"Wormtail! What have you done?!"

"Maybe it was bone of the father..."

 

Oke doke; 1.2k words in two hours. Unfortunately, by the time I come to post the fucker, I find out it's already been done by Seratin.

How very annoying. I'll post anyway, because it was my first TGYH challenge response and also my first ever attempt at a comedy (so likely not funny), and then I'll browse Vash's post for a challenge that's actually not been completed yet :facepalm

=:=:=:=:=

"Hi guys - " started Harry, before stopping nervously.

Ginny was in the compartment. Ginny... and Dean. Harry cleared his throat and with a forced smile he clenched his teeth, a stomach-monster threatening to burst from his lips.

"I'll - uh - I'll find another compartment."

"Nonsense," said Luna, who Harry hadn't even realised was there. "There's plenty of room. Budge up, Neville."

Brilliant, thought Harry, nodding a hello at Neville, Seamus and Colin Creevey. A million witnesses to the inevitable escape of the beast from within.

"Hi Harry!" said the Creevey and - great, Ginny's progressed from staring into Dean's eyes to staring into Harry's.

She smiled a hello. The stomach monster burbled.

"Hi - But no, it's alright - "

"What're you doing, Harry?" asked Ron, dragging two trunks up the corridor before peering in. "Hi guys!"

"Hi Ron," they chorused.

"Hands off my sister, Dean!"

Harry winced. Shut up Ron, he begged silently, you have no soul.

"Budge in then, Harry," said the sidekick. "Could you dump mine and Her Royal Highnesses' trunks up on the rack? I'm late to the prefects compartment."

Eyes anywhere other than Dean's hands, Harry nodded, grateful to busy his own. He picked up his own trunk and practically threw it on the rack over Dean's head, before grabbing Hermione's. Ron and Seamus were laughing goofily at something Luna had said about the weather - in all honesty, a perfectly sane comment - when he hoisted 'Her Highness'' trunk up and pushed it onto the rack.

"Harry - " Ginny tried to warn him as he turned. Though of course, at the sound of her voice, he turned faster... only to pull Hermione's trunk down on top of him.

He ended up on the floor of the compartment, covered in his friend's clothes and a healthy quantity of enormous books, the button-hole of his robe having caught the latch on her trunk. Thank God she's not here, he thought, hastily shovelling the bossy girl's spare robes, muggle clothes and underwear back in.

The others were torn between laughing and trying to help, though to their credit, Ron and Ginny were doing both. Still in a tangle of paper and cloth, a very red Harry avoided the former's eyes as he tried to fit the library of books back into Hermione's trunk.

"What in Merlin's name - ?" came from Ron, and one by one the others turned to him.

Harry did last, and wished he hadn't. Ron was holding a giant orange dildo.

Ho - ly - shit.

Ron was chuckling, which was by far the most peverse reaction imaginable, and he shook it to demonstrate its floppiness.

"Oh God," Harry heard Dean breathe.

"Why does Hermione have a practise wand?" snorted Ron, giving it another determined little wobble. "A really rubbishly made one and all."

For a moment nobody spoke.

"Merlin's Balls, Ron," Seamus breathed. "Put it back."

"Why?" he asked, confused but still smiling. A glint came into his eye. "I'm going to tease her with it - "

"NO!" Dean and Harry roared at the same time, but Ginny did one better by leaping at her brother.

Which made everything worse, because now Ron held a giant orange dildo above his head, the colour clashing horribly with his hair as it wobbled around, as Ginny jumped up and down in front of him.

"Hello Hagrid!" Luna said brightly, cutting over the screeches, and Harry turned to see her waving out of the window at a dead-still Hagrid, who was staring back in.

'What the fu - ' Hagrid was clearly mouthing as Neville quietly closed the blinds and the train began to move.

"Give it to me, Ron!" screamed Ginny, knocking him out of the compartment with a shove.

"No! It's funny!" said Ron, looking annoyed and still waving the dildo around to keep it out of reach of his sister.

"Well, well, well - if it isn't the blood traitors!" said a voice from the corridor.

Harry groaned, pushing his face into his hands, at the sound of Draco's voice.

"Shove off, Malfoy - Furnunculus!" Ron shouted, aiming the dildo at Malfoy. "It doesn't work - "

There was silence as Ron shook the dildo, attempting to make some magic come out of it. A low buzz cut through the quiet.

