Could you please add which DLP category you want this in? Technically the thread should be deleted (see the stickies) because it doesn't have the category but I'm in a good mood.

 

Didn't see that part of the stickies, so I apologize. (Thank god you're in a good mood ^_^ )

The Restricted Section would probably best as there is NC-17 stuff coming up in the next chapter. (As well as the following chapters)

 

that was a good start to what i hope will be a good story. Good fight scenes and an interesting idea with voldy ressurecting harrys friends, even though they are uber poweful. Keep it up.

 

Wow...just WOW! That was pretty much the best prologue I've ever read.
I will be keeping my eyes on this gem in the future!

 

Good stuff, Thalaian. Very very interesting. I can't wait for the update.

 

It is Good. It REALLY is. But in my opinion, its REALLY REALLY long winded for a single chapter. I believe it could have been cut down to three chapters or so and been just as good.

In this case, too much is as bad as too little. Ill be honest and say i skipped around quite a bit. I started reading and it was good but it would get to the point that I just wanted it ot be over.

But I agree with alot of what the others said. My only advice is try to stay away from japanophelia, kung-fu-ism, and cliches and shorten up your chapters just a bit.

Thumb up.

 

I am sorry about the length, it is a lot to ask people to sit down and read something for an hour, especially when they've got lives to lead.

Unfortunately the second chapter is starting to end up as long as the first, simply because there is still so much that needs to be covered, while staying in the format I have planned.

The following chapters after the second should be shaved quite a bit though since I've got school and work to contend with, and most of the major set up's will have already been covered.

Either way your guys' feedback is always appreciated.

 

I didn't mind the length so much as what Vash and a couple of others have noted about the hand-to-hand fighting.

My main problem is just how those characters seem so over powered and normal Aurors/DEs would be overshadowed as if they don't matter.

 

I will correct Vash on one point, as rampant Japanophilia is in fact a very good thing.

 

The begging was remarkably well written, and I enjoyed it immensely. While I am not all for the "God like powered Harry/Voldemort" you still wrote it out impressively, and I enjoyed it.

The purely hand-to-hand fighting style we saw from Harry, kinda got on my nerves, as after all, he is a "wizard".....enough said on that.

The resurrected beings, was a good idea, and I laughed rather hard at the fact of Ginny going from a perfect little girl friend to a slut. It was I must say rather amusing.

I also enjoyed the people that you have selected for being the ones Harry is going to get. I recognize quite a few of there names, and I must say I am impressed, they are quite well thought out.

Voldedmort's attitude from what we saw little of in this first chapter, well done, I couldn't be more proud of the dark little guy. He is my hero!

The one negative turn on I have for this story, and stories like it is the "wandless magic". The reason being, the whole concept of wandless magic just plain pisses me off.

For instance, where does it ever say in the books, that wandless magic is capable of doing such godly feats such as they are using. And if wandless magic is such a powerful subject, why arent all normal wizards capable of using it?

They are capable of performing "accidental" or I suppose you could say "wandless" magic when they are younger. But what happens? Do they loose the power as they grow older? Loose brain cells so that only the extraordinary few can do it?

Quite frankly, the only thing I see wandless magic being able to accomplish is like in the third movie, when Dumbledore is giving his opening speech. And he waves his hands and the "candles" go out, not the whole bloody hall. And then of course, waving them again and they go back on, but from what I have read in the books, I see nothing that proves that wandless magic is capable of doing anything most people have it do.

And I'm sorry, I just can't see people who go to school, and learn all their "silly wand waving, or funny incantations in this class" to take from our dear loved Professor Snape. (Hope I got it right, haven't heard it in a long while.)

I mean, if they have to go to school and learn all the proper minds sets, and correct ways in which they have to wave their sticks, I can't see them being able to do wandless magic. And even if they can learn some, surely not of such feats.

Anyway, sorry about the rant, I guess your story just pushed my "wandless magic" annoyance to the top. But apart from the mentioned above, I have no problems with the story, keep up the good work. 4/5

 

Wow, great just... great. Is Harry going to remain weaker than Hermione? Like some information on him being a relative pussy and all.

