Since there is exactly one sentence mentioning a microphone directly, and in it the microphone does indeed go haywire, I'm not seeing your point. Now, the microphone in the shrubbery would've been some distance from Harry's event so it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect it to survive that--what made it break was likely the collapsing of the wards.

 

dun dun fucking dun.

What the hell kind of writing is this? Christ! I saw a 4/5 rating for this and thought there must be something unbelievable coming up for it to be rated so high.

Shivers? Really? How did the collective literary body ever miss the depth and drama of that physical response.

And after the quoted part the writer goes on another meandering length of wtf about exactly why amongst the many reasons for shivering already stated above plus along with the possibly fatal situation he's in was he shivering?

Indeed that little discourse was riveting. (/sarcasm)

Moving on from content, the writing is sketchy, showing the skeleton of the scenes and no meat in way of pace, description, style. Characterization...Dumbledore is a many faceted character, I understand that and love reading him when he is shown as a complete person, so don't take this as 'oh Nuhuh is pissed that Dumbledore was more hardcore than in canon' but he read like someone driving stick shift when they don't know a clutch from a windshield wiper.

Let's come to Voldemort and cookie cutter description. At this point I would ask that you look at DreamRed's Voldemort for a good example. You know what, forget Voldemort's cookie cutter-ness. I'll just quote something from the story:

Yes! Voldemort is the bully hanging out in the school yard with a cigarette, leaning against the wall with his homies, stealing your lunch money. Why do bad guys have to sound the same! And what the hell is "vague malice"? Is it I may eviscerate you but I am not sure if the sweetpeas have bloomed yestereve.

Description: Harry's veela powers onset is characterized by Harry seeing red with rage.

...I'll repeat if you didn't catch that, because the writer certainly wanted to emphasize this part: Harry sees red with rage. Perhaps next he will quiver in fear, and then be fit as a fiddle. Is it too much to ask to bring something passably fresh to the table? Oh! my bad, I forgot the epic dissertation on "shivers" at the beginning of the story.

This story promises to fail even harder as it goes on. The best part of it was the Dragon Ball Z spoof.

At best this is an average story. I think its awful, I can't even imagine the horror when Fleur and Harry actually meet.

NOT 4/5.

 

I don't think this story is very realistic...

Harry has been looking for acceptance from Petunia all of his life. Then, when she finally shows him the love that he's always wanted, his reaction is to shun her advances and then murder her?

He should have just fucked the broad and skeeted on her right when Dudley and Vernon walked back in.

And no, I'm not joking.

 

Yes, that's true I guess that Harry didn't really have any visible reason for disliking or mistrusting Dumbledore. I guess the whole idea that Harry went from practically independent in the ass hat of nowhere, Dursleyville to go to being trusted by the famous Headmaster of your school just bugs me something fierce.

It's an okay story yeah. There are some things I like. But the use of microphones is a little fishy for cannon unless they have a much more muggle background or a sonorous object. *grins.

Story needs work and a little more realism but it I am planning on reading it again if it gets updated and I remember it.

 

I actually really like this fic so far. And unlike some of the reviews I have seen, I really hope the author keeps the humor going. After all this passage:

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Wrong? WRONG!? Nothing is wrong. Is anything wrong?” Vernon quickly jabbered. His head snapped to the side to regard his son. “DUDLEY! Go and check if something is wrong!”

Dudley nodded jerkily, before bounding down the hallway, heedless of the fact that there was nothing wrong or the fact that he wouldn’t even know where to specifically look. Harry got the feeling he was just trying to put distance between them.

That was damn funny to me. Anyway, I give this a 4/5 so far.

 

Eh. I liked the first chapter more than the second, but it was still meh. Hopefully it will get better, but I don't think so, considering the title. That put me off a little.

3/5

 

Ur doin it rite, Potter!

Incest wtf? This story has had a hint of fail since the Fleur part.

Still, some major win in there.

I could see OotP!Harry killing Petunia in anger. Its a stretch, yes, but not such a stretch to be totally unimaginable. Especially if you add his confusion over the whole 'red' thing.

Male Veela is a failtastic way to get H/F goin'.

Wards were 'ight, except for the Fidalius.

Someone from here should offer to beta. If no one else does by -- oh, I don't know... until I get really bored, I'll send the author an email. Post here if you do, though, since I'm not the best beta.

A DLP beta should solve all the characterization & plot problems.

nuhuh, not many people have voted yet. Of-fucking-course its going to be an inaccurate measurement of what the story will actually be.

I'd give it a 3.7 to 4 out of 5. I forgot to vote, so I may change my mind.

 

Read the first chapter. The author's ideas about the Veela nation were interesting. On the other hand, the fact that Dumbledore insisted to see Harry's memories through Legilimency felt off. Legilimency is more painful than asking Harry to tell him everything, which he logically does in GoF; and if he really needed to see the memories himself, he could've asked Harry to add them to his Pensieve. On the whole it felt like a sadistic moment, meant to put Harry on the receiving end of more pain.

Another thing that pissed me off is that Harry, when he learns that Crouch Jr. was alive and working for Voldemort, feels sympathetic towards the Death Eater. The first thing that should've come to his mind was, "This miserable piece of shit was among those who tortured the Longbottoms to insanity. Fuck him."


Read the second chapter. It starts off with Harry realising women want to stay in his presence while men are unexplicably scared of him. And then he concludes he must be a male Veela.

