Good chapter. The way you write Bellatrix was really good, her loyalties, her insanity. I don't really feel any sympathy for Tonks, though I was hoping Harry would get a shot at her. Bellatrix will more than likely give her an abject lesson pain.

Glad Harry's going to get some duel practise in, but is he going to excel at anything? Or will this be a long time coming, before he will become more than an average wizard?

More soon!

 

There are only two problems that I see with this chapter:

The first is that I find it somewhat unrealistic that Tonks wouldn't have thought beforehand that someone in her family - especially when she knows Bellatrix is alive and mad enough to do the insane - would put a blood-curse on her.

The second is that your story is becoming too congested. It's falling into the hole that your other fic currently is in (although it's still very good) - which is that there's way too much training of Harry and no actual parts where he uses the training, fights, and deals with political manuevering - especially after nearly 200K of words in the other fic. You ought to cut down on it, since if I remember correctly Harry has only been at Larch's house for less than a month while several dozen K of words have passed. Speed the fic up. Write as if the same pace of time passes in the first several chapters, where Larch didn't exist.

Nevertheless, I love this fic. It fulfills an aching hole in fanfiction that I've never seen done right. And it's very well written.

As a reader, I find that the parts involving the factional conflict in the wizarding world are the most interesting parts. I also loved it when Harry was out there alone and adapting to the world himself - I hope that you will be able to make him like that pretty soon again. Personally, I'd like it if you minimize the romance here - it's unnecessary and ultimately conflicts with any Independent!Harry, especially the one that you've written (who's free and has no existing obligations). This might be somewhat defused since, if I can forsee the future correctly, Su Li will play a major part of the plot.

I'd say that DreamRed is one of the best writers out here currently active.

4.75/5

 

Yeah, you hit that spot on. I have a real problem introducing proper action into any of my fics, which means that they end up just a lot of Harry not really doing much. I'm trying to remedy that, but I find writing action bloody hard, and nearly always the duels come out sounding stilted and awkward, bringing the chapter down. I'll go back and have another shot at it though.

The story won't be romance based at all - I'm just manoeuvring Su Li into a position where she and Harry can have their brief fling and she can teach him cool magics. None of that heartfelt love crap .

And, eh, that's quite some praise. But really there are a great number of better authors out there. Anyway, glad you're enjoying it.

He will eventually become good, mainly in Transfiguration and the Dark Arts, but I'm struggling to find a way to make him speed up with his learning without it just sounding like I'm injecting a plot device. So, any ideas other than cool memory potions, ancestral skills that only make themselves apparent at 16, and the Mystical Rock of Knowledge will be really welcome.

 

I am just having a hard time reading it lately. It isnt easy to read. On a scale of difficultly to read this fic is probably a 7. With Don Quixote being a 10 and Little Red Riding hood being a 1. I couldnt make it through the 6th chapter.

 

Just finished with chapters seven and eight. As always a very good and engrossing read, its rare these days to get into a fanfic.

I am concerned with the pace of all the elements you are introducing. That is, there is a progression of introducing an element, developing it and then connecting it with other elements in the story, I feel you have several at introduction and development stages but the interconnection on all the elements is missing - for now.

I understand that the story is only seven chapters in, and I haven't looked at the word count, but this may be just a heads up to start showing Harry interacting or connecting in some non-peripheral way with the factions, events and characters you have introduced.

That said the side stories are very interesting which shows me that the breadth of this fic is much greater than something just Harry-centric.

Bella's characterization~ Yes, you got the deranged, fanatically loyal death eater bit down, along with her getting her rocks off on pain bit...but I personally have found that kind of characterization more psychotic than evil/dark.

It probably is because I have seen it done that way numerous times and have become desensitized to hot mental chick getting off on pain and alternating bouts of submission and domination.

That said, characterization is definitely a strong point of your writing. So if you went against the grain and twisted the depth of her character a bit more I would like to see it.

Personal request: Kill Creevey, even the mention of the kid in chapter 7/8 irritated me.

 

Dranco - uh, yeah. The writing style is a bit dense and convoluted, and the difference from canon doesn't really help that. I'll go back through the coming chapters and unwind them a little.

nuhuh - Thanks for the good crit, as always. I'll try move the plot on and mix Harry in more instead of just having him sit around on his arse and doing not much like he is now. I'm glad you're enjoying it. And no worries, Creevey will definitely die, but he's a bit of a pawn to move things along at the moment, so you'll have to bear with him until he gets his come-uppance. I'll try and make his death a good one.

 

I stumbled upon this story while searching through all the garbage on FFN and found it to be a very interesting story, and noticed that it had been updated a few days ago.

I like the fact that most of the characters have flaws that make them seem more realistic. The setting is a well thought out piece of work. I like how there are four sides to the war, instead of the usual three, and the possibilty that Harry will add a fifth side. The plot seems to be getting more and more complicated, which is a good thing as long as you can keep up with it. Overall I give the story a 4/5.

 

Idea- 5 / 5 Writing 4 / 5 Ship 0/5 !!!!

I don't like most of the OC's. But for the first half of the fic was excellent- before they were dominating the story.

Mac.

 

Plots good, but I agree.

You need to focus this thing more. You're jumping around too much between, Tonks, Hermione, Voldemort, Su, and then Harry.

Its too many people, and none are being done justice. Shorten their segments if their parts are necessary. The ideas are interesting and there's nothing particularly off, it just feels like its all over the map. Simplify.

Also, not everyone has to be "sympathetic," or "unsmpathetic," I'd say just make everyone authentic. They don't have to be perfect, but that doesn't mean they are inherently heartless either. Its not an A or B situation.

 

It hath been updated. Started to read the new chapter, then realized I had no recollection of what had occurred before. Whoops. Back the to start for me.

 

I'd given up on this one, for sure. After skimming through earlier chapters to get my bearings, I was able to enjoy the update. Solid writing, and necessary filler material, but nothing really groundbreaking happens.

Something I hadn't seen in a fic before was the stance the author took with Harry's admittedly weak attempts to learn Occlumency with Snape during OotP. And Harry is beginning to mature nicely, which should be fun to watch. Overall, a nice trip back into what I'd given up for an abandoned fic. It'll be fun to see how changes to a certain Death Eater will affect the plot, too.

 

Your fic reminds me of Shezza's set-in-the-future fic which I can't remember right now. It has the same realistic feeling of a war that has been drawn out, for far too long and a pseudo-peace has settled in.

Vastly intruiging, the only thing that worries me is the update rate. Seeing as only 9, fairly lengthy, chapters have been posted in only 2 and a bit years. Moar is required.

 

There's three chapters left kicking around on the author's hard drive. It's not going to be completed, but he's going to post what he has left.

 

This is fucking great. I am a little worried about Harry--the Author's Note said that Harry was going to become an asshole later on, and I like assholes, but he has to be an asshole I can identify with. If he just becomes a "fuck the world" asshole, I could end up pretty bored. As long as Harry's motivations stay interesting, I'll be very happy. Also, Harry/Su? Pretty fucking weird. He's sixteen and she's 29? I am curious, but given how much she hates everyone, I am not too curious.