Hunted by Voldemort and his Death Eaters, The Ministry and the Order whats Harry going to do?

Prologue

It was the summer again. It had been a day since I had returned back from Hogwarts. Here I was lying lazily in my bed at Privet Drive. The Dursleys had mostly ignored me and kept out of sight. The Order's threats had worked and the Dursleys wanted nothing to do with me. The comforting wind blew from my window as I went through my thoughts. It had been a stressful year at Hogwarts. Well having to deal with Fudge, Umbridge trying to get me expelled, The Prophet making me out to be an insane maniac along with Voldemort's annual scheme to kill me did that. Actually stressful was an understatement. Devastating was more appropriate now. Sirius was dead. I had only known Sirius for a short time but it felt like I had known him forever. It felt as if I had lost a family member a feeling I had never had before. It had been my fault. I had been tricked by Voldemort and paid the price for it. I wasn't arrogant enough to claim all the blame. Others shared it too. Bellatrix for actually killing him. Dumbledore for keeping me ignorant of what was going on. Snape for choosing to mind rape instead of teaching me Occlumency. I clenched my fists in frustration at them. The other big thought was the Prophecy. Basically it said kill or be killed. How the hell was I supposed to kill Voldemort with only five years of Hogwarts education. Another big thing I had learned from the fight with the Death Eaters was I was not a match to them. I had only survived due to luck. I couldn't afford that. I had to get stronger wizard and become a match to my enemies or else I would be a goner. Somehow I would find a way to that. I resolved myself of that goal. My thoughts were interrupted as loud voices and commotion was heard downstairs. I grabbed my wand just in case. Constant Vigilance and all that. I made it out of my door and went downstairs to see what was happening. What I found shocked me. Three wizards in ministry robes were there and the Dursleys were lying unconscious in the living room.

They turned their heads towards me as they noticed me. I recognised the two of them. Auror Dawlish and Williamson and another guy I didn't know. What the fuck were Aurors doing here? The other one I didn't recognise said "Potter I'm Auror Fawcett and my colleagues here are Auror Dawlish and Auror Williamson."

"What the hell have you done to them?" I asked them pointing towards the Dursleys.

"We are here for you Potter. We inquired about where you were to the muggles. But they were uncooperative and called us freaks and were aggressive towards us so we stunned them." Fawcett explained.

"Just because they were uncooperative doesn't mean you have stun them." I said heatedly.

"We don't need you teach us what to do Potter. We are trained Auors." Williamson spoke up. I wondered where the Order member who was guarding me was. He or she would have lot of explaining to do about why the fuck they weren't here. Knowing I wasn't going to get far about their treatment of the Dursleys I asked the other questioned in my mind.

"What do you want with me?" I asked.

"We are here to arrest you Potter." Dawlish spoke up.

"What!" I exclaimed in shock.

"Potter our Unspeakables have found you casting an unforgivable curse in the Department of Mysteries. You are under arrest for casting the Cruciatus curse. Hand over your wand and come with us." Dawlish growled to me.

"You can't be serious." I said panicked.

"Yes I am Potter. You think you can get away with casting an unforgivable?" Dawlish asked.

"It was on a Death Eater Dawlish. It was Bellatrix Lestrange for fucks sake." I shot back.

"It doesn't matter Potter. Its still a crime to cast an unforgivable. Now hand over your wand." Dawlish said.

"I don't think so." I said holding my wand firmly.

"You think you can take on three Aurors Potter." Williamson laughed at me.

"I took on Voldemort himself and his Death Eaters which is more than any of you have done." I said showing more courage than I felt.

"You are just as arrogant as they make you to be Potter. Its time to show you reality." Fawcett said.

"And a pathetic wizard like you will show me that?" I said sarcastically.

"Fuck you Potter." said Fawcett and cast a disarming charm at me.

"Protego!" I cast a shied charm and deflected it away which surprised him and the other Aurors.

All the Aurors then pointed their wands at me and sent three stunners at me.

