Title: Life of Harry
Author: redfury200
Rating: M
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
DLP Category: Fantasy
Pairing: No pairings
Status: work in progress
Summary: Harry's life isn't ideal. His arrogant BWl brother and mother hate him while His Father neglects him. so when Harry get's a letter to attend a prestegious school in rome, life is finally looking up.
Link: http://m.fanfiction.net/s/6976185/1/


Added Note: I accidently posted before adding the requirements. Please harsh but noble reviewers of DLP, dont burn me alive with Flames, I'll grovel before you in my unworthiness if you'll spare me!

This is my first real attempt at writing fanfiction, and I'm hoping the experienced reviewers and critics of DLP can help me hone my novincial skills. I expect harsh critisism, you're feared for a reason.

---------- Post automerged at 10:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:10 PM ----------

i actually google'd it. It came up as an actual word, but my grammer has always sucked so.....

 

"Novincial" isn't a word. I suggest you start there.

 

Unless Harry tried to smother his brother in his sleep when they were younger he shouldn't be treated like that. It's a bad cliché in these fics. Try harder to make his family into human beings and create some real conflict.

Uber mystery school is also meh. Hogwarts has been around for about 1,000 years. I think they are the high standard for education (DADA is a special case with the curse).

It needs some serious work. Needs more originality imo. WBA is where you want to go if you want some real help writing.

 

Oh, boy. I've got a feeling that this ain't going to end well.

 

I'm very afraid right now that I'll have a vagina when this is done from all of the postings. God help me.

 

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Yea it won't.

QFT

 

@Anarchy: Having fun with those aren't you?

You fucked up the first post with just the link, but this was remedied by the next one. Also, begging us for critique for your story in For Review is bad, auto-merging two posts is also bad. As a member, you have a lot yet to learn.

As to the story, I'll be nice and not base my judgment of it from your posts.

Advice? Learn to capitalize and make is consistent. School names require it, as well as book names. All caps are bad, even if Rowling used it in canon. One of her weaker moments.

There are a number of cliches in there that you aren't making interesting. The long list of subjects was too much of an info dump, as well as his parents ignoring him. To be honest I only read as far as his father's reaction to the letter. Nothing really pulled me forward.

The school in Rome does sound somewhat interesting, but I didn't feel you would be able to pull it off based on what I read.

There is a slight plus. It is readable, just not very well handled. You can string a few sentences together without a problem. If I were to rate it(I won't without having read what is there) I would say a 2/5 because it's legible, just not terribly well put together.

Go back through and seriously edit it, then post it in WBA as linked above. You might get help, but I think you'll just get flamed. They tend to do that here to people who don't even try to read the rules of the board.

Off topic: It seems many of the new stories in For Review are begging for stricter limits on who can post in there. It almost seems like an epidemic at this point.

 

Thank you iLost. I'll be working on it much further and editing pretty much everything. This (life of Harry) was the sixth draft. The first featured a cliched Harry is unloved and becomes a slytherin, while the second and third were similair. The fourth and fifth were based around the idea of what would happen if dumbledore immediately killed gridelwald. I am considering editing and using that version instead, as it's a better story in my opinion.

 

I'm 90% certain we're being trolled in an attempt to show how much better off we would be with a minimum post count limit on posting fics in For Review.

Well played. This is a very effective tactic.

 

So, I actually read it. I'll say it now: That was a mistake.

I'll start off by saying how incredibly disappointed I am that this wasn't a crossover with Life of Brian.

Secondly, the characters suck. Horribly. Owen is Dudley. Lilly is Petunia. James is actually a decent person, actually seems supportive of Harry, and yet doesn't do a damn thing about his treatment. The younger siblings are pointless throw-away characters. The Headmistress of the new school with a stupid name is probably the best of the bunch, because she had so few lines it couldn't be fucked up. Harry's new best friend, despite living in Italy for all of his life, has inexplicably met Owen previously, and hates him as much as Harry himself. They have a nice chuckle over Owen giving autographs oblviated!Lockheart style. I won't bother criticizing Harry's characterization, it's just that bad.

Third, this thing has nearly every cliche (relevant to this genre) in the book, and the ones that it doesn't, it just hasn't had enough time for yet. Uber!wand? Check. Magical heir of some excessively powerful historical figure? Check. New school that's explicitly stated to be better then Hogwarts in every way? Check. At least one parent hates him for no reason? Check, although James seems to be the fair one in this, which I haven't personally seen before.

