Title: Not Fade Away
Author: Shake
Rating: M
Genre: Independent!Harry, Action/Adventure
DLP Category: Independent?
Pairing: None at the moment
Status: Chapter 1 of a WIP
Summary: Post-OOTP, Independent!Harry, WIP. Harry returns to Privet Drive after the battle at the Department of Mysteries, experiencing a summer not even he expected. Finding friends he never expected to, and enemies among those he counted allies, he takes Sirius' last words to him to heart, and decides to live. To be no one's pawn, to make the destiny he never wanted of his own making.
Link: http://patronuscharm.net/s/266/1/

 

I wonder where the author got this story title from...

Looks like a cliche 'pawn' story, I'm going to have a look see. Will edit when done.

Edit: Lol, pottymouth!Harry.

 

I rarely like

Spoiler

Dudley and HP become friends

storylines, but this one was surprisingly engaging. The plot was fluid and given some of the givens, believable. 4/5 so far.

 

I'm disappointed there's no Angel connection here...

I'll read it soon. Edit later...

(By the way, does anyone know if you can find the Angel/Buffy comics online? Or, more legally, if they're sold outside of the US and outside the use of credit cards?)

EDIT: Read most of it. I'm afraid I skipped large parts - mostly just the letters that after a quick squiz appeared to contain the usual sentiments - but it's well written and flows well. I won't rate it since there's nowhere near enough to ascertain the story direction. It may remain that way as nothing has really perked my interest. Anya's mentioned two other things I have similar feelings about.

However, I must add that the swearing is unnecessary. I'm more sensitive to it than most people I'll bet, but I've grown used to it under certain circumstances. Not once were there any real reason for it here, though. It may just be how the author writes but, like I said, I find it unnecessary and ruins the experience for me. Everyday people who talk like Harry and Dudley do here piss me off.

Again, well written, but there's nothing of interest to me thus far.

 

Multi-chaptered fic --> only one chapter up = too short to be up for review. Capice?

As for the story ...

^^See that ?

^^And that?

Well, don't do that.

You mean goat. Although if you've lurked around enough, you would know that DLP's got its very own clique of sheep-lovers. BTW Beastialmagi wasn't the least bit amusing.

Okay, now I'm worried.

And Dudley getting it on with a hot chick? lolwtfbbq. Not gonna happen ...

That said, here's a couple more reasons why your fic will never make it to the 'Recycle Bin', much less the library:

-Neville!letter -> gawd no.

-Last will and testament of Sirius Black; congratulations. You're like the 354666th person to come up with that.

-Plus, the words 'sick' and 'again' keep popping up every few lines. Note2OP: repetition is only healthy in small doses.

-You used 'stick it to the man' and 'Dumbledore' in the same line. I shall never forgive you for that mental image.

Yes, and maybe you need a bit more. Next time, get someone else to beta your work and keep some of those annoying typos/grammatical errors in check. Or better yet, put this up in the 'Work by Author' section to get some actual feedback on your writing. Never post your work in the 'For Review' section unless you feel it's worth being compared to a 4-star story in the library.

kthnxbi

 

They're all up on 4chan/rs/, I think.

 

If you do ever find them online, could you PM me with the link?

On topic. Harry's majorly OOC (out of character). And I think I see an Abusive!Vernon in the distance.

2/5, though I will be waiting for an update nonetheless.

 

Thanks for reading, and for your comments. e1, sorry, I didn't realize it needed to be longer before people could post in the review forum. What about one shots? Is that a different rule? If it makes it any better, I already have a few more chapters that I was already working on, but hadn't posted yet.

Also, I thought it was to long to post in the WbA forums, and the rules there said don't do it if it had to be put in more than one post, so...

As far as your comments regarding the story. Well, the fractured sentences... get over it. I know it's not grammatically correct, but its purposely so. It's a style. Is it good? I can see you don't think so, but I don't really get why that bothers you. I wont change stuff like that, I just seem to write like that, and I like my style.

To the sheep lover bit, thank you. I missed that, dunno how. I wish I could figure out how to edit the story on patronus charm without deleting it and re-uploading the doc it was saved as.