I knew I couldn't withstand three stunners so I dodged it. The Aurors sent more stunners which I barely dodged again. I knew I was outmatched but I couldn't afford to lose.

"Accio Television." I incantated. The Aurors didn't know what a TV meant and they looked at me not knowing what I had summoned. Just the break I needed as the Television of the Dursleys crashed into the back of Dawlish's head and he fell shouting in pain, blood flowing from from his head. The remaining Aurors looked shocked at that and I took advantage again.

"Stupefy!" I said and sent the stunner towards Fawcett who despite his shock barely deflected it away. I didn't stop at that and said "Stupefy! Stupefy! Expelliarmus!" casting those spells at the two Aurors. They both deflected it away.

"How dare you do this to Dawlish. I will make you pay Potter." Fawcett shouted in anger and sent an unknown spell towards me.

I didn't risk it and dodged it while Williamson sent another spell I couldn't recognise. "Protego." I incarnated my shield charm just in time as I couldn't dodge it. My shield charm barely held it. I knew I had to do something or they would take me down soon. I was already going to be arrested. Fuck it. Whatever needs to be done to survive. I remembered Bellatrix's words. Hatred. I remembered the hatred I felt for Bellatrix, for Voldemort, for Umbridge and took it inside me feeling the hatred just what I needed for this curse. I dodged another unknown spell from Williamson and used the shield charm to block the one Dawlish sent. It was time to do the spell. Feeling the hatred inside me I aimed my wand towards Fawcett and incarnated loudly "Crucio!".

Fawcett looked shocked at that and as he tried to dodge the curse he couldn't. It was too fast. The Torture curse hit him and he fell backwards screaming in pain. Williamson looked shocked and sent a spell towards me which I dodged and aimed my wand at him again feeling the Hatred. "Crucio!" Williamson tried as Fawcett did to doge but it hit him. He too fell down screaming in pain.

I collapsed on my back. Two Cruicatus curses in a row had taken a lot out of me and I spent the next few minutes just breathing watching Fawcett and Williamson scream in pain while Dawlish was unconscious his head bleeding with blood.

I got up and went towards the Aurors who were screaming under my Cruicatus. I lifted it of Williamson and quickly said. "Stupefy." Williamson was stunned. I did the same towards Fawcett. I stunned Dawlish as well evven though he was unconsious. Never hurt to be safe.

I looked around the living room of the Dursleys. It was a mess. I wondered why no neighbour had come to see the commotion. The Aurors had probably placed a muggle repelling and silencing charm. I looked next at the Dursleys who had been stunned by the Aurors. I went towards them and incantated "Rennervate" towards Vernon lifting the stunner. He groaned in pain. I did the same towards Dudley and Petunia who too for groaned in pain. It took them a while before they stood up. When they noticed me they all looked in anger at me.

When they noticed me they all looked in anger at me. Vernon looked like he would attack me beofre I pointed my wand towards him which scared but he quickly hid it.

"Don't look at me like that. I saved you. They had stunned you. I fought them off and revived you." I said in annoyance.

The Dursleys looked at the stunned Aurors . They were shocked first then understood what I had said.

Vernon turned towards me and said. "Why the hell did they attack us Potter?"

"They were after me. You were uncooperative with them so they attacked you." I said.

"Why are they after you?" Petunia said.

"Its a long story we don't have time for. More of them will probably come. I suggest you get the hell out of here. I will being doing the same."

The Dursleys packed and went away in their car. I broke two of the Auror's wands and took one. I would need a wand which wasn't track able. Shrinking my trunk and things and putting them in my pocket I took the air in my firebolt.

 

- Harry just helped fight death eaters in the ministry.
- Voldemort has been exposed to the wizarding world.
- Harry is speculated to be the chosen one with a possible prophecy.
- Fudge has resigned, Scrimgeour has just come to power and wants Harry to support him.

-> Attempt to arrest your savior for failing to use a Cruciatus on Bellatrix.

