Only error that stood out and disrupted the story for me:

You need a 'from' between him and sending.

 

I basically only looked for conventions, so someone else should probably pick some stuff out too.

Drop the his.

You should probably drop all the commas I have in red, as well as the hyphen and so.

Drop the apostrophe.

You probably meant to put an "as" before the highlighted "a."

Things should be thing.

Should be somebody's.

Should be person's.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

Ok, so you have something important hidden in that "Head, Heart, Stomach" thing, and it's probably relevant to the plot, but I just can't get my mind around what was that Harry and Meciel sensed.

 

It should be 'words'.

This entire sentence seemed wrong. You might want to change it into something like - Harry finally sprung into action. He spun around, his left hand coming up and weaving invisible defensive magic to block any attack, his right hand slamming forward, intent on driving into the face of...Amanda?

Err.. I only caught these two, sorry.

What has me interested though, is what Meciel and Harry found interesting in the whole head, heart and gut thing.

And I'm surprised Harry didn't make a pass when Amanda brought his hand to her heart...

 

at

words

can't/shouldn't, my guess would be can't

Green - needs to be added
Red - removed

He wasn't called 'a codger' in previous scenes.

It's fantastic to see another update so soon, already can't wait for more.

It will be great to compare Harry to someone from HP-verse now. In MoM battle, Harry had no problem with Bellatrix, but, according to canon, neither did canon!Sirius. Now, after six months of weekly lessons with Dumbledore, is Harry on equal level with Riddle? Even if not, I'm curious how will Words work against wizarding magic.

I do hope for answers and updates soon.

 

Strange should be stranger.

Lent should be leaned.

 

Nothing really jumped out on me, but I do think that Amanda's characterization seems a bit off from before, but it's nothing that can't be explained by, like she said, Harry's influence on her, or her growing up. I'm also interested in what significance the head, heart, stomach thing have. Harry pretending there was a baby was pretty amusing. All in all, it was an enjoyable read, but mostly a set up chapter I think. Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

As usual, an awesome update. Here are my grammar checks for the first 4 MS Word pages of the section. I need to go eat, but I'll try to finish it off later.

I just skipped the first paragraph, since I wasn't sure exactly which sentences you were referring to in the AN.

There should be a comma after "opinion," because it is followed by a sentence. There is nothing wrong with "older," although the age difference between Harry and Dumbledore makes the comparative seem inadequate; I feel that "old" would be better. Since you used "quietly" in the first sentence of this paragraph, it's redundant to repeat it again here. Finally, there should be a comma after that last "quietly."

For the phrase that begins with "hissing," I recommend something more along the lines of "hissing with the type of anger that only appeared with pain that demanded the destruction of anything or anyone nearby." To me, it flows better.

The "That said," doesn't fit, because grimness and fatigue are not opposites. You can just take it out, and the paragraph would still be fine.

The phrase starting with "Not" is OK as a phrase, but my personal opinion is that it is better connected to the previous thought. The final "then" is unnecessary and seems to bloat Dumbledore's speech. There should be a comma after "Lord Voldemort," though.

Not a serious error at all. Seriously.

Where are these book titles? You later mention that they are on Dumbledore's bookcase (obliquely, by stating that Meciel strolled from there), but I think you need to mention it here too.

Repeating "the titles," sounds awkward. I would either replace it with "them," or just leave it out.

This is not a grammatical error, but it seems unnecessary (obviously, weaknesses are to be exploited). Perhaps you can replace it with something like "in his line of work" or just remove it altogether.

Make sure to remove that possessive apostrophe. The additions "and" and "were" are not technically needed, but again I find that the logic flows better with them.

I'm not really sure exactly what punctuation is appropriate between "receiving" and "the." More importantly, however, is that this section is a tad confusing. Harry was sure that Dumbledore told all of the portraits even though one loose tongue could spell his end? Sure, one could make the case that the Headmasters will keep their mouths shut, but Dumbledore does not trust them completely, since he makes them leave later.

I would remove the "after all" since you use it again in the very next sentence. The current sentence is fine without it.

Try the new arrangement of pronoun and noun. I think it is clearer, but it's up to you.

