Nope. I haven't gotten it back from my beta yet.

If it isn't in my mailbox in the morning, I'll go through it one more time and post what I have and take my lumps.

Jim

Edit - Okay. It's posted now. Hope you folks find it interesting.~Jim

 

Hell yeah!

The last line could have been better, but that's about it. Your Dumbledore is just brilliant. Harry really needs to stick around, learning from the Master.

Hack stays on top, of course, and the clobbering line is good for re-use, right?
Hermy's plans was hilarious. Keep at it.

The Hellcat was a nice twist. Is that why Fawkes is being so hostile, or is there more? (like you'd answer..)

The Lunar expedition was very nice, and suitably awkward. Let's see how she handles the broomstick. Wouldn't it be fun if she sometime made eye contact with him while slowly mounting it? Absentmindedly stroking it when she knows he's watching? She's probably too shy to do anything like that, but a loud comment on riding Harry's broomstick at dinner would be right up her alley.
Thanx

g

 

I didn't like the wait for Chapter 3, but you made up for it by producing an excellent chapter.

Your Horcrux defenses are simply amazing. I find myself wondering was it too much of a chore for Rowling to come up with some cool defensive mechanisms for a horcrux. Dark Lord Voldefilch made me LOL. McGonagall's amused to an extent where I didn't get angry with you for killing her.

Dumbledore is a God among men when it comes to characters. Your's however is quickly becoming one of my favorites. The old man is the Master Of Manipulations. I got pissed when Harry let Dumbledore trick and walk all over him last chapter. However now I realize there are still a few things Harry can learn from the old man.

I liked the Harry/Luna interaction especially the broom part. You have to make Luna tease Harry with that broom though, I'm begging you.

Did you get the Ron/Millicient idea after reading the Rare Pairings thread or did you already have it in mind?

The scene with Snape was good. I liked Harry being an arrogant ass, it really bugs me when he tries to to be meek.

An excellent chapter. I look forward to the next chapter of Turn Me Loose.

I have also been looking forward to the next chapter of The Lie, but that's another story.

Homer

 

Like I commented on your ffn, good chapter.

I really want to see Hermione's reaction to Harry already being an animagus.

 

Actually the Ron/Millicent thing came out of Harry and Luna's letters back in Bungle. She was fulfilling a promise to Harry to harass Ron.

I'm trying to go a different direction with Dumbledore and Snape in this one. Harry's relationship with both will be equally as combatitve and Dumbledore and Snape have a bit of a dynamic as well.

Jim

 

Every time I think about Hack's new fashion accessory, I giggle and cringe. Simultaneously. He wasn't wearing the PELT, he was wearing the CORPSE. It was probably darn near all the hide, complete with lots of ... stuff. Dripping, y'know. GodINeedAShower. And I start laughing again. Hack has to be one of the most fun OC's ever. Have Harry and Bill put runes on the pelt when the elves return it - for durability and to resist punctures, and to change size when Hack does. And to stay clean. And so it can't be stolen.

I can't bring myself to drop the subject. Is it going to be a cloak, or a Flintstone's style long tunic, or a draped-off-one-shoulder toga, a la the barbarian heroes in bad movies? If it's a toga, Make Sure that he wears a belt - having it fall off in the Great Hall is LOTS more information than the firsties need. Not to mention what it will do to the fragile egos of all the teenage boys. The mind *boggles.*

I just looked up Jaguar at Wiki, and it's got really powerful jaws - it bites through the SKULL of its prey to kill. I'm glad you didn't have Harry do that to the daemon: accidently swallowing daemon grey matter CAN'T be good for you. A jaguar's weight ranges 120-211 pounds, so I'm going to assume his animagus form is the same approximate mass as Harry. If Mrs. Norris was larger than Harry, I wonder how long the fur is? I'm picturing a fur longer than that on a kodiak bear. All the girls will want one.

On more serious issues - will Pomphrey have to face a Board of Enquiry for abandoning her patients? I doubt she'll be censured or fired (running for your life from an immediate threat is usually a forgiveable act,) but she did panic and leave Katie completely defenseless.

Do the DE's know (or suspect) Harry's complicity in the murder of Nott, Sr.? Dumbledore has no idea - he would never pass up the chance to go for the moral high ground.

