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Entry #7

Discussion in '2023 Christmas Competition' started by Xiph0, Jan 3, 2024.

  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2005
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    9,498
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    Location:
    West Bank
    Metamorphosis

    An inky sea lay still under a murky night. A tranquillity unseen, for it was split by a monstrosity.

    The gleaming vessel cut inexorably through the water — the collection of sails, oars, outriggers and nets defied conventional classification. The hull was rough, being made of a mishmash of metal, leather, wood, bone and nails. Everything was twisted: sheets of alloys were cut into intricate, yet nonsensical shapes; bones were coiled like rope; leather was shaped into beams.

    The vessel held fast out of sheer habit.

    A veritable hodgepodge of graffiti littered the hull. Droplets condensed out of the fog, dripping from sheet to pipe, pipe to log, and finally into the sea.

    The soft thump of shoes was swallowed by the very air. The five trespassers were young, fair-skinned and clad in thick dark robes. The deck they treaded was no different from the sides of the hull. It spread flat in all directions, but the sides went unseen.

    A lanky man swept wavy blond hair out of his eyes as he looked around in the fog. He could see little beyond their immediate vicinity. “Why are we here again, Albus?”

    “Any self-respecting alchemist must experience the Metamorphosi, Gellert,” said the auburn-haired man fervently. His sapphire blue eyes set imperiously on the wall of white.

    Gellert cackled at the familiar sight. He taunted, “Good old Albus! Never one to forego wandless magic.”

    Albus tutted, “One cannot really know without trying, can he?” He frowned at the entrenched fog. “But this fog is quite the trying subject.”

    “Wandless magic for that? Only you, Albus,” commented a petite brunette woman. She dragged her brown eyes off the symbols on the deck. “Where are the others?”

    A groan answered her. A young blond-haired woman of average height lay on the deck. Her heart-shaped face was striking, with the beginnings of smile lines visible, though she just looked sick now. She groaned again with much feeling. “I hate apparition!”

    The woman accepted Albus’ silently offered hand. Her face fell as she regarded the deck. “I fell on that!?” she gasped, aghast.

    Albus drew a polished wand from his sleeve. He said, “Allow me, Hanna.” Hanna nodded enthusiastically, her face slipping into familiar lines.

    Albus intoned, “Depello.” Dirt and dust rushed out of her robes and skin, fusing into a small lizard that promptly scuttled out of sight.

    Hanna beamed gratefully. “Thanks, Albus.”

    A tall pale man twirled a thin caramel brown wand idly. His dark brown eyes pursued the lizard with keen interest.

    Albus pulled an old but well-preserved book from his robe. Gellert snatched it from his hands. He muttered, “Lumos.”

    The book’s embossed title, Hermetica came into view. A symbol of a triangle circumscribing a circle figured prominently below it.

    The tall man’s impassive face cracked for a second. Gellert wordlessly banished the fog and brightened the light to bathe the entire group. The fog relented to a couple of feet beyond them.

    He teased, “Something familiar, Egbert Gaunt?”

    Egbert ignored him. He began chanting softly in Greek. Albus strained in vain to make them out.

    Gellert flipped through the book with his right hand as Albus, Hanna and Aveline bunched around him.

    All pages were blank.

    Aveline drew her wand. “Reveal your secrets!”

    Seeing nothing new, she prodded the book with her wand. “Specialis Revelio. Retego…” Her cherry red lips pursed into a thin line at the stubbornly blank pages.

    Hanna pointed at the icon, “We could search for that?” She scanned around them. “It can’t take long!” she said, trying to sound upbeat. There were near a hundred symbols within their sight.

    Gaunt concluded his chant. He interrupted, “I will lead us to the symbol.” He traced his wand in the air and a long glittering white rope dropped out. “Hold on to the rope.”

    Albus was bursting with curiosity. He demanded, “Was that theurgy?”

    Gaunt smirked, “Divination backed with theurgy. We must hurry — the symbol is far.”

    Everyone stuck the rope to their hips with quick sticking charms and set off into the fog. Gaunt led the way, with Gellert, Aveline and Hanna sticking close to him.

    Albus brought up the rear. He gazed warily at the fog swallowing their footsteps.

    Gellert began in a seemingly disaffected tone, “Egg, what are you and Auntie Baggie working on?” Aveline let out a snort. Hanna and Albus smiled at each other.

    Egbert replied, “My family has quite the history and accumulated much. Alas, history always seems misplaced. I am working with Madame Bagshot to trace my due.”

    Hanna scrunched her face. “You are a ’descendants of Slytherin’ Gaunt? I thought they had died out.”

    “I thought they had beggared themselves and moved into the woods,” Aveline added. She raised a delicate brow.

    Egbert could apparently see behind him without turning his head. “I am the sole heir. The Gaunts were rumoured to have hidden a substantial portion of their wealth from the goblins,” admitted Gaunt.

    “What happened to your family?” persevered Aveline.