"Mother of God," breathed Seamus.

"Why is it vibrating?" whined Ron, holding the dildo to his eye.

"Because it's a dildo, Ron," said Luna. "It's a dildo."

"A what?"

"This is the best day of my life," said Malfoy.

"Give me the dildo," hissed Ginny. "Give it to me."

"Yes, Ron," said Dean, straining not to laugh. "Give the dildo to your sister."

"Why?" asked Ron, now looking angry. He waved the offending implement at Malfoy. "What does it do?"

"Well - " began Luna.

"NO!" Harry roared, shooting to his feet. "Ron - for fuck's sake, give me the dildo."

"I can't believe Harry just said 'dildo'," Colin whispered behind him.

"Is that Creevey?" Draco asked gleefully. "Do you have your camera handy?"

"Ron, I swear on all that's holy, give the dildo to either me or Ginny, then go away and forget this ever happened."

"What does it do?" Ron asked, his jaw setting stubbornly as he held up the vibrating toy.

"It's for the vagina!" screamed Ginny. "It's for Hermione's VAGINA."

It took the boy a moment, but as soon as his brain registered the fact, he thrust the dildo at his sister's face, promptly breaking her nose.

"Ron!" shouted Dean, standing, but Harry's eyes were on the dildo that was spiralling over his head.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FOR HERMIONE'S VAGINA!?" roared Ron, his voice carrying down the train. "WHY IS IT ORANGE?"

The compartment erupted in shouts as the orange dildo landed in Seamus' lap. He handed it quietly to Harry before pulling out a hip-flask.

"You broke your sister's nose!" Dean shouted, cradling Ginny's head.

Ron was still roaring, a look of pure panic in his eye, as Ginny's mumbled Bat-Bogey-Hex hit him in the face. He went down screaming as aggressive orange bogeys, the result of the bungled curse, filled his vision.

Neville was shouting too, but Harry didn't know at who. Luna had taken the hip-flask from Seamus and was gargling some of the contents. Draco was still shouting euphorically about the best day of his life. Luna passed the hip flask to a wide-eyed Colin.

Harry busied himself with packing the rest of Hermione's trunk at record speed, before lifting it onto the seat and, after some stealthy sleight-of-hand involving a foot-long orange dildo, closing the latches. Careful of his button holes he lifted the trunk and pushed it gingerly onto the rack before promptly collapsing, shoving his hands into his pockets.

=:=:=:=:=

After twenty loud minutes during which Hermione had fortunately not shown up, Ginny and Dean had disappeared to have her nose repaired in the train toilet, a traumatised Ron was having the botched curse removed by the Head Boy with a still-jeering Draco for company, Colin and Neville had fled the compartment and Luna, Harry and Seamus stared at whatever they could to avoid looking into each others' eyes.

Seamus, at one point, looked to be about to snigger, but quickly drowned it in the last of the firewhisky he had with him.

"I can't wait until Christmas," commented Luna airily. "The chance to catch some real Nargles."

Seamus nodded dumbly. Harry, comforted that the rest of the train ride would pass with less incident, patted the dildo that was safely back in his pocket.

That had been far too close for comfort.

=:=:=:=:=

 

That actually made me laugh, GL. Wow. Wasn't expecting that - I'm usually not a fan of that sort of humour, but you handled it well. Good work.

 

Washington, Washington,
twelve stories high, made of radiation,
present beware, future beware,
He's coming, He's coming, He's coming.
Did I mention his four nuts, well he also had four dicks
if you took off his boots, you could see the dicks, growing off his feet,
I heard the motherfucker had like...40 goddamn dicks.

​

 

Surprisingly good considering the virtually unfunny premise. I laughed out loud at:

Good look.

 

Other than Dimension Hopping for Beginners, that's the only time I've ever laughed at gay!Harry. Excellent work.

Like Averis, I too found Malfoy's comment was funny as fuck, but my LOL happened with

 

Shit, that hilarious. At many, many points.

 

Hey all,
I've been getting back into writing fanfics, seeing as I'm all graduated/unemployed and whatnot. I'd be interested in accepting my first ever TGYH challenge if someone tosses one my way.
Much appreciated.

---------- Post automerged at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:12 PM ----------

Hey all,
I've been getting back into writing fanfics, seeing as I'm all graduated/unemployed and whatnot. I'd be interested in accepting my first ever TGYH challenge if someone tosses one my way.
Much appreciated.