It's interesting that Harry doesn't *dislike* the sound of Fawkes singing. It's just too loud for his ears. I wonder if his sense of hearing is becoming more acute the same way his vision is improving. Fawkes is definitely unfriendly (though not exactly hostile,) but there really is no indicator that Harry's becoming Dark, just dangerous. As a Familiar, Fawkes can certainly detect Harry's animus toward Dumbledore. That would explain why Fawkes won't do any more favors for Harry, and is suspicious of him, but does cooperate with Snape, who IS dark.

Some sort of jaguar/venomous snake hybrid, eh? I can't quite picture this. Could you have Harry take a long look in a mirror while transformed?

I love this story. You have intense combat, fun characterizations, nifty concepts, logical motivations, and a snarky smart hero.

 

Ok so before I start I'll mention that I really really hate the character of Hermione in stories so it kind of skews my judgement.

I didn't like at all the way you handled her scene in this chapter. Harry went from being happy she is crying and totally pissed off she tried to brain wash him to comforting the stupid whore.

Sure he did so grudeingly but he still bloody did it. He should have cast a silencing spell on the bitch and stuck her in a corner.

I like the effect of the demon club draining magic and the mental image of half a cat sticking out of Mrs Norris jaws is great.

The death of Filch seemed a bit anti climatical. Just jump on him and bite him... seems to easy. But the rest of the fight was cool. Good to see Harry using some of his new tricks such as blood fire.

It seems as if my guess that Ron is innocent in all this was right. Not that Harry willl let him tell them that. But the bitch of the thing is Hermione kows but hasnt mentioned it... stupid cunt.

So Snape is a true double agent... I think this is one of the first times I've ever seen him really portrayed as such.

 

Double agent how though? He's supposedly kept some information off Dumbledore for the greater good but there wasn't anything suggesting he was playing both sides.

Really enjoyable read by the way. A lot of the things that I was missing from the first two chapters came in here.

Nipicking but trying to imagine a jaguar with the lower parts of it's legs scaly, assuming green, just doesn't look very.. cool. Just having bigger fangs would have been enough to be honest. It just doesn't fit the imagine of a lean, muscular, fast and dangerous beast of the jungle. More like a mutant freak. Which he is but still.

In indy fics there's always the invariable showoff of skills that makes all the non-believers go ooooh and aaah. I missed that but I just assume we'll have to wait for it.

Think I spotted a spelling error or two but who cares? Excellent overall.

 

Reign of Power had Snape as a double agent but he didnt have a big part I just remember Tom and Harry having a conversion about him and Tom saying that he doubted if Snape even knew which side he was on anymore.


I loved the chapter except I didnt care for the Hermoine part. He should just fuck her and take out all his anger for her with that.

Filch dieing so simply makes sense. You get bite in the neck by a jaugar I dont care if your a wizard, witch, squid, muggle, or any other sort of non armor plated entity that is mortal. You probably gonna die.

 

Not just any jaguar either, but a DEMON jaguar...

 

Okay first off, I will say this chapter was almost worth the wait (Almost because despite my own horrid update rate on my ff.net story, which isn't even HP, I am an impatient shit.) Paticularly the afformetioned stick Harry gave Luna to put between her legs. Suave man.

But the "Demon Jaguar"?

I'm sorry jbern, but when I read the part about Harry's new scaled legs I envisioned a fuzzy ball of fury on top of 4 scaly chicken legs.

That said I am really looking foward to how your taking this Harry + demon bits angle. Sooner or later I'd want to get that shit out of me if I were Harry, and lo . . . Is that Dumbledore riding a white horse?

ps~Does the chick knocked up accross the pond know she's carrying demon spawn?

 

Nicely done jbern. The chapter had your usual umph in it. Cool idea letting Hack using the pelt as a trophy.

While I like your characterization of Dumbledore, you have him come off as a little cold. I donno if this is how you want to portray him but it just seems there is something in his character that is lacking...

I also found the scene with Hermione a little... off... It just seems that at one time Harry's ignoring her and the next he's forgiven her and they are going to be best buds... while I'm not averse to the ideal (after a long time) it felt a little too fast here. Still you've captured the canon Hermione rather well.