    “Murdered,” said Egbert in a grim voice disinviting further interrogation.

    “Murdered? Por Quoi?” Refusal did not exist in Aveline’s understanding.

    Egbert let out a long-suffering sigh. “They were killed two years ago. Aurors did not care for the spiteful family, and I can’t blame them. They were vicious, squabbling lot.”

    Nobody pressed him on that.

    Aveline asked, “Where did you study? I’ve not seen you at Beuxbatons. Gellert and Albus didn’t recognize you from their schools either.”

    Gaunt radiated palpable pride as he said, “Imperial University of Constantinople, graduated this year.” Hanna let out a low whistle.

    They stumbled upon a man and woman waiting before the Hermetic icon. The fog kept well away from the icon, which shone brighter than any symbol they had seen so far.

    Gellert drew his wand before anyone, save the mysterious man, quite registered each other’s presence, and brandished it. Gaunt evidently recognized his spell and hurriedly cast a counterspell.

    Albus strode to the front, lifting his wand and calling out, “Wait!”

    Hanna lit her own wand with a soft “Lumos!”

    The man was tall, dark-haired and fair. His robes were pitch black and impeccably fitted. He disregarded Gellert’s attack, looking over them with faint amusement in his piercing grey eyes. The woman was tall, but shorter than her companion. She fixated on the new arrivals with an air of vindication, though the look broke when she noticed Gaunt. She stowed her wand in her robes, tucking her waist-length dirty blond hair as she did so. She turned unerringly to Albus, “Hello Albus Dumbledore —”

    “Gellert Grindelwald — Aveline Dubois — Hanna Abbott,” looking at them in turn.

    She looked unsure of herself as she spied the last member of their group.

    Gaunt said, “Egbert Gaunt.”

    The woman looked intently at Egbert. Egbert met her green eyes coolly.

    The woman broke off first and smiled disarmingly at them. “I’m Eloise Mintumble and this is Altair Black.” The man gave a little bow. “Are you here for the Metamorphosi?”

    Albus, restless with excitement, cried, “Yes! I was told any alchemist must witness it at least once.”

    Eloise chuckled good-naturedly. She peered at Albus, Grindelwald and Aveline, giving them a knowing smile. She asked, “Including it at the start of your World Tour?”

    Hanna, miffed at the exclusion, asserted, “All of us!”

    Egbert corrected her. “Gellert roped me into this excursion. I have already joined an establishment selling antiques.”

    Eloise turned guarded. “I see.”

    She raised her wand with her hands outstretched. The fog withdrew further. She asked, “Are you familiar with the story of Mesektet and Mandjet? No?”

    “There are many traditions associated with a new year. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped Ra, the sun god, as the principal god of their pantheon. He created all life and personified growth. He carries the sun across the sky during the day in the Mandjet.”

    Eloise knelt and traced the outline of the symbol before them. She stood back up and said, “He travels the underworld at night in the Mesektet.”

    She spread her arms and quipped, “We are missing one sun and sun god, but this is the Mesektet of legend. An unbroken line of wizards has boarded this vessel.”

    “What the myth misses on is the Metamorphosi. All of these symbols and misplaced items you see around you? They simply appear over the course of the year. None know how, where or why, though many speculate it represents the year itself. Every new year, at the stroke of midnight, the barque breaks apart and reassembles itself. We are safe from the renewal, but our wands are not. They must be protected by a powerful symbol.”

    Eloise gestured at the icon. She set her wand in the middle of the icon. It remained stuck to the floor as she let go. One end of the wand lay on the base of the triangle, and it pointed straight at the opposite vertex.

    She turned back to them and smirked on observing Gaunt’s expression. She asked, “Cat got your tongue, Mister Gaunt?”

    Egbert looked around uneasily, twisting an ugly gold ring on his forefinger. It was set with a black stone that bore a glyph similar to the icon before them, having an extra line running down the middle. He asked, “All wands or all foci?”

    “All foci,” said Eloise. Gaunt felt inquisitive eyes on him as he slipped his ring off and placed it at the centre of the symbol. He set his wand along Eloise’s.

    Everyone followed suit. Black placed his white wand last. None of the wands fit perfectly in the icon.

    Gellert asked, “What do we do now?”

    Eloise replied, “Now we wait. New Year should be in a minute.”

    Egbert and Gellert strode away swiftly. The fog parted before them. “The Bolt is —” was all Albus could make out before they rushed out of earshot. Aveline and Eloise walked to and fro, as they argued the finer points of enchantments. Hanna and Albus sidled up to Altair.

    The trio waited in silence. Albus cracked first. “What are you doing here, Warlock Black?”

    Hanna furrowed her brows, “Warlock?”

    Albus shot her an incredulous look, “Warlock Altair is with the International Confederation of Wizards. He —”

    “— is known for killing the Nundu terrorising Greece,” Altair smoothly continued.

