Title: Time, Mr. Potter?
Author: Tw15ted, http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1361546/
Rating: M, for violence and swearing
Genre: Action/Time Travel
Pairing: None
Chapters: 35
Words: 195,226
Updated: December 28, 2009
Published: March 30, 2008
Status: Complete
Summary: The Wizarding World falls to darkness, and Harry frantically attempts to gather the Horcruxes before Voldemort finishes him off entirely. When he is captured and attempts to escape, he is blasted back into his twelve year old body. He promptly screws up the timeline.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4165301/1/Time_Mr_Potter

This is the first proper-length fanfiction I have written, and it follows the "Harry sends his mind back to his younger self" plotline, but I hope it is sufficently devoid of cliche to make it worth reading. I know the DLP reviewers are excellent in their critique, so I was just looking for some pointers. I have been told that there are some small grammatical errors which I need extra help to iron out.

Some quick things:

This is non-DH compliant. Hallows can stick it.
Weasley interaction at the beginning, but I'm planning to ditch them eventually. Redheads... urgh.

EDIT: I have heard that authors can submit their own work, so apologies if I'm breaking any rules by doing so.


Sequel:

Extinguishing the Light
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,147
Updated: December 23, 2010
Published: November 18, 2010
Status: Abandoned
Summary: Sequel to "Time, Mr. Potter?" - Harry is trying to live his life as normally as any Time-Traveller can. It's just unfortunate that his enemies really, really would prefer he didn't live at all. Non DH compliant. Slow Updates, unfortunately.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6486395/1/Extinguishing-the-Light


Checked by Minion, January 6, 2013
Added the sequel

 

Sounds interesting. I'll be back with a review.

 

I've read four or five chapters. So far so good. I am not a fan of everyone being in on the whole Harry traveled time secret, but that's your story.

I liked how your wrote Ron, Ginny, and Hermione. The others seem to be in character too.

I see that you are taking Liath's tact in how Harry traveling time also affects Voldemort and gives him some memory or sense or something of the future. I hope you capitalize on that.

I so wish you hadn't had Harry reveal his true nature to so many people, that is the only thing holding me back from fully enjoying it.

Writing is fairly solid, saw one bad mistake, somewhere you said "me and Severus" instead of "Severus and I." Beside that can't recall anything mechanically wrong with what you've written.

I personally like Harry's interactions with his friends more than the ones with the adults. Too much rehashing of the same ground so many other fics have gone through; you know the reproaching and familiar Harry. I hope you can tone that down a little, or make it more subtle, and less speech-y.

However the thing I enjoyed most about this fic is as follows:

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice death scene.

 

The writing style is decent enough and the plot is rather well developed for a REDO fic...

BUT

I really, really disliked this Harry's character. He's simply too immature for a 22 year old who's been through hell and back. Why in the world would he be wasting time beating up some 13 year old kid or enjoy Molly's and Sirius's mothering? He's at the age where he should be mentally seeking to start his own family, not try to relive the childhood he never had.

His grandstanding speeches don't help his likeability neither. Shouldn't he be over his childhood with the Dursleys already? Unless they raped him or something, I doubt he'd even remember all the so-called abuses he's been whining about to Dumbledore, especially after going through all those hardships in a real war.

Really, his entire mental landscape is that of a 13 year old with a vague knowledge of the future, rather than a 22 year old in a smaller body. If you presented his trip to the past as only his memories attaching themselves to his younger self, this could work. But presenting us with a seemingly mature warrior and then having him bitch, throw tantrums and show off by beating up kids is just frustrating, at least for me.

Other major fault is that nothing too spectacular has happened as of yet. Sure, there's an announced Horrcrux hunt and Voldemort is making himself a new body and Azkaban breakout was sort of cool, but really, none of these subplots had really blown me off my feet or even excited me all that much. Don't get me wrong, they are decently conceived and presented, but at this point, not all that memorable.

Which doesn't mean they won't become so in the future.

If only Harry's character could fucking grow up too....