Fourth, everything else. Numbers are used instead of spelling it out. Some of the required books are ridiculous for an eleven year old (Sun Tzu's The Art of War, Machiavelli's The Prince). Apparently a muggle lab coat is better then anything the wizarding world has, and Snape wrote a beginner's potions book. There's a reference to Ender's Game (on the required book list, Andrew Wiggin's Battle Ready) that really isn't that bad, but it comes as completely jarring since I actually know who Andrew Wiggin is, and it serves no apparent purpose.

:facepalm/5

 

Another useless twinfic with an emotionally abused Harry and James/Lily from hell.

I'd like to pop out my eyes after reading this. Why must every 12 year old with an inferiority complex try to write a shitty "story" like this? And what about capitalization and proper use of adjectives? Finally, why regurgitate such a nasty and old cliche at all?

My advise: Either you keep your shit to ff.net and gobble up the praise of the mindless hordes or you rewrite this and post it in the WBA section. Preferably the former.

 

Your ff.net pen name is 'redfury200'. Your DLP username is 'refury200' :facepalm

 

Ugh, I know this is more semantics, but novincial definitely isn't a word. When I googled it, the only "source" is a section in the Urban Dictionary. You know it ain't good when the post you made comes third in the google search.

Secondly, please stop with the begging and the self-deprecating ass-kissing; it really makes you look pathetic. The reason that most of the people here will tear you a new asshole regardless of how your story is written (which, coincidentally, is horrible), is because you lacked the either the intelligence or care to post according to the rules.

Now, onto the story, shall we?

I'll just quickly echo the previous sentiments regarding proper punctuation, spelling, grammar, and capitalization. Another thing is that you don't seem to understand the difference between you're and your: your is used possessively, as in "your coat" or "your car", while you're is a contraction of "you are".

The dialogue is simply awful. It's very stilted, and every time Harry speaks it's as if he is a robot with pre-programmed responses.

You've shown that Harry can do basic math, congratulations! If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have known that Harry wasn't retard who just happens to get scholarships. Thank god for this.

Date rape is wrong, Ollivander. You can't play with Mr. Potter's "wand" and expect him not to say anything about it.


If you actually want to continue writing this, I would suggesting getting a beta ASAP. Even then, you'd have to fix a whole hell of a lot of things to make it garner even an at least a 3/5 on this site. In my honest opinion, you might want to read some actual published fiction (or even some of the better fanfiction recommended on this site) and study the styles of writing there.

One more thing, you can pretty much ignore 95% of all the reviews given on FF.net, as anything that people post on that site will have at least three or four reviews saying how amazing it is and how they can't wait for more.

1/5 for being the usual drivel found on FF.net

I simply can't express how fitting this is. :facepalm

 

I think I lost the ability to sit after the comments. I've lurked enough on this site to know this pretty much always happens. So I ass-kiss the pompous lot of you in the hopes that you guys would be slightly nicer, so it was obviously a mistake to stroke egos. The majority of you guys are assholes, but I rather spend time on a forum with a bunch of assholes than pussyfoots who walk around a subject and spout nothing but praise. I want to be a good writer, not a generic cliched one. So thanks assholes of DLP.

 

Know how I know you're full of shit?

'Cause if you'd actually lurked enough, you would have known to stay out of here until you had successfully run the Work By Author gauntlet. You're not going to get much constructive criticism in For Review; you will, however, get flamed to hell and back - no pun intended.

If you are truly interested in being a better writer, go read the greats of the Library and the worst fics of the Recycling Bin, then travel your ass on over to WBA. That way, you'll know where our standards of quality are at and what to do in order to avoid stupid cliches. Consider this a learning experience.

 

Be that as it may, we don't want to spend time on a forum with you. Also what Swim said. I call bullshit on you being a longtime lurker. If in fact you are, than you're just too stupid to let live and you can kindly fuck right off.

And to make this nominally a review, I provide the following constructive criticism.

Your story fucking sucks. It is terribly written cliche fest. You exclusively use awful and pointless plot devices. Your characterization ranges from merely bad to unmitigatedly atrocious. None of your characters act their age, or even sound like their age.

It's an unsalvageable piece of shit.

 

im here to stay. i've dealt with mean-spirited comments my whole life, and im thicker skinned than to let some unoriginal and crappy jibe by a douchebag like you make me leave.

i admit my story sucks, and im working on it. i posted this here, not because im desperate for praise but so i could get suggestions and reviews to better myself as an auther.

so instead of just making fun of a percieved image you have of me, you can make fun of my crappy cliched story so i can make it better.