    Albus spoke slowly, “Yes, the Nundu in Greece.”

    Altair said, “I’m here to observe. One does not tire of the Metamorphosi.”

    Albus respected his need for discretion. He mouthed, “Later.” to Hanna. Altair grinned wryly.

    Albus looked at his new watch. Ten minutes had passed. He asked, “Should it not have started?”

    Altair looked up and sighed. He murmured to himself, “Another year, another delay, another report.”

    He turned fully to the befuddled duo and said, “What do you know of Grindelwald and Gaunt?”

    Albus said, “Egbert? He’s looking up his family’s history with Mrs. Bagshot. Gellert went too far with a prank and was expelled.”

    Seeing Altair look at her expectantly, Hanna added, “I’m more Albus’ friend — our families both live in Godric’s Hollow.”

    Altair hummed contemplatively. He asked, “Can you use wandless magic?”

    Albus said, “And Aveline too. I suspect Egbert can wield it as well.”

    Hanna turned despondent. She said, “I can’t.”

    Altair waved everyone over.

    Egbert and Gellert stopped arguing and tramped back. Aveline and Eloise trudged behind them. There was a worried expression on Eloise’s face; Aveline remained upbeat.

    Altair asked, “Egbert, can you use wandless magic?” His deep voice rang with a note of haste although he appeared as cool as a cucumber.

    Egbert responded firmly, “Yes.”

    Altair rubbed his hands slowly. He said, “Good. Eloise is aware of what I’m about to say, so listen carefully. This vessel breaks apart before coming back together during Metamorphosi, but pieces have absconded before. This would not be worrying, if it were not for matched by — disappearances — over the new year.”

    He plucked a ball of putty from the air and threw it into the distance. It returned near instantaneously, settling on his outstretched palm.

    He said, “Nearly all witches and wizards can eventually summon and banish wandlessly. You are young, but talented. Can you do this?”

    Hanna asked, “What do I do?”

    Altair laid a reassuring hand on her arm. “We need you to look after our wands and the Hermetic icon.”

    On that note, the vessel collapsed with a sickening sound. They stood on thin air above a frothing sea as the vessel began to reconfigure underneath them.

    The fog retreated from the vessel entirely, revealing its true scale.

    Gellert swore, “This is bigger than Durmstrang!”

    They could see the sides of the vessel, but the bow and stern lay beyond the horizon.

    The outline of the icon remained suspended in the air and was beginning to glow brighter. The wands and the ring remained affixed in their place.

    Altair ordered, “Disperse!”

    Eloise, Gellert and Egbert ran towards the bow; Altair and Albus to the stern. Aveline stayed with Hanna.

    Fragments of the ship escaped its gravity and flew off in straight lines towards the horizon. Eloise pointed to each in turn as she ran, and they reversed course. Gellert copied her, but with less finesse. Altair merely glanced at each fragment in turn, and they returned meekly. Albus tried to follow his example but repeated his failure earlier that night. He resorted to pointing and summoning; Aveline was much the same in her section.

    Hanna plucked the odd debris out of the air. She let them go and they obediently joined the concert below them.

    Large parts of the ship were now teasing the horizon. They stopped running and focused entirely on keeping the vessel together. Egbert came to a resolution. He held out his hands. Most of the previously escaping material gathered under his will and returned.

    Altair sneaked a calculating glance. Massive sheets of metal raced at Egbert, which he evaded by taking to the air. He hissed, “Are you trying to kill me, Black?” Altair looked unapologetic.

    The Hermetic symbol grew too bright to look at. The wands sparked. The symbol engraved on the stone ring, so curiously similar to the Hermetic symbol, began glowing as well. The seven succeeded in keeping most pieces out of the fog.

    The vessel churned underneath them as it adopted a sleek shape. The hull gleamed with fresh metal, the deck tiled by polished wood, and paint began colouring the vessel in deep hues. Polished oars of wood ended in lustrous metal handles. Leather coated the edges of the barque. The bones disappeared entirely. The bow and stern rose up in the distance. Scarce few symbols remained. The din slowly faded away into clear notes as the barque settled. The ocean turned glassy again, before being disapperaing under the sluggishly creeping fog. The icon, wands and ring looked undisturbed. Albus, Aveline and Gellert flopped onto the deck.

    Hanna sprinted to them. “Albus!” She helped them sit up and the quartet soaked in the comfortable quietude.

    Albus grinned widely, even as he panted. “That was fun!”

    The rest of the quartet groaned.

    *​

    Altair summoned his wand. Gaunt came back down, picked up his wand and ring, and turned on the spot — and completed a full circle.

    “Can’t apparate for half an hour before or after the Metamorphosi,” claimed Altair as he jogged back to the icon. He began tapping the wand against his leg. He noted, “Such talent from one so obscure…”

    Gaunt moved his wand through complex patterns and murmuring incantations.

    Eloise gestured and her wand swished to her. She called out as she dashed back. “What is this, Black?”

