Just caught up by reading the last five chapters, and I have to say, I like the story arc, even if I've never been a fan of Harry with Padma or Parvati. Of course, Harry with Padma AND Parvati sounds interesting...

I agree that this satisfied some bloodlust, especially with Harry blowing Snape's arms off. And yes, everyone did seem too ambivalent or nonchalant about Harry killing Snape, but Snape had just viciously sliced Harry open from hip to shoulder, not to mention Harry was extra pissed, thinking Snape had killed Dobby. Then again, most people in the magical world don't give a damn about house elves, so thinking others might understand his anger might be a little pie-in-the-sky.

As for Fawkes? I've noticed a good trend lately (if a few fics can be seen as a trend) of Fawkes being utilized as something other than the "uber-light creature of sugary goodness" and/or summarily gifted to Harry as his companion/familiar/BFF. It goes without saying that as soon as I see a story where Harry is an ice-blue phoenix Animagus with green or violet eyes, I hit the big red X. Invariably, those stories use Fawkes as a deus ex machina, giving Harry a fool-proof escape from anywhere, or a perpetually reliable way to heal himself from everything up to and including the Killing Curse. It's just too much.

Stories like this one (so far, at least) are refreshing in that Fawkes doesn't suddenly communicate telepathically with Harry, or teach Harry to be a phoenix Animagus, or (insert bullshit phoenix cliche here). Other examples of good use of Fawkes are Jbern's Bungle in the Jungle and The Live I've Lived, and there's at least one more than I can't recall right now. I was shocked and pleased when in Bungle, Fawkes nearly attacks Harry, presumably because Harry has been "tainted" with Daemon blood, and In Lie, Fawkes and the Sorting Hat are pretty adverserial, which is something I'd never seen before.

Quoted for truth. If Moody and Snape had not been constrained, they'd have wiped the floor with Harry, regardless of Harry's extra power and whatever training he'd managed to get since fleeing Hogwarts.

Agreed 100 percent. The fact that Harry's group (well, it's not his group, it's just the group he's fallen in with) is feeling the pinch from two or even three sides is, for me, ratcheting up the tension, and I like that. I can't tell you how many fics I've dropped because everything went smashingly well for Harry & Co., whether it was pranking Draco (what the fuck are you still doing at school if you're so awesome?!?), thwarting Dumbledore's juvenile and transparent machinations, or what-have-you. Just... no. That shit is a waste of my time. Give me a story where things go wrong and the good guys (and the bad guys) have to deal with the consequences over that other crap any day.

As for The Potter Conspiracy, I'm looking forward to Harry's next encounter with Hermione and the Weasleys. He may kill or cripple Ron, and if we're lucky, Molly Weasley will get flattened as well. With Hermione I'm torn; in most ways, I really like Hermione, and I tend to gravitate to Harry/Hermione stories. That said, the scenario used in this story is about the only way I could see Hermione ever betraying Harry, and while part of me wants him to forgive her, I don't think it will or really should happen here. My suspicion is that Hermione will end up somehow sacrificing herself as a means of penance or contrition for her choosing Dumbledore and authority over Harry and loyalty. I hope I used "contrition" correctly...

Good work, darklordmike, and I'm eager to read whatever's next in your plan.

 

Chapter 20 is up.

For those worried about the pace and the presence of 'filler,' all I can say is that I'm telling the story as efficiently as I can. I think there's a tendency among veteran readers, who have seen it all, to skip over characterization and look for the next plot point. The plot will advance steadily, but I want the characters to react to events in an emotionally realistic way.

My original outline called for about 30 chapters and 180k words; obviously that won't be happening anymore. I think we're now looking at about 33 chapters and 240k words. That leaves me another 100k words to wrap up all the fighting and romancing. Regardless, rest assured that I won't rush things to fit the story into a preconceived length.

@Teks - I didn't consciously model the assassination scenes on The Godfather, but I can see the similarity now that you mention it. Another reader suggested it was an homage to the Jedi assassination sequence in Star Wars. Really I was just thinking about a Sopranos-style whackfest, but I'll take comparisons to great movies any day

@Portus - thanks for the kind words. I won't spoil anything with respect to Hermione, but she will be rejoining the main plot soon.

Cheers.

 

A much stronger chapter than the last, though I completely understand the necessity of the last one. I can't be bothered retyping my thoughts from my review, but I'll add that the Gringotts scene was great. Harry's team was suitably prepared given the time they spent preparing.

Next chapters sounds just as interesting.


Oh, and what the...?

Eh? Eh??

