of his blood had gotten on his Defense essay, and he was really starting to miss pens.
    A week later, Quirrel exploded.

    ------

    "Hagrid, why are you the one to give us sex ed?" Hermione asked, stumbling over the last words.
    "Me dear old da' was a literal sexplorer," Hagrid said gravely. "Killed him in the end, o' course..."
     
  4. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    2,199
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Harry quickly discovered that Fleur took a very different approach to teaching Occlumency than Professor Snape.

    "I do not know legilimency, but I 'ave my own talents," Fleur explained.

    Harry's eyes followed her closely, unable to resist the draw of her svelte figure, her silk robes clinging to her curves. "Talents?" he asked, his voice coming out higher than he would have liked.

    "Oui. Now, remember, you must feel nothing. Clear your mind, 'Arry." She began to undo the buttons of her robe, revealing a tantalising glimpse of bare skin beneath. "When you can resist me, zat is when you will 'ave mastered Occlumency."

    Regrettably, Harry did not take to Occlumency naturally. He would need many, many more lessons.
     
  5. BlitherBlip

    BlitherBlip First Year

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2017
    Messages:
    30
    Gender:
    Male
    "Well," Dumbledore said, staring at the enormous crater that was once called Gringotts, "I suppose I should of told him why I put all those restraints on his magical core."



    Dumbledore groaned in pleasure, watching the Gryffindor dorm rooms through his enchanted mirror.
    Turns out keeping a bunch of teenagers with the ability to make Love Potions, Polyjuice, and Contraceptive charms in the same castle for months ended up having an entirely predictable result.


    "But I only used the Unforgivables on Death Eaters!" cried Harry.
    "Rules are rules kid," Amelia Bones said regretfully, "You're off to Azkaban."
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2020
  6. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2011
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Cyber City Oedo
    High Score:
    1204
    With regards to Umbridge reclassifying Veelas as XXXXX-class creatures:

    <BTT> is it Fleur specifically that's XXXXX?
    <Mr. Pickles> Just Veela in general
    <So Long Gay Blorser > I hope the French Veela monetise this.
    <So Long Gay Blorser > Pentuple X Cabaret shows and such
    <So Long Gay Blorser > The ping pong trick, except it’s a quaffle
    <So Long Gay Blorser > Magical
    <Mr. Pickles> If anyone could, it'd be veela ♡
    <BTT> The XXXXX Go XXX: The Show
    <So Long Gay Blorser > ‘too hot for GB’
    <BTT>"Our women are so hot they're literally banned in Britain!"
    <Mr. Pickles> In Jerry Springer style infomercials that come on late at night
    <So Long Gay Blorser > Crazy how muggle and magical Britain align sometimes
    <Mr. Pickles> "Call now and you'll receive the "Just Out of Hogwarts" swimsuit calendar!, only $19.95!"
    <BTT> Beauxbatons you mean
    <BTT> "Bloody hell," said Ron, with stars in his eyes. "I never knew Care of Magical Creatures could be this interesting."
    <Mr. Pickles> That's the winner
    <Otters> "You gotta stroke the, er, spine," said Hagrid nervously. Ron fearfully removed the ball-gag from Gabrielle's mouth.
     
  7. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2011
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    Cyber City Oedo
    High Score:
    1204
    Pun-based worldbuilding!

    [18:48] Taure: "But who are beneath the gnomes?" Harry asked. "Who do they bank with?"
    Griphook shook his head wryly. "It's gnomes all the way down, kid."
    [18:50] Taure: "If you want to publish something that controversial, I'd recommend going through the gnomes," Griphook advised when Harry brought him the first draft of his book.
    "Oh?" Harry asked, "what can they do for me?"
    Griphook just looked at Harry like he was an idiot. "They'll give you a Gnome de Plume, of course."
    [18:51] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Woof
    [18:51] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Woof indeed
    [18:52] Taure: I'm a big supporter of pun-based worldbuilding
    [18:52] BTT: "Take care to not run afoul of the gnomes," Dumbledore advised. "Without fail you shall suffer an ignomenious end."
    [18:52] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: I could imagine him saying
    [18:52] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: That
    [18:53] Taure: "But where do they live?" Harry asked. "I've never seen them around."
    "Well, that's the thing," Griphook said. "Gnome one knows."
    [18:54] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Lol
    [18:54] Cyn, Blor Cyn.: Gnomes one through 13
    [18:55] BTT: Harry looked around him at the gnomes' cave system. It was surprisingly well-lit; you could tell the light wasn't natural, but it felt oddly cozy and comfortable. In the distance he could see a few of the more stout creatures walking around with great big plants: those, he supposed, were the gardening gnomes.
    [18:56] Taure: "You know that feeling when you walk into a cathedral and you just feel awe?" Harry asked, looking around the cave system. "Well, I'm getting that now."
    The gnome nodded. "They call that a gnomeinous feeling."
    [18:57] Taure: That one is, I admit, somewhat niche.
    [18:57] Taure: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/numinous
    [18:58] Silirt: "Undesirable No. 1? What does that mean?" Harry asked.
    [18:58] Silirt: "It means you're ignomeinious, Mr. Potter."
    [18:58] BTT: already used that one, pal
    [19:00] BTT: "But - but how did they make all of this?" Harry asked, his head spinning. "Why would they build everything to exactly the average length of a gnome, Professor?"
    "Ah," said Dumbledore. "I think you'll find that their civilization are gnome mean builders."
    [19:01] Taure: DOUBLE PUN
    [19:01] Taure: DOMINATING
    [19:03] Silirt: "I have been driven from my home in the ground, Mr. Potter. Now I wander."
    [19:03] Silirt: "Oh, so that makes you a gnomad."
    [19:05] BTT: "You see, it was a tricky business to parcel out a location where the gnomes would live, Harry. But, in the end, after a great deal of hemming and hawing at the ICW, we managed to grant Gnome Quarter."
     
  8. Seratin

    Seratin Proudmander –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2007
    Messages:
    222
    Location:
    Dún na ngall
    High Score:
    5,792
    The most impressive thing about that was that Brandark didn't get involved.
     
Loading...