    Altair kept his eyes on Egbert. “Eloise, you know the signs. After all, it is your expertise: Metamorphosi of uncertain length; inexplicable prodigies; people going missing…”

    Altair concluded, “Egbert Gaunt is the time traveller.”

    *​

    Catching on to the brewing confrontation, Hanna, Albus, Aveline and Gellert sprung to their feet, reaching out — and failed. They toppled over and stayed down.

    Aveline cussed. She pulled out a quill and scribbled in the air. Gellert groaned, “Brought down by a leg locker curse and a sticking charm! We will never live this down, Albus.”

    Albus closed his eyes in concentration. Books, papers, quills and sweets marched out of his pockets on tiny legs and melted in front of them. A radiant cage grew out of the puddle, enclosing them underneath a large dome.

    Gellert moaned, “You had to show me up!”

    Aveline cried, “Locomotor!” Her robes came alive and slipped off her, leaving her in a crisp white shirt and blue pants. They slid between the bars and dropped down, inanimate. She yelled again, “Locomotor!” and the robes came alive again. Its collar turned to follow the standoff before them. She brought up her hands to massage her head; the strain of the enchantment getting to her.

    Gellert’s astonishment overpowered his sense of injustice at being shown up a second time. “Wandless enchanting, Ava? What have you transmuted, Albus?”

    On receiving no reply, he turned to observe through the bars.

    Eloise met his pale blue eyes and sent a dozen spells their way. It landed on their cage and the cage glowed brighter as her protection added to it. She screamed at Altair, “This is not what we had planned!” Altair kept tapping his thigh with his wand, unconcerned.

    Her wand returned to the duo, settling on Altair — and staying there. The duel kicked off immediately, with Gaunt shooting killing curses at Altair and Eloise before a stream of fire issued from his wand. Multiple conjured pellets raced from the distance. Several struck the cage, but the cage was more than their match. Gaunt, Altair and Eloise batted the rest at each other.

    The robe abruptly jumped up. Something struck the cage with a flash, leaving no mark.

    Gellert twisted back to see Albus; he was out cold. He twisted the other way and saw Aveline had fallen unconscious as well. He craned his neck still further and saw Hanna splayed out, dressed in a white blouse and black skirt, eyes moving frantically. Another guardian robe was rushing round to the front.

    *​

    The first wave of the duel was over. Altair Black emerged from a roaring fire, a bubble popping as he strode, wand continuously moving and a serene smile on his face. The pellets had melted in the flame.

    Eloise waved her wand maniacally as she shouted, “I’m on your side, Egbert! Stop trying to curse me!” Gaunt had fared the worst of them, sporting multiple cuts, with his face locked in a desperate grimace. They were casting spells and Altair was just as quickly counterspelling them. Eloise had never met a man more proficient at it! He treated even transfigured and conjured items to their precise counters! And found time in between counterspells incanting counter divination spells. Eloise felt a chill run down her spine at seeing the standard dark wizard tactic play out for the first time in her life.

    Eloise’s mad casting finally slowed down; she had been evading Altair and Gaunt whilst sending protective enchantments Albus’ way. She was not used to the intensity of casting the other two were displaying, but Gaunt stopped attacking her.

    Gaunt shifted his entire attention to Altair as he conjured small snakes. They crawled away and looped back to Black, dying in droves for their impertinence. Some were enveloped by dark smoke and wandered away.

    Eloise conjured large chains around Altair, which immediately shattered. She tried hexing him, but the man always seemed to know the right counter. She peppered him with blasting spells, which were deflected by Altair at the cage and Gaunt. Gaunt helped with a cutting curse, a blood-boiling curse, a bone-breaking curse, a skin-flaying curse…

    She wondered, “Should I have attacked Gaunt? But the others…” She spared the cage a quick glance. It looked untouched, but the robes were a bit worse for the wear.

    She returned to cursing Altair and dropped, clutching her leg in agony. A stunning spell hit her, and as she dropped, a snake crawled away from her.

    Gaunt still lead the game of spells and counterspells though the two periodically sent and transfigured against unforgivables. Creatures of flame flew and crawled around them. The two whipped Fiendfyre at each other.

    *​

    Grindelwald concluded his chant, “…emfánisi grammís Atropos!” He lifted his hand. The strand of hair he had plucked from his head and covered remained undisturbed. His divination claimed he would not be dying tonight.

    Gellert knew better than to be relieved. The Dark Arts offered worse fates, and he had not delved into divination until Egbert. He pulled his sleeves and robes over the cuts he had inflicted on his upper arm.

    Gellert looked outside the cage to the robes. He asked, “Your duty is to defend us?”

    The robes had their sleeves full strangling the snakes sent their way. One robe turned. The robe’s collar rustled, as though a phantom head just nodded at him.

    Gellert gave a bloodthirsty smile. He said, “Excellent! Could you retrieve one of those wands for me? Your fellow robe shall keep us safe.”

