Title: Harry Potter Mercenary
Author: DobbyElfLord
Rating: M
Genre: Adventure
DLP Category: Independent Harry
Pairing: Harry/Daphne Greengrass
Words: 27,402
Published: September 17, 2008
Status: Complete, Oneshot
Summary: Harry Potter is sent to prision for a crime he did commit. Now they need their hero back but he's lost all interest in saving them. They threw him away and now its going to cost them. Note rating! One-shot.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4544334/1/

It's been a while since I've seen 1) a completed Azkaban story and 2) an Azkaban story that actually has a believable unwilling Harry. It does have some of the clichés of the genre, but they've been used in a slightly different and actually believable manner. It's an enjoyable read.


The sequel can be found here:

Title: Harry Potter Hitwizard
DLP-Thread: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=18478&highlight=6568694
ff.net-Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6568694/1/Harry_Potter_Hit_Wizard


Checked by Minion, July 29, 2013

 

I liked it. I thought that it was pretty good for a one-shot though it did lack some development. It is one of the few Azkaban stories that have Harry actually responsible for the crime he commited; the reason was a little cliche, I think, but that was easily overlooked.

The part about Hermione blindly trusting in authority was a bit annoying to read. However, her marriage to Percy was a nice touch. I also enjoyed the fact that the author didn't make Ron a complete, back-stabbing idiot.

Overall, it was an enjoyable one-shot though a little cliche at some points. 4/5

 

I agree. I liked this story as well. Library worthy, in my opinion. 4/5 from me.

 

I liked it. The story still has those stupid names for Dumbledore, such as 'Dumbles', but quite a good story.

Lucus Malfoy getting turned into a prison bitch doesn't hurt either.

 

teh Rage!


Other than that it's a pretty enjoyable story. Pretty good overall, some clichés here and there, but not too many of them, and an entertaing read.

3'5/5 from me

 

I was well into this story before I decided to start recording the mistakes, so I wrote down the one that grabbed my attention at the top, then picked up at where I currently was in the story. It should still get the message across.

Since there are spoilers in my comments... BEHOLD, a spoiler space! (My color-coding should make the spoiler space look hilarious, but not reveal anything that would ruin the story. Brace yourselves. :awesome)

Spoiler

"mater" - matter

---

"repealing" - repelling

"Lucious" - Lucius

“Come on. I insist. Imperious.” - In a feat of double reverse stupidity, the author managed to perform the typical spellcasting fuck-up, only backwards and misspelled. He had Daphne attempt to cast the Imperius Curse using its name, 'Imperius', instead of its incantation, 'Imperio' (usually people invert this gaffe by referring to a spell by its incantation), except that he also misspelled it 'Imperious'.

If you don't see how sad this is, imagine trying to kill someone by pointing your wand at them and shouting, "Killing Curse!" Yeah...

And points off (on general principal) for using that tired old phrase, 'Pureblood Princess'. I was waiting for 'Ice Queen' to make an appearance. A nod in recognition of referring to her as a 'cold fish', which I don't think I've seen before; probably because it isn't even remotely complimentary, whereas 'Ice Queen' and 'Pureblood Princess' still imply class and beauty, despite the inherent bitchiness.

"Especially to a hot, young woman is a sexy little black dress." - in

"to" - two

"They look a bit crestfallen as I walk in to door." - I'd be crestfallen too, if the person destined to save the world not only walked into a door, but also spoke like a fucking moron.

"Gabriella" - Gabrielle (Where do people find this shit if it's not in the books?)

"Victor" - Viktor (ditto)

"touchy-feel" - touchy-feely (the latter is a reference to maudlin, emotional, get-in-touch-with-your-feelings type behavior, the former sounds like a date rape maneuver)

"You did the smart, responsible thing and protected Theo." - The boy was introduced to Harry as Ted mere minutes ago. Common nicknames aside, how does Harry even know that Ted is short for Theodore? Harry isn't short for anything in Harry Potter's case, so why would he make such an assumption?

