I felt the way you are dealing with the Neville situation to be rather inconsistant. It seems as if you are changing the way you are dealing with him. At first you seem to be playing it up and now it seems as if you think you have gone to far and are pullng it back. It just doesnt flow well and reads badly.

I personally like this Nevill to a certain extent. I would think he would go after junior DE's but I doubt he would become so jaded so fast. Sure he lost his family but he should be on a journey to being insane not snap.

I am almost losing interest in this story right now. I greatly look foward to Bungle were as this is just something to read if I have time. I just seems to have fallen into a common trap for fanfic authors which is bogging it down with filler.

 

I think the problem with this fic for me is that while each scene is well written and entertaining, there's really not much by way of overarching plot. It's like we're reading about a bunch of stuff that just sort of happens. It almost reminds me of the A Game of Thrones series--but unless you're going to write 1,000 pages worth of stuff, it doesn't really work for a story. Contrast with Bungle (and, from what we've seen, The Lie I've Lived), which is pretty focused.

Look at the training scenes--very similar between Bungle and Fight, but in Bungle they are a lot more connected with the plot (and thus, in my opinion, more interesting and fun to read). I think a big reason for that is that there is more plot to connect to in Bungle.

Also, I can appreciate that you feel the newspaper scenes should be in there for realism, but including ideological battles in fanfiction always seems to end badly.

 

Hmn. I dropped out of the story after Chapter 18 since I'm not really a fan of WIPs. I recently decided to go back and take a look, and I have to admit that I'm impressed.

I think you've done an admirable job showing that there is a world outside of and not revolving around Harry Potter. The slow build-up of forces against Harry and the various subplots and story threads weave together in what I find to be my expectations of what war would do to an insulated community. I also like how ever character has flaws, and at times, can be downright dislikable, and not just the Death Eaters.

Neville seems to be a tip of the hat to Dark!Harry fans, since his actions mirror exactly what a lot of dark fics seem to have Harry doing. Otherwise, good on him. He's doing a good job, except that he doesn't really seem all that discriminatory. The irony of his joining Bellatrix in sadistic madness is pleasant to contemplate.

I also loved your characterization of Hagrid, from his fight scenes to his death. I'm not a big fan of the letters thing, though.

Now, since I've praised the fact that you have made a fairly realistic anti-fluff war piece, I have a few gripes.

You've spent over thirty chapters slowly building up plot, opening several different fronts to the war, introducing dodgy characters, getting people in position, but the forces are nowhere near equal, and it seems at this point that a resolution for the entire fic in ten more chapters is more than a bit optimistic.

Also, the story seems to be slowing down, and the sideplots are getting wider. I think the story needs tightening, with more focus on Harry's actions in the war, his relations with his classmates (Perhaps Harry should be the one to find out about Neville's hobby?), and perhaps a more specific goal for Voldemort's defeat rather than his slapdash reactive methods thus far, etc.

Also, the smear campaign I'm smelling. Didn't we get enough of that in OotP? So far, we only have Voldemort's plan and one article by Skeeter, but would the Daily Prophet really want to start printing accusations against Scrimgeor and Potter after OotP?

 

Great Update as always although there isn't much happening other than tomb raiding Voldemort and a hint of what's in Coedus' head. Btw, is it me or were you trying to tell everyone that Coedus was on Voldy's side?

 

I haven't had a chance to jot down my authors notes. Let's see if I can do them on the fly.

Scene 1 - Already pretty much discussed in the tease. Coedus' method of teaching, a bit like Snape with bias towards none.

Scene 2 - People will ask why didn't DD cremate James and Lily. Well, perhaps it wasn't their wish to be burned. He did protect them to the best extent possible and it would have stopped all but the most powerful...

Scene 3 - Back to Harry though he isn't out fighting anyone this chapter (except arguing with Rita next scene) he gets his character time. To address the above comment from Wetnurse, it was more of a chapter to reposition the pieces on the board but a good number of things happend in the chapter.

Scene 4 - I know it seems like I dislike Hermione. I actually don't, but it's just that JKR lets Hermione get away with everything. I know we're not supposed to feel bad for Rita in canon, but she is kidnapped and then blackmailed by Hermione.

Anyway, all the Slytherins knew about her illegal animagus talent, if she was afraid of being blackmailed why would she let Draco Malfoy know? In this version, she plays along with Hermione because she can tell that Hermione is going to come back to her at some point. In trash tabloid journalism, it is all about access. So, if Rita has to play the poor non working girl just to get the story, then that's what she'll do.