    The robe scarcely took two steps before a ball of fire engulfed it. Gellert tried to transfigure the ash back, but something about the flames was wrong — it had the robe between its teeth and refused to let go.

    Gellert roared with amusement, “Fiendfyre? Marvellous.”

    He concentrated on the flames. Altair was the master of the flames, but perhaps he could squirrel away some of it for himself?

    *​

    Altair felt a rush of tiredness. Images flashed through his mind — a brown-skinned man barked orders…

    He attacked Egbert’s mind in return.

    A pale, red-eyed man with waxy skin and slit nose coughed up blood, a scrawny girl begged on her knees, an aristocratic man cowering amidst the bushes…

    Altair blurted, “Voldemort? Riddle? There are two of you?”

    The chorus of memories sped up.

    A nondescript diary, masked figures chanting, a capsizing boat, dementors gliding, a screaming woman, dragons spewing flames…

    Neither could occlude against the other as they transfigured and banished water. Tom grew wild and struggled like a beast, but the stream of memories kept accelerating. Altair exploited the opening, and Tom was stunned and trussed up in an instant.

    Altair transfigured Tom into a stuffed toy in the shape of a lightning bolt and stuffed him into his pocket. He had a large collection of lightning bolts, but this one would not join them.

    A stone lay on the floor. Altair mused out aloud, “Curious. Accio!” The stone did not budge. He walked over and studied the stone. Failing to see anything special, he pocketed it, nonetheless.

    Altair walked over to Eloise and incanted, “Obliviate.” A white light hit Eloise. He turned to the cage — and ducked down. A curse sailed over his head. A robe had acquired a wand and casted a jinx at him! He did a doubletake at the odd sight. The robe sent Fiendfyre at him.

    *​

    Gellert had tried to convince the robe to pass the wand to him, but the wand would not pass between the bars of the cell. Albus had done a tremendous job with the cage, and he did not dare disturb it. He beckoned the robe closer.

    He flashed an infectious grin as he whispered, “I can’t cast magic from this cell, and you can’t bypass it. What say you to a team up? You point the wand, and I’ll do the magic.”

    The robe fluttered with glee.

    *​

    Altair was not enjoying himself. He had not been touched by a single spell but was stuck fighting a robe.

    The robe weaved and rippled between spells. The wand threaded from knot to knot, as it probed Altair from different angles. Altair singed its edges, burnt holes in it and casted multiple exorcisms. His transfigurations were reverted before they could take effect. The robe avoided charms like dirt, so he casted a multitude of charms. The tap-dancing charm, colour changing charm, the animation charm, the vanishing charm, but nothing struck the robe.

    The robe even wrestled with him for control of Fiendfyre! He changed tactics and blasted away at the cage instead. It stood up to his barrage with not a chip to show for his efforts. He transfigured some putty out of dust and sent it between the beams of the cage. It bounced off.

    An image flashed in his mind. A spell from his rear!

    Altair reached out. A silver shield plopped out to guard against a, a toe-curling curse? Another blasted robe, this one charred and wreathed in Fiendfyre had fired at him! Both robes casted just schoolboy jinxes and curses, but the torrent kept him occupied. He resorted to slinging his Fiendfyre around. Several blobs struck the cage and ate at it but made slow progress.

    The blood Gaunt had bled on to the floor writhed and flung themselves at Altair. He fired killing curses, even as he dodged. The robes gleefully leapt up and took hits. When one robe grew bare, the other robe would repair its counterpart with a mending charm.

    *​

    “Nearly got a point there!” whispered Aveline to Albus and Gellert.

    Gellert whispered back harshly, “Nearly. I want to have a go at Altair. You take over the Fiendfyre.”

    Aveline smiled persuasively at him as she said, “You and the flames are getting along so well!”

    They had tried freeing themselves wandlessly, but whoever wanted them bound had done their job well.

    Albus hushed them and proceeded to control his Fiendfyre wreathed robe.

    *​

    Altair stopped attacking and looked menacingly at the cage. “You think the Hermetic Seal can save you? You want to play with fire? Be my guest.”

    He blew enormous globs of flame off his wand. The fire found no purchase on the ship, but it burnt all the same. He gestured with his wand in the direction of the seal and the fire flowed. It covered the seal in seconds and the creatures of Fiendfyre battled alongside their masters.

    *​

    It grew torturously hot inside the seal. Gellert cast a cooling charm. Aveline shouted, “How far along are you on the Fiendfyre?”

    Gellert and Albus had turned to wresting the Fiendfyre, whilst Aveline cast with their wands. She was running ragged trying to keep Altair occupied.

    Albus said, “It’s only been twenty-five minutes.” The others understood the implication.

    Gellert muttered, “The seal can’t stand this for five minutes!”

    Albus grew sober. He thought out loud, “Altair is after Egbert.”

    Gellert panicked. “No!”

    Albus was a Gryffindor, but he knew the consequences of time travel.