 

I think Dobby felt Voldemort when he felt something like Potter's magic but wasn't. If I'm right, could Dobby lead Potter to Voldemort, or drop a bomb on Dead Eather HQ?

 

No idea, scary. Who knew cliff hangers could be so controversial?

I got a PM last week from a girl who refused to continue reading because I was "being too mean to Hermione."

I don't want to spoil anything, wolf, but I will say that you're thinking along the right lines.

 

these first few chapters ARE a pain.. though with everyone saying the grass is greener on the other side, I will continue trudging through it

 

Buddy, I get reviews in nearly every bloody chapter in Renegade Cause because I'm being 'mean' or 'unfair' to Hermione. It's a bit of a pain, but at least Harmionians tend to be a bit more intelligent than the average H/G shipper.

I've been following your story, and despite the fact you're doing a ton of things really well, there's one thing that really bugs me about your fic - there's very little in terms of subtlety or solid pacing. Frankly, I like reading badass!Harry as much as anyone, but to me, your fic (particularly in the characterization and writing of Dumbledore) lacks a degree of sophisticated subtlety that I tend to favour. Furthermore, I often find that fics with such a breakneck pace like yours tend to run out of steam - a major trap that needs to be avoided. And frankly, I'm none too happy that you killed off Snape, but I'm one of the few writers on this site that actually likes the greasy bastard, so I won't hold that against you.

I'm still not set on how you write dialogue - it doesn't feel natural to me, but that's personal preference.

Of course, by the time I'm complaining about subtlety and pacing, I'm nitpicking. Your story really is something solid and respectable, easily worth a 4/5. I'm reserving a higher rating until I see the ending, frankly. Nice work so far, but keep my criticisms in mind.

 

I like the story enough that the little nit-picks just sort of slip under my radar, but there is one that's been standing out in the last few chapters: Harry's anger towards Dumbledore. I'm all for Harry being angry as fuck, and I wouldn't even mind if he got angrier in the future, but at this point it seems a bit... childish, I guess. To me, at least, his anger is coming across as whining and bitching. I understand that he's a teenager in a crap situation, but the outbursts are getting a bit too melodramatic to be realistic. Maybe a bit of good, quiet seething is in order? Certainly don't diminish Harry's feelings, but also present them in a more circumspect/thoughtful/meaningful fashion. I suppose I agree with Silens Cursor, then, just without his other gripes. Harry seems a bit too in-your-face at times.

That doesn't for a moment mean that I don't love the story, though. It gets a solid 4/5 from me, 5/5 if you make Harry more focused and less blindingly angry.

 

Thanks for the thorough review, Silens; glad you're enjoying the story.

As far as the lack of subtlety goes, I assume you mean the fact that I revealed most of Dumbledore's manipulations early in the story. I did that intentionally, because it felt like the lesser of two evils to me. If I surrounded Dumbledore's motives and actions with mystery, the early chapters would read just like every terrible evil!Dumbledore story out there, where he inexplicably steals from Harry or is jealous of his fame, etc.

I wanted to distinguish this Dumbledore from those right away. That choice admittedly put the kibosh on the possible intrigue, but it hopefully humanized him and created some suspense. The reader sees early on how fucked Harry is, and wonders how he's going to squirm his way out of such a thorough trap. It's a trade-off, I know, but it did open the door to some interesting dramatic irony (I hope).

I'm not sure what you mean with respect to the dialogue. What feels unnatural about it?

Point taken, pdo. A lot of his current rage is due to him being hit with too much at once (Snape, Pettigrew's betrayal, losing Sirius, etc.) and feeling helpless to combat it. He does seem serious raging at Dumbledore next chapter, but there's no avoiding that. Don't worry--he's growing up quickly and will learn how to channel his anger better as the story goes. Parvati will soon be there to help relieve some pressure

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next chapter is almost finished and should be ready for posting tomorrow or Saturday.

 

Hmm, to be honest the raging at Dumbledore felt pretty legitimate to me. Sure it would probably be healthy for him to move on but at the same time it makes him feel more real as a character, as most people would not simply give up hating someone who did all of those things to them.

 

I think a more mature Harry would know to "don't get mad - get even!" regarding Dumbledore. I'm waiting for that.

 

Ah, I see where you're coming from on the Dumbledore front. It's your execution, I feel, that I have a bit of an issue with. A lot of traditionally manipulative!Dumbledore fics run with manipulation that is both obvious and blatant. It might not be spelled out to the readers at what his intent might be, but the manipulation is still there. On the other hand, in your fic, by attempting to 'humanize' Dumbledore by showing his intentions early, you've only made his manipulations more obvious and plain to the readers.