Scene 5 - I found I liked writing from the mindset of Gilderoy almost as much as writing as Rita. Now that's fun. Probably, why I like watching The Emperor's New School with my 5yr old. Pretty twisted little cartoon for Disney.

Scene 6 - Peter finishing Gilderoy and Luna, while kidnapping Frank and Alice. Anyone think Neville might be a bit angry about this turn of events?

Scene 7 - Coedus has a choice to make. So he's going to evaluate the options. That means really taking a hard look at the boy wonder.

Scene 8 - I like an occasional fluff scene. I decided to go with Triplets. Why not? Though I've noticed I usually write the fluff scenes from Susan's POV.

Scene 9 & 10- Narcissa unleashed. Voldy loses his right hand man and Penny loses her father. Dolohov needed to be intimidating, but not over the top.

And now for your comments...

Jim

 

Damnit. You get my hopes up by curing Lockhart, making me think you'll be able to cure Luna, then you go and kill her. What'd she do to you, man? I mean, I know she was a bitch to your main character in Bungle, but damn. She's my favorite character.

Good chapter, though. Even the Luna pancake.

 

Another filler chapter... I can't say it was interesting, or that I look foward to more. I can say that the Battle your gearing up for (Haloween i think you said) better be damn good to justifie what I see as several chapters of build up and filler. I'm not demanding you hurry up with the action or cut the filler out or anything, I have no right to ask that and have no suggestions on how to do it with out impacting on your story line. But as a reader I will say that my interest started waining soon after the Snape fight.

I'm not sure if that was because that was such a good fight everything after it seems anti climatical but from then on my interest has been decidedly average.

From memory I'll try to break down the high points so far.

First chapter we were flung right into a fight. We see Harry is going to take on Voldemort and while not beat him in a even fight we see he will fight. Even after that the character interaction was intence. With Harry telling Dumbledore to shove it up his ass and seeing Harry side with the minsitry which is almost never done in fiction. This can be considered filler as it is not really action but it is just as interesting and as much of a conflist as a real fight.

Then we jump into Azkaban which was nicely done giving us a look at a decent strategy from Voldemort thats not the generic "Get a bunch of DE's firing AK and reducto to knock the place down" We get a look at a good duel and the real power of Voldemort taking out 4 of very good aurors.

We go back to Harry doing his own thing and not letting others (Molly) tell him what to do. He finds a new ability (Which you thankfully had a good excuse for) and shows what he can do and shows a bit of his more mature thinking in his dealings with Darius.

More "Filler" but still keeping the conflict going. Having us know something they don't is a very old but still good plot device which you used beautifully with Penny.

Dumbledore vs Voldemort. A great battle and shows again that it's not all about Harry.

Harry and the use of the ritual was a truely original idea and was great. A good way of showing an alternate way of taking down Voldemort.

Now I personally don't like the way you delt with the Abbots and Harry going off to attack the safe houses. I'm not sure if it's because of my own blood thirsty nature or what but these chapters didn't sit well. The attack was rather lack luster and while the distription of The Dementors was good the whole feeling I got after reading it was "So what" It kind of felt like you wanted Harry to deal Voldemort a heavy hit but not waste to much time on it.

The raid on the head quarters was great and what I consider the high point of the story. Harry gets nailed but still comes out on top. Both give it there all but both make mistakes. Harry snaping was also nice even if it left the problem of dealing with it latter which I felt wasn't done great but then I can't really think of any other way of dealing with it.

From here on it's been rather drawn out. The conflict you had during the previous filler chapter has all but gone. Neville is a interesting element but feels forced and yet more filler but with a sinister twist.

It seems as if the light side is getting everything there way.

We are in a school now you may say. How much conflict can there be?

SHIT LOADS!!!

We have a quarter of the school which is hated my the other three quarters for causing this war.

Only (Pulls number out of his ass) a half of slytherin has anything directly or indirectly to do with the war. There must be lots of people in Slytherin from families to low down on the social ladder for Voldemort not to care about their support but they are still being grouped in with those who are by everyone else.

Using Draco's perspective would have been great here showing the internal politics of the Slytherin Common room. Those who support the war and want to help. Those who's families support the war but they personally resent it for killing members of there families when they just want a peaceful life. Those few who are against Voldemort but can't do anything about because the rest of the school thinks they are all junior death eaters. And those who don't give a shit about anything but are drawin into the conflict by a hat putting them in a house a few years ago. That could of added a very interesting and relevent dimension to your story and given this filler arc something to hold our attention.

