Yes. That is why I said they don't normally belong to either side. Only when the two sides go to full-scale war which is apparently a very rare event. Most of the time they just do their own things I believe.

Does it really make sense for Harry to go all wyrmy? I mean his skills at magic are advanced enough at this point that he can do far more damage with spells than he could in his bone-wyrm form.

I suppose he could manifest just the bone-wings though. He has done those before without fully transforming if I recall correctly?

 

Beautiful chapter man.
What makes it more awesome is the fact that he’s there to rescue Maeve and his child even though he doesn’t know it yet. I can’t wait to see how you write his reaction.

As Bukay said other than the fact he’s barking out all the spells, it’s all good.

 

the bone-wyrm would be most effective in close quaters fighting, the distance harry is from the the enemies means that magic attacks are far safer and more effective.

 

Still would have been awesome to see him go on a killing spree on a bunch of goblins though .

 

I think this is going to be what matures Harry up. Shezza has stated in the past, that eventually Harry will be more mature. I will definitely miss the immature and whiny Harry, but I guess all good things must come to an end. In all likely hood this will battle will change Harry forever, whether it be because Harry's child and Maeve die or one of them. I really want to see how Shezza writes Harry's reaction to the situation if that is the case.

I almost forgot to add this has so far been a great chapter, and I want to see the conclusion soon.

Homer

 

Great chapter so far.

 

Phalanx go post an intro. Its there for a reason.

As for the chapter well every time you throw something new our way you outdo yourself Shezza so congrats and keep it up.

 

'Bits'

'grin'

I think you must be missing, at the least, an 'and' between 'belly' and 'splattered'.

As the, as the, as the...
Exploded, exploded, exploded...

'surround'

Not a sentence.

There's a lot going on there, chief. At the least, cut 'It hissed at him and jumped for him' down to 'It hissed and jumped for him'

'an' 'woman'
Also, the way this is worded, it sounds like Harry sees her 'throwing the helpless prey to one of its kin' after she has disappeared???

I don't think this comes across quite the way you want it to. Guessing, it seems you're saying that the high Sidhe has a distant look on his face but the sentence (which doesn't quite make sense, considering the feral eyes), the way it is now, comes across more like it's saying that any human quality of his features is remote, he doesn't look remotely human. Basically, that sentence is a bit muddled.

I feel that 'thrown aside' would work better here.

called or shouted, take your pick.

'Sidhes'
'Sidhe's' is possessive.

Pools? I'm not feelin' 'pools...blasting through the air'. The word 'pools' seems kind of stationary and placid by its very nature. Perhaps 'swarms'? HellifIknow.

'his honed battle instincts'
'Instincts of battle' just sounds a tad... hokey.

He's closing in on Sirius's record... and Sirius can actually become a dog!

Really? Meowed? Really? 'mewled' would make at least a little more sense.

"Damndest thing I ever saw, Zeke! It was a bird-woman that meowed like a cat... er, cat-woman, I s'pose."

If the unicorn ended her cries, presumably by finishing her off, then shouldn't it have trod over her instead of past her? If the cries are just being drowned out by the noise, then it should say so. If she stopped because of the power of the sound (affected like Harry was), then that should probably be made a little clearer.

'on' would suffice. You've been officially nitpicked.

How can it collapse and/or buckle if it's already been knocked onto its side?

'A moment later' and 'promptly' are sort of redundant. Shit, they swarmed it as soon as they could get around to it, folks, they're tryin' real hard!

Also, 'which' should be 'who' (unless, like Umbridge, you classify them strictly as 'things').

Wait, did the sidhe cast the protection around Harry? The sidhe appears to be the one lifted off his feet along with the shield, so it would seem he cast it on himself. If that's the case, 'him' should be 'himself'. Watch those pronouns.

or 'purple oval eyes', whatever... In most cases, Warlocke likes da pretty colors to go first Huuuurrrrrrr. :mrgreen: No, seriously, I do.

How about 'pushed forth', you know, just for the hell of it?