To me, this smacks of Harry using meta-knowledge, just like he does later when he refers to Snape as the Half-Blood-Prince. He doesn't know this shit yet!

"repeal" - repel

"A drop or two at dinner and its lights out." - it's

"Decent" - Descent

"I loved the seductive but soy smile she threw me..." - Yes, vegetarians, you too can demand soy smiles in lieu of real ones. I'm not a vegetarian, and I prefer coy smiles.

"shinny" - shiny

"...sights from Riddles memories..." - Riddle's

"Sounded like a Fidelous, a Memory Charm and an Imperious Curse to me." - Congratulations, you fail it. Fidelius and Imperius, please.

"Apparition" - Apparation

"...being forces to give up the information." - forced

“The nargels told them to keep me.” - nargles

"I reach down to take the guards wand." - guard's

“Watch out for Slimy Dillwillys.” - In the future, I'd recommend sticking with Nargles, Snorkacks, and Wrackspurts. Warlocke's 1st Rule of Writing Luna Lovegood: If you can't make up crazy bullshit at least as well as JKR, then stick with the canon crazy bullshit. Anything else leaves you sounding silly. Granted, the slimy bit was a reference to Snape but... nope, still silly.

By the way, “Snivelous” = also wrong. Does anyone READ the books before writing stories based on them?

"...but then its only temporary..." - Congrats on finally using 'then' properly, too bad about the its/it's fuck-up.

"To get them to last longer then a few hours..." - Nevermind. In the very next sentence too, obviously getting the previous one right was a fluke.

"I think we both know who’s side you are really on.” - Not on the side that uses contractions properly or often enough. Does Harry have something against saying "you're" and "I'm"? For the record, "who's" should have been "whose".

"As the wand touched the ground, I reach out with my magic and pull Snape at me." - Okaaaay. First, this is why people shouldn't try to write in first person and certainly not in present tense; they can't keep it up. If it absolutely has to be in present tense, then 'touched' should be 'touches'. Also, 'at me' should really be 'towards me'.

"I use the Half-Blood Prince’s own signature spell to end his miserable life." - Uh, didn't Harry go to Azkaban before finding out who owned that textbook? Falling back on the mind-link excuse would be tacky, I doubt Voldemort knew or cared about that infantile 'Half-Blood Prince' ass-hattery, despite it being right up his 'anagrammed' alley.

"Waist high ripples roll out and rips through the Death Eater ranks." - Well, at least he didn't say 'waste high', still, 'rips' should be 'rip'.

"He actual nods at me with a hint of real respect." - That should be 'actually' (and I don't see this Voldemort doing any such thing).

"... a trio of Reductos..." - Yes, I am pedantic enough to point out that this should be 'Reductor Curses' instead of 'Reductos'. Verbing an incantation is sloppy.

Yes, it is conceivable that people might be tempted to do this in casual conversation, but it is equally as conceivable that casually speaking the incantation to a spell like that is considered taboo, or in bad taste, not unlike saying 'hijack' or 'it's da bomb' while on a plane. This is doubly relevant when you recall that Wizarding UK has been in a state of war for ages now, with only a ten year break.

Just once I'd like to see a story where some douche in a crowded room says, "He cast the Avada Kedavra-" and is cut off as the startled bystanders nuke the ever-loving shit out of him with stunners, body binds, and cutting curses, thinking he's trying to kill someone.

"...covering each others backs." - Possession is nine-tenths of the law, even grammatically. Try using an apostrophe next time.

"dog-father" - It burns us! Nasty fic-writers twisted it!

"Incendeo" - If you're going to use a spell's incantation instead of its name, at least spell that incantation properly; Incendio.

"...and stream was coming out of all of her orifices." - STEAM. I should know, Valve software regularly tries to cram it IN all of my orifices.

"Riddle casts the same golden shield he used at the Ministry " - Really? Golden? Are you sure it wasn't silver... like in the books.