    Albus commanded, “Prepare yourself.” Gellert shot him a look of utter betrayal. Albus pointed his wand at his throat. “Sonorous.”

    He announced in a booming voice, “We submit to a memory charm in return for our lives!”

    Aveline stopped her casting and pinched him. “Albus!” Gellert picked up the slack.

    “I agree,” a voice boomed back. The fire left their seal but did not vanish. The robes were engulfed by Altair’s Fiendfyre.

    Albus looked at the seal and said, “Evanesco.”

    The seal disappeared. Altair stood before them, their wands in robe, his wand in hand, the orange and red hues of Fiendfyre casting him in a sinister light. He was sweating heavily, but untouched. He glared at them. “I’ve had dark wizards give me less trouble.”

    Gellert gave a fragile grin.

    Altair did not comment. He continued, “I will modify your memories. I will clean up the Fiendfyre. You will live.” His voice brooked no argument. He freed them from the jinxes.

    Hanna spoke first. She cried, “I agre— STUPEFY!”

    Altair flicked the spell away. He wasted no time. “Obliviate. Stupefy.”

    “It’s a shame she won’t remember that.” He did seem sorry.

    Aveline went next. “I agree.”

    “You cannot fool me, Miss Dubois,” spoke Altair, irritated.

    Aveline stared back defiantly. Altair struck her with a quick, “Finite. Obliviate. Stupefy. Accio.”

    Her cuffs jumped into the fire. Altair’s mood darkened. “I was a student too. Detachable Cribbing Cuffs!” he spat.

    He turned wearily to Albus and Gellert and pointed his wand between them in quick succession. Their robes slid off them and jumped into the raging fire outside, spawning small chimeras.

    He reached the limits of his patience. “Do not charm or transfigure your clothes, skin or viscera. Not everything is solved with the nullifying charm.”

    Albus gave a solemn nod.

    “Obliviate. Stupefy.” Albus joined the women on the floor.

    Gellert gave a guilty smile and rolled up his grey pants. “ALTAIR” was scrawled in ash behind both knees.

    Altair poked with his wand. “Tergeo.” The ash was siphoned off.

    Gellert nodded. Altair’s eyes looked right through him. Gellert sighed and rolled up his blue sleeves. He had cut “BLACK” into the skin above his elbow.

    Another hard prod followed. Altair enunciated, “Episkey.” The wound healed without a trace. Gellert awaited his fate with a defeated face.

    An arm came to rest on his shoulder. Altair whispered, “I have seen this Egbert’s mind. You have been teaching each other forbidden magic.” Gellert froze.

    “I could wipe your mind and leave you to your path — but I will have to come for you. Again.”

    Gellert did not react.

    Altair looked gravely at Gellert. He said, “I think I shall try something different with you.”

    “IMPERIO.”

    A haze settled over his mind; a wand eased into his grip. His unease faded like the Fiendfyre before him. A voice declared, “Albus, Hanna, Egbert, Aveline and you came to the icon. Egbert and you planned to ambush and kidnap Dumbledore.”

    Gellert was confused. “Kidnap Dumbledore?”

    The voice assured, “Kidnap. Egbert wanted to find Nicholas Flamel.”

    Gellert thought, “Flamel? The Elder Wand —”

    The voice returned, a sly edge to it. “Egbert betrayed you. He used you and escaped.”

    Gellert persisted, “But Black?”

    “Confundus! Obliviate!”

    Gellert agreed, “Egbert betrayed me.” He turned a dark look on the surprised wizards apparating in.

    No sign remained of the Bolt of ICW.
     
  2. haphnepls

    haphnepls Groundskeeper

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    Why this was a wild ride.

    The combination of your prose reading like a hopping, the story not having a clear POV, and so much magic made this story extremely chaotic to read and not so easy to follow. I think the idea is fine, but that it would be way better if you were to stick to, say, Albus' pov and have it all happen without constant tidbits of everyone's movements and/or reactions.

    Also, the way scenes make way one for another is a bit abrupt, leaving me wondering what exactly has just happened more than once, and in that regard I felt like wtf am I reading most of the time. At times, it almost feels like crack -- and maybe it is -- but it's just all over the place for me to properly comment any particular bit of the story.

    I do think there's an idea in this, but not for the comp prompt and not for the style you've employed.
     
  3. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    There's elements of this I like a lot - the magic, weird location, Grindelwald's rather sinister glee at everything. There's other elements that baffle me - in fairness, I'm reading this at work, so possibly a more focused second pass might make things clearer, but as it is I got thoroughly lost about what was happening at the end. Egbert is a time traveller - maybe a version of Voldemort from the future? - and Altair has found out about him somehow? And Grindlewald gets imperius'd into maybe going down a darker path than he was originally going to? The POV switching doesn't do many favours here, I'm afraid.
     