 

I know what you mean with regards to his character, but I see it this way. Hes be essentially alone (TraumatisedWarVeteran!Ron probably would make for crappy conversation) for a while, so I reckon he would accept the mothering fairly readily, although any sort of solid rules (But you can't join thhee OORRRDDDEEERRR!) would result in him telling people where to stick it. Hes content to drift along right now, along with the confusion a second puberty brings about (he may have an adult mind, but really hes being forced to grow up all over again, albeit faster). I don't imagine time travel is easy to get your head around, so it will take a sort of "wake up" moment before he begins to prioritise and focus on victor.

Speechyness was mainly to get the point across in as short as time as possible. The first few chapters are mainly to organise the logistics of traveling back in time. Horcrux hunts are nice and all but I would prefer it to be more behind the scenes than anything, seeing as Harry had found all but one.

I'm going to try to develop his attitude to be more "Hey, these aren't the friendly, mature allies I once knew! They're bloody annoying!" and then ditch them all.

Thanks for the critiques, guys!

And with the death scene, I thought "wheezed" was a good pun on "Weasley", seeing as its the gingernut who is being killed.

 

How is this suppose to read? There are a couple more areas that make me pause for a bit while reading, but this was the first one and the one that stood out the most, to me.

ip82 hit the nail on the head, as far as my feelings of this story goes. It's a decent story so far, but this characterization of Harry doesn't do much for me.

I can see where you are trying to go, so I'll stay with it for now.

 

Nice setup - I'll be watching for more of this.

 

I have taken Ip82's advice and changed Harry's view of the Weasleys in the later chapters (7 onwards) to reflect a slightly more mature mind (i.e. one that is not satisfied by endless Quidditch and inane conversations with 12 year olds). Hopefully that will correct the frustrations people had with character development.

 

I actually enjoyed this one a bit. The premise is a little over-used but this one dealt with it differently by revealing it to Dumbledore and co. I'll rate it at 4/5

 

Just make sure that this is the path that you want to take.

 

I was planning on having Harry break away from everyone eventually (probably due to the Order (bar Moody) being all "But you can't kill Death Eaters that makes you worse than them!1"), so this way I can lay down some buildup to it so it isn't an abrupt swing. And anything that adds realism can't be bad!

 

Okay, yep, gave it a read because I'm into the whole time-travel business.

Not too shabby - a good read, quick and easy. Few standard spelling errors and grammatical mishaps, but that's never much of a problem. I usually like the chapters with a bit more meat to them - not filler - just longer, yet the update rate is great so far.

Harry's emotions do seem to be running a little high - as in, he's crying like a baby here and there. Harry's thing, even in canon (in fact, especially in canon) is that he rarely - if ever - cries. Just something that sticks out to me there. You can 'feel' more emotion, get sucked deeper into the tale, in the way he doesn't cry through the whole shit storm of his life.

What else have we got... waiting for something fresh and exciting to happen in the next few chapters. The Azkaban breakout was a step in that direction, but not quite there - looking forward to the fallout from that which should finish it off nicely. Fudge blustering and Dumbledore knowing exactly what happened.

I like the plot so far, all in all. There's the potential for some good things to happen, and you get points for starting a story not directly after fifth-year, which is usually the standard because there's a firm foundation to build upon. Don't know about anyone else, or whether you'll even get that far, but I always like to see the Triwizard Tournament rehashed. But then if Voldemort's back early there might be little point. Still...

So yeah, good stuff so far, I'll keep an eye on it.

3.5/5 with the definite potential for more when we see how badass Voldemort's early return is, Harry's bitter realisation that things aren't going his way, and all of that.

Cheers for a good read,

Joe

 

You have an interesting concept. It has potential to be one of the rare time travel stories that actually turn out decent. ip82 pointed out some very good points about Harry's character so I won't bother restating. I do have some problems with Fudge's character. He seems to be a bit off. I mean we are talking about a man who is as opportunistic as they come. He wasn't minister when Black was sent to prison so this would be great publicity for him. Also, you seem to be working under the relationship between Fudge and Albus after the fourth book which is not really a great way to go considering that at this time Fudge is on very good terms with Albus.

