Title: Riddle the Ripper
Author: Pensieve Plotter
Rating: M
Genre: Crime/Horror
DLP Category: Undetermined
Pairing: Riddle/OFC
Status: Complete
Summary: Mr. Riddle slinks through Knockturn Alley looking for the perfect victim, waiting for his opportunity to control death by taking the life of a prostitute. Takes place when Voldemort worked at Borgin and Burkes in 1947 when he was 20. Sorry, for the short summary, but this is a very short story. You'll have to read more to find out.


No worries: The OFC or "other female character" is no Mary-Sue.

I would say my writing is mediocre at worst in this fic. Keep in mind, this is a completed, short story. It's not supposed to have a grand plot, and in order to appreciate it you must already think of Riddle as motivated by nothing more than the pleasure of killing another. He appears less complicated of a character here. I hope someone likes this!


Link:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3446679/1/Riddle_the_Ripper

 

Unlikely.

1.5/5

Better than the last one at least.

 

It probably is unlikely anyone would like this story. It does paint Riddle as extremely cruel and basically pure evil. Which, even I admit is not that appealing.

I still think you might be biased in your rating. You're probably just basing it off the fact you didn't like it. I think for the writing it should get at least 2/5.

Well, I love this story personally. But I don't think it's perfectly ready. I have a right to say what I would give it, even if it's my own work. I give it 4/5. It's not supposed to be an ambitious plot.

 

PensievePlotter~

I've had a rough day, and for some reason that has left me feeling charitable instead of feeling like a bastard. So I'll ask you this, have you lurked on this forum much? The reviews here can be crude and honest. But when you put something of yours in For Review, you do so knowing that this is throwing yourself to the wolves.

That is just how it works here. If you're looking for reviews, you will get them. They will be not nice like FF but they will be honest. So learn to take the rough attitude.

Now if you're looking for help. Post in WBA. Or if you just want to share a story without going through the crucible of For Review post it in WBA as well.

The assumption when you post in WBA is that you're humble and willing to take a helping hand. As a consequence comments there are much more toned down.

When you post here, the assumption is that you think you're the shit, and we then proceed to tell you just how much you're not.

Of course, some really are very good and then we begrudgingly let them in the library.

tl;dr post nutshell: Lurk more. Grow a thick skin. Be sure what you offer here of your own is flawless or else use WBA. And by God, don' rate your own story.

 

Thanks, I guess I had a rough day as well. I got a feel for this place with my last thread on my story, "The Coup." Unlike many people, I was not scared away by the criticism and stuff. With my last experience as well, I take what is said here with a dose of humour and anything that could bother me, I let just roll of my shoulders! And then finally, if it's sensible, I might think on changing something. I do have a thick skin.

I will take into account the WBA. I will start posting there. But this story is finished, and I do think it's awesome. So, I'm not afraid to have placed it here.

 

I hate to say it, but I found this piece less awesome than you. Rather, I found it somewhat boring. I understand you were after shock value with the sexual violence, murder, and subsequent normality, but to me it fell flat.

Pieces like this work best when there's emotional investment on the part of the reader in the victim (at least) or perpetrator (at best). They work when we feel what they feel: existential terror or lascivious joy, we should care enough to be sickened and a bit excited (and even sickened that we're excited), not shake our heads and shrug at the sick fuck doing what sick fucks do. (In this case, playing with his prostitute doll).

If you try another piece like this, I suggest you humanize Tom first, then twist him. It'll be more powerful that way.

That was story critique; now a few comments on style:

It's actually not as bad as your other piece, but it still has some of the "trying too hard," cluttered feel. Let's work on your opening paragraph.

