... Boobies!

 

I thought the owl attack was clever. It was not only funny but also a good way to remind us that Vesper and Voldemort are still out there. I wonder if they were only school owls that were affected though? Don't some of the students have owl pets. Won't they be rather pissed off that Harry barbecued their pets. I would love to see a throwaway line about that sometime later.

The whole prophecy scene was nice too. I suppose the truth is out now. It is rather obvious after Dumbledores reaction to Harrys joke that there is a real prophecy. Even if Harry does not realize it then Meciel most certainly will. Why is it that Dumbledore is so insistent on hiding the truth from Harry anyway? I mean would learning of the prophecy not motivate Harry to increase his skills further and guarantee his opposition to Voldemort? This Harry would not be freaked out I am sure and Voldemort cannot get the prophecy from his mind thanks to Meciel. I cant see why it has to be so secret? I hope you will explain this eventually.

As for the rest. I liked the discussions where Harry admits to boredom and they guarantee that Harry will protect Hogwarts. I wonder if this was foreshadowing for the next chapter since you said there will be action there? I hope you will write it soon. I am really curious!

 

Now you got me all wet Shezza.

Can't wait for the real action.

 

Ah so the chapter was not yet finished.

Looks like you had the whole thing with the sword planned and taken care of. Should not have doubted you.

All I can say that this was a very exciting cliffhanger that left me wanting for more. You better write the next chapter soon because now I am really REALLY curious!

 

I'll be honest with you Dakatim, if you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have remembered and it wouldn't have been added into the chapter. See, there's a reason why I find DLP to be so useful

 

Nice, Shezza. Nice. Especially the sword bit. I was wondering about it too.

It's enlightening, seeing the plot and the chapter, if you know what I mean...

 

I never felt a thing.

What, no hustle?

'that they'

Is this just Harry's mistake? Newts are lizards, after all.

'sound'

YES! YEEESSS! Fuck everyone who read that and said, "Doesn't he mean 'gleamed?'" No, he doesn't, so shut up!
It's gold star time again. *:banana:

Blah. 'of passing'

Would it be pedantic to suggest that it was not her 'state' that they found lying motionless in the hallway, but rather her body?

Shouldn't there be another dash after 'snigger', bringing us back to the sentence from the interruption?

That's both redundant and, well, er... not un-lame?

'Harry both looked and felt bored, his body automatically going through the motions of walking and his mind occupied elsewhere.'

A 'both' could/should be slapped in front of 'wand-wielders'.

'could'

Needs an 'of being cast' between 'capable' and 'by' -OR- swap 'capable' with 'achievable'.

Needs a 'keep' between 'helps' and 'the'.

Side-along might be okay for apparation, but not so much for glances.

Now, I hate to let the masses do my thinking for me but google gets 6 results for 'side-along glance' and 7,170 for side-long glance'

By a margin of 7,164, the googles have it. It should be 'side-long glance'

'wizard's' -- possessive

You like to hyphenate all this shit so much, don't stop now! 'crimson-robed'

'"Mr. Potter?"'

'grey-haired'

'choked' <--- I cannot stress this enough.

'Mr. Malfoy' -- 'hear'

Christ on a mountain in a crash helmet! Wow... that's another one of those mega-sentences you're so fond of breeding. Where you get the growth hormone required is beyond me.

Personally, I'd break it in half after he puts his feet on the desk but, anyway... I'd at least put a 'with' before 'Hellfire' so that the two 'and' s don't contribute to the feeling that the sentence goes on and on and on right out of the gate.

'Thank you' is still two words. You didn't hyphenate it, so you simply left out the space. No!
I can see what you're doing and I won't let it happen, not on my watch! You're working your way towards a chapter that's just one big mega-sentence with all of the words separated by hyphens instead of spaces. Not gonna happen, Herr Shezza.

'subjected'

'tended to by'

How about 'flicked'?

'Auror's'

Lots of gazing going on here. That second bit should at least be 'who gazed back at him'

No wonder he's paling slowly. This is the third time his paleness has been called to our attention. He'd have to slowly work up to getting any paler. You'd have to stab him with a keg tap and drain his blood the fuck out of him (an action I heartily endorse).

Lulz. You think so, Draco? What a putz.

I'd say 'affecting an air of boredom.' but that's just me.

'their'

Yeah, but with all that paleness it just makes him look like a mime or a clown. I'll pick mime, since no sound comes out of their wretched cake-holes.

My ex-girlfriend used to give me that same look when I pulled my face out from between her thighs.

I'd like to see him pale dramatically. No, really, that would be magic at least on par with any first-year spell.

Four out of five DLP members agree: This smells of slash. Lulz.

May I recommend swapping that second 'and' for an 'as'?

Five out of five DLP members...

Seriously though, that should be 'staring daggers at Harry but reluctantly jerking his head.'

Really it should either be 'we have eye-witness testimony' -OR- 'we have an eye-witness's testimony'

'Mr. Malfoy's'

right before he became an hero. 'an' should be 'a'

'a' should be 'an'

'Mr. Malfoy'

'were' should be 'with'

'find out who attacked'

'Mr. Potter'

Two of what?

I'd swap 'throwing' for 'jarring', 'jolting' or the like.

That is the kind of irony that is commonly referred to as 'delicious' Mmmm...

Needs an 'a' between 'at' and 'large'.

I read that as 'breasts' and was rather taken aback. I think I need to go to sleep.

Is that a trick question? Seriously.

'regards nubility and attractiveness as signs of sexual desirability'

In lieu of answering that question, I request that you arch your back, rather than your eyebrow.