 

This is WBA, so you're not obliged to post perfectly edited stuff. You're here to improve (I hope), so just a few things:

The summary is incoherent and in need of revision. Right now it's just jumbled words. It needs to tell the reader something. This doesn't inform me, it makes me wanna hit the X.

Formatting is important. It makes text look nice and easy to read. And again, the first thing I see after the summary is this giant wall of text. This won't do.

I didn't even read it. I got something about Sirius and Dursleys. Find where you end one topic or thought, then pause. Hit Enter. Begin another thought.

You do this a lot, putting a dot where there should be a comma. You got away with questions because there's supposed to be a question mark instead of a comma there, but this here is a mistake if you have a dialogue tag after the dialogue. Check out this thread for useful information on writing dialogue.

Besides that, you miss commas in other places and in general your punctuation needs work.

That's the wrong word.

And the most important thing... the story.

If it were a crackfic, it would be a bad one. But I don't think it is. That makes it worse, because it's really bad.

Ministry finds out about the Cruciatus, okay. Aurors show up, Dursleys are being dicks, so they get stunned, fine. What follows is just dumb.

I'm not saying that Harry wouldn't get pissed, it's definitely possible. And I bet there's even a way to write this scene well, including Harry slinging an Unforgivable at some Aurors who were being assholes. But this ain't it.

Your prose doesn't flow, it's like riding a bike down some stairs. It's jumpy, jarring, sentences don't feel like they follow each other well. It's like someone stubbornly did a jigsaw puzzle by putting pieces into wrong places, applying force until they stayed together. They kind of stick, but it's obviously wrong.

Stop posting everything you write. In fact, stop writing for a while and go read something. Dresden Files is a good example if you want to write first-person. See how authors put words together to construct a sentence, how they combine fitting sentences to make paragraphs and how they put those together to craft scenes that are coherent, with smooth progression that makes sense.

 

This is the basic summary of what I feel having read this, using your own words:
Actually stressful was an understatement. Devastating was more appropriate now.


First of all, almost every one of your sentences is a statement and nothing more. This makes your prose incredibly choppy and very tiring to read.

Your character voices are incredibly flat. There's no feeling in them. Read them for a second yourself and try to imagine them in a real conversation. They don't work.

 

Thanks for the critiscm guys. About the plot Harry is about to get arrested and has to face 3 Aurors. He is desperate its not a strech to imagine use the only few deadly curses he knows by the end of his fifth year to beat them. More critiscm is appreciated. I am trying to improve. Thanks again.

 

Alexx, ignore the plot for the moment. While I could argue that most of it is not really believable, discussing it at this point serves no purpose.

The first thing you need to do is clean up the writing. Fix what you've already written. Don't start writing a new chapter thinking that your plot is fine and you'll refine your writing in upcoming chapters.

 

How could I rewrite this prologue better or should I just abandon this whole together?

 

You don't seem to be absorbing the comments well, if you still need to ask that question. This isn't even about rewriting or abandoning the story. You're missing very important fundamentals to being a good author. I don't know how old you are, but I can't imagine you being more than 14 or so with the skills you have.

Grammar and spelling is one thing, but a beta can fix that. My opinion - read more. And read properly. Don't go reading those trashing fanfictions on ff.net, I mean a real book. Notice how they tell a story.

 

Alright What books would you recommend?

 

...The books that you like? Don't tell me you don't read?

 

How about Harry Potter? Reread the series (I assume you have read it before), but this time pay attention to the technical side of JK's writing.

 

If you want to read good prose, I recommend Name of the Wind.

 

Yep, like they've said, read good books(that you enjoy) and notice how they write.

But in the meantime, don't stop writing. It's good practice to make sure you can get words on paper. Even if you don't show it to other people, write it, put it away for a little while, and then re-read it and see what you can improve on.

If you like the concept you've written here, then don't abandon it. Even if you don't put it up, keep writing and working on fixing mistakes. Most people aren't just automatically good at writing one day, they wrote dozens of shit stories before they wrote one people liked.