Title: Harry Potter: Byakugan Rising
Author: Aekiel (Me)
Rating: T but could go higher
Genre: Adventure/General
DLP Category: Alternates
Pairing: None for the foreseeable future
Status: Work In Progress
Summary: Due to a most unexpected series of events, a six year old Harry Potter is gifted the power of the Byakugan. Watch as he struggles to cope with the responsibilities that come with such an ability. Rated T but could go higher. Sort of a Naruto Crossover
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3751671/1/Harry_Potter_Byakugan_Rising

Hey guys, shameless self-plug here. Since I'm so full of myself and totally assured of my 1337 skilz in writing, I've posted my story up for you lot to rip to shreds, along with my ego.

Anyways, the premise is that a six year old Harry has seen an episode of Naruto (after listening to it from his cupboard for weeks) and decided he really likes the byakugan, which is a type of eye technique that lets the user see 360 degrees around them, see chakra (magic) and perceive anything within a certain radius from their body (i.e. projectile weapons and the likes).

Its gonna be a seven year fic, if I can work up the effort to write for that long, and I've uploaded the first two chapters. Read on, if you wish.

Aekiel

 

Problem, if you go by the normal timeline for HP then Harry would be watching this in 1987, the original run of the naruto tv show didn't happen until 2002.

 

I know, but if I don't ignore this the whole plot goes out the window . So its either bring one manga/anime back in time, or push Harry forward... Could go either way at this point, but I'm probably gonna go for bringing Naruto backwards.

Aekiel

 

Hmm, well I guess that is acceptable.

No offense to you but I am probably not gonna read it, I have an instinctive gag reaction to anything related to Naruto, believe, looking at that wiki page was torture.

 

The story is...

not that bad actually. I was pleasantly surprised, because as Harry/Anime crossovers go it's pretty good.

A bit too early to rate it, but it looks okay so far.

Also, if you haven't read it already, then read the Blind Faith series by xyvortex (sp?) because it has a Harry who has powers similar to the Byakugan.

 

It is simple. Harry is using his magic is imitate the byakugan. You start adding chakra and it gets a lot harder to keep it good. Lets just hope Harry is only calling magic, chakra... please?

Also, PEOPLE STOP PUTTING STORY'S THAT DON'T HAVE ENOUGH CONTENT TO REVIEW IN THE REVIEW AREA!

 

well... I know nothing about naruto... but I like this so far.... that said, you have repeatedly done something that is a pet peeve of mine, and one I haven't bitched at anyone for before, so you get it all.....

when you aren't in a building, what you are walking on is the GROUND.... not the fucking floor, the GROUND!

see... I'm not mean enough to be a TRUE DLPer *g*

 

We can help you with that.

Is it strictly necessary that the TV show be Naruto? I think it'd work just as well if Harry saw a fictional TV show in which he sees the Byukugan. You're only taking a concept from the Narutoverse. It's not like The Denarian Renegade where Harry actually enters the Nevernever.

So, if you leave the TV show unnamed, then maybe unsuspecting readers would read it, and recognize or not recognize the concepts borrowed from Naruto.

 

I agree. Leave it as an unnamed tv show. A few people will get the reference, a few won't.

 

Love it so far. As above there is not enough to truly rate just yet. Know that when you have Harry verbally crushing someone using the byakugan perception abilities you will get an arbitrary +1/5 from me ;-P.

 

I enjoyed it. And if you don't keep writing I'll be sad. 4/5

 

Well, this is the first thing I've read in a while. It was worth the while; the writing style was clear and consise, and provided all the necessary details. At times a bit overwrought, but balanced overall. It's a good first impression, and it couples with an interesting idea. It gets bonus points for being innovative, as in it's the first HP/Naruto crossover I've seen that doesn't involve Naruto enrolling in Hogwarts. Trying to apply TV show concepts to real life is extremely realistic, and similarly entertaining; this Harry seems much more like a real kid than anything that I've seen before. He's actually a child; not some sort of emo, spineless dreamer (canon) or some precognitive Jesus reincarnated (most fanfiction). While both are acceptable since they provide much better story development and character depth, it'll be really interesting to see where this goes; it's common knowledge not to write about real life, since readers have enough of that already, but this looks unique enough to pull it off. I would rather have Harry a bit sneakier and less, naive, I guess, for lack of a better word. The execution was good, but it was a bit awkward and seemed to be somewhat forced, like you were trying to force an introduction around a central theme. A combination of the two made it seem like everything happened on accident. He seems to have figured out what he's doing now, it definitely seems like the story's actually making way for the plot now. The beginning chase seemed a bit gimmicky, but nonetheless nice and evidently necessary for character development, although I personally think that it could have been done a bit better (threats from a bully or something similar; the vampire chase seemed a bit unrealistic, and had little outward effect). A great start; currently no masterpiece, but something undoubtedly worth the read. Definitely a lot of potential; I'd like to see this continued. Right now it's a solid 4/5, since I still need to see what direction it's going before I can judge, but it's with an extremely intriguing overall concept, so I'm not worrying too much.

