Prefix: Work in Progress
Subject: Holly Evans and the Spiral Path by wordhammer - T


Title: Holly Evans and the Spiral Path
Author: wordhammer
Rating: T
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
DLP Category: For Review
Pairing: Girl!Harry/multi (femmeslash, listed as Harry/Tonks)
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Girl!Harry walks a bizarre version of Harry's life at Hogwarts, until she makes her own Mark. Darker!Everyone. Rated for unrepentent complexity, violence, sexuality and bio-squickiness.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4916690/1/Holly_Evans_and_the_Spiral_Path


Special Note: See also the companion story Spiral Tangents by wordhammer - M

Title: Spiral Tangents
Author: wordhammer
Rating: M
Genre: Horror/Humor
DLP Category: For Review
Pairing: Girl!Harry/multi (femmeslash, listed as Harry/Tonks)
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Steamy vignettes from Harry Potter story 'Holly Evans and the Spiral Path'; Rated M for sex, violence and/or weirdness. Spiral references at the top of each chapter, so you know where it fits in the story.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5073471/1/Spiral_Tangents

This story defies a few DLP Rules of Potter, but I'd think the humor and sophistication might excuse a few overused tropes.
Your scrutiny is appreciated. Let the firestorm begin.

~wh~

 

​

 

Well, that was informative.

~wh~

 

Wtf?

That said, will read, if only for a laugh. Will edit with a review.

Very boring, no hook, bland writing style, the "letters" format removes any kind of excitement the plot may have had, the letters themselves are just commentary, there is no humour to be found at all, and there are so many unexplained things (like Harry) that the reader is unable to suspend disbelief.

2/5.

 

I tried reading that a while ago. Gave up on the start of the third year when the furry/bestiality fetishism became too much to bear.

 

Untalented and pretentious.

2/5.

Edit:

I'll be damned. I was wrong.

So sophisticated. So subtle and humorous. So much showing rather than telling.

 

IM SOPHISTICATED IM GOOD AT WRITING I AM ABOVE YOUR GENERAL LIKES AND DISLIKES YOU WILL LIKE MY STORY I AM AN AMAZING WRITER BOW DOWN TO ME FUCKERS

 

That's funny. I thought I was being humble.

As for the talent/pretentious thing- I thought that was a turn-on around these parts.
It's certainly got you folks stirred up.

~wh~

 

Correct. That's precisely why we're turned off by this unsolicited misbegotten piece of shit you're trying to sell.

 

So... you came off as pretentious when you thought you were being humble.

Does anyone else fear what he's like normally?

(In before everyone else: "Probably as bad as Taure").

 

'Unsolicited'- that's not a crime, as this is a forum not a gentlemen's club. Also, I was invited to post by another member.

'trying to sell'- also not relevant, as you pay nothing to read a rec. If the description threw you off, you've lost no more time than it takes to weed out little dancing bananas from your concentration.

I doubt you've read the story to any point where a fair evaluation can be made, as I only offered it for consideration a few hours ago.

Please choose a different weapon.
~wh~

 

I dunno, a gentleman's club sounds a pretty accurate description of DLP. Also, learn to take language less literally. Words often have more than one meaning, you know. In this case, "sell" was used to mean something along the lines of "aggressively promote".

...the first chapter is enough to learn that you're a terrible writer.

 

You're taking nice and long to come up with your comebacks.

I'm not going to discourse with you if you're going to ignore the meaning of my statements and treat them as if they were meant literally. Can you not recognize the spirit of the words? Are you not a native speaker?

The member who invited you probably shouldn't be here.

I've seen your story spamming the FFnet front page several times now. I've read up to chapter eight, and it doesn't improve.

I'll give it to you straight: Your story is shit. If you think writing an entire story using a sparingly and judiciously used framing device equates to inventiveness and sophistication, you're mistaken

That's as long as my good grace lasts in regard to fanfiction.

Edit:

Note: I do not mean it is literally shit, it's just horrible. Didn't want any misunderstandings there.