  4. H_A_Greene

    H_A_Greene Unspeakable –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

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    Well, this certainly carries itself with a sense of grandeur.A fascinating era to set the story in as well.

    Unfortunately, I havent a bloody clue what I just concluded reading. Its got so many ideas jammed atop one another, with only two canon-ish voices to speak through, that I am utterly lost by the end.

    The prompt was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it throwaway, used to get their wands out of hand, though that was hardly a disability for most everyone.

    Not a fan, I'm afraid.
     
  5. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

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    I respect the idea here, but I've got a list of issues.

    Dumbledore doesn't feel particularly Dumbledore-y. He's got four companions along and feels like the least of them. Some of that, undoubtedly, is due to not having the advantage of long experience with this sort of thing, but still. He's just going "golly gee whiz!" at everything he sees and failing repeatedly at apparently simple spellwork.

    I do appreciate that you've borrowed from more real-world occult traditions - theurgy, hermeticism, Egyptian lore. That said, I don't think it quite meshes with HP magic. Oddly enough, I think that if you'd been less explicit about the traditions you borrowed from, they might've worked better.

    The duel is a confusing mess, and I don't think it was that way intentionally. Maybe it's me speedreading accidentally, but there's a flurry of action and suddenly everyone's casting magic at each other and throwing out enchantments and someone's a timetraveller, and Eloise attacks Altair despite them having been together before the "quartet" (not a fan) arrived? I don't get it.

    This also results in spells not having their moments to shine. Fiendfyre's thrown around with no more than an aside mention. I don't have any sense where the participants are, how well they're doing, or what their goals are. Apparently to take each other down, but why?

    Finally, on the topic of technical writing - I raised an eyebrow at "although he appeared as cool as a cucumber". It's what, 1930-something? That feels very anachronistic.

    I'm hopelessly confused, and I don't think that was the intent.
     
  6. Mr. Mixed Bag

    Mr. Mixed Bag Seventh Year

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    I’ve no idea what I just read.

    It wasn’t all bad. Magic is used in inventive ways. The tone rides the cusp of epic and melodramatic, and even if it tends to fall into the latter, there are moments of the former. I like the animated robes as an image, although they, like the rest of the duel, end up buried in a rather confusing mess of action.

    But finishing it felt like a chore, because there was just so much going on that I couldn’t keep track of anything. A lot of factors contribute to this. You have so many unfamiliar names that they can be difficult to keep track of. You’re in a wild, utterly different setting in the form of this macabre Egyptian boat, and then tell a whole complicated story on top of it (literally). POV changes mid-fight multiple times. Why is Hanna an Abbott? In a story with at least one time traveler, that seems needlessly distracting.

    For a story to have any impact, the audience needs to be able to follow what they’re reading. This didn’t pass that test unfortunately.

    I enjoyed this first line in that it made me laugh because of how over the top it is. Not sure that’s the desired reaction, though.

    I like both of these lines a lot, especially the first. Good examples of those “epic tone” moments I was talking about above.

    That’s just a cool image, and I respect the way you went above and beyond with the magic rather than leaving it a simple cleaning charm.

    Now, this just feels like an awkward way to tell us his last name. Gellert is calling him by a nickname in a couple line’s time. When was the last time you addressed a friend by first and last name?
    This might also be where your POV is hurting you. Since we aren’t really inside of any character’s head, it’s more difficult to work something like a last name in as background information.

    If the quote two above is an example of “epic tone,” then this one is the “melodramatic” side. The language here feels like its trying far too hard.

    You do a lot of this, ‘inventive’ dialogue tags. By which I mean they aren’t dialogue tags at all. Persevered is not “said” or a synonym, and shouldn’t be used as such. Something like, “Aveline persevered.” before the dialogue would look a lot better. And be grammatically correct.

    This form isn’t doing you any favors. Ditch the indent, I’d say, and find a way to make it clearer that this is all one person talking.

    If any moment should be grandly described, this seems like it, and yet it’s one of the only moments in the whole piece where detail disappears.

    Thank you for entering!
     
  7. FitzDizzyspells

    FitzDizzyspells Seventh Year DLP Supporter ⭐⭐⭐

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    This story had a lot of great, creative ideas. However, I'm sorry to say that it was a slog to read through. I thought that, surely, this story went over the 5,000 word count, but nope. It was just full of dense, difficult-to-visualize writing, and I just didn't connect with these characters or their story.

    At the end of the story, I know each character's eye color, but I know very little about who they really are. This author spent so much time on action sequences, but very few words showing characters have an interesting moment of connection or an interesting moment of discord.

    There were so many parts of this story that I found confusing and struggled to picture. A lot of interesting, vivid things happen here. However, I can't enjoy the adventure if the writing doesn't adequately describe it.

    If you're going to drop me into a setting in which the literal ground the characters stand on is a concept that you invented, then you need to go out of your way to tell me exactly what to see.
    Dropped out from where? The sky above them, or out from the fog?
    They're all stuck to one rope? When did they unstick it?