4/5

Figured I should do something after an absence.

 

Paragraphs arent drugs, d00d. Use them >_>


but yeah... in no seriousness.


LOL HARRY POTTER + NARUTO = NO LAWLIKAKES FOR U!


its decent, i suppose, but I loath Naru/HP crossovers. 1/5 due to lame material crossings. It simple fails to grab me.

 

Though I'm not sure where I would break; that's one thought. I go off on tangents a lot. :/. I can try to edit it in though; I'll keep it in mind.

 

That's not bad, although it could have gone without the Naruto intrusions. Super-eyes aren't some exclusive idea after all...

 

I agree with Andromalius, Does it have to be naruto? or better yet, once he has the object he wants from the show would he really care about it anymore? He's bound to notice that 'his' eyes don't perfectly match the shows. I really don't see the color change as a necessity either. We already know he has an incredibly unique eye color, just lose the pupil if you want to show 'his eyes' as active.

The early focus on 'rising above' the common rabble is an interesting thought, but unless you intend to make him into DarkSlythernLordHarry! It'd probably be a good Idea to remind him that not all people are assholes at some point. Figg treats him well enough, and more than likely Vernon and Petunia haven't managed to turn him into a social outcast yet, so some of the neighbors are more than likely at least friendly to him.

No rating yet though I'm afraid, there's just not enough here yet.

Edit: Oh, And one more thing, Drop the Japanese words. I'm primarily a HP fan at the moment because I got sick of trying to understand Naruto fanfics that used more japanese words than English. If your going to keep this a Harry potter fic and just add elements of the 'Naruto' series to it then keep them in the American translation. have harry call it his 'bloodline'. He can find a way to actually seal the ability (And Parselmouth) to his family later, and it also gives him an excellent reason for taking Arithmancy and Runes instead of potions and Divination.

I've always wondered why he never dropped potions, he's rich enough to hire the best of the best to do his brewing for him and yet he sticks with Snape? ya... Right.

 

Just a small note from me to answer your questions. In no particular order:

1) I have to mention Naruto a lot because that's where Harry's major inspiration comes from. Since he's found one ability he can use he's got the notion in his head that he can do others as well (though I'm not giving him the Sharingan or another bloodline, one is enough). He doesn't know he's a wizard so he gets the idea that maybe he's the only one with the byakugan. I know it seems a bit forced having to do it like that but I can't see another way around it

2) I have a twist in mind for why Harry's calling it chakra and you'll get a hint of why in a chapter or two.

3) This was originally intended as a purely Ravenclaw!Harry fic but with the way his character's turning out he's acting more like a Slytherin than I imagined he would be... Kinda taken on a life of his own . Though this just means I'm gonna have to make a decision on where he's gonna go. Slytherin!Harry has all sorts of connotations attached to it where he has to be somewhat sneaky, and more cunning than the rest, ect. ect. I'm not good at keeping up to expectations so that could turn into a problem with me .

4) I have another twist in regard to his eyes as well, though its planned to be revealed over a very long timespan so I'll be laying hints only every so often.

5) This is getting pretty repetitive but I also have another twist in mind for the japanese words (stupid sounding I know) that incorporate aspects from another book (which I'm sure several of you will pick up on once you see it) and for Mrs Figg.

That's it from me, anticipate a new chapter within a day or two, once I finish up the end of it. I keep going back and adding new stuff as it comes to me and fixing up other bits that don't feel right. Just a day or two and it'll be perfect... I think... I hope .

Aekiel

 

The story itself has good technical aspect, but the Anime crossover really spoils it for me. Maybe that's because most of my friends are narutotards and enjoy dressing up as various characters and then walking around screaming varouns things and making 'hand signs.'

Overall I've have to give this story a 2/5.

 

I feel for you, I really do. Still, hope I can raise that vote a bit with the next chapter.

Aekiel

 

The naruto references aside, I think it is rushed. We virtually see Harry shifting from one mindset into another and can't get any feel for the character. I think you should make us understand him better. And the last bit of chapter 2 was forced. We need to see what he likes, how he looks at the world. Try to make us understand your Harry better. As it is, we see you creating some super-Harry without real ambition. What are Harry's dreams, his wishes, what drives him? I don't see the child that went to Arabella thinking along the lines of the last bit of chapter 2. After all, the reaction of the Dursleys seemed to be their usual one. Does he want to torture them?