"I don’t care a rat’s ass about..." - sounding competent? That's "I don't GIVE a rat's ass about..." Granted, giving a rat's ass doesn't make much sense, but it makes soooo much more than caring a rat's ass. Can you care an ass?

Incidentally, slack-jawed morons who say "I don't give a care!" hold a special place in my book of people who should lose the power of speech; not the right, the ability.

"From the look on his face, no one ever talked to him like that in years." - Which is it, 'ever' or 'in years', make a choice. Oh, and before you get too smug, Harry, the ten years he was floating around Albania don't count.

"Probably not since his early years at Hogwarts." - Nice fragment. The story body being made up of first person narration, is still no excuse for fragments, in my opinion, but then I already admitted to my pedantry.

"Stupid ass, talking when he should be fighting." - Harry, you douche, didn't you just finish speechifying at Voldemort, yourself? Everyone, I give you Harry the Hypocrite. Like so many in the Wizarding World, his favorite standard is the double one.

"I cut loose with a chain of spells that the mildest would be called grey." - I cut loose with a chain of spells, the mildest of which would be called grey.

Points for not 'cutting lose', though. That would be idiotic.

"I almost catch Tom but he gets a shield up that absorbs most of the energy." - Didn't he already have the shield (whose color shall not be named) from the Ministry up? It must suck if he's already abandoned it for another. Maybe next time he should lead with his best option.

"tor" - torn

"Deflected spells off his shields managed to kill..." - Spells deflected off his shields managed to kill...

"That was all I need." - Once again, abandoning present tense to fuck up a sentence.

"...their God of Lightning., the Celtic Thor." -as most women will tell you, it's embarrassing when your period leaks in the middle of something. I can tell you from experience, it's even embarrassing just to point it out to the unfortunate victim. Pointing this out to you; not so much.

"...rid of Dumbledore in necessary." - IF necessary.

"...a gangbangers new girlfriend..." - gangbanger's

"At signal to a watching guard, the cell door slid closed." - Sigh, by now it should suffice for me to say that this is not a sentence.

"The guard glanced at his partner and saw the man had similar thoughts that he did." - That isn't really one either.

"...with life sentences..." - How many? This would make more sense as "...with multiple life sentences..."

--

Rampant then/than confusion rears its ugly head YET AGAIN! Learn to fuckin' read, people! When you write something, look at it and ask yourself, "Does this make any god-damned sense?" If the answer is "No", then fix it.

A typo here, a simple mistake because you were tired or weren't paying attention there... I'll point those out but I won't condemn someone for them. Shit like this then/than nonsense, though, where it happens every few sentences is ridiculous. Fucking fix it! You too, Rorschach. 'Bringing the Funny' only makes up for so much.

Anyway, this was a decent enough story, with blessedly few clichés. Daphne was really nothing more than a token babe.

I see an opening for a sequel that's big enough to fly a dragon through (which is a good thing, though I'd recommend a beta who can spell their own name).

The dialog is composed of short, short sentences. Call it a minor niggle. Capitalization of random words happens a few times.

It could use some proofreading.

EDIT: Oh, and the Unspeakables as MI-6 (or whatever) is played out. They are researchers, geeks, and mad scientists, if you will, they are not secret agents.

 

Eh. Crap load of spelling errors, but I enjoyed it.

3.5/5

 

An Azkaban!Harry story that's actually worth reading?

LIES!!!

Now on to the actual review.

Pros:

Harry got convicted for something he really did. No stupid framings and two-dimensional idiots this time around.

Harry's manipulative nature rocked!

This Ron is pretty much spot on, not counting how he handled himself during Harry's trial. Ron is not likely to blame Harry for killing Death Eater scum.

Somewhat competent Death Eaters. I actually got the impression that this version could actually terrorise Wizarding Britain to the extent they did.

This take on the Fidelius was pretty well done.