Frankly, I'm one of the writers who think that it's all right to shroud Dumbledore's actions in mystery, manipulative or not. That's part of the character's mystique - he's a great and powerful wizard, and his mind works in mysterious ways (in other words, don't fuck with him). That's why many of the scenes in HBP and DH bothered me so much, because they took away from the whole characterization of Dumbledore. You can still make him a very human character, but the way you wrote it completely stripped Dumbledore the mystery and prowess that surround the character, and that's a damn shame.

I had to deal with this same problem in Renegade Cause, so I know how you feel with this particular issue. Frankly, I think writing from 'Dumbledore's POV' can be damaging to the whole manipulative angle that you might wish to push. Even if you want to avoid that cliche, by writing in his POV early on, it stripped away a lot of his mystique, and that left me fairly disappointed. And you did kind of kill a lot of the intrigue with that sequence as well - and in my opinion, trading intrigue for suspense loses something in the long run, because well-written intrigue (which few, if any, fanfic authors can do) will create suspense on its own. The trick, I find, to writing intrigue is to keep the motives of some characters in the dark - let the characters - and readers - find the motives of the other characters. In my opinion, it just creates a more realistic world to work with.

As for the dialogue... well, to me, it feels clunky. Doesn't feel particularly real. I can't see your characters actualy speaking as they do. It's solid, and it conveys the plot, but it doesn't have the same elusive spark of life that the dialogue creates in other fics. I wish you good luck in trying to find that - hell, I'm still looking for that spark.

But otherwise, good luck. Hope you found my advice helpful, and keep writing. I'm looking forward to the next update.

 

I've gotta say, I liked Harry much better in chapter 21 than I did in 20. He was fairly on the ball when he talked to Dumbledore and didn't screech and moan later, but also stayed within the limits you've set for his character. Very well done.

Also:

Spoiler

Fawkes torched Dumbledore's tower after dropping him in the lake and disappeared, and didn't immediately run off to Harry like a needy bitch.

That was made of win, and bumps my previous rating up to 5/5. Simply awesome.

 

Will the Hogwarts staff take Fawkes's action as confirmation of Harry's letter being all true? Will they do anything or just tell Dumbledore he's been naughty? Or will he Obliviate his staff? Or will they buy his explanation that's it's a misunderstanding, he has everyone's best interest at heart, and it's all for the greater good?

 

I can't believe what some people are writing here. Harry has every right to be royally pissed of at Dumbledore and rage at him. I wouldn't be surprised if he deemed him a more important and dangerous enemy than Voldemort (which we, readers know to be true as Voldemort is a wild animal in this story).

The latest chapter was good. I hoped for more in Harry's mirror-talk with Dumbledore, but I can't say what would that be.

Fawkes (finally) leaving Dumbledore with a bang was awesome. I wonder what will be staff's thoughts and reactions on these developments. They certainly won't trust him as much as they used to, but will they "revolt"? Maybe they will make him change his attitude towards Harry? Actually, it would be ironic, Harry executing apologizing Headmaster.

I hope there will be another update soon.

 

I dont think I can read this anymore. It just.. I dont know. It just doesn't grab me. And while later on it looks good, I just cant get myself to read through what I'm in right now.

 

Another fine chapter. Though, I feel compelled to point out that Dumbledore had Fawkes as companion since before the WWII, we know that Harry's and Voldemort's wands have Fawkes's feather as a core. Riddle entered Hogwarts in 1936 or 1937.

 

Good catch KrzaQ, I didn't notice that. Why were Bones' people unable to dispel the substance that caused the darkness in St. Mungo's lobby? Why didn't McG cause a ruckus during the Order meeting and reveal what she knows about Dumbledore? Is she the only member of the order other than Tonks to distruct Dumbledore, even after Harry's letter and Fawkes?

 

Nice catch indeed, KrzaQ; that was a mistake on my part. I tried to discover when Fawkes hooked up with Dumbledore in canon, but couldn't find any information. So I introduced him here in 1977, completely forgetting the age of Riddle's wand core.

Oh well. It's not something I can really fix. I suppose I can claim AU privileges and just say that Dumbledore didn't discover that Fawkes had donated Riddle's wand core until 1977. Either way, it's a plot hole I can live with.

There will be more on the nature of that black smoke in the next chapter, wolf. And McGonagall isn't done causing trouble over Harry, but she didn't want to rock the boat too much in her first official Order meeting.

 

Updated with good development of the plot on all fronts.