Cool fight seen too.

 

Well the third chapter's finally up, that means I need to form a real opinion. It started off a bit slow for my tastes. Sure there was death and destruction in the first chapter but it kind of dragged without giving us a taste for what this story was going to be. We had a few unexplained elements confusing things, like when Hack had gotten a deamon bone club, and there was a distinct lack of tantalizing new plot threads to speculate on. Chapter two introduced us to more "behind the scenes" tomfoolery like becoming an ambassador which I really would have liked to see instead of just hearing about after the fact.

This latest chapter FINALLY brought us back into the swing of things. Not only was the main plot racing forward but we also see more of Bungle's supporting cast in Fluer and Luna. The humor has returned with demands to speak with the "nearest master" and plots to surprise Volde with carnivorous plants and zombie snakes. This latest chapter was more like a first chapter than a third. We're finally seeing the outline of the rest of the fic.

Now we know that Harry's planning for the two remaining horcruxes and fighting Volde for the last time. We know what kind of trouble he'll face from the students, and something about mayhem to come.

At the moment, this just feels poorly executed and the most recent chapter isn't enough to save it. 3/5

 

Okay, my reactions.

First off, I'm very happy to see an new installment in this fic instead of yet another in TFTCD. Don't get me wrong, I love "To Fight...", and I'm sure that if I went back and re-read it from the beginning I'd see that it's not too drawn out (which is what it "feels like" right now), but the Bungle-verse is simply a whole lot better.

As always, the grammar is strong, the fight scenes are crisp, and death strikes without warning. Speaking of which... Ya just gotta love that, ya know? No preamble to a death, it just happens just like it does in real life. That sort of realism to a fantasy story is what the HP genre needs more of.
So serious praise on that score.

Now, with the platitudes out of the way, onto the areas that seemed to not work for me.

The pop culture references just fell flat for me I'm afraid.

Okay, with that comment out there... I should probably justify why I'm saying these don't work.

Harry's upbringing.

Harry was deprived of most everything as a child. He was dressed in his cousin's rags more or less (Yeah I know... a bit of an exageration... but we're talking Dudley Dursley here. That kid couldn't have been kind on his clothing, and there's the comments about the trainers falling apart. Honestly, if Dudly was active enough to wear the shoes out till they were falling apart... the cloths can't be in all THAT great a shape.

That said, I somehow doubt that Harry was gifted with any sort of comic books from which to draw the Hulk, Spider man, and the Fantastic Four references.

As such, they seem to me to be real anachronisms.

Sure it's possible that he nicked them from Dudley, or maybe there were some in his bedroom (since it's where the broken toys were stored... maybe some comics were there also) when he was moved out of the cupboard. But somehow I don't see the Dursley's leaving him anything to actually play with in that room that had anything to do with "special powers". Most super heros powers would be uncomfortably too close to magic for them I'd think.

Now, as to Minerva's death. I'm of two minds on this.

One side of me says "Bravo" to you for killing off a major character in a sudden, horrific, and unexpected event. It really drives home that noone is safe... which puts Hermy funbags and Ronald... and hell even Luna in actual real danger.

But at the same time, I think you failed to sell her death well. Or at least enough for my tastes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to ham up her death to sell it... but ya gotta remember that she's supposed to be one of the finest teachers at magic... and a survivor of the original order from the first war. That means that she'd not likely make amature mistakes like going into the fight as a little pussycat. She'd use it for speed getting to the fight... but would likely have morphed out of it quite a distance before entering the fray.

With that said, I just don't see how someone with her qualifications and prior experience in the first war would be taken out that quickly and with so little fuss.

And skills aside... Minerva is a pretty damn cool character to lose and I can't help but lament that you killed her when she could have done so much more in the story.

So I'm really kinda neutral regarding the execution of her demise.

So for shock value and for driving home the point that death lurks near... +100 points... but for the waste of a beloved character without logic to her death... -100 points.

Of course, that's assuming that Dumbles didn't fake her death... Magic is magic afterall.

So, overall... another outstanding chapter... but I'd lose some of the pop culture comic book refs.

 

Chapter was good. The death of McGonagall surprised me, but I have a feeling that you didn't just kill her off for fun and that something will result from her death. What are the chances Hogwarts is getting its second ghost teacher?

