I also gave him a link. <_<

 

Goodness, no! This will not be a harem. I'm not going to vent my sexual frustration by writing some shoddy piece of smut, like other teenagers such as myself. There's porn for a reason, after all.

As for the second form, yes, I do plan on using it. Hmm...I have an idea. It's not too powerful, don't worry.How does extreme fire resistance and slight demonic senses sound? Like, you know increased hearing, smell, some pretty long (sharp, not feminine) nails...that sounds like something a magical creature would look like. Not even extra strength or reflexes.I'm going to flesh it out. Cover me.

His skin began to coat black, until his whole body seemed covered in a light onyx sheen. The skin shone, like a polished gem. His hands clenched as the nails lengthened and thickened rapidly, until his fingers ended in short, thick black spikes unrecognizable from the fingers. And his filmed over crimson, unti it was only two malevolent blood red orbs remained in his narrowed sockets.

Howwazzat? If it's good, then I'm going to go run and get a cookie. If it's bad, then don't sugercoat it. Tell me exactly where I fucked up.

 

You want mechanical pointers or for us to poke at the idea to see if it ain't dead? Stylistically, I'm partial to active voice with high impact use of modifiers laced with a bit of symbolism. (But then many would argue that my stuff is overwritten tripe--take my pointers with a grain of salt). For instance:

His skin darkened to an oily sheen of liquid onyx as talons, thick and black, speared from his fingertips. His green irises, his Mum's gentle eyes, began to burn with a hellish cerise that expanded, consuming the whites. The demon blinked once, twice, his twin blood orbs glowing with malevolence.

I've only skimmed some of what wrote, so I can't comment on how well the idea fits in the context of your story. (I'll leave that to others). Regrding DLP, be smart, don't take it personally if folks criticize, and you'll do fine here. Welcome aboard.

 

Glad to be aboard. Mind if I completely and utterly steal that line you just improved significantly from my slop?

As for the don't take things too hard thing, well, acknowledged, Order Member man. Will keep in mind. Over and out.

And mechanical pointers, for sure. Now, I'm off to an all nighter with the Harry/Fleur Community thread. I need to catch up here.

 

Take whatever works for you. I'm sure it can be improved--I just threw it down sort of quickly to illustrate what I was talking about.

Glad to see another author taking up the Harry/Fleur mantle.

[Edit: Heh. Didn't realize my title changed today. 400 posts must be a roll-over point.]

 

Oh Pica-city, you get a coupon to shop at Hell's duty free store for that. But I forgive you for you do not know what you do.

Stop posting, go write something for me to read.

 

Why is this in the bin? Four stars, an epic almost-rape scene for lulz, a badass but believable Harry, and a Male Veela Harry/Fleer story that promises to not turn into a harem fic?

What more can we ask for? Even the writing is pretty damn good. Only the slightly comedic flavor of the girl teams is a problem, and even then, the darker overtownes of the whole "holy shit there here to kill me thing" is cool.

4.5/5 for now.

 

Wow...that's the first honestly full rating I've got since this was posted. I'm flattered you think my writing is pretty damn good, when I myself think it only barely satisfactory.

Thank you, sir.

It's in the bin, I think, because this is the first Harry Potter fic I've ever written, so it's obvious there's room for improvement. I acknowledge and accept that and strive to do better because of it.

 

No, no, I get what you're saying. I know you're actively avoiding crushing it, or at least that's what it feels like to me. I appreciate that, but I know my fic is not epic quality.

I'm just saying, if I'm doing borderline on my very first HP fic, that's pretty good, right?


"Very first HP fic..." Lol. I've been rereading this thread, and I just had to call bullshit on that one. Nice try though, Sin of Existance.

 

First fics are pretty hard to get just right since you're figuring out so much stuff on the way. I know I made tons of mistakes with mine, things I wouldn't do now. This is pretty common: if you look at the first stories of any of the giants in fanfiction, you'll see "rough around the edges" aspects that are absent from their more polished, later work.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is to finish that first longer story. It'll establish you as one of the uncommon authors in fanfiction capable of running novels through to completion and it'll give you more confidence for larger creative leaps in the future. Keep in mind that one average, completed story is worth ten epic starts.

And for the love of Moe, no matter how much you become disenchanted with your evolutionary work, please don't pull a SerpantSannin/Sin of Existance and delete your first stories. That's the fast-track to losing friends and alienating people.

@nuhuh: Working on it. I worked on my WiP today and will get some more writing in tonight. Yesterday I submitted a longish (~17k words) one-shot, a bit of a dark H/G/Daphne romantic comedy, for a competition. (It was a pretty lame challenge; basically I turned it on its ear with the piece). I'm not sure if I'll post the latter though; while it has some decent scenes, the story as a whole doesn't work as well as I'd hoped.

 

I am game to check it out, or just read for my own pleasure.

Plus I thought somewhere in there you promised me previews of your WIP...yes, yes, I am sure of it!

 

I know what you're saying. I've really taken it into consideration. I've been thinking too much of an epic, ground-breaking work. I've bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak.

I've revised some of my more ambitious goals for the fic. Thanks for the tip.

'Salutes' Heil, Mein Fuhrer! Onwards to the fourth chapter!

 

I HAVE.

Read and behold

<http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4488479/4/Harry_Potter_and_the_Halcyon_Phantasmagoria>

Now, who thinks I should post this in Work by Authors? I could use a good bash to my grammar, style, and all-together author-ly testicles, now that I consider it.

 

Mistake, perhaps?

 

Um...'sweats nervously'...no?
It IS the un-beta-d version, after all. I'll put in that he retrieved it in the beta-d version.

 

The last two updates have brought this story closer to library worthiness, I think. Yet another faction is after Harry's blood - this time literally. The incubus physiology is intriguing, and PhantasmagoricBlade surprised me with what he did with the incubus fire. Wonderful and well-imagined effect.

The world is fleshed out more too, given a sense of organization. I look forward to seeing expansion on that front. One of my qualms is that this Dumbledore only resembles his canon counterpart in dialogue only. His actual actions just seem off.

Otherwise, the story has successfully weaned me off my desire to read more Secret of the Male Veela, and it didn't even need smut to do it.

 

It updated: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4488479/9/Harry_Potter_and_the_Halcyon_Phantasmagoria

It's still pretty hot off the press, I was too interested in getting it to PhantasmagoricBlade to beta it too thoroughly, and PhantasmagoricBlade almost immediately posted chapter nine, so it might have rough spots.

The plot moved back into the fifth year at Hogwarts, but it doesn't feel too much like canon. The author proved that he is capable of subtlety.

When Umbridge asks Harry about what could threaten them, Harry of course doesn't see the bait when he says Voldemort, but neither does the Voice of the incubus, who only encourages him. So the incubus side of him has shortcomings.

When Harry reaction to being called a liar involves veela fire, Umbridge uses that as ammunition in trying to get Harry expelled when she confronts Dumbledore, but unlike in canon, she is motivated not just by the goals of the Ministry, but fear. It shows the difference between the canonical Harry and this Harry.

The continuing development of the incubus is also interesting, now that Harry has a competitor in the form of the Voice thing. I consider that probably the strongest aspect of the story. None of the male veela stories have an exploration of their nature and power, which is handled excellently here. Most of those - including Secret of the Male Veela, are depthless with only a shallow two-step procedure A: Attract women. B: Sex women up.

One of the better stories that are currently ongoing. It is actually updated consistently, barring this last (but still sizeable at 9,000 words) chapter which was due to a computer problem according to PB.