Ok, I finished reading the latest chapter, and I must admit, it is much better than I thought after reading chapter one, although there are still some things that bug me.

The first one is kind of hard to ignore: You frequently err in writing loose instead of lose. They are different words with different meanings. I suggest looking them up on an online dictionary because that is one of the most amateur writing mistakes I can think of off the top of my head. Do you run a spelling/grammar check in Word before you post your chapters? Do you have a beta? If not, you might want to look into these things.

Secondly: You tend to overuse commas to the extreme; a lot of your sentences are just too wordy and often grammatically incorrect. There are tons of places in the writing where you have unnecessary commas and where a semicolon would have been more appropriate than a comma, but I can only remember one instance of you using a semicolon in the last few chapters. There are lots of sites that help with writing; I think I even remember some of them being posted in a thread here on DLP awhile ago. Again, perhaps a beta is in order; one that knows all the intricacies of the English language...I'm sure that such a person wouldn't be too hard to find here on DLP.

Surprisingly I didn't have too much of a problem with the Greengrasses in this story, despite the fact that a lot of the criticism on this page and the last about them are completely valid. Also, I didn't have a problem with the titles and land ownership, which I don't think is an inherently bad idea; it's certainly hard to pull off convincingly as most don't know too much about that sector, but so far you pulled it off rather convincingly. I don't know much about the English system and its taxes, but so far it seems to me entirely legit as how it's been used in your story. Too many Indy!Harry stories try their hand at this plot rather badly and fail on a few different levels: They often make Harry rich as Bill Gates; flub the execution itself; or make Harry the descendent of Merlin/Slytherin/Gryffindor/Ravenclaw/Morgana/etc. etc.

I actually would have liked a sex scene in the last chapter as it seemed like it was going to happen for a minute, but I don't know if you write that sort of thing; many here are, well, gifted at writing sex scenes, and I think it would have been lulzy as fuck if you had that scene end differently and had Harry come on to Daphne in a fit of drunken brilliance or Daphne taking advantage of wasted!Harry.

4/5 as of latest chapter.

 

I'm loving this story. Honestly, the fact that Harry didn't put up a fight in the first chapter didn't bother me a bit, i read it, accepted it and moved on to the actual story. I would have been more disappointed if he came out wand blazing trying to level the house (yes I'm exaggerating).

The real beauty of this fic, for me, is not only the characterization, but also the promised political struggle that's being hinted at so far. Very few authors manage to pull that off in a decent fashion. Hopefully Belleradh will come through nicely.

Anyway, this is a perfect light read to sate my Daphne fanboy'ism.

5/5

Oh and:

Did anyone else find it highly amusing that Weasley's have The Burrow or was it just me?

 

Yeah, I thought that was the joke intended. I wonder if the Bones family has The Boneyard or The Happy Man as their area...

Oh, and I second the "loose" and "lose" confusion. It's a minor nitpick, but a very fucking annoying minor nitpick to boot.

 

I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of Neutral!Daphne.

I want to read a DeathEater!Daphne. Not downright evil, but a fanatic believer of her cause. It would make developing her relationship with a 'Dumbledore's Man, through and through' Harry very interesting.

Edit: Oh, and I like the story. It's not the greatest story ever, but it's entertaining enough for me to want to read it. 4/5

 

When are we going to see his friends reactions? Will he recieve letters during the summer, or will we have to wait to Hogwarts to see reactions from other characters?

 

There was one where Daphne brought Harry to Voldemort's side. Can't remember if it was any good, but it amused me when people tried to get into the Dark Lord lair to "rescue" him only to get captured.

The author never quite finished it either.

 

Traitorous by Flamata. A good enough story. And I agree with Amer, I'd like see a slightly evil Daphne.

 

Pretty sure the Bones was meant to be The Ossuary, a place or thing that where bones are kept.

 

Pretty sure that's fanon.

 

I'm pretty sure the Bones floo address being Ossuary is fanon, too. I remember reading it in Harry Potter and the Quantum Leap, at least.

 

*Shrug* I just wanted to make an erection joke. And yeah, that sounds like fanon.

 

I'm pretty sure that only the Weasleys would name their floo address - as no one would ever call that hovel "Weasley Manor."