Holy God of Logic, What the Fuck is This?

Let me specify that, at this point, it's not as if the women were swooning every time he entered a room. They just act hysterically concerned about his well-being. And to my knowledge, women are not affected at all by female Veelas. So I don't see why males should be affected by a male Veela either -- and certainly not why Harry would draw this conclusion from such random facts.

Apart from that, and what was previously mentioned about Voldemort's clichéd villain lines, the second chapter wasn't bad. Harry's characterisation wasn't the catastrophe it is in most Indy fics. Petunia trying to rape him was wince-worthy, especially since Veelas don't get raped -- they make people awestruck. But... meh, why not. All in all, the Veelas were still the most interesting of the lot.



Otherwise, that was one big exercise in lexical masturbation.

I actually stopped and stared at "his potion of macabre sacrifices". Sometimes, my reaction to melodramatic writing goes beyond amusement or annoyance, and straight to hysterical laughter. This was one of those times.

The author delights in writing elaborated sentences with flowery vocabulary, and it shows. His writing terribly lacks in simplicity. Sometimes, because of that, it doesn't even make sense anymore.

Example:

1: panicking fears? Would sound inspired if it wasn't for, you know, the redundancy.

2: "like loss of Quidditch and holding his wand" -- "holding his wand" becomes a 'panicking fear' just like "loss of Quidditch". So in fact, he's afraid of the loss of Quidditch, and of holding his wand.

The author also seems to have a passionate relationship with commas -- that, or some sort of contract. The bloody commas are everywhere, including where they have no business.

I just need to read that to start hyperventilating. In the same way, the last part of the chapter is filled with nothing but one-sentence paragraphs, which make the writing jerky, instead of flowing.

Last, he's obviously allergic to the verb 'say'. I don't have much to bitch about here, as I'm guilty of the same thing (I'm working on it), but some verbs he uses jump out at your face and try to claw your eyes out.

Informed him? I don't mind using synonyms of 'say', but INFORM? For those who wouldn't be aware of it, inform should be used when the character is actually delivering a bit of information. *Not* expressing an opinion about Harry's dead parents.

Same goes for,

No comment.

Doubt I'll keep reading. The commas and overuse of synonyms for 'say' can be fixed with a beta, but I'm not sure the flowery writing can; and I just can't stomach that kind of writing.

2/5. Because sometimes, even good Veelas can't save a story.

 

But I agree with everything else.

At least the author actually knows he needs a beta. If someone volunteered, a lot of the other problems would go away.

 

Andromalius, the problem is that Harry does conclude he must be a male Veela just from the facts I've mentioned. Then he says "oh wait -- male Veelas are supposed to just be handsome Muggles, so since I can still do magic, I must be human after all."

 

Just read the update and i dont know about this, the first 2 chapters kept me entertained bar the things that many have already picked up on. I can accept that he would find killing easier and easier to do after his aunt, nothing like being a kinslayer to get your counter ticking and all.

I like that he doesn't have Voldemorts knowledge but it can be grating especially when i just read the latest fight scene. The long chapters are interesting and favorable so i'll stick to it if he can keep it up and his sentences and grammar mistakes are toned down.

 

Oh no, have I come too late? Bugger. Well, I can hope that my new beta will bring my fic out of the bin.

 

I was not impressed. It reminded me a bit too much of Riddlers fic. Male Veela irritate me a bit anyways. The grammar was sub-par and a storyline that progresses logically was almost non-existent, so, basically, a 2/5 for now. I'll withhold my final vote until after the next chapter or two.

 

Right, many thanks and all...listen, on the Veela aura. I was going for a sort of thing that can be controlled and manipulated, like a blob/slash mist sort of thing. You know, bunch it up, it gets thicker and stronger, you can send out tendrils of it, and supress it and such if neccesary. What do think? Suggestions welcome all around.

 

Just out of sheer curiousity, how'd you find out your story was being reviewed here?

 

I'm sorry, the mist thing must sort of subconciously make you think it was slow. All I'm suggesting is that it's manipulatable depending on one's level of power and skill and experience, which I'll tie in later in my story. (What does AFAIK mean? Forgive an ignorant newb...)I was also really going to flesh out the fire and avian form thing, along with blood to power ratio. You know, quarter-bloods can do this, half-bloods can do that. Right...question. Should Harry's form be avian, per say? Or could it be something different, like, instead of flying, he gets supernaturally tough skin? I could see that on a male veela (We'll just call it that for now until I think up a more bad-ass name), you know, for duking it out with other mveela for territory, concubines, ect.. Or maybe just super-strength (Don't worry, I won't turn Harry into a 1000-word insta-hunk). Or...what? Throw me a fricken' inspirational bone, here!

 

Try not to make him superpowered.

His form. Do you need it? Will you use it? You should be asking that and if no, don't bother.

But if you do need something, you could say that his secondary form is useless as "Insert convenient story line" so that Male Veela would stop rapeing the Veela.

Maybe make Harrys ability magic. Other Male Veela can't use it and he can. He has no secondary form.

Careful with the concubines. Don't make it a story where if he has 2 kids from each women, you'd get 160 kids...

If you really need to, just have 2 women. End of.

If you want some ideas. This thread should give some ideas. Just go to the last page if you couldn't be bothered with anything else.