    Also, it took me a moment to realize that they weren't disembarking from the ship, and instead seeking a stone ring on the ship. I would make that clearer, either through exposition or dialogue.

    I liked the description of the ship, but its size was almost too difficult to visualize, which makes the entire setting difficult to visualize. At one point, you say the ship is larger than Durmstrang, but later you have three characters running toward the bow and two others running to the stern in record time. This happens even though "the bow and stern lay beyond the horizon."

    I found this paragraph confusing:
    So Altair Black tries to hex random wizards who are approaching a famous magical site at a famous magical time? Why? And then they're able to comfortably make small talk immediately after that?

    I was confused that Egbert and Gellert then suddenly just left them and walked away into the fog. Why?

    I don't understand any of these characters' motivations. Therefore, many of their choices -- to answer questions certain ways, to take action in certain ways -- make no sense to me. There was one part of the story where Eloise "quipped," and I didn't see it as a quip at all. So many of these lines left me feeling more confused about the characterization of these people, rather than less.

    Then, we stumbled on what might have been the most confusing part of the story, the Metamorphosi itself:
    Why do they have to do all this work? Is this all to keep their wands from being damaged? That is a truly bizarre idea. Why not just show up without your wand in the first place, then, especially if you can do wandless magic?

    I found the duel tedious to read because, for most of the story, I didn't understand the antagonists' motivations. Imagine a Marvel movie where half the movie is just one fight, and you barely know who the antagonists are or why they're attacking the heroes, and at the end, the heroes are just like, "We surrender. Just wipe our memories." The whole thing is a very unsatisfying story.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2024
  8. Lindsey

    Lindsey Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    I don't know how to review this story as I don't understand what happened in this story.

    You have all of these characters we haven't heard before, but then we are introduced to a time traveler... one who I believe was Voldemort? Then you have a character putting Grindlewald into an imperius for no apparent reason? None of this makes sense.

    I am not even sure what magic they were looking to seeing either. Even the magic was confusing and the explanations lacking. Nor do I feel that this fit the prompt well at all. The New Years theme was heavily lacking.
     
  9. Dubious Destiny

    Dubious Destiny Seventh Year

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    The fic reads like a first draft. There are ideas, characters and motivations, but nothing that was focused on and expanded.

    There is no clear PoV, which makes it difficult getting to the few things clear in the fic.
    Writing with Grindelwald or Dumbledore as the narrator would make it easier to read.
    There's a lot of description that doesn't actually do what it's attempting to do.

    There are some errors in language as well.
     
  10. LucyInTheSkye

    LucyInTheSkye Competition Winner CHAMPION ⭐⭐

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    I love a ship, me, so I'm all for the setting. I also reckon your ship is the best character you’ve got in this fic and I enjoyed every one of its scenes. I think your prose works really well in the first few paragraphs, those I’ve contentedly re-read a few times.

    Main problem I’ve got is with the way you describe people. You’re very focused on how they look and act, but I’m lacking who they are as people. The guy keenly following the conjured lizard with his eye, that type of description is really cool if it’s a bit of characterization but then you should continue to thread it through the fic. If you’re saying he’s a hunter, have his eyes follow other things (people) around as well and maybe he’s wearing clothes with a home-stitched fur-collar, or if he’s the paranoid type to always spot movement just before it happens, have that crop up a few more times. It feels like your descriptions of the people lead nowhere in particular and take up a lot of space. (Also, “said” is not dead.)

    I like your characterization of Grindelwald, not a fan of your Dumbledore. I like that you’ve decided to portray the whimsy, which is an intrinsic part of him that other authors might skip over, but I think you’re not showing the bits of him that make him powerful and wise.

    In a longer story you could have this many new characters, but it’s difficult to keep them apart here and to remember how many people are on the boat. If you were worried about balancing out the genders I think you could have made Black a woman for instance? And/or Gaunt and then skip the others the reader isn’t familiar with? The character gallery also felt like a hindrance come the fight scene, because it couldn’t be done smoothly at that point anymore. I do like the absurdity of the magic you show us, though, I’d happily read more scenes like that (with fewer combatants and some general editing). The time-travelling should have been built up before getting thrown into the mix.
     
  11. Niez

    Niez Seventh Year ⭐⭐

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    This story is very confusing to me. The overly verbose prose does not seem to fit well with the Harry Potter universe nor a fanfic story about New Years, the cast of characters is too large and blend together in the mind's eye, the imagery is not well defined, and I can't even place it in time. Dumbledore features, and sounds nothing like himself, which, along with Grindelwald's presence, points to him being young, but then Gaunt refers to an episode which Canonically takes place much letter (or at least I think he does), which is again, very confusing. Is this an AU? Then we have the fact that nothing is explained, and events seem to occur after another for no discernible reason, and then I started to skim and understood even less. And though I admit that last bit is on me, everything else is certainly not. Rating: ???/5
     
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