Edit: Forgot, what about the whole fighting his dark magic thing?

 

Chapter 1 is up in FFNet. The Unedited version is at FicWad.

I'll throw a few things out here pertaining to the story and myself as an author that I didn't add to the Author's Notes since DLP is a bit more helpful as far as honesty and help is concerned.

After reading a few of the reviews I took a couple weeks, sat back, revised my storyline a bit, tweaked a few things here and there, and hopefully it will turn out for the better

Thanks IP for pointing out that Amelia died in HBP. I completely forgot that she was mentioned being offed when the Minister's were speaking. But seeing as she's still dead either way, I figured I'd leave it be.

I've got a few major faults that I'll point out now, just so everyone understands where my mindset comes from. I'm a crazy aritist by trade and this probably leads me to paint with a lot of words more often then I should. Not really an accomplished author like most people on this site, so this story is an entirely new venture for me. Unfortunately that leaves me more prone to cliche's and certain things that normal DLP authors probably wouldn't go for, and I gotta apologize for that.

I pulled back the 'kung-fu' a bit but I'm still going to keep the physical fighting aspect around. A bit more mixed with magic.

I know some people are expressing concern about Voldemort and Co. being too powerful. I guess my only reasoning for that is something that I learned when I took a penciling class-internship at a Top Cow Studios (The people who produce the comicbook WitchBlade) in LA under Marc Silvestri. One of the things he talked about, as far as storytelling (Even though it was comic stories, I think it can really be applied to anything) goes that really stuck with me was that 'To have an interesting and compelling hero, is to have a villain that is twice as insidious and dangerous'. Almost his exact words as he repeated them constantly, so I've kind of stayed true that advice. I'm sorry if that turns anyone off of the story, but at least you know where I get it from.

Also (Since Vash thinks he's special ) I've added a break in the chapter because of it's length. It's a midway mark and you press CTRL F to bring up the search page bar, then just type in (1). This gives people a place to stop and come back at a later date if they don't feel like reading it all at once. I know I probably could have broken it up into two chapters, but I want to keep a format for the first 7 (One woman per chapter). After that, I'll definitely break them up if they start getting too long.

It was a little rough at first, reading some people's comments on here coupled with base insecurities about posting something for the public. Sometimes there's a tendency to feel a bit put down when someone rags something they didn't particularly like, and a few times I had to remind myself that it's honest critiscm, and in the end it will make me a better author. So thanks again, even if you liked it or you didn't, I really couldn't ask for much better as far as critique's come.

Now that I've gotten all WAFFy and pussified myself for the day, I'm gonna go eat a piece of rare prime rib and beat my chest. Might even leave the toilet seat up...

 

Oh. My. God.

I think I love you. Chapter 2 is fucking sweet. I can't wait for more.

A couple tiny, tiny boo-boos: Harry's scar was a Samhain present. 31, not the first. Of course that's probably just a typo. A to/too mix-up, and a punctuation error. But as not to detract from the utter awesomeness of this chapter with my Grammatical Gestapo and nitpicking ways, I am shutting up now.

 

This was fucking awesome. Huge props, man. I loved this chapter. Everything that annoyed me in the first chapter was absent from the second. 5/5, absolutely perfect.

 

An awesome chapter, Thalarian. Now I just can't wait for more of this story. Good job

 

Very good chapter. You had me surprised there, I expected Harry's super-harem to be ressurected all at once and then to move the focus on the war. But this is maybe even better, if you manage to keep other 'conquests' original and unrepetitive like in some RPG video game.

Faults:

- I don't feel there was the need to spend several thousand words in describing EVERY Order member Harry had available. You only used several of them in this chapter, and other backstories could have been introduced gradually, throughout the future chapters. Like this, it was a bit overwhelming, trying to memorize 30-something different backstories at once.

- Limited magic. Once again, Harry's entire repertoire of spells is consisted mostly from standard curses (banishers and cutters) and 1st year charms (accio, levitation). Why couldn't he use some spell to slow down his fall from the cliff? Or to disillusion himself? Or to grow a thick hide, as a protection? Or conjure a cage around himself, to stop succubi advances? Or to conjure/transfigure something to fight on his side? Or to conjure/transfigure raft, instead of swimming through the lake like an idiot? ... etc...

