Title: Harry Potter and the Truth of Evans-Potter
Author: Gatonio
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Category: Alternative Universe
Main Pairing: Harry/Hermione
Minor Pairings: Neville/Daphne Draco/Luna Susan/Blaise Justin/OC
Summary: Harry Potter is saved by godly intervention and sent back in time to set straight all the wrongs he was subjected to. He committed suicide when he lost everyone he loved. Now he is back and armed with the assistance of the Goddess Chaos, who is itching to use him against her manipulative sisters: Destiny and Fate. There is a time for war, a time for love and friendship in all the wrong places. Family secrets, hidden wealth and angst galore.

Here's the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5380873/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Truth_of_EvansPotter

I'm feeling really pompous submitting my own story here, but what the heck, diving into the abyss is way better than standing on the edge and worrying.

Go ahead and kill it, I really couldn't care less, after all, I'm voluntarily throwing myself to the sharks.

This is a simple story of Harry goes back in time to wreak havoc on everyone that supposedly betrayed him. This story starts out simplistic and nondescript, but it grows into more, if you give it a chance, it might just surprise you. Of course, if you hate it completely, I wouldn't blame you, there are parts of it that I am not truly very proud of, but then again, there are other parts that I am proud of.

 

Aren't you contradicting yourself?

Anyways, I don't know about being nice, but I'll be polite.

First and foremost, while I am not much of a shipper, quite a few people here ship Harry/Luna or Harry/Daphne. My problem isn't that you paired them with someone else, my question is: Is there any need for so many pairings? Few authors, even the experienced ones find it hard to get the romance aspect of the story correct and you're trying for four side romances.

In the summary itself, you give that Harry traveled back in time because he committed suicide. Now, that seems so emo and doesn't really encourage towards reading the story for the readers.

Now onto the story itself, first chapter, typical characterisation of Ron and Ginny. I've seen the very same thing in more than hundred different stories. And yours isn't done differently or exceptionally that the cliche becomes immaterial, if anything, its even worse. Now, I don't really have a problem with angry and jealous Ron and Ginny and manipulative Dumbledore, but it has to be done realistically and not be bashing. Don't insert your opinions as an author about the characters into the story.

Your depiction of King's Cross is very painful. Really, there is a list and rooms for people in the after life along with security checks. I thought this was a serious story and not a parody.

I won't rate the fic, since, I haven't read it in its entirety. But you understand what the problem is.

If you're serious about writing, then I'll make a suggestion. Think about a good plot, if you're unable to come up with anything, then take a look at the challenges section. There are a few very interesting ideas.

Discuss your plot in the plot bunny thread or if you can, hop onto IRC and ask some of the veterans if they will listen to your idea and give their thoughts. Most are usually helpful. After that write the first chapter, post it in WbA, get someone to critique it extensively. There will be no doubt, mistakes, so, write again and post it. Eventually, you will find yourself improving.

 

Umm... I think maybe you are at the wrong site mate.

As for the story, I read the first 200 words or so and had to close it. Really, it's that bad.

 

*Milk explodes from nose, narrowly missing keyboard*

OT, the story looks pretty weird, and those are some wtf Junk Ship-esque pairings if I've ever seen any: as if Draco/Luna, the jerk and the girl who was harassed in Ravenclaw for five years, wasn't a fucked up enough idea we also present to you Neville/Daphne! I may attempt to read it later just for the lolz.

 

Lulz.

That was a major typo. I meant Harry/Daphne, if you didn't get it already. Post has been edited.

 

It was sunny, yet it was dark.

Harry was hungry, yet he was full.

His feet stank, but they smelled good.

Harry was sucking his own dick, yet his mouth was not full.

Not readable yet. Put some god-damned effort before you start fucking around on DLP. Just because other people write shit and upload to FFnet doesn't mean you should.

Against my better judgment, I skimmed further:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFVQyhGvSnQ

Do you understand?

 

Backwards Compatible anyone??

edit:
I gave up at chapter 6. The plot is, simply put, terrible.
The cliches with evil Weasles and Dumbledore are very poorly done, as their intelligence must be of a 5 year old retarded kid, not to mention the goddess of Chaos who speaks in Harry's mind and had given him the ability of a Seer (I ask why for fuck's sake) as well as ability to be a quick learner etc...

The only saving grace is the legibility of writing.

2/5

 

Plot is terrible. And what were you thinking when you typed Harry/Draco before you corrected it to Harry/Daphne?

Are you secretly reading that paring? I'm just curious.

<input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">

 

It wasn't the OP who accidentally typed Harry/Draco...

 

The Great One didn't give a darn about Auschwitz, but he jumps through hoops to keep ickle Harry happy? Look, if you're going to add divine intervention in a story, you better give the divinity a pretty good (read: selfish) reason.
(-1)

Overused line. Think of something else next time.


Although I didn't read the whole thing, I feel that most of everything in the fic is already used to great extent in an assortment of fics. You will find that original thoughts (and lulz) are praised in this forum.
(-3)

The only saving grace is that the spelling and grammar are good.
(+1)



2/5