It is probably also prudent to mention that Fudge said that Voldemort was back when he saw him in person. Most fanfiction authors try to make Fudge some guy who will not admit to what is right in front of him, but that isn't the case. It was a case of Fudge not believing the words of a 14 year old kid who was probably not thinking correctly after seeing his classmate die at the hands of what could probably be assumed to be death eaters. Fudge even said Lucius went too far in the second book so you can't say that Lucius owns Fudge. His influence was given ownership after Fudge and Albus parted ways which left Fudge with only corrupt people advising him so became paranoid about Albus creating an army of his own which lead to all of the restrictions and complications. He was doing what he thought was best.

Now, I would also like to make a comment on the whole Moody being the only one with him on the killing thing. The order members in DH told Harry to get more violent. They were not above killing. Hell, all of the auras in the cannon verse except Moody took advantage of the ability to use the dark curses granted by Crouch. It really bugs me when people forget that the reason Moody is so scarred is that he tried to take them alive and avoid using spells that could have easily allowed him to end duels with much less injury to himself. Then there is the fact that Snape would have no qualms about killing, and Albus has lived through at least two major wars. He always says there are things worse than death which seems to indicate that the spells he uses do more harm than people think.

Did you ever wonder why Albus Dumbledore would have let Grindelwald live to be stuffed into a prison? I mean Albus admitted that the man was a genius at magic so he should have easily been able to break out of any prison. My guess is Albus did something that permanently removed his ability to use magic. He took away the one thing that Grindelwald was a genius at using to make him feel weak and powerless for the rest of his life which from all indication was quite a long time to be looking at the walls of a prison. I have a hard time believing that characterizing the order as being all nice and light sided fits in either cannon or in a realistic approach to the Harry Potter verse. With that being said, you have a good story here. I'm wondering where you are planning on going with it and who if anyone Harry will end up dating.

 

Enh. It was okay. I got my hopes up when he told Dumbledore that he was from the future, it ment that he wasn't going to be pretending to be a little kid. He's already been through the 3rd year. It's just a waste of time to do it again.

Edit: Twisted, please change your avatar. It makes me want to kill you.

 

Did I imply that he was going to go to school like a good boy and do it all again? If I did, that sort of boring rewrite of canon isn't really what I'm aiming for.

And TimeLord you do raise some solid points about Fudge, but I think he was more in a panic rather than trying to rationally think about the situation. I mean he had just been confronted with some trussed up prisoner and told that the Ministry had made a serious error. How would you react?

 

why is this rated 'M' again?

Decent fic to kill a little time I suppose, but not jaw dropping by any stretch of the imagination. 3ish. Not bad, not extraordinary, but not bad.

 

Not bad at all Twisted, but please understand that I have to ask, when are you updating "Resurgence"?

 

Twisted, take that avatar into adobe or some other such program and write the "Surprise Butsecks" under it. From the expression on Harry's face either Lupin didn't use the lube or Harry is really enjoying himself.

 

Ok, you have got some solid writing skill and an somewhat original plot.

It's a shame that your story has my major pet peeved considering time travel. You have nearly everybody know that he is a time traveler. That just piss me of on so many level that you cannot even try to imagine.

So... not gonna read further. Nothing to do with your story being bad, just personnal taste.

Not going to rate it either since it will be unfair.

 

I'm not entirely sure how do I feel about this story... there's nothing wrong with your writing skills, it's the plot that I have objections to.

The beginning was a bit strange, although the scene with Voldemort kicking Harry for destroying his horcruxes made me smile... The "prison in one's own mind" is a great idea, as well as the confusion whether it is a mental torture or sth else...

However the rest of the story... well... it really ruined this piece of fiction for me, especially Harry telling about his unique predicament almost to everyone as well as his bossy attitude towards, well, everyone...

So far I've read 3 chapters, however I won't go any further.
It might be a good story but in my opinion not a library worth material

2.5/5