"street" in the first sentence is redundant, since you identify Knockturn Alley immediately afterward. "Footsteps echoing" is more appropriate for an empty street; it doesn't work for a busy one. The sentence about being alone is a bit odd, but could work if you make a theme out of his solitude; you'd have to come back to this motif at least once more (perhaps in the last paragraph, to bookend the story). The dead leaves are not a bad visual/olfactory--keep them. A full moon is a crowded metaphor, evoking a lot of things (fertility, lunacy, Werewolves, silver, glow, mercury, Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream), not all of which you are after. In this case, I think making the moon a sharp sickle, low in the sky and (blood) red, might be better, not to mention foreshadowing of the violence to come. "imperiously" is redundant and unnecessary. When I finish a piece, I go through and remove 3/4 of my adverbs. If you do the same, I think you'll find your story reading better.

Good luck with your next piece.

 

1/5 The writing is not horrible per se, but the over hyped dramatics and retarded story line drag it down. Just as with your other fic you need to fucking stop with being so overly dramatic. Cut back on descriptions unless essential to the plot. So that means no describing what a random passerby was wearing and such.

 

I read the first chapter.

The plot(?) isn't good and the writing isn't good. You mess up the tenses(present, past confused) and you use words incorrectly. I also don't like the name. And its jarring. Like this. Stop-start isn't much fun to read.

Sorry: 1/5.

 

You do realize that how we rate things expresses how we liked them, don't you?

No. Authors don't get to review their own stories. It's pointless.


As for the story itself, it's pathetic. I read first chapter, if an 800 word scene deserves that title, and couldn't force myself to read a word more.

There were no retarded typos and grammar errors, but don't think writing was anywhere near good.

I'd like to know how you do that (tell exact information vaguely)

I take it back. This is retarded. And you mixed tenses.

Plot, as you wrote yourself, isn't ambitious, so nothing gained from this.

My rating was 1.5/5, rounded to 2. This story doesn't deserve place in the Library. Even Recycling Bin is too high for this one.

 

I’ll comment specifically on the writing in the first chapter, because by the end of it, it didn’t generate enough interest for me to continue reading.

The beginning had no hook, and the flowery language, coupled with too much “telling” instead of “showing,” created an inconsistent mood.

The paragraphs also had far too many choppy sentences, with little meaning, that disrupted the flow of the entire chapter. Using more complex sentences, colons, and semi-colons would drastically improve the flow and make the chapter more…readable.

As far as rating goes, 1/5 actually seems fair for this first chapter. Admittedly, I couldn’t spot any significant spelling errors, but the inconsistency and the disrupted flow ruined the piece for me.

This…annoyed me. Instead of telling us how we should view Riddle, why not write his characterization in the story in a way that we would perceive that aspect of his personality?<O</O
</O

 

1/5. I was thinking of formulating a large, offensively critical piece but I'd rather watch the Australian Open.

Summarized points:

- Don't flatter yourself in your writing. Most (if not all) good authors are always somewhat put off by their old works. You have to be able to see your work as bad, accepting that sordid fact, and work to improve. Attempting to self-validate a critical rating is just manufacturing an illusion that will be detrimental to any improvement.

- Mind tense changes.

- Reference some definition of words that you're using. People don't "quip" spells.

- Consider replaying the story back to yourself and reaffirming realism. I'm sure that when I orgasm I don't shout, triumphantly, "Avada Kedavra!" Cool breath doesn't caress the ears.

- Work on description. Quite often you use superflous wording, or in other cases lack a more elevated description where it's possible. As said before, use less jarring text, compounding sentences and elevating purpose.

- As Perspicacity aptly put: we should be at least somewhat interested, sickeningly excited, and entertained. Shaking our head at the stupidity and, quite frankly, uninteresting sexual habits of Riddle, is hardly becoming of a story.

- Make it more interesting. The story was completely dragging, with little - if any - factors that drew the reader in. A twist, in character or plot, makes it more interesting than reading the poorly construed attempt at smut, followed by necrophilia that didn't even serve a purpose.

- Purpose. Plot. Use whatever synonym you want. Get one. I don't care that you used this piece to fulfill some missing gap in your own interpretation of a character - use a plot to do it.