She doesn't speak in italics when she's visible as an illusion, right?

Some feel that 'the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.'

And to reference Futurama a second time: "Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!"

Pardon? This might make sense if there were an 'an' before arrogant. Might.

'off with a dismissive'

Say what again?

Two sentences for the price of one, or just redundancy? 'Saying quietly' and 'speaking in hushed tones' are pretty much the same damned thing and here they all are in the same sentence with only a comma and a bushy-haired know-it-all to separate them.

'are' should be 'or other' (the 'or other' being there since, really, death eaters are dark wizards)

Nitpick in torpedo tube #3: I'd pick a new synonym for 'softly', it just doesn't work well with 'crisp'... not even as juxtaposition.

Oops, too many quotation marks.

...
...
Ugh!

Is this supposed to rhyme? Because, you know... it does.

 

Epic, simply epic. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter, Shezza.

 

And the withdrawal method, but nobody's perfect.

I dunno, would putting an 'of' between 'much' and 'use' be correct, or overkill?

'for fuck's sake'

'screech'

Maybe change the first 'light' to 'glow' or 'candescence'.

'on'

Mites and lice on the other hand...

If they left the Great Hall, why are they perched in its rafters? Or are these two sets of owls we're talking about here?

Hmm... ? 'and dived as one in all directions.' ???

'rush'

Okay... now you know I can't let this slide. How did this even happen? If the owls are lucky, they'll be saved by a watery puddle of water. What's next, a dirty pile of dirt?

I'd change that second 'flesh' to 'meat' for the sake of variety.

And remember, kids, Snowy owls don't hoot, they bark.

Do tell...

The 'out' is redundant, lose it.

Something's not right here...

'wrung'

I'd replace the 'and' with 'but'. I'm weird that way.

'on the', 'on his' and maybe just 'of the' could all work here (though it sounds wrong to these ears).

Harry and various assorted characters 'strode' six times this chapter. Not the end of the world, but in the future, some of them may decide to have walked, prowled, stalked, stomped, trundled, ambled, moseyed (okay, maybe not that one), slunk, skulked, waltzed or marched. At least I didn't suggest 'sashayed'.

Fawkes's

Is this Dobby or Harry doing the talking? - 'She gets'

'get the gist'

'steepling' - Ah, our favorite flavor of tea makes a comeback. Finger-soakin' good!

Hahaha! That's rich. I bet Dumbledore will be casting Evanesco on the contents of his underwear after Harry leaves.

That 'on' kind of makes the sentence drag. I recommend chucking it.

'Frustration'

'steepled' - It's the 'digital' treat that tastes like human meat for all you cannibalistic connoisseurs out there. Finger Tea!

'you'

That's just one goal... You's goals is to stay alive. Master Harry Potter sir!

I'd replace 'this is' with 'that is to'

Professor Snape, Mr. Shezza...

'“I have spoken with Professors McGonagall and Snape'

I have never, ever heard anyone say 'bewared'. Is this a British thing? Otherwise, drop the 'd' and make it 'beware'.

'perv'


-----------
PART III
-----------

'Bertie Bott's Every Flavour'

'bag'

'sewage' - because I hate your damned word! ...and this one really is the better choice.

The original 'protein shake'.

'were'

Meciel 'retreats into Harry's mind' twice in this mega-sentence. I'm not sure what you can really do about it though...

'sight'

'as he quickly'

'penis is whimpering'

That works, as does 'pomposity'.

Needs a 'there' between 'larger' and 'from'

'those'

Sounds like it should be 'bucked'

'gobbet' - 'another tiny gobbet of ice at the barrier.'

'tear in the very air itself'

'drowned out'

----

Off to the Nevernever; I'm all a-tingle!

 

Warlocke, you beast. <_<

 

Yay! Into the Nevernever!

Good work Shezza!

 

Trying to correct anything here is futile. Warlocke, I bow to thee. You catch everything.

 

Copy paste into MS word?

 

Kardikek have you ever USED Microsoft Word?

 

...

...

...

...

 

Aw shucks. I don't catch everything and I imagine I'm wrong plenty of the time too.

I guess if I'm not going to publish my own stuff I can at least edit a story or two.

I have Word but I almost never use it. I don't like it. Plus it has acted kooky the last few times I've tried to use it.

Believe it or not, I copied the quoted text out of the reply window, pasted the whole thing into a blank email, changed the text color to black and pasted it back into DLP to edit it. I do all the editing in DLP's reply window. I only pasted it into an email so I could remove the color and font formatting without removing the italics. In the past I haven't bothered with that but it was just easier than fiddling with the font this time.

I write my own stuff in ultraedit32 and have little symbols to indicate italics, bold print, etc. I just like writing in plain text. Then again, I'm also a weirdo.

 

Plain text is how all online fanfics used to be distributed in the recent past. The few who distributed .doc or .htm files also provided .txt files as a matter or course. Plain text newsgroups and mailing lists were both major channels for quickly distributing new fanfiction. Fics distributed to newsgroups would get sucked down onto online archives automatically. Text was good.

The rise of ff.net changed everything. I gotta say though, being able to use italics is an improvement over the old order.

Liking plain text doesn't make you a wierdo. You've got decades of fanfiction history backing you up. I use Notepad++ (Scintilla-based) for my plain text needs.

 

Y'know, this has always bothered me. In every battle, Hellfire is rushing through Harry's veins or body or whatever, but what does it actually do? I don't know a lot about the Dresden Files, so I'm pretty curious about this. Does it increase his physical ability? Increase the potency of his magic or something?