I couldn't really get into this one. It just didn't flow very well and a lot of the little things throughout the story-line were driving me bug-fuck. 3/5

 

Story has been completely rewritten, and taken down and reposted in the process. New link is here.

I'll be modifying my original post in the thread shortly.

 

Only through the first chapter so far, but wasn't this a little redundant?

-----The Daily Prophet had certainly changed their tune where he was concerned, as his friend Hermione Granger had noted in the hospital wing at Hogwarts. The latest headline, which had been tossed against the wall haphazardly that morning, was now claiming him to be the wizarding world's champion.

"Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, is now the Wizarding World's Champion?"------

Other than that, I'm really glad this is back up and running. The fic is too good just to be abandoned.

 

I can't seem to get over his extensive use of exclamation marks. Its like he doesn't know where to find the fullstop. Other than that and the fact that he seems to have forgiven Dumbles completly I like the story so far. Only read the first chapter though.

 

The story isn't bad if every conversation didn't end with ! I wish he use periods more.

 

Heh, I had the same thought about exclamation marks after I read the first chapter, but it seems other people pointed that out already

The story doesn't start out impressively, but it does get better later on.

And I didn't mind the "summary" in the first chapter, JKR seems to do that a lot in her books so that's very canon, haha

 

I read it a long time ago before the author put it on hiatus. Rikun asked me to read and review it a few weeks ago, and I haven't had time to. Well, now's a good a time as any. I am curious to see what he's changed in the rewrite, though I haven't read it in years so it will probably be new to me now.

 

The story started off a bit slow, but picked up the pace at about chp. 5 onwards. Just for being an OC I'll give it an 4/5 for now.

 

So I've finished reading it for the first time in almost three years. It's redundant to say it again, but my problems were just the exclamation points and the rehashing. Both were easily ignored. Harry starts off weak and awkward, but progresses along with the story. If I remember correctly, he has changed some things, or at least hasn't posted all of the chapters since I can remember some important things happening in the first version that haven't been included in the rewrite.

Like it's been said before, Rayne is a big part of what makes the story great. I remember the author telling me that she was inspired by someone he knew, so I suppose that contributed to the good characterization.

 

I never read the original version of this for some reason, but this has got the best romance fic I've read in an long time, and I agree with Jaba it's the OC that makes this better than most of the crap around.

Does anybody else find it a little odd that the author put this down as adventure/angst not romance or adventure/romance?

 

The story updated again.

It looks like we just reached the climax of the story! While this chapter wasn't my favorite (possessed Rayne = boring Rayne) I think it set up the next chapter to be great.

 

The new chapter was pretty good. At least that particular last leg of the story has finished so that Rayne isn't a zombie anymore. Harry needing his ass saved all the time can get a bit annoying, but he was improving with that, so who knows. The ending was great and I want to see how that affects Harry in the next chapter, which also happens to be the last chapter, it seems. It's still surprising that the story is coming to an end since it the plot seems short to me. I thought there would be a few more chapters with other villains, but Yuzuho was focused on, I guess.

 

*Blink*

Wow, chapter 18 was like a rush hour drive through the badfic badlands.

Which one of these things doesn't belong?

The rotting cherry on top of the shit sundae is the apparations/apparitions fuck-up right out of the gate. Most HP fic writers goof up and say apparition (ghost) when they mean apparation (teleporting). That's lazy, but it makes some sense, because apparation is just a made up word, making the tendency to write apparition instead much more likely.

Still... somehow, this author did the opposite. I'd prefer to buck the trend by being one of the few to get it right, but oh well.

Then we have the author saying the exact opposite of what he meant, which he's done before (it's one of the more infrequent mistakes I see made, but he seems to have a knack for it). Shouldn't that be "her body lay limp in a twisted angle, but she didn't appear to be harmed." If she is harmed, then it should come as no surprise, considering her position, and thus does not need mentioning.

Just- Just no. Less than stellar phrasing all around, and ignoring that the next to last one was part of a sentence fragment; hungry kittens? What the fuck? Not the imagery I'd go for... outside of a Sluggy Freelance comic, at any rate.
If his arm was gripped hard enough to break it, then shouldn't it have, uh, broken?

??? If her entire body except for one bit is intact, then why stick that 'alone' in there? Her mind is apparently still intact too, so obviously she's pretty much fine, except for the hole in her chest. This author seems to have a bad habit, shared by many, of trying to make flowery, evocative imagery, only to end up making sentence fragments, statements that mean the opposite of what he/she meant, and of course, the utter fucking nonsense.

Decomposing slowly? Wouldn't that be even slower than normal decomposition? I'm amazed he could even tell, at that speed, that they were rotting at all.

Wait, what does her running up the stairs have to do with her feet touching Harry, or are the stairs a 'him' now?

Complete and utter nonsense.

A highlight reel of garden variety fuck-ups, more or less.

Everyone should be aware that it's Rennervate now, though I wouldn't shoot someone for not having received the memo.

I won't even touch the 'love' scene except for that phrase. Whose seed was he expecting here, other than his own? Another guy's? Hers? Perhaps a selection from Burpee or the Dutch Bulb Company. Fox Mulder's sunflower seeds? What?!

There were more gaffes and garbage, but I'm not going to address all of them. If I nitpicked one or two things, well, it's hard not to when you have so much to work with.

Oh, and if I had to read just one more variation on how "SENSATION VERBed through PRONOUN like NOUN", I'd have screamed like a VERBing NOUN.

At least the author has a passing familiarity with then/than.

 

Rennervate? Ennervate? I've seen both, but I wasn't aware that there was a 'correct' one to use.

 

Yeah, somewhere along the line someone told JKR that the word enervate meant the exact opposite of what the spell, Ennervate (why she adds an extra 'N', I do not know), did. She corrected it in later books to Rennervate.

For the record, Enervate = weaken; make effeminate; deprive of vigor.

Considering the spell wakes you back up, Ennervate isn't the best choice of incantations.

Incidentally, the HP Lexicon entry for Ennervate is nothing but the name of the spell, the pronunciation, and a link that says "See Rennervate."

 

I tried, I really tried but first chapter is unreadable. All I have found was excessive use of exclamation marks, poor narrative, and simply boring story.
Also, I got a feeling that author didn't read canon carefully enough.