Your characters' eyes do a lot of flicking and flittering. How about 'darted' this time?

Is a Denarian Meciel anything like a Denarian Knight? Or should it be 'the Denarian, Meciel, yes?'

Nitpick: clump sounds too solid to be oozing.

"I am your Hellfire and Meciel combined! I am Captain Planet!"

How about: 'his mind defended by both Hellfire and Meciel.'
-or- 'his mind defended by the combined might/strength of Hellfire and Meciel.'

'was' not 'were'

Yeah, there's been some of that brandishing going around lately. Some people thrust or point but, no, brandishing is the order of the day.

Really? I think not. Maybe a swath was cut through them...

Technically, this suggests that Harry has never seen vampires, goblins and centaurs before either. Replacing 'other' with 'even' or 'some' or 'even some' fixes that.

The invaders could be crying out with a unified voice, I suppose, but this situation seems more chaotic. 'with bellowing cries of defiance and hatred.'
Yeah... it's a nitpick. I'm just puttin' it out there.

There's been a lot of crackling going on too, lately. On the other hand, scarcely anything has 'throbbed' 'sizzled' or 'pulsed' yet.

Firstly, satyrs are bipedal, they don't have hind legs, they have legs like the hind legs of a goat. 'by its goat-like legs'

Now for the main issue: The natural thing to do here is read 'The Sidhe Lady countered one with a rush of green light and sparks' as one continuous statement, then view 'flittered through the sky, snagging a Satyr by its hind goat-legs and throwing him aside.' as something that turns the sentence into a fragment.

Maybe a comma after 'light' would help break the two parts of the sentence up so that the reader doesn't have to go over it a few times before realizing it's not wrong, just hard to read.

OR... 'The Sidhe Lady countered one with a rush of green light, sending a stream of sparks flittering through the sky, snagging a Satyr by its goat-like legs and throwing him aside.'
Or something.... anything.

'in his hand'

Is that like 'paying it forward'? Or is it more like 'and hurling it at the enemy.'

People do things 'forward' about twelve times in this chapter. Five times it's paired with verbs you normally wouldn't see alongside 'forward', mainly because you'd expect to see something more... energetic/exciting there (which even goes for some of the instances here with verbs that you do see alongside forward quite regularly).

This phrase is just weird. I'm not seeing what's going on here.

'at'

This is kind of... blah. I feel like something stronger/clearer could be here.

So first the harpies zoomed down, then the blood fell down?

Maybe 'A fine mist of blood fell like rain as the harpies devoured them,'

Gawd I hate that word. For those of us who don't speak Martian, try 'disoriented'.

...meaning that they're both glowing with bloodlust AND glowing just because that's what troll eyes do?

Aww, who loves Cess? That's right, Harry loves Cess!
Hawwy wuvs Cessbulby...

'Four of the ‘vines’ suddenly straightened, the silver light slicing straight through the centaurs neck, instantly decapitating him.'

I know which goblins are which, and you know which goblins are which, but some people might get confused...

With all the places you don't bother to use commas and you finally put one here?
Not that it's wrong but... still. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect someone was charging you for each comma you use.

And then a step to the ri-iight!
Shit, two Rocky Horror references in as many posts. I haven't even seen that damned movie in years...

Glittering and glimmering, and in the same sentence too? Impressive... or something. Did I mention that your Harry is the most glam anti-hero ever?

Hellish hues? *snicker* Er, I mean... No, that's super, just super. I'm sure there are plenty of interior decorators in Hell that use those.

Gay, fey, damned interior decorators in Hell (where the evil fags go after being crushed under a pile of hellishly hued swatches). The good queers use heavenly hues, I'm sure. Lots of rainbows. You can use 'fag' and 'queer' without sounding malicious and homophobic, right? Those have been cleared for public use, haven't they?

Fuck it; referencing Rocky Horror nets me a temporary license, either way.

Down boy! Bad Denarian!

Holy shit!