Outside of Slytherin we have those Students who want to fight the war. Those who want to be left alone but are dragged into it. Those who are to young to really know whats happening (Harry didn't know what a DE was until the 4th year for fucks sake and he is fucking boy who lived!!!) and those in non slytherin houses who support Voldemort... potentially the most dangerous group of all!

All these students have a wand... A wand is capable of great and terrible things...

That school should be a fucking war zone ever lunch hour.

"My family was killed by your Dad... DIE SCUM!!!!!!"

"Your Brother arrested my Mum... DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

"Shut up I'm trying to study here... DIE YOU MANGY SPIV!!!!!!!"

The story shouldn't have died down arriving at Hogwarts it should have fucking exploded. The students would have to be seperated during class and taken to ther common rooms right away. Complete segregation of the school.

And I doubt the pressence of aurors or teachers would stop shit. I've seen Student walk up to and knock out other students infront of teachers several times. Teenagers are not rational.

OK so I think you said you have about 6 chapters left. Let me try to predict the future.

We get to see the Battle of Hogsmead which Voldemort will win crushing moral of the public. Dumbledore will die there along with several prominant characters as you have only killed a lot of secondary characters so far. You need to kill off Hermione or someone like that.

Voldemort will play his hand with Harrys and Nevilles perents. Even though they have been prewarned it will still piss them off. Neville will snap rampaging through the junior DE's. Harry will make a mistake which will cost the life of someone but ultimatly survive.

I leaning towards Dumbledore knowing all about Voldemorts offer to Codius but not acting on it in time because he hopes Codius will do the right thing.

Codius will side with Voldmort for the promise of his life back. His price or this will be bringing Susan to Voldemort.

Harry will snap and somehow beat Voldmort by using his Dementor given powers.

There will be no Happy ending fo him prving that war truly is a terrible thing.

PS Just a thought I had while reading your take on Dolovan (sp?) Why the hell is it that only Voldemort (And harry in dark!harry stories) has under gone dark rituals? Sure not everyone may have the power skill and knowledge to do them but some of his followers must do a few of them. Dolovan would have been a prime candidate for it. He doesnt have to Worry about disfigurement as he is already know as a evil wizard and can't exactly walk down the main road of Hogsmead. It would have been great to see him get hit some sort of curse but manage to shake it off due to his ritual enhanced magical resistence. Don't make him superman but still....

You could clame that Voldemort doesnt want anyone who can challenge him in his ranks. True but he also wants good and powerful followers who can do his bidding.

To late to do it here but you may want to consider it for another story.

So in Summery. A good story that seems to be dragging on. Still salvagable but not the best.

On the other Hand Bungle is the other way around. Keeps getting better and I can't wait for more of it!

TEAOS.

 

Now I was going to try to concoct a review, but after reading TEAOS's post I feel there isn't anything for me to add, as he put the whole lot under consideration. I actually feel a little inadequate. Say, TEAOS! Do you have any fic that you are correcting? As beta I mean. I feel that it would be an interesting read.

Jim. You are brilliant! I was caught up and was unable to read the previous chapter until now. The Dark Lord's press release was something I wasn't expecting one bit. Absolutely brilliant!

Until now I was more eager for your other 2 fics, especially Bungle, but the last two chapters leveled the field. Keep up the good work!

 

No I don't have any one story I am helping someone with. I do sometimes get sent stuff to check over but usually only when someone wants an opinion on how something reads.

 

Jim this was my favorite fic. But Bungle has surpassed it in every way, shape, and form. This fic has become filler. While this chapter is better than some of the other ones it still is far below what it used to be.

3/5

 

Damn. I was hoping that she'd survived the 20ft fall, or had dropped free earlier, some sort of loophole. Hoping that her attacking Wormtail might have been a sign of part of her mind clicking back into action. I like Luna ....

But now I've read that you've killed her ... :-(

 

Thanks for the long replies. Especially TEAOS. Things will begin to spiral out of control shortly at Hogwarts. It's only the 10th of September. Give it a little time and perhaps another accident or two. The story is beginning the runup to it's conclusion, if it seems sluggish at this moment, don't worry. It won't be forever.

Still, the chapter was just shy of 9K and I think that was plenty for the moment.