IIRC, names ending in "s" still need an apostrophe followed by a "s" in the possessive. According to Strunk and White, only certain old names, such as "Isis," do not follow this rule. One could make the case that Fawkes, being a Summer Fae, falls under this exception, but that has not been established.

I cut off the sentence midway because it was becoming too long. I switched the "if" with "had ... been." It's a little less wordy. Switch it back if you don't like it.

The details slip my mind, but had Harry already wondered or figured Fawkes had a hand in Amaris staying with him? Did he conclude earlier that Amaris's time with him was due to a bargain by the Summer Fae?

The comma is needed here, but the question I wanted to ask was: "Could Fawkes care if she was as inhuman as you described a few sentences ago?"

Before you referred to Fawkes as a "she," so it must be "herself" instead of "itself."

"somebodies" just sounds awkward. Some other possibilities include "There was nothing like that particular sentence to focus one's mind." Or more specifically, referring to Harry himself, "There was nothing like that particular sentence to focus his mind."

The "Even" is completely optional, but a possibility.

I added this, because it seems fitting for Dumbledore to have some wit, but it's optional.

The last correction you can ignore if you want Harry to speak with incorrect grammar.

Minor, but I inserted a comma here to maintain parallel structure. Note that this is where you mentioned the bookcase that held the book titles.

I'm a big proponent of the serial comma. The last one, in particular, should be added because it makes the sentence easier to read (each item in the list is fairly long).

Nothing wrong here that I can tell. This is just an amazing line.

 

Loved this part of the chapter, especially when Dumbledore asked Harry to assassinate Lucius. Then, Harry's overjoyed reaction was perfect for Harry character. Also the hand, heart, and stomach thing must be pretty serious if Harry didn't make any of his usual comments.

But overall, great part of the chapter and great teaser for the your next update.

 

Hmm, im currently reading the latest chapter of DL in the WBA, but I just wanna make a quick comment about Harry's sudden attachment to Amaris being slightly... unrealistic.

Like, he had never really shown any type of caring towards her before, but suddenly she is so important to him? Even if it is like that, at least some reason might be a good idea? Some sort of explanation etc etc.

I'll add any other thoughts on with edits, if I come across them.

Thought: OMG AMANDA YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Yeah, I am a fanboy. :/

 

By the end of DK he was showing affection such as when he kissed her on the head.

I would say he never really realized how attached he had become till he saw her there and realized just how much he missed her.

 

I know, I'm sigging it.

 

I got an Al Mualim vibe from Dubledore in that scene. Maybe too much Assassin's Creed.

"He is a detriment to our cause."
"Give me names and I will give you blood."



This fic just keeps getting better and better.

 

Yo!

Awesome as usual ^^
Love the thing with head, heart and stomach^^ sounds like Harry's usual holy sword decease to me lol has he found someone to give the sword to, I wonder...

Looking forward to the next chapter.
//Zosa

 

Now, this is random... Although I have to admit, that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 

I realize it's fiction, but Harry's "excuse" for using torture as an interrogative method was such BS I lol'ed. Of course, that might be interpreted in a different way I'm inclined to - Harry just wants to torture. He just rationalizes it after the fact, but bottom-line, if he gets a chance to torture someone, he'll do it. That said, it makes pretty much zero sense to me why Dumbledore would condone it. The guy's 120+ years old and one of the most brilliant wizarding minds of all time. Surely, he knows that tried-and-true interrogative methods work, and if anyone has to coerce anything, then all you need is Legilimency + Veritaserum.

An Imperius cast by Harry, as a last resort, would probably the final coercive method possible. But, torture is entirely unnecessary here. Harry recognizes that Legilimency and Veritaserum can be resisted. Then, he realizes that torture can also be resisted and that torture isn't exactly a reliable conduit of information? His entire BS excuse consists of "Well, Legilimency + Veritaserum + Imperius" can be resisted. Well, WTF, so can torture, not to mention that it is vastly more unreliable than tried-and-true interrogative methods. Then, there's that whole part where apparently Harry is super-observant of idiosyncrasies that generally entail deception as well as apparently having access to Tonk's brain states. Then, obviously, he doesn't even need to bother with torture since he can combine tried-and-true interrogative methods or if necessary reliable coercive methods (Legilimency + Veritaserum or even the Imperius) rather than actually resorting to torture.

