Title: A Life to Live.
Author: DragonNighthowler
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Fantasy/Angst/bits of romance.
DLP Category: ?
Pairing: Ron/Hermione
Summary:
Ron is suffering from a strange illness, that only seems to get worse, but ignores his friends' advice of going to the infirmary.
Meanwhile, Hermione seems to be getting very vivid dreams. When she starts to fade, the trio will try all they can to keep her from dissapearing.
(I'm so bad at summaries)
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2689143/1/A_Life_To_Live

I'm posting this to get some real critics. I won't say this is the best story you've ever read, but I think it can be fairly enjoyable, but there are mistakes I can't see, and which will need corrections.

Just one thing. Be a bit fair on the language thing, since I'm not native english. Correct me, but don't lapidate me.

Saluts.

 

Post the story link and not your author page link.

Oh and you might want to post it in the Work by Author section or else people will rip the story apart. For review is usually for polished stories that are ready to run the gauntlet. If you post it in the WBA people will be nicer and still give you honest feedback.

Haven't read it yet but will review when I do.

Edit: Okay here goes. I'll review it assuming that this will be moved to WBA.

I only made it to chapter four before I stopped.

The story is boring. The tension that you're trying to convey just isn't there. There's no hook, nothing to keep you reading. The characters aren't compelling at all and the dialogue comes off as a bit mechanical at times. Your writing isn't all bad, decent but with a better plot it would be acceptable.

My number one requirement in a story is that it features Harry as the main character. It needs to be a truly great story for me to enjoy a story not featuring Harry and this plainly isn't

 

I'm pretty sure you're about to get anal-fucked now. Enjoy.

 

Nonjon's online right now, if you ask him he'll probably toss this over into WBA for you. As it is you're going to get ripped to shreds in a few if this isn't moved.

Go read more of the For Review section and the Recycling Bin.

Non-Harry centric is probably going to get destroyed unless it really is exceptional.

[Edit] Read the first chapter, too many adjectives, commas instead of full stops, your choice of words needs work, "vision was scarce"?

If this is still in here when I finish up my Essay I'll come back and rinse it properly.

[Edit2] Reading post below. If you're online get this thing move over to WBA, almost any mod can and will do it for you as you're new. Just send them a PM. For Review isn't for constructive criticism so much as it's for deciding what is and isn't worthy of the DLP library. If you want help with your writing WBA and Fanfiction Extras are where you should be going.

If you're a masochist who enjoys getting the shit ripped out of your fics (and I can tell this one will) then feel free to keep this in here.

 

Thank you Garrus. I hadn't realised, as I'm working various windows, and it's past 3 am, that I'd gotten the wrong link. Thank for your correction. And thanks again for the suggestion. I'm pretty much expecting to get the story bashed into the depths, but then again, I might find some useful critic here and there, that will aid me polish my work and technique.

Reggin, that was useful. Thanks a bunch.

Saluts.

 

Meh, someone had to say it. Luckily it was me and nobody else at the moment.

 

Yeah, but people actually normally say useful stuff in addition to insulting people. Whereas you just come in and insult someone because you can.

There is a difference.

 

Someone will have to explain to me how DNH should count herself as lucky that it was a brainless idiot who wasted cyberspace with a one-line insult, rather than someone else.

Apparently the newb would like her story to stay in here. I personally don't see the problem. If the fic is bad, fine, read it and review/flame it, and it'll get tossed in the Trash or Recycle Bin. She can always post something in WbA sometime later.

Tl;dr: stop telling her to have the fic moved to WbA; I think she got it.

And read the goddamn story before you comment.

To DNH, post-coffee comment: Welcome to DLP.

 

You misspelled the title of your own story.

 

Your Hermione is a blatant, two dimensional author-insert/Mary Sue. The plot lacks cohesion to a degree that borders on incoherence, your dialogue is overblown and comically dramatic, and your characters completely forgo any semblance of development in favor of momentary, seemingly random emotional twists. Oh, and your horse obsession is fucking retarded. The structure, spelling, grammar, etc are average in quality, but simplistic, though your English is admittedly better than my French.

Honestly, I see very little worth keeping. If you were a native speaker I'd give a resounding 1/5, as is maybe a two. As has been suggested, I'd say throw it into WBA. It will be utterly shredded there, but if you listen to what's said it might come out passable.

 

That would be me.

I just woke up. -_-

 

I'm always wary of an author posting their own stuff into For Review. Nine times out of ten, they're looking for WBA style feedback and haven't quite figured out DLP.

Also, it's curious the OP/author is looking for criticism on a fic that she finished three years ago. (And hasn't gotten a review in over three years.)

After skimming a bit, I think it's time to accept a harsh truth: this fic isn't interesting. It hasn't got an audience because no one's interested in reading it.

The concept of werewolves is not particularly original or interesting on its own. Someone truly gifted with words and descriptions could make it work, but the non-native English shows. It basically comes down to the fact that by focusing on Ron/Hermione you're only going to interest a small portion of the Harry Potter fanfic scene. Of those, your limitations with the language winnows down the potential audience more. And finally, there's just nothing there that I care about.

Some authors write things so horrible that they piss people off. Others come up with new spins or interesting takes on tired old cliches. You seem pretty middle of the road, which is the land of blah.

Come up with a new idea. Something different or interesting. Folks on the forum with any sort of passing interest in the idea will gladly help you shape the story or suggest dramatic elements to include.

But a story that's pretty blah and has been completed for over three years? That just feels like a waste of time.

 

Thanks all for the feedback. I was expecting something along the lines, as I can see (now) some of my very own mistakes. I know the story was finished three years back, but after that, and out of utmost frustration, I stopped writting fanfiction, and focused on original fiction, in my own language. But, for once, I would have liked to know what people honestly thought.

Thanks again.

Saluts.