Jim

 

Something was bugging me about the Rita Skeeter interaction, and I think I figured out what it was (besides Rita's sudden transformation into Basil Exposition). One of the trends in this fic is that it takes secondary or tertiary characters and makes them surprisingly cunning or powerful (Peter, Hagrid, Susan, etc.). The problem with this is, as they said in The Incredibles, "when everybody's special, no one is special". By now any canon character that hasn't gotten a boost in the power/smarts department can't compete with the boosted characters. It's a little like what happened in the Flairgold story, albeit much less drastic and much less annoying.

I still enjoy reading this fic, but I don't really look forward to updates like I used to.

 

to my mind, this was one of the better AUs out there until you seemed to lose your way with your inconsistent treatment of neville and harry. while i appreciate the fact that neville could have been the "chosen one," you are now doing a better job of writing him than harry. it's as though harry's relationship with susan prevents him achieving his full potential (he's whipped now that she's pregnant. a good reason to knock her off?). and, while i can appreciate the fact that you are moving the chessmen about on the board, we need less exposition and more action.

 

Interesting that people seem to think the story has lost it's way because Harry hasn't been offing people lately.

As for the "Incredibles" argument, Susan is a more interesting character, but is she really any more powerful than Hermione. The answer is no. She was barely keeping up with Tonks prior to her injure followed by pregnancy and Harry has since moved on to Flitwick.

Hagrid was more interesting, but now he's dead. Rita should have more dimension to her than was given in book 4 and 5.

You'll notice that Ron and Hermione have also been given more 'humanizing' treatment. Ron shows a bit more personality than SuperStrategicgenius Ron and Hermione has a bit more depth than most stories where she isn't the love interest. She gives a pointed argument of all the reasons why H/Hr wouldn't work, because I like to tourque the Portkey.org crowd.

I thought the Narcissa/Dolohov fight was one of my best though it didn't involve Harry.

I should note that Neville didn't even appear in the last chapter.

Oh well, enough rambling. More action on the way...

Jim

 

I don' care if Harry isnt off killing people. It's the utter lack of conflict thats getting to be. As I said you had several chapters with no death at all, several chapters in a row infact but they still had a confrintational air to them. That seems to be lacking now. I said have already stated what I think Hogwarts would be like so wont say it again but I find the how period to be rather boring.

Along with the inter house fights I mentioned I could also see Harry at ends with his trainers. He wants to use the Dark arts a little more (Nothing serious but still something to give him a insight into the DE's and Voldemort) But his trainers and Dumbledore especially not allowing it causing more friction and his turning to Codius maybe. I know he is afrid of going dark afte the Snape and dementor fights but still I could see him looking into it.

I for one have no problem with the power levels of your characters. Hagrid was not powerful just brave as hell. Amilia but up a fight but was soundly out classes. The unprepare aurors had their ass's handed to them. Your portrayal of peoples skill tend to more realistic than most stories... you for one arent having kids fight the war.

 

Chapter 33 is up - Author's Notes

And it’s back to this story. Currently, I plan to complete it around chapter 40 with no sequel planned.

Scene 1 – Concluding the events from the previous chapter. Often Dumbledore is portrayed as a buffoon. Other times he is a superman. I prefer a man who has too many balls in the air to try and keep up with things. He always struck me as the kind of person who tries to do everything himself and fails because of his inability to delegate. Oddly, Harry may be following in his footsteps.

Scene 2 – Neville’s a little careless when he’s angry. He lets too much of his new ‘nature’ show through in this encounter with Pansy.

Scene 3 – Harry’s raven form hasn’t gotten a lot of exposure in this story. Some have argued that Harry hasn’t gotten a lot of exposure in recent chapters. Only later in the chapter does Harry begin to realize how his one track mind causes issues for others around him.

Scene 4 – Narcissa continues to shine as an interesting character. This scene probably shows that I’ve been watching too much House lately – damn good show though. Of course things get worse for Cissy and Charlie, did anyone really want a happy fluff scene?

Scene 5 – Originally, scene 4 and posted as the tease. Big thanks again to Kokopelli for helping to create a Jamaican accent. I opted not to make the Annette and Narcissa conversations thick with French accents otherwise the chapter would be barely readable! Let’s just assume that Annette can speak English without a heavy accent. You would think in all of Voldemort’s travels he would have spent time in the Bayou and the Islands learning Voodoo.

Scene 6 – Ever notice how willing one witch is to get busy with another witch in most fanfics? I wanted to tweak that a bit by making Cissy a bit disgusted by what she was doing. There was originally an internal dialogue with Narcissa recalling her sole encounter of this sort back in her 7th year at Hogwarts. It didn’t add anything, so it was tossed aside.