To Dudley not being with a hot chick/being too different... why is that? This is my own characterization. If its because its not canon, well, I doubt any of my characterizations are going to be canon. If its because he's fat and ugly, plenty of fat and ugly dude get chicks IRL. I'm kinda confused.

The will -- it is cliched, I know. I still wanted to put it in. This isn't going to be a story where Harry gets all super powerful because he gets money/the Black's family status or whatever. Out of curiosity, is it because it was a will specifically that it bothers you? It was meant, to me, to be a last message, of sorts.

Anya - there is a bit of Vernon being abusive in this story. It isn't ongoing and wont be a big part of it at all, rarely mentioned again really. Did you mention that because it was a cliche?

And as for Harry being OOC, I'm sorta confused again. To both of you, or anyone, could you actually explain this to me? I mean, I've read a ton of stories, and all of them, Harry is different. All the characters are different. There are plenty of massively AU stories that people like a lot. This is just my own take on everything.. is there a reason I'm doing it wrong, so to speak?

Thanks again to you both, for reading.

 

An abusive Vernon has been done to death, and it looks like Dudley is going to be the recipient as well. Truthfully I think that Dudley would be big enough and well versed in boxing that he wouldn't take that shit from Vernon.

Also as with all Abusive!Vernon stories, Harry wouldn't let it continue either. He would either leave the house and/or tell the Order and let them take care of Vernon.

That's my opinion, take it or leave it.

 

No, I gotcha. I had meant all implied abuse to be far in the past. Maybe I didn't write that well enough. Thanks Anya

 

No problem

Like I said before, if you update I'll read it.

 

Haven't read the story yet, and I'll edit when I do. But on the will topic - I do want to see for once someone write that Sirius hasn't planned ahead for his eventual death, and why the hell should he?! So with his demise the title for the head of the house of Black will have to be fought over. Nothing bad in Harry winning the "competition" by suggesting some king of adoption or better yet - he gets the money(IF there are any) but the title of Lord Black(again IF there is one) goes to the closest blood relative.
It's just done in 99% of the post OoTP fics and more often than not the letter/will says the same and the reader skips it over just like the sorting hat's song... no real purpose and boring to read.
So, how about Harry is left with nothing and he has to come in terms with the idea that his godfather might have loved him but he didn't have the time to really say it?

 

I'm in favor of this story, though I haven't read much past the first chapter. 3/5 so far, will edit with a proper rating when I'm done, because for as much promise as this shows, it can still go hideously wrong.

Edit: Ah. Only the first chapter is available. Well... I'll hold judgement until I see another update.

Why the hell shouldn't he? LW&T aren't exactly all that uncommon, even for people who are young and healthy. Given that Sirius has already gone to prison once, has a death sentence hanging over his head, and is a frontliner as much as he can be, it makes perfect sense that he would want to see the Black family wealth -- and preservation of wealth is one of the chief reasons for having a will -- go to someone who isn't thick as thieves with the Dark Arts.

 

There's no rule at all -- although I sometimes think a rule wouldn't harm anyone. The thing is, while some stories are bad enough to be cast aside after only one chapter, the contrary is rarely true. A great first chapter doesn't guarantee the story won't get boring; although, when it does, it's simply moved out of the Library. The biggest problem is about mediocre introductory chapters (something many decent stories have), which have a high risk of getting deleted. DLP's policy is such that a deleted story doesn't get a second chance.

What happens most of the time is that the story in question gathers dust for ages in For Review, because most members end their reviews with "I'll need to read more before I can rate it."

One-shots, of course, are completed stories; so they don't generate that kind of problem.


EDIT:

I had no idea that rule existed... I remember a bug once (long ago) that wouldn't let me post more than 3k words in one go. I thus apologised in advance and posted three times in a row. As far as I know there was no problem with that.

Long story short: if you couldn't post 7k words, there probably was a bug. Next time that happens, go ahead and multi-post.

 

I think I'm getting seizures, I shuddered so much.

 

I think I just vomited a little in my mouth. Thanks Tinn...

 

Ahaha, I didn't read any of that, I just went straight to the reviews. And those are awesome. :awesome

 

I have to agree. I went and read them, too. I was laughing hysterically, almost all the way to the end. Funny as hell.