 

There's plenty of outstanding challenges still lying around. Pick up one of those, faggot.

 

I agree. Haven't seen a good challenge written on this thread in a while. Get writing! :awesome

 

"What the hell, Harry?! That was my broom!"

Harry paused, peeking out from the side of the canvas. “And it’s your arse. I really don’t see any problem here.” But Ron continued to grumble. It was irritating. As he stepped back, trying to take the entire tableau of his canvas in, Ron’s insistent complaints borrowed into his mind.

“Ron,” he shouted, resisting the urge to march over there and paint his friend’s horrible hair red…der. “If you don’t shut up right now…”

“You put my broom up my arse!”

“From what Hermione tells me, it’s not the only thing that goes there.”

Ron mouth gaped, before flushing. “Bloody woman!” he said, shaking his behind, trying to ease the pressure. Then, hesitantly, “You two talk about that…”

Harry shrugged, putting aside the palette and his wand. It had a bunch of hair attached to one end, like a little tail. “You know how competitive she can be.”

Ron felt nothing but confused. “Competitive?”

Harry smirked. “Well, I told her how I was fucking your sister up the pooper a couple of months ago.”

Revulsion spread upon Ron’s face, “Ginny…ugg…” But then, like a revelation, his eyes snapped wide open. “But that’s when Hermione first…”

“Made you her backdoor bitch?” Harry generously offered.

Ron nodded, his head dropping. And the manner in which Harry had restrained him upon the table ensured that with the slight slouch in the posture of the upper body, the back was thrust upwards, as if being offered.

Then his head went back up, eyes wide again. “But we’ve been doing,” he breathlessly began.

“A lot of shit.” Harry threw back as he picked his paints up again.

Ron’s affirmation was mostly a grunt.

“A hella of a lot of shit.” The chuckle was evident this time, and Ron’s reply was almost an animal like growl.

Distaste mixed with amusement, two highly contrasting colors, sprayed themselves over Harry’s face. “I’ve been told. Loudly.”

“Does that mean you’ve been…” Ron trailed off, stunned in horror.

Harry stood for a moment and contemplated the best shade for Ron’s arse.

When no reply was forthcoming, he decided to give his poor friend some respite. “Doing them to your sister too—” The perfect color struck him, and he went mute, as it felt like the whole picture was finally coming together.

But Ron was squirming in his place.

“Ron,” Harry snapped, “Will you stop disturbing me!”

Incredulous eyes started up at him. “You’ve been fucking my sister and –”

“Exactly like Hermione’s been fucking you.” Harry didn’t get the point. He’d not done anything to Ginny that Hermione hadn’t to Ron, probably harder and longer, though; it was that competitive spirit of hers that he found most endearing.

“—and you want me to stop it? I’ll kill you!”

The anger, Harry decided, made his butt wiggle exactly like he needed it too. He was undulating, as if these were ropes he could somehow escape, and the broom in his arse seemed to be thrusting into him, in and out, in and out. It reminded him quite a lot of Ginny’s. He’d often noticed how similar an arse the two had.

So had Hermione.

“I think,” he announced, “Hermione will love this painting, don’t you?”

She had always liked her men in Quidditch gear.

-*-

Crack fic to crank up the old (inconsistent) juices.

 

...what the fuck.

 

And here I thought saying that would just seem rude. Well, seconded.

 

I lolpalmed.

Well written though.

More challenges need to be taken up. Especially by all these critics - ever heard the term 'legless men at the races'?

Oh, darn, look at that. Left my gauntlet lying out there on the floor.

 

You know how I know you're gay? You wrote a decent (grammatically, flow-wise...) story for TGYH with the biggest homo vibes I've ever seen from DLP. And to think of the splinters >_<

But at least nobody turned into a penis.

 

So I can assume any challenge in this thread is fair game?

 

I'll admit the writing was decent, but it was a tad confusing and weird. And very gay. Like, why is Harry even doing a nude of Ron in the first place? And with a broom up his ass...?

 

I think you just tripped over the gauntlet that I so carelessly left on the floor over there.

Someone ought to pick that up.

 

I saw it - and yeah, I can't write humor for shit. Is your phrase "legless men at the races"? I'd have a hard time integrating that with Harry Potter.