Harry telling Hermione he didn't want to have sex with her....I don't know, if a girl came up to me and told me she would have sex with me I would be naked before she blinked....if she was fuckable. Even if he hates her for what she did, it would be the ultimate payback to take her virginity.

Anyway, great chapter.

 

I bought the Hermione scene. Harry's a bad-ass with some righteous anger going, but he's young and he isn't a complete asshole. So it makes sense that he wouldn't really know how to deal with a completely vulnerable, crying girl in his room. He'd have to be a real jerk to go out of his way to hurt Hermione in that situation.

OTOH, she was complicit in his brainwashing and date-pseudo rape, and it's good that he isn't going to just let that go.

 

It was a great chapter and felt like the true first chapter with the main characters being reintroduced and the plot moving along now at a slightly faster pace. McG's death was sudden and unemotional, which disappointed me, but that's how death is in real life. I was lost on the comic book references, but that's okay, since that's not a big part.

The Hermione scene surprised me a bit with how forgiving Harry is, but I guess while Harry has changed, he still holds some of his old traits.

 

As far as the pop culture references... Harry may have had a horrid home life, but it's not like he was raised in a cage in the basement. He went to school and was allowed to roam the neighborhood on occasion. He was even taken on trips when they couldn't leave him. Having a discussion on the history of any of the characters would have fallen flat, but just knowing who they are doesn't seem that far-fetched to me.

One thing I noticed was that it sounded like Harry regularly sleeps as a jaguar. If so he would have noticed that he had scales and such in that form. It stretches the bounds of believability that they manifested just during/before the fight.

 

No... he wasn't raised in a cage in the basement... he was raised in a cupboard under the stairs, treated like a total outsider and non person, and was forbiden to engage in the typical imagination using pursuits of normal children.

In case you can't tell, yes, that was meant as sarcasm. He might as well have been raised in a cage as far as things go.

It's been made clear in canon that he was punished and reprimanded when he showed even the slightest interest in "unnatural" or "abnormal" things. I mean holy fuck... he was raised in a freaking crawlspace for fuck's sake. And later...locks on his door and a doggy door for food?! And you're trying to say that they didn't try and repress him?

The Dursleys may not have been physically abusive, but it's clear that imagination and dwelling on things that weren't what they considered "normal" was flat outright forbidden to Harry.

And it was made clear that he didn't have any friends in school prior to Hogwarts... mainly because Dudley beat up anyone that tried to be his friend. As such... not too likely he was discussing anything with anyone. So... assuming he didn't actually have any comics (I mean for heaven's sake... he got tissues for gifts from the dursleys.) it raises the question of "where are these comments coming from?"

To me it does, mainly because his life prior to Hogwarts doesn't seem conducive to that likelyhood, and after he started attending hogwarts he'd be focused on pursuits other than comic books and muggle culture.

I don't think I'm being unfair in my criticism... just pointing out that his use of those comic icons seems more than a little too Americanized and unlikely given that he'd likely not have had much exposure to the source material if any.
One thing I noticed was that it sounded like Harry regularly sleeps as a jaguar. If so he would have noticed that he had scales and such in that form. It stretches the bounds of believability that they manifested just during/before the fight.[/QUOTE]

 

I was re-reading the third chapter and figured I'd go through the things I noticed. My general impressions on this were left on ff.net.

emphasis mine​

Harry/Hermione interaction scene was the most error-ridden one in this chapter. My bet is your beta didn't see this passage before it was out.

The two "It’s" I've put under emphasis are rather noticable repetitions, and the last past is fragmented.​

Inconsistency. At least use "which, when you bathed in it, took..." instead.​

You need to decide where you want to put your "thats." There was a similar error at the end:​

***​

And a point on your dialogues.

emphasis mine​

What, no sniffing? no trembling? Your dialogues are rough. That was one example. Here's another one:

To quote Stanislavski: I don't believe in it! Well, I could, if your Harry was a fine specimen of Vogon race from the planet Vogsphere; seeing as he is not, well...

Here's an example of what good dialogue must look like, for comparison:

Good, memorable, and your style.​

OK.

On a side note: the spellcheck feature didn't find no errors when I was posting this. Is it even working?