- Oh and there's certain imballance between Harry's and Voldemort's team. I mean, while Harry had to go through hell just to get ONE slave, Voldemort seemingly just had to take some of target's blood and puff! There's Dumbledore in his ranks. You should try to somehow limit Voldemort's summoning capabilities. I'm not certain if you did it already in first chapter (it WAS a long time ago), but some explanation as to why Voldemort couldn't revive 100 troops instead of just 7 would go a long way to increasing credibility of this plot.

 

Formating for the prologue is fucked on Ficwad.

 

No, I hoped it would be a little more original if Harry actually had to DO something to get them. He's going to have to bounce around a bit and try and summon each one. I've got a few more of the places mapped out (The next one is at the Vatican (sp?), a little hint)

He's going to have to hit Egypt and the Great Pyramids. The Atlantic and the city of Atlantis. Greece. And a few other places. I'll keep the transitions from each place somewhat short, and focus more on what he has to go through when he gets there. Should be a bit of fun.

The reason I threw out the entire Order at once was to really hit home that everything in the war is beginning to lose ground. And even then I still only gave brief snippets of their backgrounds, they will be a bit more scattered in future chapters. You really don't ahve to memorize then as I'll slip to and fro with a few of them as the story goes, just so it refreshes here and there.

The limited magic was hopefully something that I had explained, maybe not well enough. The Lake was limiting him, that's why he felt he would pass out any moment, and why he was struggling to cast higher spells then the simple Accio's and Levitations. (I think I did throw in an original spell, not sure) It's also what was keeping his broom from working, and the armor charms on his clothing from staying. I made a few notes in there about how he was recognizing that it took more effort. I'll try and change that in future chapters though. Anything he would have conjured or transifgured would have lasted barely a minute, maybe only seconds. It's why he didn't use his broom to fly over as he qould have found himself in the lake either way.

Voldemort didn't just take a little blood and POOF. He found something in the Prologue, which hasn't been explained yet. Remember, what he used is something entirely different then what's ever been seen in the Wizarding World, something nobody even understands. It also took him several months to prepare, that's why I mentioned in the prologue that Voldemort's forces had been relatively silent, with whispers that Voldemort himself was missing somewhere. More about it will be explained don't worry, it's just that if I said everything about it now, it would actually ruin the entire story. It's meant to be one of the major mysteries. Why did Voldemort only bring back 7? Why only people Harry knew and not other, more powerful people? How did he do it?

Yeah, sorry Vash and everyone else who noticed FicWad just doesn't like my .html files for some damn reason. I think I'll open a Yahoo group instead as it might be easier to manage rather then taking an hour to go through and fixing the format that they are screwing.

Once again, thanks everyone for the feedback.

 

That was commented on during the part where Harry's talking to Fluer; it was where he was telling her he had lost his wand and was incapable of doing any major spell casting.

[QUOTE/]Oh and there's certain imballance between Harry's and Voldemort's team. I mean, while Harry had to go through hell just to get ONE slave, Voldemort seemingly just had to take some of target's blood and puff! There's Dumbledore in his ranks. You should try to somehow limit Voldemort's summoning capabilities. I'm not certain if you did it already in first chapter (it WAS a long time ago), but some explanation as to why Voldemort couldn't revive 100 troops instead of just 7 would go a long way to increasing credibility of this plot.[/QUOTE]

Well to be fair Voldemort is a Dark Lord so he probably has a lot more book and scrolls that detailing how you'd go about bringing someone back to be your slave. There's also the fact that while the end result of what the two of them are doing is somewhat similar how they brought them back is rather different and that the group that Voldemort brought back were both human and recently deceased. Where as Harry is going after legendary figures who aren't human, been dead for some time, and more often then not going to be protected by servants, people who don't ever want to see them come back, or in a hard to get to location.

Although I do agree that there needs to be a reason given for Voldemort not using this repeatedly to bring back countless legendry figure to serve him.


*Thalarian*

Very nice chapter. Are you planing on doing anything who some of the camos that you had Harry mention?