 

​

 

I've been struggling to get through it, it's really hard. You guys make it sound like it gets better. Well, the first two chapters are tough to wade through. I'm going to take a break.

Maybe it's just... I don't get "indy" Harry – I mean, is a Harry who receives all his power from some OC Teachers, uber awesome titles and inheritences, really 'independent'? It's no different than Dumbledore teaching him some cool stuff and him reading up on Political Agendas 101. It's really only indy Harry if Harry 'breaks free' by himself.

The first chapter is really a turn off, there's almost no reason for Harry to go with the Greengrasses, it's basically like 'lol i guess i've got no choice, derp did you say mutually beneficial?'.

 

QFT!

I'm one of those who stopped after the first chapter. Really enjoyed Key To Summer however, and Grimm even more so, it doesn't take a great leap of logic to imagine the same about this one.

Will take another look when more has been published.

 

The technicalities of the writing and the vocabulary of this story are very good. There are not many works of fanfiction out there that make me feel that I needed over an 8th grade level of english comprehension. I cannot remember the last time I read about something being "rent open" in a fanfic rather than "torn open" or even "broked open" and for the most part was duly impressed with the quality of the mechanics of the writing.

But in the end, the truth is: I am struggling with this story. I am another who could not get past the first chapter. To be honest, I did not even finish that. There were simply too many issues for me to bother with moving forward. Of these issues, the first one I noted was the "Preface" of the fanfic. As I am sure many here have done, through years of reading fanfiction, I have developed a means of unofficially screening potential reads so as not to waste my time. In general, I find that an author who feels the need to justify themselves before they have even begun the story is a calling card for bad news. They are generally far too undeveloped or insecure in their writing to bother with. Additionally, I think it is a sign of a whiny little bitch who, if I were to meet in person, is someone to whom I would feel the need to argue my point corporally. It was only for the high star rating on this forum that I broke this cardinal rule of mine and read on.

I really should have stuck with my tried and true method of experience. Without beating a dead horse too badly, I was appalled with Harry's reaction and attitude towards invaders inside his residence. Ignoring for a moment how Harry gave in without so much a fight, even cannon Harry would not have tolerated the high handed treatment from his would be rescuers, as demonstrated by the splash of cold water so detachedly given. Especially during the summer before his fifth year, which is the summer when, in cannon, Harry was at his least tolerant. My best reasoning for this horrible characterization of Harry is that the author could not think of ways of improving cannon Harry the leaps and bounds they desired to, and so instead committed a straw man fallacy. The author lowered the standard of their Harry so that the improvements made later on would seem to be far greater than they would when compared against the cannon Harry. Despite the author's (early) justifications, there is a considerable difference between an imperfect character and a complete idiot. Truthfully, I feel that the cannon Harry between books 4 and 5 was imperfect enough for any author.

Another problem I have with this story is the blatant and, frankly, stupid plot device in the letter left with Harry as a baby. The Dursley's suddenly become nice and caring when it is destroyed? I don't think so. Contrived and reaching, it is an element of disappointment.

Most of my other complaints are relatively small. For instance, Daphne asks Harry to confirm his close friendship with Luna Lovegood and Susan Bones. In cannon, he did not even meet Luna until the train ride on September 1st. Susan he must have been aware of, but he did not have any significant association with until the DA. Both events happen well after the current time the question took place. Furthermore, I find myself wondering about the guards that, by now, the Order of the Pheonix had placed on Harry. Another aspect missing in this work.

Overall, while the mechanics of the work were excellent, I cannot bring myself to complete or recommend this story. If it were the author's first work, I would say there is potential if they could learn from criticism. This is not, however, their first work, and if I am reading many other reviews correctly, this is notably lower in quality to the others.

My rating is 2/5.

EDITED: For spelling.

 

There actually is reason to dislike the preface. She spends as much time making excuses (justifications, pick what you will) and being condescending as she does writing an extended summary You'd think she did enough of that in her profile:

I'm not criticizing her demeanor (this is DLP after all), but we don't need to see so much of it.

My problem with the story is that it aggressively changes canon to make Harry even weaker and more feeble, as noted by several others. I'd rather have a Mary Sue character than one this flawed.