Scene 7 & 10 – In watching all the documentaries about disasters and school shootings the thing that really captures my attention is how much confusion reigns in the minutes after it. There was a fascinating one on Chernobyl the other night. I tried to capture this with Harry being able to move around amongst the wreckage of the Death Eater HQ. Killers panic too and are fearful in the face of the unknown. The little humorous bit at Auror HQ came to me when I pictured all those times in stories where Harry just wants to be someone else. Well, he was and they didn’t take him seriously! The downside to being a ‘nobody’. Fame is a fickle mistress.

Scene 8 & 9 – Neville’s got an elf under his control. It’s about time he used it for more than stalking Slytherins.

Scene 11 - Probably the most difficult scene to write and it went through the most editing. Smut for smuts sake doesn’t interest me, so I tried to do it ‘artfully’ and with a slight humorous slant to it. The original scene left less for the reader’s mind to fill in. Toning it down allows the more comical aspect to entertain the reader rather than who is sucking on what right now. Originally, Cissy sent the secretary in at the end to take some dictation, but the aura only affected Narcissa because of the Imperious connection between the two. The new ending was much more believable. I still found a way to work dictation in there. It was too funny not to!

Scene 12 – Some hard lessons for Harry. Not everything is so easily forgiven, even when you return triumphantly. The ends may justify the means, but often obsessive behavior is abusive to those surrounding the person with the one track mind. Here he catches a bit of hell from Tonks and a bit of guilt from Susan. I’m sure that some of you will say it makes him a bit of a wuss, but I think it makes him a bit more believable as a character.

Scene 13&14 – Neville does have a special plan in store for Pansy, but why just kill someone in a useful spot like a Slytherin Prefect when you can use her for a time. For that, he needed the necklace that Harry had Molly use on Penny. Just goes to show you that you should really lock up your dark artifacts when not using them…

Scene 15 – The finish of the ritual. You’ll find out exactly what the bodies of Lily and James do next chapter. Sorry, but I figured a cliffhanger was the order of the day. Hope you liked the riff on Dark Magic being easy and seductive. In some instances, yes I could see it, but I imagine there is quite a bit of hard work involved in becoming a Dark Lord.

Next week – Chapter 4 of The Lie I’ve Lived.

Jim

 

Well Jim, it was a good chapter this time around. The only error i can see if that you made a mistake with Annettes part. The bourgeois is the upper-middle class of society. The one which is in opposition to the wage earning class or the proletariat. Of course, you could have meant that the weasleys are of the middle class but I think the word you were looking for was Proletariat. Other then that the scene with voldemort going to someone else for help was very realistic which gives you points.

Overall, I'd give this chapter a 4/5. You lost the point because it was a little on the bland side but then again, it might just be my mood.

 

I liked this chapter. Definitely good to see more plot and less exposition.

I really liked the way Pansy was handled. You managed to convey a lot with a few telling details instead of having to do a drawn out POV switch (Cho-style) or talky expository stuff. Always fun to see Neville Longbottom choking a bitch.

The bombing scene was great. Reminded me a little bit of the "cleaner" scene in La Femme Nikita. Any time you can evoke Leon in an action scene, that's a win.

Also loved this bit:

I'm sure he'd appreciate it even more if she would share the memory in a pensieve...

To respond to the previous poster, bourgeois is exactly the right word. The connotation is somebody with poor tastes or lack of culture/breeding, and would be the favored insult directed at a solidly middle class family by a member of the aristocracy.

Great chapter that really raises my hopes for the rest of the fic.

 

I have to agree that this story doesn't reach the level Bungle did. I think the main problem is that you want to give all characters you came to like for one thing or another their bit of glory. The problem is, you didn't mix that well enough.

I like to use a red thread as an allegory for good storytelling. You start at point A and end up at B. But the two points must always be connected by this red thread people can follow. The main story, if you will. There will be smaller threads going along that one and there will be threads branching off but the main thread must always be visible and, unless you have a very good alternate thread going, should always be dominant.

Yours isn't. It's like you were switching protagonists from scene to scene. This is confusing and hurts immersion. You had an interesting relationship going between Harry and Susan. I don't see much of that anymore. How long have they been together? Couldn't be that long, right? And still... no real quarrels no nothing. Harry has his mate now and she is his fortress that makes him strong. No angst, not nothing.
And since he's toughened up you let his ass-kicking go on vacation and let Neville take over. While I like the general idea of that I still don't think you've given that bone enough flesh to stand on its own.

Bungle had the advantage of being written in one perspective only. Perhaps you got a little careless?