Title: The Biggest Hoax
Author: a-thousand-years
Rating: T
Genre: General/Drama
DLP Category: Dark Arts
Pairing: N/A
Status: WIP
Summary: Harry Potter has pulled the wool over the entire Wizarding World's eyes. Who is Harry Potter really? Is he the trusting soldier molded by Dumbledore? Or is he the Dark Lord's long kept secret?

Link: [ff.net - here]

This is a new story that I started a few weeks ago. I'm getting mixed reviews on ff.net, so hopefully I'll get new insight from the reviews given here.

 

Not bad. Not bad at all. Harry's a bit OOC though.

 

Post another 10-15k words and I'll make a real judgment, but it's a decent enough start. Too short to really tell though.

 

Yeah, it would help to see the plot progress a bit further to really tell, but as for the basics-- You've got a exceptional sense of dialogue flow (at least compared to the vast majority of fanfiction). Harry's level of maturity is a little troubling for me, especially in the first chapter, but if you replaced age 7 with like age 12 (not that I'm suggesting you do) it's really quite well done.

Chapter three is quite a roller coaster ride, and I'm not sure how i feel about Voldemort revealing himself so early to Harry. I do like how you try to shine a light on voldemort's motives--keep that up and you'll have a really interesting character there.

All in all, I like your style, and your dialogue is great. I like the concept, as well--the only thing I'd say is that while Voldemort is pretty great and consistent, Harry's character is not very solid. It fluctuates a little too much. If you can nail this down, get a better grasp of the way a little kid's mind works maybe, and nail out the dynamic between the two characters, I think you might really have something special.

Keep it up, sis! I'll come back for a numerical review after I've seen a bit more.

 

I read all 3 chapters and all I can say is meh.

Harry is way too mature, as characterization of a seven year old the story is a giant fail.

For a fic with 10k words list of plot holes is huge. Voldemort introducing himself with his real name, Sirius Black being supposedly all over the news, Harry knowing what a phoenix is (this is really stupid considering how Dursleys reacted to anything not normal), Voldemort doing things for greater good (both action and usage of the phrase), and I'm pretty sure I didn't list them all. And all that in only 10 000 words.

I don't think that this fic belongs to The Library, idea is good, but execution is very poor with exception of passable grammar and spelling.

I would rate it 2/5 but it's too short and still can be redeemed. Maybe. By rewriting it almost completely.

I suggest posting this in WbA, where you can actually receive constructive criticism, instead of For Review, where you post stories you think are DLP-worthy. Uh, and make chapters a bit longer, 3k is okay for one scene, not whole chapter.

 

The story is good and engaging. Lord Voldemort is shown as a capable entity, which bodes well for the story. Let's hope you keep Dumbledore also capable. One small question - you may need to explain how the Voldemort possessed man was able to cross Privet Drive's wards. After all, those wards were tailored specifically against Voldemort.

A very good beginning. I will keep an eye on this. No rating yet, though. It is too early for a rating.

 

The wards were tailored against people wishing Harry harm. Voldemort was already presumed dead when the wards were created.

And in this fic, Voldemort may not wish Harry harm, or his intent is not high enough currently to register.

 

The only ward in HP is the Closed one Harry visits to see Arthur after he gets owned.

 

A tentative 4/5 at the moment.

I'm not sure about characterisation of little kids. I considered myself very mature at that time, even if I probably wasn't. This should leak through the narrative, I think.

I also have a small issue with how HP knew about Black and Phoenixes, this is not the Harry who spends his time in the Library and reads Vernon's newspapers.

Will throw out final judgement after a few chapters.

 

I like this as well. I'd give it a 4/5 at the present moment.

 

Well I figured the younger he is, the easier it is to manipulate him.

=/ I couldn't really introduce him as Lord Voldemort, and giving him another name other than Mr. Atherton would have been confusing. And since Harry and Voldemort will have a unique relationship anyway, I don't see a problem with letting Harry know his Muggle name.

Can't refute the plot hole with the Phoenix or Sirius though. And a lot of other people agree with you. Perhaps that should be edited out?

Can I do that? Just delete this post and repost on Work by Author?

And I guess, reading back now, Harry does seem overly mature. Even more mature than normal mature eight-year-olds. But I can't see Voldemort talking to Harry like a kid, and Harry talking to Voldemort like a kid. It's hard to find that balance :[

 

According to what we know, Voldemort is ashamed of his real half-blood status and because of that he hates his given name with passion. He thinks he is exceptional, so he would never use such a mundane name. Besides, is it hard for such a dark character to lie? Because if he was completely truthful with Harry then your Voldemort was doing things for greater good and that's very OOC for him.

