The Skitterleap seemed more about the battles, a la Dresden Files inspiration I suspect, than plot. Loved the battle with the russian guy. The one Harry knocked down with a silver bullet to the chest.

 

Not going to argue that, cheddar. I agree. Now allow me to clarify. What I meant was that nmb's battles I thought were inspired from DF, an incorrect assumption Oz pointed out.

What I was trying to imply was the Skitterleap was more battle oriented that plot orientated.

 

I don't know about that. There's an emphasis on adrenaline, but I don't think it's overwhelming. The thing that most people call me out on is that there's at least one fight scene in every chapter, but each chapter is 10k words long. If I'd made them 3k long as I'd originally intended, they'd have only been one every three or thereabouts.

There's plot there, there's even characters, it's just buried beneath an awful lot of action.

 

That's true for the first book. It's impressive how there are truly heartfelt moments in such a high-voltage war story, like

It's very honest, and it was uncanny how I've done the exact same thing when I reconciled with someone close to me.

But these are more like surprise moments, different than the norm. Your treatment of Cho exemplifies the approach to, if not characterization, then at least to building relationships.

You get my point? The transitions are jarring, no doubt done intentionally, and the effect of this very fast tempo is that it portrays Cho as this exotic and alluring figure like the femme fatales of film noir, but she's every bit as wooden.

Then she supplants Fleur as the love interest? I'm not a fanboy of either character, but it's genuinely confusing that the girl with a few hundred words with her, at most, replaced Fleur like that.

Not that his relationship with Fleur had much substance either. He goes from missing her in Neboo to engagement, everything's secure so far, then to marriage and impending divorce in the blink of an eye.

Where was it in the first place? It's alluded to, yes, but it's hard to accept Harry's melancholy and Fleur's tears when you haven't laid so much of the groundwork. The scene was still intense and I sympathized with Fleur immensely, but it's due to the strength of writing alone, and how seriously you portrayed Harry's unfaithfulness instead of him just sleeping around as in a less mature fic.

The first book finished on such a fantastic note, and natural expectations fall toward the Empire being realized and shown in a non-wartime setting. Harry as the hero gradually being forgotten, trying to make amends with his father, and the painful drifting apart between him and Fleur. Then we get a very blatant DresdenFiles!Harry. It's strange how these things happen.

To conclude, I wish the story was less arbitrary. In the beginning, plunging the reader into the middle of an entirely altered world in the thick of the action and desperate for any information about these unfamiliar circumstances worked, was understandable, and was exciting and even wondrous.

But having it happen twice in the same story is annoying. Disorienting readers like this for the sake of doing it and generating more suspense or whatever isn't something you should get in a habit of doing.

I'm not criticizing the current plot. It's exciting, and I want to read more of Harry's ridiculously high-stakes journey. But it seems that a sizeable chunk of the story is missing. If he'd arrived at it more naturally you'd have a better-defined Empire as a setting, the mystery of Eurynome and the angels and demons unraveled compelling as Harry learns of their existence, and there wouldn't be any faultlines in the characters.

If you were any other person I'd say you were backing off from revealing more about the Empire. Instead, we're offered angels and demons, which I can safely say are not the most fascinating reading material. The only connection to them is through Eurynome, about whom little that was useful was explained or implied.

So alternate history Empire > supernatural beings.

I don't think it comes down to preference - the time-skip has tangible effects on the storyline, characterizations, and relationships.

To try and make this claim more tenable, I will refer back to the first quote, of Harry's reaction to James offering the hand of reconciliation.

Then another dimension is added, that James is just trying to turn him against Riddle, tainting that moment of joy and hope. This was the emotional capital of the story, and had the makings of a complex relationship between the two Potters as Harry tries to search for any signs of ulterior motives.

Then James's dead in the first chapter of the sequel. What now? Either the relationship development is outright jettisoned, or it's done via flashback.

The same applies to Harry and Fleur, and Harry and Cho.

Harry, Riddle, Fleur, and James are the real characters so far. But the relationships between them matter too, and the time-skip disrupts all of that.

 

UPDATED with many thanks to Andro c:

I'd just like to thank you for your constructive criticism.

I've spent the last couple of months really loathing working on The Skitterleap altogether and couldn't for the life of me figure out why. But now I think you've essentially hit the nail on the head.

Thankfully, I think your interjection came in just enough time for me to turn this around and still make something of the second book that lives up to the first.

You've managed to give me some much better ideas than what I was running with and highlighted the major problems I had. Primarily that I approached the second book as though it were an entirely different story, which I realise now I've done without really intending to do so.

So, once again, thanks a bunch dude, it's really appreciated.

Also, this would have been a post on the thread in question, but I've got 999 posts and I'm saving my 1000th for a major Skitter update, which hopefully thanks to you will be much more satisfying to write now ;D

<3 enembee

 

For what it's worth, this is now considered complete.

I've absolutely no plans to finish By Heaven and Hell, completely lost all interest in the plot, the characters, the grand scheme of things. So I've decided to prune the three chapters that were there and just leave it as is.

Pretty much the only thing I've not completely lost interest in is the world itself, so there will eventually be some form of conclusion to the whole thing, perhaps an extended one-shot or something.

As it is, for now, this is The Skitterleap over and done with. I apologise to anyone who might have got embroiled in the story of the second volume. Harsh tokes, I suppose.

Peace.

 

I personally loved the first one, but thought it did well as a stand-alone tale without sequels.

And, tbh, I prefer By The Divining Light and Conlaodh's Song by far.

But maybe that's just me.

 

Just found Skitterleap, and maybe because I found it complete and not halfway through a sequel, but I loved it. A clear 5/5, with impressive fight scenes, great character re-imaginings and an intriguing plot. It had one or two errors, such as the Cho character who kind of confused me, but the sheer awesomeness of the Empire and the character's roles within them clearly made up for it.

Very disappointed to see that the sequel has been abandoned, but If enembees sick of it, who am I to complain. Now, as enembee has proven what a good author he is, its time to read the rest of his work.