The Harry/Daphne plot worked, both of them came out as real people during the scene.


Cons:

Wandless magic. Having the ability to cast Wanded Spells without the use of a focus has never been canon. It only fits into the Potter world when moderately well explained, which wasn't the case here unfortunately. Giving Harry this ability during his extended stay in Azkaban didn't help, either.

Downloading of LV's knowledge. Somehow I think that this couldn't happen the way it did when dealing with a Dark Lord who's a master of Mind Magics. The opposite would be much more likely to happen, with Voldemort gaining the complete Prophecy.

Incompetent!Dumbledore. His plans and plots here were extremely unlikely to succeed, given how liable Azkaban is to produce insanity in its inhabitants.


The standards of this genre aren't terribly high, so I think I'll go ahead and give it a 4.

 

I enjoyed it quite a bit. I may have found Hemione's character a little off, but this was a damn good Azkaban fic. I'm glad he actually did the crime that got him committed.

4/5 for me.

 

This is what I reviewed on FFN. As I said, I have BIG issues with his lack of characterization. Every character he writes feels paper thin.

 

I think you qualify - and pretty much volunteered - having read your post.

On topic: The "picking up supah powahs while in Azkaban, while wtfpwning Dementors" bit was gag-worthy, but after that it was at least entertaining.
3/5.

 

After you get used to this autors main faults( his gaping plotholes) and typos, the stories are always entertaining.

This one too was a good idea badly executed, with some overused cliches and a lot of typos. But in the end it cracked me up and held my interest long enough to read through it in one session so I'll give it a 3/5.

 

Hehe. I'd actually make a pretty crappy beta, depending on what an author was looking for.

I can point out when a person's spelling, grammar, etc. are wrong, and even pick up on some plot holes, but I am far too reluctant to tell them when their ideas stink (unless it's something that really pisses me off).

In that respect, I could beta a story and, in all likelihood, it would end up being the cleanest, best spelled piece of godawful tripe you've ever read.

 

Not really a one shot as the one chapter is fairly huge and has several "parts" to it which are essentially chapters.


Other than that, I loved this fic. Seeing a true Hermione was worth it. And I can't believe that no one has though of Hermione/Percy (at least I haven't found it). Harry was right those two are perfect for each other. Both authority suck ups and convinced of their own superiority.


4/5



Edit @ Warlocke...So essentially your Microsoft Word? Part of being a beta is taking the authors ideas and letting them know which ones suck. Respectfully of course.

 

This fic was quite enjoyable. I won't repeat all the things that have been said above, I'll just give this 4/5

 

I must be honest, the story is riddled with spelling mistakes, is a one shot, has an incompetent Dumbledore, Uber Harry not explained well enough, Hermione's Betrayal for no obvious reason, and probably other things I can't think of.

But there is one thing that makes up for it all. Its a damn good read. The spelling Errors I didn't notice until I read the reviews, the Hermione Betrayal stuff is pushed to the background. The Plot is well done and avoids some of the more seriously overdone Azkaban plots, its actually complete, and it reads and flows well. I didn't notice anything wrong with it.

4.5/5 Its good, but even the way the story flows cannot make the errors completely excusable.

 

Nothing much to add that hasn't been said before.

There are a number of uninspired cliches you just kind of have to accept at the start of the fic (wandless magic, downloading Voldemort's knowledge, manip "Dumbles") but once you get past those it's a very enjoyable read. From DobbyElfLord I'd expect nothing less.

Not ground-breakingly original but a Harry reacting in the way I wish he did more often. An Azkaban story without the whining rants, angst, or preachy themes of forgiveness. I even liked this Ron which doesn't happen that often.

It's missing the greatness or brilliance of a 5/5 but definitely a solid 4/5 and worth a spot in the library.

 

I enjoyed it, as for the grammar and spelling, I've read a shitload of fics, you tend to overlook things like that and not even realize it. I didn't see any that make you sit back and go HUH?
I'd give it a 3.5/5