This just seems remarkably stupid and out of character for Dumbledore to condone this. I don't buy it. Assassination/passive neutralization, I can understand where Dumbledore's coming from. Torture - nope.

 

It's not only about information, it's also about setting an example.
Also, Legilimency questioning would require Dumbledore to do this, to be certain of it's effects, and we all know he doesn't like to dirty his hands.
Now that I thought of it, AD shows unnatural tendency to only see the best of everybody. He left Harry with his relatives because he wouldn't even think they could harm him. In canon he let Snape mind-rape Harry because he didn't think that Snape, one of 'good guys', would do what he did. As for Harry in this fic, AD probably sees a lost child, who, even after years of heavy influence of a Fallen Angel, still hasn't hurt an innocent, and even helped a helpless kid christmas before, so he let him interrogate said man. He did exactly the same thing in canon about Malfoy in HBP.
On another thought, Imperiusing a human = life in Azkaban. I'd think torturing using conventional methods won't be as heavily punished.

 

Then Harry is an idiot. And so is Dumbledore for allowing this. But, we knew that already.

The primary purpose of interrogation is to obtain information. It's not as if Harry had any personal prerogative to torture the person he captured i.e. it's not as if he slaughtered his entire family or abused or anything else that distinguishes him above any other scumbag in Harry's eyes. So, there would be no point for Harry to "set an example." [Sidenote: If that's what it really is all about, it just proves all the more that Harry is a sadist and evil. He may be an evil person with some redeeming characteristics, but most evil people have redeeming characteristics. That doesn't make them any else evil.]

Anyway, as I explained earlier, Harry is stupid for employing torture as an interrogative method. And so is Dumbledore for going along with this. There is also no point in setting an example, for either Harry or Dumbledore. Honestly, I'm finding Snape more likeable than Harry at this point, which says a lot I think.

He's already ordered and condoned and set up and facilitated torture and assassination. So much for "not dirty[ing] his hands." In any case, even if we suspend belief by OVER 9000!!!!, he could use Snape, who has no problem using Legilimency, is very good at it, and is also Dumbledore's go-to guy, for far longer than Harry. Even if we suspend disbelief more, he could have Veritaserum sent over. Or Harry could even use the Imperius if necessary.

Nothing Harry or Dumbledore has done with respect to interrogation so far is either rational or moral. I suppose we have to consider Tonk's idiocy, herd-mentality, and lack of courage here: her idiocy with respect to condoning a terrible interrogative method in the first place, her herd-mentality for following Dumbledore wherever he goes - even into evil and idiocy, and her lack of courage in not standing up to either Harry or Dumbledore.

I also don't think Dumbledore's latest move with the assassination of Malfoy is particularly intelligent or moral or necessary either.

That very slightly makes sense for canon-Dumbledore, but the whole point of Shezza's Dumbledore in "Denarian Lord" is that he is, according to Harry, hardening up for the war as he did in the past and getting smarter and doing what needs to be done. What makes all this development fall on its face is that he is not getting smarter, he's just acting idiotic and he's not doing what needs to be done. Instead, he's undermining the war effort both in terms of actual raw intelligence collected and in political terms by condoning torture. So, if anything, this particular flaw of Dumbledore doesn't remotely excuse or explain Dumbledore's actions in "Denarian Lord." Sadly, the plausible explanation is that Dumbledore is stupid, perhaps due to senility. Strong words perhaps? Maybe not after you look at Harry's BS excuse for torture as interrogative method.

Harry regularly uses all three Unforgivables. I strongly doubt he gives a damn about using the Imperius.

 

1. This is Harry, raised by a angel fallen from grace who hates heaven and god with all her being, of course his morals wont be the same as yours. He wasnt raised with the morals others would have. He was raised in a dog eat dog world where theres always been someone bigger and badder that wouldnt hesitate for a second.

After being forced into Hogwarts however, Harry has begun to change slowly but surely.

2. War is rarely rational or moral. If the world was completely rational and moral why in the hell are their fallen angels and wars.

 

I'm not going to disagree or agree with you on the issue of the torture, but when it comes to the assasination of Malfoy. It seems very much expedient to the war effort. Without the full support of the government it'll become detrimental to the war effort and with out removing Malfoy's influence that seems a distinct possibility.