See? I can be accommodating.

 

Probably as bad as Fuck, you beat me to it.

Butthurt much? Also, this pathetic attempt at humor is both why you think your story is funny, and the very reason it is not. A character being droll can be quite funny in small doses, whereas writing a character as being dickish and still making it funny is far harder to pull off.

I hate to break it to you, but whoever told you to put your story here was trolling you, us or both. Good show, come to think of it; care to share his or her name?

Fucking LAWL.

 

Oh. I just posted to the wrong space. Sorry folks. I was hoping for some constructive guidance and whatnot but this isn't that.

This seems more like the meatgrinder you place a story before hopefully launching your career as the next Chuck Palahniuk. I finally get the pretentious thing.
Cool.

You guys are funny.

So, to answer the fair criticisms, I'll post this:
This is my first story. I chose the journal format as a crutch because I didn't think my descriptions were up to snuff. The first chapters ARE weak shit. I haven't gone back to change that simply because it makes sense that a distrusting 11 year old wouldn't be an amazing prose writer and the first year is really boring. i took my digs against canon and moved on. Chapter 8 is the first point in the story where I was confident enough to take it seriously, thus the first chapter with any emotional depth. Then of course I swung into trees with the squick.
If you have any interest in seeing a better sample of my writing, try chapter 12.
As for the summary- I already know the story is going to distasteful to 90% of readers. A little sensationalism is how I draw in a few more readers.

Therefore, to Andromalius: guilty as charged. I'm selling shit. If you have time, please describe the texture, aroma and consistency as you see fit.

I won't say who referred me here as his intentions were either honest or subversive. If the former I'm not feeding him to you. If the latter, I'm not feeding him accolades.

Lastly, as the early stuff doesn't capture the humor, I offer this excerpt from Chapter 19:

"Why am I what?"
"Squicking. A squeamish ick-response. When something you see or hear about offends your comfortable reality enough that you feel like you're sucking on one of Professor Dumb's lemon drops too hard. Like this!"
I scrunched up my face and lips in that exaggerated sour flavor reaction you see cartoon characters make.
"Holly, there is no such word. Use another."
"This one works fine, thank you."
"You can't simply make up words! There must be a word or phrase that describes that without making up something that sounds so ...silly!"
"You may be experiencing squick as we speak."
"No I am not! Simply because there is no such thing!"
"Oh, surely! I can even expand its use! Squickiness; an event or series of events that induce squick! Squick squawk: wherein a person audibly responds to their squick with a squeak!"
Hermione stood up from our worktable and turned toward me, placing her hands at her hips to let me know she had a Declaration.
"Language isn't like that!"
I stood up as well, as form demanded.
"Have you been in the same Runes class I have? Language is exactly like that! Before there was writing, there was "Oooh!" which meant 'Good' and "Aaah!" which meant 'Run or we'll be eaten!'. Then some brilliant male proto-ape said "Uhhhhh, heh, heh" which meant 'Hey, baby can I plow your flower patch?'. Language evolved right then as the female proto-apes got together to figure out how to rate him as a prospect. With each nuance that was undefined, they had to invent a new word to distinguish a new meaning. So long as they all agreed "Unk-Unk" meant 'too many parasites', they were communicating. It only took a few generations for the males to catch on."
Hermione shut her eyes tightly and started to shake her head slowly.
"This offends me on so many levels."
I moved forward and put my hand on her shoulder.
"I feel your squick, sister."
Hermione glared at me and growled in frustration, clear indication that I was winning. That's when I started taunting her a little.
"Squick, squickem, squicker, squick-squicking, squick squickum!"

~wh~

 

I know its hard living in his shadow.

 

Yes, you did! And I thank you for it.


Y'know, it might make it simpler to just explain the story.

Holly= Harry + Lily. Lily Evans Potter was handed a scroll about a rune empowered by sacrifice to protect her targeted-by-destiny son and modified it to sacrifice her life and soul. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Sucks that her memories didn't come along for the ride.

(Thank you jbern for the idea.)


~wh~