And on a complete side note: that bubbly "I don't care if you guys are mean!" is vastly cliche. Take the advice, don't use high-school techniques of avoiding depression.

 

While much better than "The Coup," "Riddle the Ripper" is not a good work of fanfiction. It appears to me that you had someone beta the first two chapters, and whoever served as your beta did a good job of helping you keep your mistakes to a minimum. The latter three chapters, on the other hand, are obviously unbetaed.

Among the grammar errors noted:

Many comma splices; many misspelled words; many misused words; run-on sentences; superfluous and unneeded parenthetical clauses; singular/plural inconsistencies; spacing problems; sentence fragments; misused punctuation marks within quotes; unused punctuation.

Among the examples of poor writing (non-grammar error edition) noted:

You love adverbs too much; adverbs are evil.
Redundancies and repetitions; e.g., cavernous cave.

I'll give you 2 stars for Chapter 1, 2 stars for Chapter 2 (it's shorter and could have been merged with another chapter but I feel generous), and 1 star for Chapters 3-5 for a total average of 1.4 stars-- rounding down to 1 star.

 

WHAT IS THIS SHIT!? I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO WRITE SEXMURDERVIOLENCE ON THIS FORUM.

To be fair, this was just plain boring. Go read the first three chapters of Lust of a Dark Soul to find out how to do it right. BUT IF YOU READ FARTHER, I WILL CUT YOU!

 

I have a feeling you need to learn by example. So I'll post up a few good short stories that I hope will show you what we think is good enough:

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=9614&highlight=oneshot

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=4005&highlight=oneshot

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=1720&highlight=oneshot

Here's one I have a feeling you would enjoy greatly, especially considering the type of stories you write:

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=4329&highlight=oneshot

My personal favorite, though not necessarily the best:

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=2650&highlight=oneshot

 

You have the right approach on the most basic level, making Riddle evil and not trying to make excuses for him.

That said, the verbosity belongs to someone you doesn't get lost in the clauses.

Come on now.

The third chapter fell flat and was tasteless. The smut, the gore, the imagery.

This story is five chapters long, this story is complete. Another five minutes and I imagine I'd have finished it. I have gone through a hundred thousand words when a fic is finished regardless of quality. Not this time though.

I was half expecting him to charge her for the privilege of sleeping with him.

1/5. I'll rate this a 2/5 for the galleons comment.

 

Just like to say for the record, i had no beta for any chapter of this. I have never had a beta for anything I've written, which is my mistake.

The first two chapters were actually edited many times by me. I edited them, really.

 

I'll say this for this thread: while my comments fell on deaf ears, I at least got reminded of some outstanding one-shots. It's been ages since I'd last read Twisted Roses. Thanks, Amerision.

 

Thanks for all the advice in your prior posts. I'm tired now, but I am going to study the writing styles of some of those stories.

 

Interestingly, the thing that put me off the most is the following quote.

I thought you said this was wizarding Britain in 1945? I suggest if you're going to write a period, in a country I assume is not your own, that you do a little research first.

What's more, by reviewing your own fic, you pretty much garunteed that everyone was going to hate it.

Despite that, it's alright. Not something that's paticularly appealing to me and well written enough for me to continue reading despite my lack of interest.

Word of advice, if you're going to write the darker sides of Riddle's character, or the darker sides of the HP world, then work on the atmosphere and characterization before anything else; your characters don't act the part.

 

Honestly. It was boring, to long really. What you wanted to get across could have been done in one chapter. I read the first two, skimmed the third and then just stopped as the girl was dead I couldn't see the point of reading any more. With five chapters I kinda assumed she would get away and he follows her, now Stalker!Tom might have been more interesting. Likewise evil is best when its subtle. Voldemort making a macabre mess of everything isn't very evil, just over the top. If I may suggest, instead of just cursing her he should hold her hand and tell her everything will be alright as he slits her throat. There's the type of disturbing evil that makes a good read. So all in all 2/5, not horrible but there's much better stuff.