Muggle world didn't know Sirius Black existed until his escape from Azkaban, which in canon happened when Harry was 12. If I recall correctly, even after his escape muggle authorities only knew he was a "dangerous criminal" without any specifics. Not only that, how would a seven year old kid know name of a mass murderer? Kids of that age don't read newspapers or watch news on TV.

Similar thing goes for phoenixes, or any other mythical creatures. You need to remember how much Dursleys hate anything that doesn't fit their image of perfect, normal, world. Stories, movies, anything about magic was banned in their household, even to the point of denying some things to Dudley. So, where could Harry hear or read definition of word "phoenix"?

As for WbA, it's [here], the only requirement is that you post your story, not a link to it.

 

LV hates his name because he is named after his muggle father. Perhaps it'd been better if he never introduced himself as tom riddle. HP never knew about black in cannon and he shouldn't have known about a murder case that happened when he was one years old.

 

I sort of disagree about Harry acting too old. Adults tend to think little kids are stupider than they really are. I think your Harry is good. Anyway, who wants to read about a drooling idiot? Even if it's not logical characterization, it still makes for a more interesting story than infantile!Harry. Much better to err on the side of maturity, especially in a fic like yours.

The thing about Sirius was a bit odd, but it's an AU anyway, so why not? As long as you explain at some point why Sirius would have notoriety in the Muggle world. Even little kids know about really famous killers -- I probably knew about Ted Bundy when I was eight, for instance. Phoenixes aren't exactly obscure, and it's not really that odd that a precocious kid like your Harry would have heard about them -- the Dursleys can't control what goes on at school.

I'd say don't change anything. Rather than edit what you've got, just work on the next chapter, use it as an opportunity to clear the air a bit.

 

Harry is a lot more mature then a normal seven year old. Burt is correct. That is not necessarily a bad thing. wizards are generally more mature for their age in canon. Regular seven year olds are childish as they should be. For the readers sake, making HP more mature was a smart decision. Childishness usually are on par with idiocy; and no one wants to read about a stupid seven year old.

 

As someone stated above, who wants to read a story where a seven year old acts like a seven year old?

And, if some characters are a bit OOC, deal with it. I consider almost all the canon!characters of HP to be unreadable so i liked this. Spelling/grammar was good, not that i ever notice if it´s not very bad. The so called "plot holes" about the phoenix and Black is just stupid. If everything was like canon fanfiction would not exist plus that these two are very easily explained. A phoenix is mentioned in a great deal of books, Harry could easily have stumbled upon them. Black could very well be on the muggle news since 13 muggles were killed by him (supposedly). So Harry could have watched a TV show about him, read about him in the newspapers or anything.

 

You sure are a hard man to please.
Anyway if Sirius killed 13 muggles with a single curse, do you think they will say that on TV? I am pretty sure they would have used some excuse like the good old gas line blowing up or something. Besides in cannon, I remember Vernon going on about how they are warning people to be careful of Sirius, but they dont mention why. Pheonix I agree. Leave that in.
I mean if Harry`s family has some kind of magic phobia, it would at least make him curious enough to look it up in school.

 

Hum. It is definitely interesting. I've seen a few plot holes, they have already been previously mentioned.

Over all the grammar is good, the dialog is excellent.

So far I would say its quite good but will wait for further chapters before actually giving it a numerical value.

That said I must take issue with the complaints against the use of "for the greater good". That phrase is rather ambiguous. "The greater good" is relative to the person who is holding the action or thought to be good. For example something that Dumbledore thinks is perfectly acceptable, or necessary might be viewed by someone else as a needless endangerment, or that blood purity is the highest aspiration and mixing with muggles is evil.

The geater good is realative to the individual, therefore it is possible for a greater good to be used in Voldemort's case provided that he views his actions or goals as good.

I look forward to updates and have put this story on my alerts list. Which would otherwise be unusual for me as I tend to dislike stories that are written in first person point-of-view.

 

What I want to know is how did Voldemort knew that Sirius Black didn't kill Peter and 13 muggles? For all he knew Black could have done it. Like overpowering a curse in anger while trying to kill Peter and blowing up nearby muggles.

And in canon Voldemort possessed Quirrel couldn't touch Harry due to old blood protection from his mother. That too vanished???

 

This is nice. A pretty decent read from what I've seen so far

What I'm touchy on though...for an eight year old Harry sure has a dirty mouth.



...even I didn't start swearing until 12.