Oh... never-mind. But still, that should be 'troll's exposed armour'

Come to think of it, why the fuck are you specifying that the armor is exposed? It's armor! If it's not supposed to be exposed, what should you be wearing on top of it? Armor-armor? Armor-All? A fucking castle?

'The troll roared in defiance, halting its advance and pulling up an icicle-covered shield that was almost as big as Harry.'
That's just how I roll.

A lot of roaring happens in this chapter. This troll, in particular, has roared in defiance and agony. Maybe it could 'cry out', 'screech' or 'howl' in agony.

Is this only the fifth time we've seen someone 'brandish' something this chapter? Felt like more... but then it's not a terribly common word, so I suppose it stands out more.

You're missing an 'a' between 'down' and 'blackboard'. Also, this comes out of nowhere and sounds a little goofy. Kind of like, 'A nostril-burning stench was almost three times as bad as roadkill in the August heat, and the streak of potent dark magic slammed into the troll.' Huh? At first glance, the opening of the sentence seems totally unrelated to the rest of it.

'There was an eerie screeching noise, almost three times as bad as somebody dragging their nails down a blackboard, as the streak of potent dark magic slammed into the troll.'

Sure, blame it on the dark magic (we all know it's Cess that does it to him).

Pronounced She-Ra and She-Male, respectively.

It was all the fucking barking that did it.

Aww, the couple that slays together, stays together.
I'm not even really shipping anyone for this story... but those two are cute.

One of these is unnecessary. Mostly the second one. Kill it.

-----

'It' being the introduction forum, right?

 

Well in DR, the only occasions he really goes bone wyrm (the ones that I remember at least ) is when Harry is fighting an opponent that is vastly superior to him. The first fight with Deidre, and then later with Nicodemus, he was fighting a better opponent. At this point, he can blast all those goblin and trolls with just his magic, no need for bone wyrm.

Or at least that's how I see it.

 

The way I see it, transforming into another form is to give Denarians who don't or can't use magic an advantage. Since Harry has developed his magic, he doesn't need to transform into something else anymore.

 

O Shezza, Shezza, Wherefore art thou Shezza?
Deny thy duties and write thy story;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer beg.

 

Holy shit! Quick someone make an X-Rated omake!

 

So where is Shezza anyway? Inquiring minds want to know.

 

I took him for his walk this morning, but I haven't seen him since. I guess he's sleeping in the basement somewhere. I'll have to put him in his cage next time.

 

Chime: It writes the fanfic on its computer. It does this whenever it is told.
Shezza: Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they'll pay it.
Chime: It writes the fanfic on its computer or else it gets the hose again.
[to his dog, Precious]
Chime: Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!
Shezza: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you let me go, I won't - I won't press charges I promise. See, my mom is a real important woman... I guess you already know that.
Chime: Now it places the fanfic in the basket.
Shezza: Please! Please I wanna go home! I wanna go home please!
Chime: It places the fanfic in the basket.
Shezza: I wanna see my mommy! Please I wanna see my...
Chime: Put the fucking fanfic in the basket!

 

Its amazing what people will post for meager entertainment while waiting for an update

 

Watching Battlestar Galactica or someshit.

 

Nope, just bored on the internets.

It's about time I got up and did something.

 

'Tis but thy story that is my desire:
Art thou thyself, thou art not injured?
What injury? Is it your hand or foot,
Or arm or face, or any other part
Belonging to a man. O write some more story!
What happens next? That which we read
By any other auther would not be as sweet;
So Shezza would, were he not injured,
write that dear perfection which he owes
denarian knight its title. Shezza, post thy story,
and for thy story, which is part of thee,
Take all myself.

 

Morgoth has the right idea - if we start posting honest-to-God sonnets, it will touch Shezza's blackened heart to the extent that he will feel guilt whenever he watches Galactistar battle, or Galactic Battle of Stars, and bring him back to the land of the light (and of Denarian Knight updates).

I'll go scrounge about for that Valentine poem-sonnet I wrote, after some choicely modifications.